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Separation after his affair and awful behaviour

(37 Posts)
Shockedandbrokenhearted Mon 12-May-14 21:39:23

I started a thread after finding out that my H was having an affair and received amazing support and advice here. I'm on my phone but will attempt to link to it below:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2049159-Just-found-out-about-DHs-affair?pg=1&order=

In brief: we've been together 7 years, have 3 young children one of whom is only 3 months old. About a month ago I discovered H's affair with a colleague and he left. He returned after a few days and we decided to make a go of the marriage. The affair had started when our youngest was a week old apparently and during this time H had treated me appallingly, lying, disappearing and saying some very blunt and cruel things.

When he came home he promised we would try and work on our marriage which admittedly had been stuck in a rut. I have been trying but he has made no efforts at all. Tonight after working late he sent a text to say he was going out drinking and staying with a friend. He has ignored all my calls and texts since.

I have had enough. I deserve better and the children deserve better. The oldest has been very upset by the whole situation as he has seen his dad leave several times. Does anyone have any advice as to what I do now? If he tries to come to the house tomorrow can I stop him (I'm thinking I can't)? How do I best protect my children from this?

There is a lot more to the story but I don't want this post to go on forever. Thanks for reading.

AnyFucker Tue 13-May-14 03:45:47

Op, listen to Nicki

He is not a good dad, he is a selfish one (at best)

When you split, after an initial flurry and whining about seeing his kids, watch him fade away

They will cramp his pulling power, see, which was nicely taken care of when he had you to do all the childcare while he shagged around

Give him the responsibility....he won't want it

mammadiggingdeep Tue 13-May-14 05:12:40

He sounds vile.

The empowerment you feel when you put a stop to this will be greater than the sadness you feel.

You CANNOT let this man continue to disrespect you and his dc any more. Whenever you feel doubtful please re-read this thread. You've said it all here, and you sound so sure.

Please, please remember how young your baby is. My relationship (not dissimilar sounding to yours) finally ended when dd2 was 7/8 months. She's 23 months now- it's so much easier. When it first happened I just couldn't believe we were splitting when she was so young, couldn't believe he was treating me that way with a baby. Further down the line I don't feel that we should be together because of the dc- I feel it's better that they're out of it. Not having one parent treat the other with total contempt and disrespect.

How are you feeling today? Are you planning on seeing a solicitor? What's your next move do you think?

mammadiggingdeep Tue 13-May-14 05:16:41

Oh, also...fwiw, I didn't try to explain to him why I wanted it to end. I didnt get into arguments or trying to explain how him lying etc made me feel. I'm sure you've said it all a million times. I tried to give it a go with my ex like you have with your h. When I finally realised he wasn't trying at all I decided I wouldn't get into discussions again to hear all the same empty promises or to be blamed got his piss poor behaviour. I kept repeating I'd had enough and that was as far as it went. You don't need to justify your decision. Don't listen to anymore if his bullshit.

Shockedandbrokenhearted Tue 13-May-14 06:46:14

Feeling anxious this morning. H never replied to my calls or message so no idea if he plans to return home after work. What can I do if I tell him I've had enough and he refuses to leave? He has nowhere to go for more than a night or two as far as I know.

AnyFucker Tue 13-May-14 06:59:43

Start divorce proceedings. That may seem like a big leap atm, but if he refuses to leave the issue will be forced eventually.
And in the meantime, you will both know where you stand.
Otherwise, carry on in this awful no mans land.

mammadiggingdeep Tue 13-May-14 08:09:28

I had the same thing for a while, it is truly no mans land. Make a 'sanctuary' in your bedroom or the spare room. Once the kids are in bed, if he insists on being around, take yourself off for a bath. Then settle down in your room, bit if tv, read, phone a mate. I spent a few months doing this. In the end it was as if I was in the house Alone to be honest. Don't do his washing, cooking, shopping.

Do this BUT as AF said you must start the ball rolling. Stay strong, stay focused.

Don't try to contact him again today. It's giving him the chance to ignore you. Just expect him to walk through the door. If he doesn't then it's a bonus.

NickiFury Tue 13-May-14 09:10:22

Tbh best case scenario is he doesn't come back. That sounds harsh but it will make it SO much easier for you. You may not think it now but it's true. Mine simply wouldn't leave but carried on behaving how he pleased.

Let his stupid OW have him, what a prize she's got!

NickiFury Tue 13-May-14 09:11:22

If he does, simply say "I have contacted a solicitor, it would be easier if you just went but either way it's over."

NickiFury Tue 13-May-14 14:01:01

Are you ok OP?

Shockedandbrokenhearted Tue 13-May-14 14:41:56

I'm ok thank you. Trying to carry on as normal with the children. Feeling anxious and upset but not really how you would imagine if your marriage was breaking up. More anxious about a big change in circumstances and financial worries. I think he may finally have killed off all feelings I had left for him.

I've not heard from him yet. I could easily go all week without saying anything to our oldest child as for the past few months he's left for work before he woke and returned after he was in bed the vast majority of the time. At least then I can find out if H intends to be difficult about leaving the house and break the news to the DC in the right way.

anewstart15 Tue 13-May-14 20:11:41

Hope you are OK.Did your H come home?

Pinkballoon Tue 13-May-14 21:24:43

Shockedandbrokenhearted
I think your list says it all. And saying that to the baby was unforgivable. Yes, we've all felt at the end of our tether, but no need for that. He could have just put the baby safely in the cot and gone and stood outside the room to breathe and collect his thoughts. I suspect that the anger also came from his frustration at the whole situation (OW etc.)

The inning and outing will wear you and the children down. I had it for so long - he'd come back, all fine, disappear for a few days, come back in a strange mood, on and on and on, until I said no more. They will do it for as long as they think that they can get away with it. I'm on my own now, but at least I know where I stand! smile

As another poster suggested, do the CSA calculator plus the Tax Credits one. Also Child Benefit, if you aren't currently receiving it. And 25% off Council Tax. If you don't return to work and go onto benefits, then it would be Income Support, Housing Benefit (Mortgage Interest paid after qualifying period), Council Tax Benefit etc.

In terms of the meals and hotels he paid for for the OW out of joint money, as I understand it, if you go to court for a financial settlement, you are entitled to the same amount. So, perhaps scrutinise all statements (bank a/c and credit cards) to get a total amount.

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