Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Married but think I'm gay

(310 Posts)
SuddenRealisation Mon 12-May-14 16:56:56

Happily married for almost 10 years, I have 3 DC. Dh is my best friend and we get along great (most of the time! Same as any married couple)

A bit of history.. I lost my virginity to a female friend in college and we dated for a while. After we broke up I dated a (rather annoying) guy for 2 weeks and had my first sexual experience with a man..
A while later, just before turning 18 I got together with a female friend I had a major crush on and we dated for about 2.5 years, we lived together at uni too..

All this time I hid my lesbian relationships from my parents. They suspected at times and asked questions, I always adamantly denied it as I felt their disapproval and was terrified to tell the truth.

I had thought we would be 'life partners' and be together forever.. In the end I couldn't deal with the guilt of hiding it all and kind of sabotaged my relationship with my girlfriend by cheating with my ex gf. She forgave me but I still had the guilt so called it off anyway.

I went home and cried for a long time. I just couldn't do it.

After that I had a period of self destruction where I had lots of one night stands with men and short relationships.

I couldn't deal with the apparently gay side of me and even rang the Samaritans on one occasion, feeling suicidal.

It was around this time I think I consciously or maybe semi subconsciously made a decision I wasn't going to date women anymore. I was just going to be with men, a lot simpler and I didn't have to worry about what my parents thought of me.

Before dating anyone though, I decided to be by myself for a while to get to know me without any distractions.

About 6 months later I went out for a drink with friends and had a great time with one particular friend of a friend. He is now my husband, we got together that night, I have never felt so safe and at home in a mans arms before.
He was kind, funny, attentive, a lovely guy.

Fast forward to now. I struggle with our sex life, libido is infrequent.. Has been from the start really (apart from the first few months, honeymoon period and all that). I have bouts of depression and wondering whether I belong in this life.

I have barely thought about women at all up until very recently. I seem to have come to a sudden realisation that I do like/miss women and that I've been burying that deep inside and ignoring it all this timeconfused

Incidentally, I have no contact with my (toxic) parents these days.

Sometimes when I get a moment to myself (not very often!) I think of myself back then and have a little cry. I wonder what life would have been like if I had been brave enough to choose that path.

Now I feel as if I just have to carry on as I am. Too many people to get hurt. Helps to say it out loud to someone though.

Please excuse any typos, on my phone.

SuddenRealisation Thu 09-Jun-16 10:31:03

I agree with dozer, ems.
If I were in your position I would look st breaking up. The one good thing is there aren't children to consider at the moment.
I am really sorry for the loss of your daughters, a horrible thing to go through sad
It sounds like you have known for a long time who you are, I am of the belief that we can only be truly happy when we are true to ourselves.

Re my situation, I'm trying to work out how we can afford to live separately.
It's hard to work out what I would be entitled to when we have a joint mortgage on a house.
I guess selling the house is one option but I feel so so sad about that when it's the home the kids have grown up in sad

Dozer Wed 08-Jun-16 07:27:35

Ems, am very sorry for the loss of your twins.

Please don't beat yourself up for not being able to "give him" the twins. No one can control these things, sadly, and we don't somehow owe fertility to another person.

Sounds like breaking up would be best for you too. You don't even need to tell him the whole truth, or come out. people break up often, for all kinds of reasons, and deal with it and move on. You haven't cheated or anything like that.

Dozer Wed 08-Jun-16 07:22:46

I think you need to consider properly separating and living apart. You no longer want to be with your H romantically or sexually, and want to be free to pursue other relationships (in time) so it's the sensible thing to do, including for your DC. "Staying for the children" isn't a great idea, especially if you don't explain the situation to them.

A close friend's parent came out in DCs' teens, having met a new partner, after many years of the parents having the kind of arrangement you're currently in, without telling the DC. One partner had always worked a way a fair bit. The friend and their siblings feel that important aspects of their childhood was a lie and were and occasionally still are angry with both parents, especially the gay parent, about the deceit.

ems19 Wed 08-Jun-16 07:13:02

Thank you so much for your reply. I'm so happy it has worked out for you. I just hate myself for putting my husband and family through what I believe will happen if I do go ahead and be myself. To make things even more complicated my twin sister is married to my husband's brother so even if we did separate there would still be contact with his family in some way. Omg I'm so torn.. :-(

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad Fri 03-Jun-16 04:55:18

Ems19 there is hope.
Was married for 10 years to my exH had been together 14 years with 2 DC.
I had never been with a woman - this was all 9 years ago - I met and fell in love with a woman. Couldn't believe it - it was huge - the feelings I had were overwhelming. Long story short me and her are getting married next month. Wasn't easy, hardest thing I ever did - exH struggled to come to terms with it and still hasn't really but my friends and family have been massively supportive. 100 people coming to wedding and my 2 DC who were 6 and 8 at the time and are now 15 and 17 adore my STB wife and she adores them. I've never been happier - can't tell you what to do but just wanted to say to those who are struggling that it's ok on the other side and it can work out great.

ems19 Fri 03-Jun-16 04:33:18

Just sat and read this whole thread with tears rolling down my face. I'm in the exact same situation. I've been married for 10 years to the best husband anyone could ask for. The thought of destroying his life makes me feel so guilty. I've never had a relationship with a woman before - but since the age of 15/16 have 'known'...

Deep down my husband knows - when an attractive celeb is on tv he brings up frequently and jokingly how I wouldn't kick her out of bed etc..Our sex life is non existent..I do it to please him but never truly want it and he can feel this..

The thought of hurting so many people just to make me happy is so guilt wrenching that I try to carry on as is..I'm 35 now, DH 37.

No children although we did conceive identical twin girls but lost them last year at 5 months. The worst time of my life and I'm still struggling to get through this. Our relationship hasn't been the same since. I feel so much guilt that I couldn't give him his two little girls and this along with my other feelings is such a heavy thing to carry.

Please tell me there is hope..

SuddenRealisation Sun 22-May-16 22:38:33

Gosh. Thanks both..
If I'm honest, all this terrifies me.
I've never lived alone. I'm used to the convenience of parenting the dc together.
At the same time, there's a part of me that wants to try it alone.

PugsyMabone Sun 22-May-16 21:31:28

Last summer I left my DH of 16 years and later started a relationship with a woman. My marriage never felt right. I now have a beautiful girlfriend and feel complete. It was hard but I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

Racmactac Sun 22-May-16 21:27:34

I think you and H need to separate and live your lives. You are being unfair to yourself and H.
he sounds very understanding and you are still communicating which tells me that you can co parent together but separately.

Life is too dam short to be living like this, its not the 1960's and no one really cares if you are gay! don't look back on your life and think you have wasted it.

life is for enjoying and living - don't be so hard on yourself

SuddenRealisation Sat 21-May-16 11:00:19

So he told his bro and sil. They were really supportive about it <big relief>.
Such a weight off my mind!

SuddenRealisation Thu 12-May-16 23:09:19

Thanks for posting lelly. My H is also sad and angry. I don't know how your situation has played out but I was so far in denial that until 2 years ago, I didn't realise myself I was gay.
Therefore I couldn't have really told him any earlier than I did :-/
Guess we are at a similar stage to you now. Coparenting and living together.
I don't know what my next move is but I've managed to convince him to confide in his brother and seek support from him.
The idea of his brother finding out scares the shit out of me but I want him to have someone to talk to.

LellyMcKelly Thu 12-May-16 14:19:04

Sorry, I didn't realise this was an old thread! I've read back and I think you are in the same position as us!

LellyMcKelly Thu 12-May-16 14:13:37

I'm at the other end of this. I found out my husband was gay a few years ago. He's a great guy, but we never had sex. We still live together and coparent but the kids don't know yet. I wish my husband had told me years ago. I feel like I've wasted half my life with a man who didn't love me the way I should have been loved. It wasn't a dead loss as we had the kids, and I'm trying to keep things normal, but I'm cross and sad about the whole thing. If you are gay, come out. Live your own authentic life, and let him find love with someone who can love him fully.

Wowthatwasabigstep Thu 12-May-16 11:43:27

Morning Sudden,

Haven't been about for ages as life keeps getting in the way. You sound like you are slowly moving forward in your own mind, sounds like your H however is still processing the infomation. What is the next step for you?

Hello and welcome to Capital and What smile do keep posting it does help to get it down and out there.

SuddenRealisation Wed 11-May-16 13:23:41

Anyone about?

SuddenRealisation Tue 10-May-16 11:12:59

Hey, how is everyone doing? Has anyone made any progress?

We are still living together as friends. Haven't slept together for over a year now.. About 16 months I think.
I've been working on my social life and making friends, building up my business and generally trying to accept myself.

I do feel a bit like we are just bumbling on at the moment without any direction. I did bring up the fact we shouldn't look at buying another house if we need more space. I said I'm open to a short term solution of loft conversion or renting somewhere till we work out what to do.

I really feel like I need to at least have my own room and my own bed, that part is difficult.

I also feel a bit paralysed to make changes as I don't want to upset the DC sad

But the feeling inside me is building up, I feel more and more that, as uncomfortable as it is, we need to start moving forward with small steps towards separating.

As friends we are getting on great and go out and socialise together now and again.

In contrast to that occasionally become irritable towards him as I feel a bit resentful that he hasn't told any of his siblings of our situation.. I suggested he should confide and get support from at least one of them but he still hasn't. So it feels a bit one sided as both my siblings know and have been fine about it.

WhatTheHeck02 Sun 12-Jul-15 08:42:39

Thanks rumred for the advice. I'm personally not able to tell my close friends. I think that's one of the difficulties for me, if this is what I am, then I want to make the move to being who I am. But I'm on my own with it and lost as to how to progress, I will look at Gingerbeer and Diva, perhaps that's the way forward, not even for a relationship but just for accepting and actually starting to embrace being gay. Capital I hope you work things out too, you aren't so alone after all, there are people out here just like you, we just have to figure it out! Message back on this thread it might help us both to chat to someone in a fairly similar boat smile

rumred Sat 11-Jul-15 12:41:59

What and capital - sounds like you both need to confide in a friend to get real support and perspective. There are ways to meet women but until you're more comfortable it probably isn't a good idea to look at relationships.
Going to pride events or local gay/gay friendly pubs might help too. That's where a friend would be useful too. There are gay forums, such as gingerbeer and diva. As with anything, some things will suit and some won't. Good luck with it.

WhatTheHeck02 Sat 11-Jul-15 10:30:44

I've just seen this thread, I'm so pleased to find it, I'm really sorry to hear how alone you feel CapitalTrouble. I am in a fairly similar situation, but divorced, which should make it easier but its still hard. I realised a year ago like a bolt out of the blue I was a lesbian. I cried and cried, how had I now known? I got divorced years back and couldn't understand why I'd never met a man who was good enough, friends didn't understand it either. Eventually I just decided I'd be on my own anyway, I have children a busy house, a full time job, good friends, life is ok. I like you feel so alone and have no idea how to address what I am, or how to start a new life, how do you when you have teenage children, and a busy life. Like you I don't want to hurt anyone, I don't want my children to be hurt and upset. I'm glad you seem to have met someone, at least you can talk to them and maybe wade gently through the unchartered waters so that not too many people get hurt. I suppose honesty is the best policy, I find it hard to pretend I even fancy men now and just keep quiet when hot men are the subject. I hope you resolve things, I've no idea what to do or where to go to start a new era. If anyone has any ideas please let me know. I feel as if I've wasted my whole life, and still am, and I have absolutely no one to talk to about it, how do you when your whole world is a heterosexual one of your own building.

capitalttrouble01 Sat 04-Jul-15 22:11:26

I was just wondering if this thread is still active? I'm completely confused and could do with some advice sad I'm in a very similar situation as the OP. I'm married to a great guy, we have 3 small children and he is a wonderful father. I love him, he is genuine and kind BUT I feel like I love him as a friend sad We have been together for nearly 17 years and over time I feel like the 'us' part of the relationship has just fizzled out. Our children are 3 under the age of 6 so obviously our life is just one long parenting haul.

Last year I returned to work after a 5 year break and sparked up a friendship with a girl there, who happens to be gay. She is in a happy relationship, which I guess so am I on the face of it. Only thing is I've started to have quite strong feelings towards her. Both emotionally and physically. This has come as a complete surprise to me as I would have always described myself as straight, although I have long believed that sexuality can often be a blurred line and there are some grey areas (although I have never applied that to myself until recently.)

There is some definite chemistry there and we talk ALOT both at work and outside of it. We text each other most nights and have both opened up about personal things that we have never done with other people. She is currently away on holiday and has text me saying she is missing me, and tbh I'm really missing her.

I know I'm on weird/dangerous territory although I will of course remain faithful, that's not in question for me but it's the feelings this has all caused that has got me completely confused. I don't fancy women in general I don't think, although I'm the first to say I think the female body is absolutely beautiful. But I do fancy my friend, I even get butterflies in my stomach sometimes when I'm around her.

Am I gay? Bi? What? How the hell has this never been on my radar before??

Also I've always felt a bit uncomfortable during sex and as such our sex life has completely dwindled to nothing. I've no sex drive at all and have often felt like it's something I have to endure rather than something to enjoy.

I do still fancy men in general and now find myself looking at women and thinking, do I fancy them?!

In all honesty I feel so confused and alone now. I can't discuss this with anyone as I know all it will do is hurt people but I suddenly feel like I'm denying my true self and I feel so, so down about it.

SuddenRealisation Sat 25-Apr-15 11:50:06

So, current situation is that we are living together as friends.
We are getting on really well like this for now.
I'm not sure where things go from here but life is so busy I hardly have time to think about that.

SuddenRealisation Fri 03-Apr-15 14:07:57

A small change, we were arguing about something else and I brought up the wedding ring.. He admitted I was right and he wasn't in denial, just wearing it cause he didn't want anyone to question him about our situation.
I felt a bit cruel but he's taken it off now. He seems fine about it.

SuddenRealisation Sat 14-Mar-15 22:20:06

Just plodding along really. Feels a bit like ignoring the issue, not rocking the boat iyswim.
H still wearing wedding ring which is grating on me.. Feels like he's waiting for me to change my mind. Like he won't let me not be his wife confused

Wowthatwasabigstep Sat 14-Mar-15 13:53:21

All fine here, how are you Sudden?

SuddenRealisation Sat 07-Mar-15 20:09:51

How's everyone doing?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now