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Married but think I'm gay

(193 Posts)
SuddenRealisation Mon 12-May-14 16:56:56

Happily married for almost 10 years, I have 3 DC. Dh is my best friend and we get along great (most of the time! Same as any married couple)

A bit of history.. I lost my virginity to a female friend in college and we dated for a while. After we broke up I dated a (rather annoying) guy for 2 weeks and had my first sexual experience with a man..
A while later, just before turning 18 I got together with a female friend I had a major crush on and we dated for about 2.5 years, we lived together at uni too..

All this time I hid my lesbian relationships from my parents. They suspected at times and asked questions, I always adamantly denied it as I felt their disapproval and was terrified to tell the truth.

I had thought we would be 'life partners' and be together forever.. In the end I couldn't deal with the guilt of hiding it all and kind of sabotaged my relationship with my girlfriend by cheating with my ex gf. She forgave me but I still had the guilt so called it off anyway.

I went home and cried for a long time. I just couldn't do it.

After that I had a period of self destruction where I had lots of one night stands with men and short relationships.

I couldn't deal with the apparently gay side of me and even rang the Samaritans on one occasion, feeling suicidal.

It was around this time I think I consciously or maybe semi subconsciously made a decision I wasn't going to date women anymore. I was just going to be with men, a lot simpler and I didn't have to worry about what my parents thought of me.

Before dating anyone though, I decided to be by myself for a while to get to know me without any distractions.

About 6 months later I went out for a drink with friends and had a great time with one particular friend of a friend. He is now my husband, we got together that night, I have never felt so safe and at home in a mans arms before.
He was kind, funny, attentive, a lovely guy.

Fast forward to now. I struggle with our sex life, libido is infrequent.. Has been from the start really (apart from the first few months, honeymoon period and all that). I have bouts of depression and wondering whether I belong in this life.

I have barely thought about women at all up until very recently. I seem to have come to a sudden realisation that I do like/miss women and that I've been burying that deep inside and ignoring it all this timeconfused

Incidentally, I have no contact with my (toxic) parents these days.

Sometimes when I get a moment to myself (not very often!) I think of myself back then and have a little cry. I wonder what life would have been like if I had been brave enough to choose that path.

Now I feel as if I just have to carry on as I am. Too many people to get hurt. Helps to say it out loud to someone though.

Please excuse any typos, on my phone.

SuddenRealisation Sun 21-Dec-14 12:42:35

Hi thinking,

Sorry I haven't been back for a while. I think I've gone back in to denial.. Not sure.

I went out and kissed a random girl. It was ok but she wasn't really my type and I didn't really feel much. I then felt overwhelming guilt and told my H what had happened.

I think because I didn't enjoy the kissing that much I convinced myself this is actually just some sort of midlife crisis and I decided to try and make a go of things with H again.

I took myself off all gay sights (diva date, gaydar and Gingerbeer) and tried to concentrate on my marriage.

I felt happy and certain for a week or so, then the doubts started to creep back in again. I still struggle with intimacy and not sure that will ever go away.

H doesn't know I'm doubting again. I really can't put him through the hurt again. Have gone back and forth so many times now. Just trying to see how I feel over the next month or so..

The thought that I thought all was sorted and I could just go back to 'normal' but now am not sure again makes me feel so low sad

I'm glad your mum is being supportive, you need support at a time like this.

thinkingofabettername Fri 12-Dec-14 22:23:42

* Sorry i meant current situation. A few typos in my last post - apologies!

thinkingofabettername Fri 12-Dec-14 22:19:55

Hi everyone

Since my last post a few months ago things haven't gotten easier.

It's enlightening to read the posts of suddenrealisation and think about an amicable situation.

At the moment I am pushing H away. Have told a couple of friends how I feel. They have been understanding but don't really understand. They can't support me talking to any woman I might have feelings for aa this is cheating (I agree). I still haven't stopped talking to my Achilles heel though. She is still in the picture. She is openly gay and I am envious of her life. She is a great support despite the feelings of guilt I have when speaking o Her because of my feelings towards Her.

I have tried to speak to my mum a bit about my marriage (of 6 months) and explain how distant i feel from H. She is very supportive. I have also told her of my feelings towards this woman which she noticed at a party we all attended in October. She sent me a message telli me she wasn't silly and asking what's going on (with a smily face in to let me know she wasn't angry).

At the moment I am scared to let go of a relationship of 10 years with H and think about moving forward alone. He can feel we are distant, I can tell. I think maybe he knows why but perhaps that's wishful thinking as it would mean I wouldn't have to explain.

I have decided that I will see christmas through and talk to him. I am scared about breaking his heart and ruining his confidence. Also guilty I have wasted his opportunity of a successful marriage and been selfish in my holding on to him in my plight to ignore my true feelings and needs.

More now than ever I can't bear to the intimate with him.

As you can tell. A huge amount of guilt, selfishness and more guilt.

Part of me wants so much to be my true self. But the other part is longing to feel how a straight person would, be in love with H, continue a happy marriage and have a "normal" life.

How is everyone else coping and what's the urgent situation?

X

SuddenRealisation Mon 03-Nov-14 12:57:41

Spoke to H and Counsellor and feeling a bit better again.

H and I are concentrating on just trying to be happy despite the situation.

It is difficult for us to get our heads round but it doesn't mean we have to just give up and be all doom and gloom about it.

SuddenRealisation Fri 31-Oct-14 12:23:43

Feel really anxious today, and for the last few days. Heart keeps beating fast, light headed, tingly lips. Just generally feeling awful.
I just don't know how I'm going to get through all this and come out the other side. I don't feel strong enough sad

SuddenRealisation Wed 29-Oct-14 21:08:35

Thanks for the tips Indian..
I am quite isolated and don't have loads of friends here.. We moved here 7 years ago. I do know some people through volunteer work I do.

It's a small town and there aren't any LGBT services that I'm aware of. I tend to have to reach out online for emotional support and there's my counsellor.

I have already done more crying than I have ever done before and am totally sick of it! It just keeps happening though as this is all so emotional and overwhelming.

I sometimes wish we had stayed where we lived before, bigger city with a good gay community etc..

I don't intend to continue the marriage in the traditional sense. At the moment we are living together as friends, not being intimate.

The loose plan is that we will do this for the near future as long as things are amicable. Then that we will reassess of one of us meets anyone.

IndianBlueGlass Wed 29-Oct-14 16:12:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SuddenRealisation Tue 28-Oct-14 21:21:21

Ignoring*
Pils*

Silly phone!

SuddenRealisation Tue 28-Oct-14 21:20:30

Ha ha I didn't mean to write irk but you're right, it is irksome indeed. I can totally identify with the feeling of trying to push he genie back in the bottle. Or just downright ignore it!

I haven't read that book but I think I'm going to order a copy.

I am scared of my oils knowing as their approval (of me) means a lot to me. Technically, I don't have any parents of my own as they are toxic and I and my brothers went no contact with them in 2005.
From that point, pils really took me under their wing and they love me almost as their own. I don't want them to think I'm a horrible person who has 'lied' to their son and hurt and upset him. I also don't want them to have any homophobic feelings towards me. It's important to me that they like me and we get on...

They're not the type to be homophobe at all.. Fil makes jokey comments about gay people but I feel in a real life situation he wouldn't be like that with me. Mil is really quite liberal. I think I'm just most worried about them thinking I've hurt their son and lied to them.

In reality, I haven't purposefully lied to anyone, I was in a massive amount of denial, even to myself and had no idea. None of this was intentional.. I guess I just don't want others to think it was.

IndianBlueGlass Tue 28-Oct-14 18:58:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SuddenRealisation Tue 28-Oct-14 09:43:35

It is what it is*

SuddenRealisation Tue 28-Oct-14 09:42:59

After a few glasses of wine I managed to talk to H again about 'the situation', as we keep calling it.

I told him I'm finding it hard to talk to him about it even though I know we should talk about it.
I asked him how he felt about the situation at the moment. He said that irks what it is, he doesn't feel it's his fault or anything, it's just the way it is.
I agreed, yes, it's nothing he has done or hasn't done, I said he hasn't turned me in to a lesbian.. (I referred to myself as a lesbian!)

He said I hadn't done anything wrong, which of course made me cry. I told him I was finding it extremely hard to accept the situation (that I'm gay).. He said so is he, but at the same time he feels he has accepted it.

I explained that I feel terrified about pils finding out. He said that he would stand by me and support me and not to worry.

In the bright side, he said that we are doing a good job of continuing to care for the DC at the moment and of staying amicable.

He went off to bed and I had a bit of a cry. I just can't believe how hard and emotional all this is.

Glad we managed to chat though.

SuddenRealisation Mon 27-Oct-14 22:41:30

I really get the existing on quicksand thing. I feel like all my dreams and plans have disappeared. Even everyday life is up and down and my H's attitude towards all this is constantly changing (understandably).

IndianBlueGlass Mon 27-Oct-14 22:03:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IndianBlueGlass Mon 27-Oct-14 22:02:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SuddenRealisation Mon 27-Oct-14 09:19:15

Ah, I did wonder Indian! I searched the username and saw they had posted on other threads and all their posts had been deleted.. So I guessed it was something silly.

I guess I have the advantage of my H knowing what's going on right now.
I've been chatting to a lady, she has a bf and although we have expressed that we are each other's 'type' (she's bi), it is only a friend thing. We met through a series of strange coincidences.. Anyway, my point is, I've told my H all about her and even though we're just friends, I'm still keeping him in the picture. Hard to explain, if she was single I would probably want more but she's not and she said she would like to be friends with me so I'm just very casually going along with that. Regardless though, because I find her attractive I have told H. It feels good to be open about it..
Still hard to talk to him about my 'final conclusion' though. I tried last night, kind of, but he sort of changed the subject and I couldn't build up the courage again.

IndianBlueGlass Mon 27-Oct-14 08:07:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SuddenRealisation Sun 26-Oct-14 23:21:54

Oh, I must have missed that last posthmm

angela123q Sun 26-Oct-14 21:47:14

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SuddenRealisation Sun 26-Oct-14 20:47:02

Thanks Indian, I'm so sorry you're in the thick of it. I can only hope you're through the worst of it and things start to look up from here for you.
I hope that, in the middle of all this stress you feel more free within yourself and at peace finally knowing who you are.

I hope you find someone to share your life with who makes you truly happy.

I don't mean this to sound wrong but your post has made me feel better in one way.. I think, if I had not started to face up to this now and discuss it with my H, I may have, at some point in the future met a lady and been tempted away, possibly even had an affair, who knows?

I suppose, as painful as this is, my dh pretty much knows what's going on.

I haven't said to him 'I'm gay' yet. I've hinted, tried to show him in my actions, stopped wearing my wedding ring... I think he is of the opinion that I am currently trying to decide whether I am gay or bi. He wants to believe there's a small chance I am Bi.
He said the other day though 'I don't know why we're pretending there's an alternative outcome' (to me being gay).

I said that I'm not pretending anything, I'm just struggling to talk to him about it and to come to terms with who I am <hint>..

We haven't discussed it much more since then. I don't think he wants to, just like I don't want to. Neither of us want to hear I'm gay as it will be so final..

IndianBlueGlass Sun 26-Oct-14 18:55:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SuddenRealisation Sun 26-Oct-14 18:09:43

I can't believe how much I'm struggling with this. My brain tries to deny I'm gay on and off all the time.
It's the relationship with dh that is making this so difficult. In some ways, it would be so much easier if we had fallen out or of things were unbearable but they're not.
I love and respect him so much as a person and he is such a good friend. It's so hard to get my brain round the fact that, at some point, we might meet other people and start to separate away from each other.
We will never be out of each other's lives completely as there are the DC to think about and share care of..
But, it's just going to change and be different.
In one way, I want it to change but part of me fears change and just wants to freeze everything in time as it is.

I know in my heart that that isn't possible though, because, as much as I love him and we get on well and enjoy each other's company, I'm gay sad I feel like life has played a cruel trick on us..
I keep trying to convince myself I could just pretend and carry on as 'normal' but I know that I just can't do this anymore.. It's making me deeply unhappy as it's not who I amconfused

I would not choose to be gay because it has made things so hard as so complicated... But then again, being gay is who I am, who I truly am and how I feel most comfortable.

I just want to be free to be me without anyone getting hurt sad

SuddenRealisation Wed 22-Oct-14 23:16:26

Hey thinking, I agree about talking this through with someone, my counsellor has helped me tremendously.
The Ask Joanne website is also very useful.
I so often wish I could go back to before I had children and be stronger, have the courage to admit I had doubts and be who I truly am.

I would seriously consider not trying to conceive until you have talked through your feelings with someone. I wouldn't change my boys for the world now I have them, but having 3 DC who's lives I may affect makes me feel so down sad

Just know you are not alone.. Keep taking to us..

thinkingofabettername Wed 22-Oct-14 20:55:03

Hi Indianblue

Thanks for replying.

I have thought about it. Not sure how I could afford going to see a counsellor. But think I need to just bite bullet and do it?

I guess I just felt like I had invested so much if my life in to the relationship that it just had to work. Being the couple who seem great and who have been together so long. People just want it to be perfect, including me too I suppose!

Just writing it down here has made me feel so much better. Got a huge knot in stomach thinking about the woman I have met and finding it hard not to text her back! Obviously can't because I'm in a relationship.

Has anyone here moved on after this, no idea what will happen from here.

smile

IndianBlueGlass Wed 22-Oct-14 20:33:27

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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