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Married but think I'm gay

(337 Posts)
SuddenRealisation Mon 12-May-14 16:56:56

Happily married for almost 10 years, I have 3 DC. Dh is my best friend and we get along great (most of the time! Same as any married couple)

A bit of history.. I lost my virginity to a female friend in college and we dated for a while. After we broke up I dated a (rather annoying) guy for 2 weeks and had my first sexual experience with a man..
A while later, just before turning 18 I got together with a female friend I had a major crush on and we dated for about 2.5 years, we lived together at uni too..

All this time I hid my lesbian relationships from my parents. They suspected at times and asked questions, I always adamantly denied it as I felt their disapproval and was terrified to tell the truth.

I had thought we would be 'life partners' and be together forever.. In the end I couldn't deal with the guilt of hiding it all and kind of sabotaged my relationship with my girlfriend by cheating with my ex gf. She forgave me but I still had the guilt so called it off anyway.

I went home and cried for a long time. I just couldn't do it.

After that I had a period of self destruction where I had lots of one night stands with men and short relationships.

I couldn't deal with the apparently gay side of me and even rang the Samaritans on one occasion, feeling suicidal.

It was around this time I think I consciously or maybe semi subconsciously made a decision I wasn't going to date women anymore. I was just going to be with men, a lot simpler and I didn't have to worry about what my parents thought of me.

Before dating anyone though, I decided to be by myself for a while to get to know me without any distractions.

About 6 months later I went out for a drink with friends and had a great time with one particular friend of a friend. He is now my husband, we got together that night, I have never felt so safe and at home in a mans arms before.
He was kind, funny, attentive, a lovely guy.

Fast forward to now. I struggle with our sex life, libido is infrequent.. Has been from the start really (apart from the first few months, honeymoon period and all that). I have bouts of depression and wondering whether I belong in this life.

I have barely thought about women at all up until very recently. I seem to have come to a sudden realisation that I do like/miss women and that I've been burying that deep inside and ignoring it all this timeconfused

Incidentally, I have no contact with my (toxic) parents these days.

Sometimes when I get a moment to myself (not very often!) I think of myself back then and have a little cry. I wonder what life would have been like if I had been brave enough to choose that path.

Now I feel as if I just have to carry on as I am. Too many people to get hurt. Helps to say it out loud to someone though.

Please excuse any typos, on my phone.

SuddenRealisation Thu 01-Sep-16 15:02:53

I'm pretty sure I want to be with a woman.
I guess I'm just worried I've gone mad or something or I haven't tried hard enough.
But I also feel I've tried very hard.
Think now we're getting closer to everyone knowing we're separated, I'm panicking and worrying that it's a step in to the Unknown..

Lucylloyd13 Thu 01-Sep-16 13:06:31

Simply follow your heart, if it is women who satisfy you sexually and emotionally, do not deny that.

Nodowntime Thu 01-Sep-16 00:39:24

Sudden, sounds like things can't get much worse for you, you haven't got much to lose by separating.... and nothing you could try would change your basic sexuality, so what is the point of persevering with futile attempts to fix the unfixable? To me you sound like you are trying to do the right thing but actually robbing yourself and your DH of a full fledged existence.
You could still have your 13 year relationship continued as friends and parents, it would not be wiped out through separating, but you'd give each other a chance to live a fulfilled life with a partner you are meant to be with.

SuddenRealisation Wed 31-Aug-16 23:19:47

Nodowntime glad you have got some clarity from reading through..
I guess it has been 2 years because the magnitude of any decision I make weighs greatly on my mind.
Also, I have spent a lot of this time going back and forth in my mind and being confused.
There was also a period of time where I tried to make a go of things with h again, and failed.
I guess I don't want to give up on a 13 year relationship without having tried everything I can possibly try.
And now I feel torn, do I want my own place and my freedom? Or, if I get that, will I feel I've made a big mistake?
I feel like I'm on a frozen lake, and I'm scared to take step in case the ice cracks.

Nodowntime Wed 31-Aug-16 22:48:51

Reading through your topic actually has helped me to more or less get convinced that I am definitely not gay, but bisexual.

I knew I wasn't straight literally from the age of seven or so, female body fascinated and excited me, and male left me indifferent, but I had crushes on boys and not on girls. It's stayed like that throughout my life, I had only a couple of casual sexual experiences with women, but been married long term twice (now in my second marriage). I still can fancy women on first glance, but very very rarely can fancy a man without an emotional connection first, when I meet/see a man I fancy (only happens like once every two years) I get incredibly excited because it's such a rare occasion for me. However still wouldn't consciously imagine having sex with one, but not sure whether because I'm committed to my man in my mind.

In spite of my commitment to him I do regularly have erotic dreams about having sex with girls and for years the only way to come(having sex with a man, even very good) was to imagine having a girl there hmm. That did make me wonder if I was wired physically more gay, I'd also bite my arm off to clone myself and have a day of girl experiences blush I sometimes desperately miss physically being with a woman....However I never wanted to be in a relationship with one, it just always felt wrong and too complicated, and like there would be too much estrogen in a potential relationship like that...

I'm not out as bisexual, I'm not hiding it either, but because I'm in a committed heterosexual relationship I cannot see how it'd be better to declare to the world I was bi (my DH knows!), since it's only a sexual thing for me. However I still feel that I would be happier and free-er if I made it known to everyone as a teenager, that that's what my sexuality was. It's just that many of my family are religious and wouldn't take kindly to it. But any of my children grew up and turned out not to be straight I'd tell them about myself.

Nodowntime Wed 31-Aug-16 22:27:40


I know you are trying to avoid the pain for your family, but imagine if one of your children turned out to be gay? Would you want a life like yours for them, suffering in not being themselves for the sake of the relationship they were in? And they are likely to think that that is the thing to do if you belatedly realise you are not straight or drastically unconventional in whatever way - conceal and pretend for the sake of others, because it's what Mother did? I think you have good intentions but actually you are not being a good role model for your children in this case sad Also all this pretence must be incredibly draining and taking away from the energy you could spend on your children if you were happy relaxed and comfortable with yourself.

I'm very sad for you that in two years you haven't been able to move on properly, release yourself and your DH. I understand the financial and practical side of it as being very difficult, but have you done anything practically to make the separation happen?

SuddenRealisation Wed 31-Aug-16 17:21:51

I know I don't have to be all the way.. But I feel I am. I can't imagine having sex with a man again. Either way though, my marriage isn't working and after 2 years of trying, doesn't seem fixable

Darcychu Tue 30-Aug-16 23:19:27

could just be Bisexual. dont have to be all the way, in which case your obviously going to think about it as you havent had it in a while.

SuddenRealisation Tue 30-Aug-16 22:47:10

Aww whambam, please keep talking.. Both here and to your oh.
You deserve a happy life, even if it will be hard to achieve.
My situation is moving along very slowly.
But I am determined to make this work, because if I don't, I know I will feel like taking my own life.
And I know that's not helpful to my exh or the dc. So I must stay strong and work through this, no matter how bad I feel xx

whambamthankyoumaam Tue 30-Aug-16 22:15:18

Hugs Suddenrealisation. I know this is an old post but I'm in a similar situation, not married but two kids and a decade of being together. My parents (well, my mum mainly) is so against the idea of people being gay, that I've really struggled to accept that I am at least bisexual. I went out with a girl once who was beautiful etc. but I sabotaged it because deep down, like you mentioned, I knew it couldn't go anywhere because I could never 'come out' to my family.
I don't ever have sex with OH now as the idea repulses me, but that's probably more that he's not a good partner rather than men repulsing me. He knows i'm bisexual and whilst he seemed okay with it at the time, he now throws that in my face because of our lack of sex.

It's horrible to feel this way, you hear about men being like this all the time but I feel a lot more women probably hide their feelings and just plod along with life. I probably always will, I really don't know. sad

SuddenRealisation Tue 30-Aug-16 20:43:43

I just wanted to say, I know this thread is old but I keep it going as its a source of support for me whilst I go through this situation.
Stills at home, still struggling. I need to get some info from citizens advice or something

SuddenRealisation Wed 10-Aug-16 11:25:20

Oblo, I think you over simplify the issue somewhat.
First of all, my husband was fully aware of my lesbian status when we started dating, he knew both my previous girlfriends.
I was at a strange point in my life and I can honestly say that a mixture of things that happened and were said to me, convinced me that the dating of women was just a phase for me.
I spoke to Samaritans at one point as I felt suicidal. This was because of my parents blatantly obvious disapproval, they suspected I was dating women and made it very clear they wouldn't be ok with it at all.
The Samaritans reassured me it was probably a phase and/or I was probably bi.
That had a huge impact on me and seemed like a solution at the time so I concentrated on dating men.
I genuinely did fall in love with the person my husband is and I guess, because the mind is very strong when it wants something so bad (in my case, a 'normal' life) I fully believed that my attraction to women was in the past.
When we got married, I had doubts about how well matched we were at
the back of my mind, but none of these doubts related to him being a man. I told myself I loved him and everyone has some doubts, no one is perfect etc.
It is really not as simple as getting married whilst knowing I was gay.
I was convinced at that point I wasn't gay. In fact I was so determined on some level to believe that, that I never thought about women like that for several years, I threw away old diaries as I didn't recognise the person I used to be.
When I finally realised, 9 years after getting married, that the feeling I had of being in the wrong life was due to me being gay, I was extremely shocked and once again felt suicidal.
And my husband admitted it had always been a fear of his that this would happen.
So you see, he wasn't all in the dark but it seems I was.
It's like the gay part of my had been locked tightly in a box in a dark corner and I couldn't see it. And then one day, I tripped up over it and my life came crashing down sad

Oblomov16 Thu 04-Aug-16 10:52:08

Of course the marriage can't work. And the person of course shouldn't be forced to stay.
I would never wish that on anyone, gay, bi, straight, whatever.
But only that person themselves can be held responsible for the situation they find themselves in.

Fairlyfullmoon Thu 04-Aug-16 10:22:31

Of course it's natural to feel sympathy for the left partner in situations like this, of course it is devastating for them to discover the person they loved and committed to was always going to need something more. However should someone who has realised they are gay after a lifetime of pushing it aside and burying who they are then be forced so stay in that relationship? is that how marriage is supposed to work, 'well we made our bed we're stuck in it now?' It's so very easy to go along with societies expectations of who we should be and it's nothing to do with lying and being deceitful, for a lot of people who come out later in life it's as much a shock to them than anyone else even if on some level they always knew.

Oblomov16 Thu 04-Aug-16 09:28:43

I found it very hard to be sympathetic to Gareth Thomas, the Welsh rugby player, who said that the misery of his wife leaving him was too much to bare, when he told her he was gay, had been having secret homosexual relationships for the whole of his marriage ( for more than 5 years) and had known he was gay since the age of 16.
I felt a lot of sympathy for her.

Oblomov16 Thu 04-Aug-16 09:20:56

Judgemental? Overly critical? No, I don't think so, but if I am then I'm proud of that. Because lying and deceit is wrong to me.
And feel sorry for her dh that he was living a lie, unbeknown to him.
You think I'm wrong for having sympathy with him?
I have sympathy for the partner left behind when someone comes out, declares themselves gay and knew they shouldn't have entered the marriage.
I have sympathy for all heterosexual partners who have been cheated on and lied to.

And no, I've not cheated, nor been cheated on.

But the lying and deception is something I think is truely wrong.

And you think that's mean? I don't.

rumred Thu 04-Aug-16 09:08:10

I didn't accuse you of being homophobic, I said you were unkind and judgemental. Society has been extremely homophobic and thus many are self hating and stuck in the closet

Oblomov16 Thu 04-Aug-16 09:04:57

Rumred, I am not homophobic. I object to people not being honest with someone and then telling someone the truth, only from a self centred view, from guilt, or wanting the release from not having to lie anymore.
This often leaves the person left behind damaged and feeling that their whole marriage was a sham.
That is true of people having affairs or lying about other things. I object to affairs and lying generally. Both of which have nothing to do with homophobia, being gay or any of the things you incorrectly accuse me of.

rumred Thu 04-Aug-16 07:40:04

Relationships end all the time. Unless you're perfect or you've been lucky enough not to be overwhelmed by societal homophobia which keeps lots of people in the closet.
Oblomov you are judgemental and unkind. Just the type of attitude that keeps people in misery and feeling inadequate. I hope op ignores your mean message

janaus Thu 04-Aug-16 07:37:23

2 Year old thread?

Oblomov16 Thu 04-Aug-16 05:34:54

I feel so very sorry for your husband. You went into your marriage knowing, but in denial. You chose to bury your true feelings and desires. You need to take responsibility for that. He didn't get that choice.

rumred Thu 04-Aug-16 03:44:34

Good for you ems. I hope you can cut yourself some slack and enjoy life again, we all deserve that.
Some people will reject you but that's life. Some won't, they're the ones to concentrate on

ems19 Thu 04-Aug-16 03:14:10


ems19 Thu 04-Aug-16 03:10:20

I've finally excepted that I'm gay. Not straight not bi but gay. It's taken 20 years to get to this point and it's a strange feeling..I want to speak to my best friend (She is gay) but making this next step is causing so much angst I'm freaking out. Everyone loves my husband (They all say what a great guy he is) I'm so scared people will hate me..

A film that I've recently seen that has helped me admit who I truly am is 'Kyss mig' It's a Swedish film (Kiss me) in English and has subtitles. If anyone is struggling then watch this. Such a lovely movie..

Tru3 Mon 25-Jul-16 16:34:32

I'm in much the same situation - I met my dh when I was mid way into coming out as a lesbian. I got pregnant and settled down with him eventually marrying him . He knew I had a preference for ladies when we met but subsequently ignored that . now 15 years into the relationship 9 into the marriage he occasionally comments about me being gay (in fact most people openly perceive me as a lesbian) . I haven't cheated on him but I don't know how much longer I can ignore that part of me . I guess I felt the need to comment to let you know your not alone for what it is worth - my plan going forward is to explore how gay I am and then when I am certain of what I want address the issue with my husband and our child .

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