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To still be angry so many years later?

(40 Posts)
Musetta Mon 12-May-14 16:46:07

Inspired by another thread.

My dh cheated on me years ago in the most spectacular fashion-he had a threesome with two prostitutes and was caught/prosecuted. At the time we were going through a horrendous time due to bereavement and I was pretty much a zombie through the whole period.

I left breifly but returned as I was just in a fog. Both our families knew too.

My issue is that dh has never talked about it/shown remorse properly.He maintains that it was all a misunderstandinghmm-that he thought he was a going to a party,blah,blah,blah,did'nt know they were prostitutes etc.

He has never explained to me what actually happened or really said sorry and if I bring it up then he either refuses to discuss it or tries to turn it back on me-I had a one night stand a couple of years ago with another woman.

Our families also never speak of it. Dh's family think he is fantastic and blamed it all on his drinking issueshmm My family dislike dh immensely but are polite for my sake.

I feel so angry all the time and its is destroying me-I just can't move past this even though it was years ago. Yes we do have lots of problems in our marriage and yes I should have left and never went back. I am a fucking idiot.

Just wanted to vent really.

Musetta Mon 12-May-14 16:47:48

Sorry should have made it clear-dh denies having sex with the women or that he actually went with them with the intention of having sex so in his books he has'nt cheatedhmm

Jan45 Mon 12-May-14 16:57:14

So what was he prosecuted for then?

Sorry but you are never going to get rid of this anger until your OH takes some responsibility for breaking your heart. He sounds a vile and entitled man, I'd be careful he doesn't do it again to you, why not, there's no recourse is there.

spatchcock Mon 12-May-14 17:00:47

I'm sorry but he sounds absolutely dreadful. If he was caught and prosecuted I'm afraid that's pretty black and white.

The fact that he never apologised or shown remorse means he does not care that he's hurt you (and I can only begin to imagine the pain you've been through).

Why would you want to stay with someone who cares so little about you?

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Mon 12-May-14 17:05:17

Jesus how can you bear to look at him without your flesh crawling?!

Yes you should have left. Yes you can leave now.

No it won't get any 'better', unless you have a lobotomy, I suppose. Being disgusted and unable to forgive him is simply a sign that you're a normal functioning human being again, I'd say.

You stayed because your judgement was awry, you were blindsided by bereavement.

You aren't now.

By the way, the way he's acted since confirms that yes, it wasn't a terrible lapse and yes he really is that revolting.

Musetta Mon 12-May-14 17:14:44

I know he was charged with assaulting one of the girls-he claims they robbed him and locked him in the flat but I don't know if he was actually foung guilty as I was kept away from it all as I was so mentally ill-literally suicidal.

It is really not that easy to leave when you have been with someone 20 years,have 4 dcs and no money and no where to go.

Yes at times I absolutely hate/loathe him-most of the time if I am honest. But he has lots of issues that have been brushed under the carpet by both myself and his family for years-mainly drinking related.

I just wish I was'nt so bitter/angry all the timesad

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 12-May-14 17:15:23

It's not too late to leave and never look back you know. Early days of a marital crisis and often the go-to response is to lock down, maintain the status quo and agree to anything rather than breaking things up and leaping into the unknown. You've had a few years to realise you've made a mistake. There's time to correct it.

Jan45 Mon 12-May-14 17:16:36

I assume your kids are older so why not start again?

Your bitter and angry all the time cos you are living with a sleaze ball of a man.

Nobody is saying it's easy but it's definitely doable.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 12-May-14 17:17:52

"It is really not that easy to leave when you have been with someone 20 years,have 4 dcs and no money and no where to go."

Whereas staying, being driven suicidal and feeling angry and bitter 24/7 and for years on end is a stroll in the park, right? hmm My feeling is you will have no idea just how low he has brought you until you get him properly out of your life.

Musetta Mon 12-May-14 17:19:03

I can't leave-I have no money and no where to go. Its useless saying go to the council as they will not immediately give us somewhere to live and even if they did,how would I pay for it? I am a sahm btw. I am not going to let my dcs live in a homeless shelter with junkies-as far as they are concerned we live in a happy homesad

I have never told any of my friends about what happened either-I was too ashamed that I went back.

spatchcock Mon 12-May-14 17:20:23

Assault too. It just gets better and better.

I agree with Cogito. Staying with this man is obviously hugely detrimental to your mental health and sense of self. You deserve a life not just existence.

Can you imagine staying with him for the next 30 years??

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 12-May-14 17:22:23

You know that part in the marriage ceremony about 'all my worldly goods I thee endow'? It's not just words, it's a contract. Everything he owns and earns is yours as well and you'd find that out if you make an appointment with a solicitor and CAB and explore what your rights really are. With 4 children, for example, and given that he's probably on some kind of sex offender's register, it is more likely that he would be expected to leave the marital home. You're a long way from a homeless shelter and junkies... who told you that would happen?

Jan45 Mon 12-May-14 17:23:22

For goodness sake OP, go do your research, find out about entitlements, contact Women's Aid, they will be able to tell you. Arm yourself with knowledge and then decide what you want to do, you sound completely defeatist, there are actions you can take you know, you don't have to just sit back and accept this is your life.

Musetta Mon 12-May-14 17:23:59

No I can't imagine staying with him once the kids have left but I can't see a time when I will be in a postion to leave either. At the moment I feel like I am paralysed.

A lot of this is of my own doing-I shut down when bad things happen and just lock it all away. Now I feel it has been too long to drag it all up again.

Musetta Mon 12-May-14 17:27:09

He is not on a sex offender's register-I know this much. I don't think he was actually found guilty although I am not 100% certain of this.

I have told dh that if I left he would have to provide for dcs,I would be entitled to half of sale of house etc. He thinks because I don't work that I will be entitled to nothing-I am not that daft that I know that's just bollocks. But we also have a lot of debt which I would be half responsible for too.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 12-May-14 17:28:34

I really think you'd benefit from getting legal advice because he is frankly selling you a load of old rubbish there. Is the debt in his name or joint?

DioneTheDiabolist Mon 12-May-14 17:28:41

OP, if I were in your shoes I would take a two pronged approach to your problems. First start looking for a job. It will give you confidence and an income of your own. Second tell your husband that you are not over his betrayal and that you want the two of you to go to relationship Counselling to sort it out.

You sound so helpless and angry at the minute, it's time to deal with the issues as they are not going to go away on their own.sad

Musetta Mon 12-May-14 17:30:55

This is one of the reasons why I never told any of my friends-I feel as if I am being attacked and judged when I am the innocent party!

Yes I aware I sound defeatist but as I already mentioned I was very mentally ill and tbh don't think I have ever recovered. I tried counselling-for the bereavement not the other issues-and it made me feel ten times worse.

I just don't see how I can sit down with dh after all these years to thrash all this out when he refuses to admit/achknowledge most of it?

Jan45 Mon 12-May-14 17:31:06

He's lovely eh, thinking you won't be entitled to anything, nice for his kids too to think they have a dad that's more concerned with keeping his money all for himself.

Jan45 Mon 12-May-14 17:32:28

You can bring it up every minute of the day if you see fit, don't you get it, he broke the marriage, not you, he's done absolutely nothing since to make you want to be with him, best thing you can do is bring it up! Or, settle for this then, it won't get better, in fact, he'll cheat on you again.

Musetta Mon 12-May-14 17:33:23

The debt is solely in his name,as is the house although we are married. I have never worked during our marriage and only briefly before that so not that easy to just walk into a job. Can't afford childcare either.

I do some voluntary work which I am hoping to use to fill the cv gap and for references. My youngest child is only a toddler.

Musetta Mon 12-May-14 17:35:18

That is another one of the many problems in our marriage jan-he does see his money as "his". As far as he is concerned I have a very easy life-not having to work.worry about bills etc. This is also thrown in my face when we argue.

He would fight me tooth and nail before he gave me half the house too.

spatchcock Mon 12-May-14 17:37:31

No one is attacking you, just trying to make you see that you don't have to spend your life with this awful man. Lots of posters have been in a similar position and will have good advice for you.

Musetta Mon 12-May-14 17:39:27

Dh would not recognise himself as an "awful" man-he think's he is a saint because he goes out and provides for us all.

itwillgetbettersoon Mon 12-May-14 17:46:06

OP he can fight tooth and nail regarding giving you half the house. Thankfully he will not win. The law has a duty to ensure children are housed. You will get minimum 50% of the house possibly even more. In my divorce I will be asking for 75%. You need to get legal advice rather than listening to him.

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