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Is our relationship doomed?(80 Posts)
Hi, I posted a few days ago about my partner wanting me to leave his house, but stay together.
Brief recap; we have only been together for two months but had already talked about moving in together, which was his suggestion. He seemed really keen and planning the future, then I went to stay the weekend with my three children and we argued loads, due to stress on my part caused by other issues I was having to deal with at the time. He said it might be better not to move in together just yet, I agreed, and then my ex attacked me one night at home and when I told my partner as I was really shaken up, he said he would pick us up that night and we would live with him...but if he or I couldn't handle it at any point, I would have to make alternative arrangements.
We have argued a lot...well, bickered with a couple of massive rows thrown in, caused by me and where I said some awful, hurtful things that have stayed with him. He is worried I am using him for somewhere to stay (not true at all) but says he still loves me more than anything, wants to stay together but I need to get my own place so he can have his space, get used to the idea of living together and build our relationship.
We talked last night. We haven't argued for the past couple of days and now his teenage daughter has come to live with him too. She has a few issues and part of the reason for asking me to leave, was so he could dedicate attention to her.
I like his daughter, she copes well with my children and helps look after them (just little things like talking to them if they're playing up, that kind of thing) and I seem to be getting on okay with her. She's a great kid.
When we talked last night, he said "I wanted everything to be perfect but I'm just rubbish. All the feelings I had for you are still there just the same, but the stresses of life get to me and make me say the wrong things".
He also said this situation is hard for him...I've been a single parent for seven years so am used to it, but he isn't and just the constant noise, people around all the time (it's a relatively small house) is difficult for him to handle. He says that even talking to me without children screaming in the background all the time is hard and he wishes he could just do that one small thing.
I asked how he can see me as often as he used to, with my children and now his daughter (who only came to live with him last weekend).
He reckons he can still see me 3-4 times a week and still stay over at my house, but I don't think he can as I have issues with him leaving his 13 year old, home alone while he does those things. Especially overnight.
I asked if he ever saw us living together and he said maybe in 6 months once we have built our relationship more and gets used to the idea of living together with the children and the noise, etc.
But in my mind, he's had two weeks so far to get used to it, and is likely to have a few more weeks of it because I can't move out right away, and he said I can stay until I find somewhere else.
What do you think, do you think that he will ever get used to the noise and having so many people around in order to allow us to live together in the future, or has his experience with us here now ruined our future?
"He's had two weeks to get used to it".
In the great scheme of things that's no time at all. The last time you posted about this situation the overwhelming majority advised you to start making plans for providing your own roof over your head rahher than imposing you and your brood on someone who is barely more than a stranger. What have you done to secure one? Or are you going to stay in limpet-mode and remain where it's clear you're not wanted?
Two months together is not long enough to be a foundation for blended families. Why are you in such a hurry?
Two months in and you put 3 kids on him, he's perfectly entitled to not want to put up with it. Why are you in such a rush. Now after two weeks you want him to get used to it. There's nothing wrong in wanting his own dd to be priority.
I think he is making it very clear that, right now, he does not want to live with you.
If you try to cling on and stay, then yes I think it's doomed.
But once established in your own home, you and he can see if you can get things back on track.
I can't believe you think it's a good idea to move in with a new partner two months in when you have kids. Of course you have no idea if you are long term compatible at that stage. You need to provide a stable base for your kids and you can't do that of you're looking to be 'rescued' by the first man that comes along.
So what are you asking this time round?
2 months and arguing - not a good start really.
And what is wrong in dating, why do you have to move you and your three kids in on top of him, esp when he has a young girl to take care of now.
You seem determined to bulldozer your way into his home regardless.
Can't you just date and live in separate homes?
So are you living with him right now?
Bloody hell, where is your dignity?? I am embarrassed for you, reading this post. For goodness sake, the longer you stay, the more doomed you are. Get OUT of his house!
I remember your post. You treated his house like emergency accommodation and now you want to stay. You need to find somewhere else to live. Soon. Honestly, I'd feel put out if I was in his shoes.
It wasn't a good idea for the OP to move in but was precipitated by DV with her exP or exH, I can't remember. I can't think of anything worse than a new partner, only two months into dating, turning up on the doorstep with a bunch of kids in tow.
He's been very kind up to now but the longer you stay under his feet where you are not wanted, the more likely it is that he'll just end things with you once and for all. And I wouldn't blame him.
Yes, I think this relationship is doomed because you, and to some extent your boyfriend, appear to have abandoned both boundaries and priorities.
You really do need to find you and your children somewhere permanent to live.
Then you can date. But you are right about one thing - your boyfriend shouldn't even be contemplating leaving his daughter alone overnight when she has only just started living with him and she is 14.
And yes disgusting that he's even contemplating leaving a 13 year old home alone.
His isn't going to pan out the way you want it to. He's made his feelings clear.. you have to leave. It was never supposed to be permanent and your kids need some security.
And don't take the stay until you find somewhere to mean you've got tons of time or you may find yourself with a solid deadline in the middle of an argument.
Your relationship is over because you are forcing yourself into his life. Your ex attacked you. Why did you not call the police and have him removed from the family home? I think you just aren't going to take no for answer and will continue to crow bar yourself into his life and living situation until he can barely stand the sight of you.
Are you even thinking of your dc at all? What do you think they are learning watching their mother behave in this way.
Get out of his house immediately, then see of there's anything left to salvage. Honestly I can sense this poor mans desperation from here.
Two months together is so little time, and two weeks to get used to living with you and your kids is nothing. You honestly can't just fling families together and expect it to be going smoothly a fortnight later. At that stage I don't know that I would even have introduced him to my kids as my boyfriend, much less moved in with him! Honestly, OP, I think you both need to take it much more slowly - he's got the right idea at this point. Find yourself a place to live, see him when you can both manage it, and give it time to develop before you launch into making a home together.
OP, just to put this into perspective. I have been with my 'OH' for nearly a year. He is a single parent, and so am I.
We are lucky if we spend a night a week together at the moment. This is because the children - even the older 18+ ones - always come first. They just have to. I don't particularly like that I don't see him much right now - but I'd like it a lot less if he wasn't the kind of responsible man who put his own children first. This is particularly relevant where kids have been through their own parents' divorce / splitting up.
We wouldn't dream of trying to live together. It would be too soon, too chaotic, too selfish. Maybe one day ... if it's right, it can wait a while.
It doesn't look good to be fair
You really have to move into your own place with your children and concentrate on them for a while. It sounds like they have been through a really unsettled time and probably need some stability before you get too serious with your current partner.
I think you are being ridiculous by trying to force a family set up with someone you have been dating for 8 fucking weeks. It's absurd! I feel so sorry for your children. They must be so confused.
I thought this had to be a wind up.. if not;
1) you need to put your children first. You don't know this bloke from Adam. They have just been through one emotional trauma. Why on earth would you then move them straight in with the first bloke that comes along?
2) You've frightened him off. Even if you would have been perfect for one another you've forced yourself & your kids on him
3) Why would any responsible adult even contemplate leaving their 13year old alone so that he can spend the night with his girlfriend?
4) You both need to grow up and stop being so utterly selfish. Your kids will remember all this nonsense when they're older .
I hear stories like this over & over again. Ridiculous women who can't exist without a man.
On this thread and the last, I think you are seeing this man as a 'meal ticket', who will provide accommodation for your family. Having rushed to move in, putting him under pressure, you now won't move out. He doesn't want you there - can't you see that?
I think it's unfair to say I rushed to move in.
He brought the idea up in the first place and then after my ex attacked me (and there's other stuff with the house meaning it was unsuitable for me to stay there...just trust me on that please), he suggested that he would come and get us, and we would live with him. He was even telling the kids that it was a permanent thing...they asked, I didn't realise he had told them that.
Well he's changed his mind once faced with the reality. It's sad for you but really was always the most likely option. If I were you I would leaving skid marks trying to move out and away from someone who didn't really want me or my dc.
You keep saying HE said this, well maybe he did but now he's saying something else so listen to THAT and give him his home back!
Just because he suggested it, it doesn't mean you had to move in. Why didn't you consider the potential impact of moving your DCs in with a total stranger? You would be better off concentrating on trying to provide some stability for them rather than obsessing over the future of your 8 week relationship.
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