Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Anyone ever used a private investigator?

(35 Posts)
barkinginessex Mon 12-May-14 12:51:06

Sorry this will make me sound nuts but I feel like I'm losing my mind.
Posted on here before under a different name about DP, he cheated last year and I know he is still in contact with OW.
When I confronted him about this he promised the contact will stop and is only texting her because she's upset etc.
He's deleted her from his phone now but he is constantly texting her (can see her number at top of screen and I know it's her number). I don't know his pass code but I'm desperate to look at the texts between them.
Has anyone ever hired a P.I and if so can they access phones etc? I've googled ways to bypass his pass code but no luck yet.
I tried to view them on the iPad but he has locked the access so I can't view them on there, he has also locked his work emails so I suspect he's been emailing her from work too.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 12-May-14 12:53:07

If you know he's constantly texting her you don't need a PI, surely? You've got the evidence of your own eyes. Take control therefore, tell him to get lost and put the onus on him to prove that he's not cheating.

bragmatic Mon 12-May-14 12:53:27

Why do you need one? You know he is doing it.

If you must. Demand to see his texts. If he says no, you have your suspicions confirmed. Don't waste your money.

Salazar Mon 12-May-14 13:06:45

Tbh I'd just leave him. He doesn't sound like he is worth the hassle.

Or your money. Or your sanity.

barkinginessex Mon 12-May-14 13:07:06

Yes I know you are right, I just want to read through the messages and find out what they are saying to each other. His cheating has made me crazy!

Salazar Mon 12-May-14 13:08:05

Just walk away. Honestly.

MotorLoo Mon 12-May-14 13:11:51

If he's still in contact with her then he has no respect for you whatsoever regardless of whether there's any sexual contact between them anymore. Don't waste your money on a PI. You're not crazy, he has completely destroyed your sense of what's normal and what's not. This isn't.

AnyFucker Mon 12-May-14 13:15:47

Don't lower yourself any further than ypou already have, love

End this harmful relationship and spend the money on a nice little holiday for yourself instead.

The craziness will stop when you stop putting yourself through this torture. The man is a cheat, and he is still cheating. This is no way to live. Take control and your self respect will thank you for it.

Jan45 Mon 12-May-14 13:17:19

Why do you need a PI, he pissed all over your relationship and still is, just move on for goodness sake.

Sorry I know you must be upset but really, it's time to move on with your life.

Rupertandfifi Mon 12-May-14 13:17:28

I have been followed by a PI - I had knew something was up btw.
If you feel the need to get a PI - I wouldn't waste your money, I'd use it to make a fresh start.

LadyMacmuffintop Mon 12-May-14 13:18:47

No, but I quite like the idea of spying on a suspected cheater. Everyone above is right though, you already know the truth.. why waste your money, time and emotional energy on him. Poor old OW - she deserves respect and help but you do not? Nice. Ask to see his phone.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Mon 12-May-14 13:32:41

"Only texting her because she's upset".

If this was true, which it is not, he would be willing or even eager for you to read his texts, his emails, everything. That's if he was sincere about his regret at having betrayed you in the first place and wanted to reassure you that you deserved his attempt at rebuilding your trust. He should be willing to crawl over broken glass to prove it.

Honestly, you don't need to torture yourself about the content of his texts and emails. Why make a bad situation even worse?

BeCool Mon 12-May-14 14:02:49

Just ask to see his phone. If he refuses then you know all you need to know surely?

He sounds like a dick - you can always just move on, no drama, just end it and move on.

st273447 Mon 12-May-14 22:55:56

In a similar situation....

Found out my husband had an affair for about a year before I found out.

Once confronted he said he need to figure out things and after about 3 months I gave him an ultimatum and he stated he wanted to save our marriage and keep the family together and would stop all contact.

A week after the ultimatum I found out he was still seeing her... but stated he hasn't found "the right time to tell her".

We are now 3 weeks further on and I'm sure he's still seeing her, but insists that he hasn't meet her in person, even though I pointed out that I saw a message on his phone mentioned that they had a passionate kiss a couple of weeks ago.... anyway, it's very difficult as every time I try and confront him about his continued affair, he keeps playing the privacy card and the fact I shouldn't be infringing on his personal space.

I seem to be stuck between a rock and a hard place.... he insisting it's over... and me not being able to move forward even though I know it's not.. but need to keep my noise out of his business.

AnyFucker Mon 12-May-14 23:08:35

st, you are being played for a fool, love

end this farce, you are going to look back at this and hate yourself for being such a doormat < said kindly >

Scornedwoman67 Mon 12-May-14 23:25:04

OP (and st)
I am so sorry for both of you. I was in your place. He lied about it being over, I snooped. .it went on for nearly a year. Please please don't do it. It destroys your self esteem and will drive you nuts. In retrospect ( easy to see now) I should have kicked him out & told him to run along to his poor OW.
The lies and excuses just go on & on and in their self-entitled heads they love being 'needed'. You & the kids won't get a second thought. Please protect your emotional and financial wellbeing. Sending you my best wishes and hopefully the strength to realise that they are simply sad selfish bastards. x

PenelopeKeeling Mon 12-May-14 23:25:58

Save the money - you know you don't trust him.

AtrociousCircumstance Mon 12-May-14 23:30:27

Don't hire a PI. You don't need anyone else to validate this for you. He has cheated and is still cheating.

Take the decision to end your relationship. There's nothing left for you there but heartache.

Hissy Tue 13-May-14 07:25:12

Don't waste money on what you already know.

Invest in some bin bags and bag his stuff up and kick him out.

Message goes to OP and st

dirtybanana Tue 13-May-14 07:32:48

Buy some cheapo bing bags, and treat yourself with the rest of the cash.

Any change of getting a look at the bill to see numbers called/texted?

Only1scoop Tue 13-May-14 07:37:12

He's going to huge lengths to ensure you are not going to see anything....surely that tells you all you need to know.

Joysmum Tue 13-May-14 07:41:08

Even if he is worried about her being upset, once again he's not worried YOU being upset and is lying to enable him to do exactly what he wants.

Even with no sex involved, he's not respecting your boundaries and is once again proving everyone else is more important than you.

Onesleeptillwembley Tue 13-May-14 07:55:33

Save your money and your self esteem. Dump the Tosser.

Meerka Tue 13-May-14 08:27:24

I have hired a PI to trace someone (unsuccessfully actually) but I know he does adultery work too.

But like everyone else I think your gut instincts are telling you something very strongly and you are just (just) finding it hard to get to grips with, becuase your whole life has changed already and if you take action, will carry on changing.

ravenmum Tue 13-May-14 08:48:23

Same position except I played the PI myself, found the password and read the detailed sex talk, declarations of love, descriptions of how he had never loved me really but I pressured him into having children and marrying, and how shit I was in bed and as a person.

I know it's him desperately deluding himself, finding a reason why it was fair enough for him to have a year-long affair, take her to sex hotels, on holidays etc. But even though the stories about me and our life are in large part jaw-dropping fiction, I know that if he tells his girlfriend this, he'll tell his family and maybe even the kids the same story, and I won't be able to defend myself. I'll just be working or walking along when a line from his emails pops into my head and it feels like someone kicked me in the stomach.

Part of me is relieved to have proof it is not just all about me, as he led me to believe. But part of me says that maybe some of it is true, and I am shit in bed without knowing it, and an evil narcissist as his girlfriend (who has admittedly never met me) says.

In fact I don't even have proof that it wasn't mostly my fault, as he still says (in a weaselly, indirect way) that he was forced into it by my bad behaviour, and couldn't help it.

So it hasn't been all helpful.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now