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Any advice please??

(36 Posts)
Allgonenow Mon 12-May-14 08:02:36

Name changed for this

I have been dating someone I met online for 4 months. Everything's been good, can't say anything bad about him and we get on well. I felt he was falling for me and I could see he thought a lot of me then he told me he loved me. I believe him because he treats me really well. At first I really wasn't sure how I felt about him. I wasn't that attracted to him physically and he's not very good looking ( shallow I know) but because of the person he seemed to be I kept seeing him to see what happened

Well now I actually love him. I have really strong feelings and I'm very scared. Might sound childish but whilst he was the one at the start who obviously liked me more than I did him, I felt safe. Now I'm terrified and the more I grow to love him the more I keep looking for little signs that he's not as keen on me anymore. I feel as though I could stay with him forever and I want us to be together so I think I'm probably further on than he is now.

How do I just relax and enjoy the relationship. I don't want to become clingy and I don't want to be giving off vibes that ruin us but I just want to be with him all the time and I'm not sure he feels the same.

I keep thinking he's pulling back from me but I don't know if I'm imagining it or it's real. He still sees me as often but I guess he's more relaxed and now we both have said we love eachother I can feel there's not that wondering in him. I need to chill out but it's so hard

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 12-May-14 09:10:08

You can't switch off or slow down feelings. Neither can you switch off the obvious insecurity that is shining out from your post. All you can do is adjust how you outwardly present yourself. If you don't want to be 'clingy' or give off vibes act accordingly. Behave like a loving but independent person & maintain your own friendships, activities, lifestyle rather than being over-reliant on him. The same things will also make you feel more secure. i.e. that life would go on in a good and meaningful way whether the relationship does or not.

Allgonenow Mon 12-May-14 09:29:30

I've really only just started to feel this way. I was completely happy and content and felt secure but I think that was because I thought he liked me more than I liked him.

I feel I don't really do much independently of him. I work shifts so on the nights we don't see eachother I'm at work so not much time for a social life. If I did other things on the evenings I'm off then we would hardly see eachother. I guess this is the issue then, he has other interests and I don't even though I would like to

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 12-May-14 09:42:25

Then that's the thing to correct. You need an independent social life of some description, even if it means that you see him a little less often. It's the only way to feel more secure in yourself and therefore more secure in your relationship.

Allgonenow Mon 12-May-14 09:46:27

I think that is the way to go because I'm feeling so vulnerable and I don't like it at all. I keep thinking if he liked me as much as I like him surely he'd be feeling vulnerable too but he doesn't seem to be.

I would feel happier if I had an interest other than him and work but it would mean seeing him less and surely as a relationship progresses you see eachother more don't you. And I really do want it to progress

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 12-May-14 10:30:07

Not necessarily. Being in a relationship means making a few adjustments and spending a certain amount of time together but you shouldn't be planning to spend all your waking hours in each other's company. Even if you end up living with someone, it's still a wise move to have your own interests, friends and so on. Then you are an interesting person and not some dreary, needy dependent type with no life of their own.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 12-May-14 11:46:28

So you felt secure when you sensed he was keener on you than you were on him. Now the balance has shifted around the time that first heady buzz of it all being new and fresh has worn off.

He may have regretted being as eager as he was at the start. He won't be any more reassured if you begin looking for problems and negatives or start leaning on him wanting assurances.

The shift work means you aren't hemming him in. You each have time to see friends and pursue hobbies. It's agood idea to keep doors open - a whiff of freedom even at a time your instinct might be to cling on for dear life.

Btw it's easy to coast along when you start to get comfy. Maybe a bit hazy about punctuality or letting the other person make all the arrangements about going out or getting lazy about appearances? The last thing you want to do is stifle him but when you do meet up, put a bit more effort in. Don't take him for granted.

(NB That isn't the same as being a doormat by bending over backwards to accommodate thoughtless or selfish behaviour just to cling onto him).

Next time you are face to face give a positive statement such as, “I was thinking only today that I'm happy to be with you" . Follow that with a smile and carry on talking about something else.

Allgonenow Mon 12-May-14 16:33:29

I don't think he's changed towards me, he's still consistent, says he loves me makes an effort. It's me that's changed, I've become insecure because I've become attached to him and I'm scared. I'm desperately trying not to show him. Is it common to get like this? If not, what is wrong with me? I should be happy

whitedoorbell Mon 12-May-14 19:06:24

allgone I can sympathise with you. that is exactly how I feel. I only met bf 6 weeks ago but am struggling to manage my emotions and insecurities.

I know that he likes me but I worry that I like him more. I am really struggling to relax and enjoy it.
I fell like when we are together it is so comfortable and then the next day when I can't see him I feel so empty.

I am really shocked by the strength of my feelings and it is really quite frightening.

part of me wants to run away. .. but the brave part wants to stick it out and see what happens.

confused

Allgonenow Mon 12-May-14 21:39:38

whitedoor yes part of me wants to run away also but I can't I'm in too deep now and to think at the start I really didn't fancy him and just carried on seeing him because he seemed a nice person

I get annoyed with myself for always finding problems when I just want to enjoy and be happy. Now I'm fretting that he didn't tell me he lived me at the end of our last phonecall and I'm reading things into it. It's ridiculous and I'm going to ruin everything. What I don't understand is the change in me. A couple of weeks ago I was happy and content enjoying my time with him. Now I'm like some mad woman in the attic

Tinks42 Mon 12-May-14 22:05:12

Take deep breaths and get things back into perspective. Don't talk about "feelings" for a while and have fun. Do everything you have always done when without him. Go to friends and let it all hang out there (drive them mad mentioning him every second, that's what friends are for) grin

Allgonenow Mon 12-May-14 22:11:42

That's just it i don't really go out or very rarely with friends. I work shifts and when I'm not working I'm really tired. I have 2 chronic health conditions so my health fluctuates and I get really tired. I would probably be happier if I was able to do something other than work or see him.

I'm going to have to make a massive effort I think and immerse myself in something, anything to stop myself obsessing

whitedoorbell Mon 12-May-14 22:30:40

allgone you and me both. ... come on. we can do this together xx

Tinks42 Mon 12-May-14 22:32:03

Yes you are, he isn't your be all and end all.

Tinks42 Mon 12-May-14 22:39:44

If its any consolation I don't do much due to work and having to be grounded looking after (which is worse than having a younger one) a 16 year old son. I also have a new relationship. I just don't tell what im doing every minute of the day (ok ok, I lie a bit just to keep up the mystique) grin There is no way he should be allowed to know that most of the time im in doors doing bugger all... Im out rather a lot actually.

LineRunner Mon 12-May-14 22:47:00

You've got two issues here, your insecurity / fear of abandonment stuff, and your lack if activities and social life outside of work and the boyfriend.

Have you ever looked into techniques or exercises (some CBT things e.g.) for your insecurities? They do have a very positive effect, if you stick at it.

Activities can be as simple as reading, writing, cooking, blogging, an online book club...

Allgonenow Mon 12-May-14 22:47:35

tinks grin tbh I had considered a few white lies or at least being Unavailable for phonecalls occasionally. However neither of us has played any games up til now but I guess it doesn't hurt to be a bit mysterious

[white] any thoughts on what we can do to stop obsessing?

Allgonenow Mon 12-May-14 22:49:50

[linerunner] an online book club sounds interesting. I'd like to do more cooking as well. Certainly the book club, do I just google it?

whitedoorbell Mon 12-May-14 22:53:31

allgone I think ultimately you need to be kind and love yourself.
Someone told me nobody can love you more than you love yourself. I trying hard to be kind to myself. tonight I had a nice bubble bath and watched tv in bed. meeting friend for coffer tomorrow. little things like that...
and try to stay positive.
much easier said than done and right now I feel fine. give me an hour and I will come crashing down again hmm

Tinks42 Mon 12-May-14 22:54:04

Its not playing games.... It's just not being available. Does he need to know you're watching your favourite dvd's for a night, does he need to know youre washing your hair? does he need to know youre in sainsburys doing a shop? Well he doesn't. I just don't divulge, I just say im busy.... nothing wrong with that. Women really need to stop telling "all"....

LineRunner Mon 12-May-14 23:07:44

OP, start with the MN one. On Adult Fiction I think.

You can google CBT techniques for 'fear of abandonment' and insecurity. Such as, slip back into your past to a desolate moment but take a trusted person with you, in your imagination, to hold your hand and say all the right things. The memory becomes a lot less scary and a lot more manageable. Repeat.

Tinks42 Mon 12-May-14 23:19:29

Do you know this poster Line? Everyone gets nervous about a new relationship when they like them, its natural and very normal.

It's also ok to tell them to slow down a bit if possible and not divulge everything they do.

LineRunner Mon 12-May-14 23:45:09

No, don't know the poster. I was looking at the OP's vocabulary and thinking it sounded much more than butterflies and actually a little bit sad and possibly deep-rooted - terms like scared, terrified, obsessing, insecure, always going wrong, mad woman in the attic, always finding problems, going to ruin everything...

Like a poster said today, to be loved you need to learn to love yourself. Might be a woo cliche, but it's not necessarily untrue.

Allgonenow Tue 13-May-14 06:58:53

Thanks for replies, there's some very helpful advice here.

tinks about the "not being available" he doesn't ask me anymore when I'm free he just says he will see me on such and such a night. This has become the norm now for quite a while, mainly because I work some evenings and on other evenings he's at his activity so it has to fit round us both,. It would be much easier to be Unavailable or mysterious if I worked a regular job as it is I feel it's either my shifts or him that dictate things.

Allgonenow Tue 13-May-14 07:18:26

What I can't get my head around is where has my happiness gone? Within the space of a week I seem to have gone from being happy, relaxed, trusting and everything flowing naturally to worrying, anxious and forcing myself to put on an act when I see him or speak to him that everything's fine

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