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First date since widowed, friends reactions

(69 Posts)
Agggghast Sun 11-May-14 11:23:54

Last night I went on the first date since being widowed, after 25 years of a very happy marriage. DH died over three years ago. My 3DC, all at uni, were fine about it with my 2 DD insisting on checking what I wore etc! I had a lovely meal and enjoyed his company, no physical contact apart from a peck on the cheek but have arranged to go to the cinema next Friday. Speaking to my closest friend about it this morning, who has been wonderful through this, she said that it was pointless me dating since I had a maestectomy nearly four years ago and if she had known I would get over DH ( I never will) so quickly she wouldn't have bothered. I am completely shell shocked and firstly wonder if she is right about the maestectomy, looking a long way in advance but he does know I had breast cancer. But also now feel I have let DH down although I know he would not have felt it. Is just over 3 years too soon?

MuttonCadet Sun 11-May-14 11:27:40

That is no friend. Your children are happy and so are you.

I'm sure no man worth knowing would have a problem with your mastectomy, and that, as you say, is in the future.

Enjoy getting to know this guy, 3 years isn't quick.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 11-May-14 11:28:00

That's not a friend, that's a killjoy, judgemental caaaahhhh.... smile I hope you told her to keep her nasty opinions to herself in future.

TheEnchantedForest Sun 11-May-14 11:30:04

I am shocked that anyone would say such a vile thing, let alone a supposed friend. Perhaps she has pegged you in some sort of 'grieving widow' catagory which suits her.
hopefully she will ring you up later after reflecting on her words and grovel.

Of course it isn't too soon. I am glad your children are (as they should be) supportive.
Enjoy yourself smile

tigermoll Sun 11-May-14 11:31:27

it was pointless me dating since I had a maestectomy nearly four years ago

Ohhh......sorry, I didn't realise that the only point of a date was TITS.

I thought it was about fun, desire, companionship, love, excitement, intimacy, attraction and enjoying someone's company. Silly me. Of course, unless you have PERFECT BREASTS you're just wasting his time.

Your friend is a dick.

handfulofcottonbuds Sun 11-May-14 11:32:06

Oh aghhst, firstly I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you had a wonderful marriage to your husband thanks

Please, please don't take what your friend has said to heart, people react in the strangest ways as you are probably all too aware. I'm going to say that she had no right to say any of that to you. I am angry on your behalf and you don't need to justify yourself to anyone.

The most important thing is that you are ready and that you have the support of your DCs. I think it's lovely how they helped you prepare for your date.

If this man is special then the mastectomy won't even factor into it. It will be you he will be wanting to spend time with.

I cannot believe she spoke to you like that.

Just enjoy the dating and speak to your DCs or on here if you want to say how things are going. This is your life and you have found out in the most cruel way how precious life is x

AmIGoingMad Sun 11-May-14 11:33:38

What a horrid person.

You and your dc are happy. It's an awful thing you've been through and I'm sure you'll never 'be over' the death of your DH. But you deserve to have some happiness and affection in your life.

Ignore her and do what makes you happy. Someone like this is no true friend.

HeartHotWaterBottle Sun 11-May-14 11:34:22

You have every right to move on and find happiness. Your friend is awful!

handfulofcottonbuds Sun 11-May-14 11:34:23

tigermoll has it in a nutshell. If she says anything again, it would be great if you could repeat tiger's post to her grin

FiveExclamations Sun 11-May-14 11:35:29

No, it's absolutely not too soon, the only person who would know if it was too soon is you (though I appreciate why you're happy that your children are on board).

What an absolutely judgmental twit she is. Just because she was great help through one part of your life does not give her rights over the rest of it.

RudyMentary Sun 11-May-14 11:36:56

I suspect your friend is jealous.
She is probably unhappy herself and consoled herself by being a good friend to someone worse off than her.

She may begrudge you finding happiness.

Delphinegreen Sun 11-May-14 11:37:06

Omg! You call her a friend???? She sounds awful. You have a right to a sex life, a mastectomy shouldn't come into it. Between you & partner.
It's true that some life events show you who your friends are.
Distance yourself from this woman, listen to your daughters and have a lovely time xxx

wheretoyougonow Sun 11-May-14 11:37:32

Your friend is a bitch. Don't listen to her and try and enjoy this new chapter in your lifethanks

Agggghast Sun 11-May-14 11:38:45

Thank you this has helped, I was so sure she would be happy for it has rocked me.

CaptainSinker Sun 11-May-14 11:39:27

Your friend's response is very strange, and must reflect some issues of hers.

Take your lead from your own feelings, and your DCs'.

My friend has just remarried after divorce. She had a mastectomy a few years ago. She and her new husband have a lovely relationship including plenty of sex... We are not allowed to ring for them when the curtains are closed.. Seems to be constantly!

Squeegle Sun 11-May-14 11:41:03

It is a really hurtful (and rather strange) thing to say. Does she feel left out? Is she on her own and thought you would be always there to keep her company?

NorthEasterlyGale Sun 11-May-14 11:41:33

Your friend is a bitch. Actually, my first thought was that she sounds quite like she's a jealous bitch to be honest.

I don't think there is a time frame for grieving or for when you're ready to see someone new. If it feels the right time then it is the right time.

You sound lovely, your children sound lovely and what matters is that YOU are comfortable with going on a date and that YOU are comfortable with your body. Don't second guess yourself because some silly mare with issues gobs off.

Go date - enjoy!

FiveExclamations Sun 11-May-14 11:42:05

Oh and I would now question her motives in helping, perhaps she fears that she might lose the saintly glow of supporting you if you are off enjoying your life exactly as I'm sure your husband would want you to.

People have strange attitudes about death, my oldest sister made horrible comments about me daring to look happy when visiting my father's grave three years after he died. I was 15 at the time.

Shockers Sun 11-May-14 11:43:15

The only way you could let your DH down is to use him as an excuse not to carry on living and loving. I assume he knew how much you loved and valued him, so treasure the memories you have and move forward with him in your heart.
I don't understand why your friend used the word 'pointless', but could it be possible that she's worried you'll get hurt? My other theory is that dating someone new can be tummy ticklingly exciting... perhaps she's envious?
Your children sound fab and are possibly best placed to understand how far you've come in your grieving journey. I wish you nothing but love in your future.

Jinglebells99 Sun 11-May-14 11:45:18

Oh my, what a nasty judge thing for your friend to say. I am shocked. Is she one of those people who comes out to wallow in other people's troubles? My mum had a friend like that when she was going through some health issues. Would phone her every day and come round, but when my mum was better, she found her demanding and overbearing and ultimately difficult and had to move on from her. I wish you future happiness.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 11-May-14 11:46:02

Trying to be charitable here: I think she's parked you in the dignified and suffering martyr category where it suits her for you to be, so she can pity you. Obvs going out on date with a new man means you can't be pitied and it's made her jealous of you.

I'd cut her off completely and then look forward to having some fun.

springlamb Sun 11-May-14 11:47:24

What a horrid thing.

If I look back over what you have said about your life over the past few years, I think you deserve to have the very best of times now, whether you have tits or not, whether you go on to have a physical relationship with this man or not. Three years is not too soon. To have coped with cancer and the mastectomy, to lose your DH, for your dc to have lost their father at such ages as they must have been and for you to carry on and get them through their own grief to a point where all 3 are at university and your dd's are certainly feeling that you now should have a bit of life for yourself, well you are a very brave lady.

Allow me to tell your 'mate' to fuck off and mind her own business.

Hissy Sun 11-May-14 11:48:24

Your friend is no friend at all.

i get REALLY cross when people stamp on others for no bloody good reason at all, and in one sweeping statement she has hit you on so many levels.

What a horrible, horrible person she really is.

I agree very much with what Shockers says too. I doubt your H would have wanted you to be alone and lonely, he would have wanted you to live on and be happy.

Drop the friend. She's not worth keeping in any way shape or form.

JennyPiccolo Sun 11-May-14 11:50:19

Your friend sounds awful. If you had passed away and your dp was still here with the kids, do you think it would be too soon?

I would undoubtedly want my partner to have some company if I wasn't around any longer.

Nanny0gg Sun 11-May-14 11:51:39

She sounds jealous.

Either her marriage isn't happy or she is single or she likes being the 'rescuer' or 'supporter' and she doesn't want to lose that power.

She's a cow, whatever the reason.

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