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Would you get this mad with a male friend?

(29 Posts)
HeartHotWaterBottle Sat 10-May-14 23:49:51

I guess I could almost say I've known him since birth, we were born on the same ward at same time in a small town hospital.

We were always very close when we got older (early teens), he liked me when we were 18 but it was in quite an innocent way and it didn't interfere with our friendship. I moved away to a city at 22 and he moved up soon after. At 27, one night when we went dancing he got irate in a club when someone tried to chat me up and got extremely heavy with me. I broke contact for a few years. He wrote one email during that time saying he'd always been in love with me.

We reconciled after a few years and recently I have been going through a terrible time and was going to stay in his spare room for a few months until I had things more sorted. He wanted me to go over for a meal, then afterwards when I left he pushed me against a wall and had a hard-on. I had to break away. It really freaked me out as he used to be like a brother to me, he was so sweet when he was younger. It feels like after a year of shagging around Asia he is now pushy and horrible.

I dropped contact after that apart from sending him a really shitty email saying that we should not be in contact again, end of. I can't believe I am saying this but I don't want him in my life if he feels like he can exploit me sexually when I'm vulnerable.

But do you think I was too harsh on him and trampling on his feelings? I still feel a bit bad for sending a 'no contact, ever' email.

Lufian Sat 10-May-14 23:53:28

You've handled it perfectly. He's lucky you didn't report him to the police.

Adayinthelifeof Sat 10-May-14 23:55:57

It sounds like he's a bit obsessed with you but if you don't feel the same he needs to accept that. I'd suggest you don't do anything that could be seen as encouraging him such as staying at his house or going out with him.

PotatoQueen Sat 10-May-14 23:56:46

Sounds to me like you did exactly the right thing

HeartHotWaterBottle Sun 11-May-14 00:17:42

We used to share the same bed a few times when we were younger, e.g. if we went out and would crash round each other's houses, or if we went to a festival. It was absolutely fine, just sleep.

He really used to be such a nice person, I feel sad that he is now sexually aggressive with women. He can still be soppy at times e.g. he said recently that he wanted us to marry and have children.

EnyaForest Sun 11-May-14 01:12:09

OP: you did exactly the right thing, sorry you got shaken up.

Unfortunately like you say I wonder if he was going for women who are poorer/forced to be in a subservient position in Asia? angry

In my opinion, it is generally not a good idea to keep men in your life like this. Even if they are "nice" you don't know what they are going to do next. Or what their motivation is.

I do agree that sometimes a brief "twinge of attraction" may occur with opposite sex friends: I will say I have some male friends who might have strayed into the date category, given different timing etc.

But this guy is at another level:

He is someone who is going to passive aggressively and resentfully offer to do you good turns and then "pounce" when you're low. Not someone you want in your life, he's like an emotional Fifth Column, you'll have to subconsciously be worrying what he's going to do all the time.

I'm assuming you're both early thirties, this is the age at which people's personalities "solidify" - no excuse of immaturity or "not thinking" here, its the age at which mature people consider the consequences of their actions,

Unfortunately I suspect he'll stay a predatory, passive aggressive character now (perhaps he'll rant about how women in Asia are "nicer" and "more feminine" because he can prey on them easier)

You need to build up your friendship group (which I KNOW is easier said than done) so you don't feel you need to let men like this in. I'd let a female friend stay in my room, or support her, or go out of my way to help her, no problem (I'm a lady).

Or if you've got stuff you need help with, find other resources - organisations, or even post on MN for advice.

HeartHotWaterBottle Sun 11-May-14 01:41:10

I had to google Fifth Column, don't think I have ever consciously registered that before. Are you interested in warfare?

Thanks Enya. It's nice to have support, even if it's through the web.

We are middle thirties and I hope to hell that my personality hasn't solidified, I would like to work on it! smile

I have noticed a marked change in him though, and a certain attitude towards Asian women. I know life is short and friendships fall through but it has shaken me a bit that he knows I was assaulted last year and he has started getting aggressive with me. I am extremely touchy about my space and I go mental if anyone comes too close. Not actually sure how to handle that and calm down.

Any decent man would stay clear of a fragile woman, apart from in a friendship sense.

Maisie0 Sun 11-May-14 02:41:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HeartHotWaterBottle Sun 11-May-14 06:06:11

No Maisie he DID know about the assault - he started getting heavy a couple of months back and at that time I said 'you can't say that to me, I'm trying to recover' so it's not kind of him to push me.

When we're chatting it seems the same as when we were younger but I honestly feel that I don't know him anymore, like he looks the same but I don't like him.

ivykaty44 Sun 11-May-14 06:13:08

I think you need to stop contact and remember not to start contact again.

FanjoForTheMammaries Sun 11-May-14 06:42:48

He assaulted you.

In no way should his feelings matter to you now.

Not sure why you are so sympathetic to him maisie.

FanjoForTheMammaries Sun 11-May-14 06:45:11

You are 100% right to have no contact with him.

He could move on from pushing you and do worse. Hr obviously has no self control. Or doesn't want to have any.

FanjoForTheMammaries Sun 11-May-14 06:46:43

"He wanted me to go over for a meal, then afterwards when I left he pushed me against a wall and had a hard-on. I had to break away. "

100% not acceptable.

HeartHotWaterBottle Sun 11-May-14 06:52:56

It's ok, I won't contact him. I had a close family member dying when he went to Asia, he was getting annoyed that I had to be at the hospital but I told him to go and that we'd catch up when he got back because one year was no time.

Actually he got really jealous when he got back and the relative had died because I was grieving. Weirdly enough the relative who died told me once quite pointedly that I couldn't trust this particular male friend! I must have missed something all my life.

LoveBeingCantThinkOfAName Sun 11-May-14 07:01:54

I think of things will start to come back to you that you've over looked and quite frankly had a lucky escape.

Arsebadger Sun 11-May-14 07:11:38

Erm Maisie when I was younger I shared beds with male friends platonically
Just because you can't keep your mitts to yourself, does not mean we are all like that

Maisie0 Sun 11-May-14 07:50:31

Sorry. I asked my post to be removed. So please do respect that. I won't respond to further posts. Thank you.

HeartHotWaterBottle Sun 11-May-14 07:55:09

Maisie your pm's are starting to upset me - I don't want to bow down to make him feel better, I have tried to be sympathetic in the past but he has not acted kindly so it's best to just have no contact with him.

FanjoForTheMammaries Sun 11-May-14 07:56:20

It is best.

Don't feel bad at all.

Maisie0 Sun 11-May-14 08:02:44

I'm sorry Heart. I also do not want to get involved further. I realised that it is best if you went for counselling, cos this is way too much out of my depth too. I do apologise for getting involved too. I do admit that the mention of the Asian women did annoy me a little bit, and I was too private also with some of my comments via PM, of which you also overlooked and it does also upset me too ! But yes, this thread is not about me, or about racism, and I shall leave it at that. Thank you so much.

HeartHotWaterBottle Sun 11-May-14 08:06:41

Maisie sorry I didn't mean anything by that, I was just stating what happened, e.g. he seems changed since coming back, he has never been overtly sexual with me before.

SanityClause Sun 11-May-14 08:15:05

Maisie, I think you'll find the reference to Asian women was more to prostitutes and bar girls who had come from a very poor background, and had little choice but to be submissive. I'm guessing in counties like the Philippines and Thailand.

I doubt the previous poster was trying to insinuate that all Asian women are submissive.

Your long post is very victim blaming, though. It shouldn't be up to women to be protected from men, or to have to protect themselves. It's up to men to ensure that they are not violent towards women.

WildBill Sun 11-May-14 08:20:59

I would break contact, he's told you many times he's interested in you yet you've told him it's platonic. He's now made an aggressive pass at you which is unacceptable. For whatever reason he's not getting the message that you are not interested..........

Got to agree with Maisie though. Grown adults should not be sharing beds specially if one knows the other is interested, it's naive to think it can be innocent.

HeartHotWaterBottle Sun 11-May-14 08:23:09

We honestly haven't shared beds since we were about 25 I guess? It didn't happen very often, just when we'd been to gigs or festivals sometimes. It didn't seem weird at the time and he didn't cuddle me or make a pass.

FanjoForTheMammaries Sun 11-May-14 08:25:25

You have done nothing wrong at all.

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