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Not really sure who is wrong in my relationship. Can you help?

(148 Posts)
BarbieCan Sat 10-May-14 19:44:12

I don't even know where to begin.

Bottom line is I am sure H is the problem and he is convinced it is me.

I think I am losing perspective.

There are so many small niggles it is difficult to even start writing about it all.
Maybe if you ask me few questions (like a mediator) I can answer them and than hopefully we can work out who is being unreasonable?

StandsOnGoldenSands Sat 10-May-14 19:45:21

Ok, I'll pitch in.
What has he done today that has annoyed you?

BarbieCan Sat 10-May-14 19:47:45

Huummm.
Actually I am guilty of annoying him first in the morning, he didn't take it very well and even after a conversation and a acknowledgement I was wrong and apology, he is still upset.

ravenmum Sat 10-May-14 19:47:48

Is the problem animal, vegetable or mineral?

Why does one of you have to be the problem?

YesAnastasia Sat 10-May-14 19:48:38

What does your relationship look like? Are you both working? Children? etc...?

Do you love him?

RatherBeRiding Sat 10-May-14 19:48:41

Hmmm. Tricky. There are always two sides to every story, but it might help to begin at the beginning.

How long have you been together? What was your relationship like in the early days? Do you have DCs?

How about setting down some of the niggles - then we can see what kind of things are bothering you.

BarbieCan Sat 10-May-14 19:49:21

rave this is to enigmatical for me, sorry!

BarbieCan Sat 10-May-14 19:51:04

What does your relationship look like? Are you both working? Children? etc...?
Both working, him full time (very demanding), me part time (CM), but I study and do most of childcare and housework

Do you love him? Sometimes I think I do but sometimes I think I don't.

tribpot Sat 10-May-14 19:51:49

I think what raven means is why does one party have to be to blame?

How did you annoy him this morning?

ravenmum Sat 10-May-14 19:51:56

OK, the first of my questions was not meant entirely seriously, but how about the second one? Is one of you (or are both of you) causing a problem, or are you both in a strange place and trying to cope with it in different ways?

HotSauceCommittee Sat 10-May-14 19:52:24

Is the problem that he is quick to be displeased by your actions? If he then follows it up by being pissy after an apology, it isn't good. Do you jump through hoops trying to please him? Because that will never work.

BarbieCan Sat 10-May-14 19:53:00

How long have you been together? What was your relationship like in the early days? Do you have DCs?

Together for about 9 years, fun on early days but not much in common from the start. A child together (not planned). Rushed marriage due to practical reasons.

AtrociousCircumstance Sat 10-May-14 19:54:53

Do you annoy each other by expecting each other to guess how you're feeling, not giving enough information? grin

What upset him this morning? Was the sulking about it out of proportion? Sulking is never good anyhow...

ravenmum Sat 10-May-14 19:55:18

Is your life in any way what you hoped it would be like or are you bitter/disappointed/fed up? How about him?

AtrociousCircumstance Sat 10-May-14 19:55:48

Sorry, being glib.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 10-May-14 19:57:34

Not much in common. A not-planned child. A rushed marriage.

There doesn't have to be anything wrong with either of you, or either one of you to blame. You could just not be compatible and there's nothing to be done about that other than to separate.

BarbieCan Sat 10-May-14 19:59:02

I think what raven means is why does one party have to be to blame?
Because we think if the another change, things will improve

How did you annoy him this morning?
It was really bad of me. I spoke badly of him to Dd so he could hear.
It was after a whole week of me thinking he wasn't doing enough but not verbalising it for the sake of not be a nag.
He took a whole week off and basically did only a few school runs, cooked one meal and took Dd to swimming. Never cleans after himself, etc. When Dd told me this morning that yesterday she asked him to take her to the playground right next our home on Friday afternoon after school and he didn't go, I flipped.

BarbieCan Sat 10-May-14 20:00:04

Do you annoy each other by expecting each other to guess how you're feeling, not giving enough information?

I always try to communicate and keep things clear.
He is either not interested.
Never talks unless on the end of his tether.

BarbieCan Sat 10-May-14 20:01:08

Is your life in any way what you hoped it would be like or are you bitter/disappointed/fed up? How about him?

He says he is content and resents me for wanting more.

Ok, so you were quite reasonably annoyed with him, but instead of addressing it with him, you took the passive aggressive route of doing it indirectly. Is communication always a problem? I can see how him not pulling his weight would be. Have you tried addressing this directly?

BarbieCan Sat 10-May-14 20:02:47

You could just not be compatible and there's nothing to be done about that other than to separate

If I even try to bring this up, a big drama is created and he become such a 'victim'.

ravenmum Sat 10-May-14 20:03:31

Why did he take a week off? Because of being overworked? Does he feel stressed about work?

Do you feel a nag because he says something to make you feel bad about complaining?

So he refuses to communicate like an adult then. Big problem.

BarbieCan Sat 10-May-14 20:04:41

Is the problem that he is quick to be displeased by your actions?
Other way round. I find it hard to accept the way he does things.

Do you jump through hoops trying to please him?
Never

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