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Am I being unreasonable thinking like this (dh)?

(24 Posts)
littlegreengloworm Sat 10-May-14 18:28:13

I work full time, have 7 month old, two months pg

During the week I do all chores, ironing, cooking, baby run etc.
I always did all of this but I'm only back working full time and have some evening work to do also.

Dh will change bins, put away dishes and do last feed and bath if I haven't done it.

At weekends he helps his brother in the family business (not paid but that's not my business) and was away until half six this evening from 9am

Tomorrow he wants to go to a football game and he will go to church etc. as always I will do dinner, sort baby, iron etc,

I have booked a treatment at a local hotel, asked him to make dinner and sort washing tomorrow because I won't be here. He is a bit miffed but he is quiet and non argumentative so just said ok, no problem. I can do the washing for you.

I'm pissed off. I know it's minor but also I am the higher earner and have a stressful job but shortish hours (8 to 4) he works until 6.

Well it's about time you had a day off. Nothing is more poisonous to a marriage than a man who thinks that all the domestic work and childcare is 'women's work' and that all the time he is not actually Doing His Paid Job is time for him to do whatever he wants.

ThinkIveBeenHacked Sat 10-May-14 18:36:54

I would start making bottle/bath his job every night. Can you give him the baby to take to church so you can have a lie in?

Just iron yours and babys clothes (if necessary) he is capable of ironing his own.

littlegreengloworm Sat 10-May-14 18:38:27

Well he is a good man and will do it but thinks its a favour to me. Early on in the marriage he said 'mam never complained' and that resulted in me refusing to do and ironing and cooking pasta and pesto only for a while. However, we never really row and because I am home at 4.30 and fairly house proud, I just get on with it. Is just pissing me off a lot this weekend. I'm bored of it.

ThinkIveBeenHacked Sat 10-May-14 18:40:17

A good man doesnt consider it a favour to his wife, he considers it part and parcel of being in an equal relationship.

littlegreengloworm Sat 10-May-14 18:41:54

I have membership to local poo, and I think I am going to go a good few evenings ( really helped me on last pg ) and leave a list of jobs. Even to peel to the potatoes for the next evenings meal. I think he doesn't realise the amount you've to do. I also do baby meals for cm and my mother isn't well so it's not easy. Then sometimes on a Sunday eve after all the chores he'll say we'll call to his mother (she's lovely but off he goes again doing jobs bad I'm listening to every ache and pain and church matters and I want to scream)

littlegreengloworm Sat 10-May-14 18:42:09

Pool blush

joanofarchitrave Sat 10-May-14 18:43:20

1. '...do last feed and bath if I haven't done it.'
2. 'I can do the washing for you. '

1. 'I feel that I look after the children and the house at all times*by default* unless you decide to do something, like the feed you did the other day. I feel as if you can plan what you like, because you know I will look after everything here. Can we think about how things could work better for both of us?'

2. 'For me? Why do you think you are doing the washing for me? The laundry is a household chore. You are a member of the household and old enough to do it. I'd like to feel as if we are pulling the weight equally.'

Handywoman Sat 10-May-14 18:44:45

I think maternity leave is a bugger sometimes it is a period I your life when you gradually adopt responsibility for absolutely everything. It's not on.

littlegreengloworm Sat 10-May-14 18:46:31

He really thinks he's great after dog a few jobs but they won't be the essential boring jobs. Varnishing outdoor wood or something. Then he will be all looking for kisses and delighted with himself. It's hard to get to mad with him but I think I've spoilt him.

littlegreengloworm Sat 10-May-14 18:47:10

Not dog, doing... Sorry about this keypad

ThinkIveBeenHacked Sat 10-May-14 18:47:22

grin and that is why when on Mat Leave I picked up the minimum amount of chores through the day I could get away with. Didnt want DH getting a shock when I went back FT at eight minths (shifts too so he had days and evenings of sole charge).

MadameJosephine Sat 10-May-14 18:49:14

'for you' is like a red rag to a bull in my house and DP knows it. There is more than one able bodied adult in the household so it is your joint responsibility to keep it running smoothly. Don't leave him a list because that just reinforces the idea that it is your respondibility and that you are delegating tasks to him. What you need to do is sit down together and write a list of what needs doing and then divide the work fairly.

Wibblypiglikesbananas Sat 10-May-14 19:10:45

He sounds lazy to me. You do everything and earn more than him. He's got a great deal!

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 10-May-14 19:15:16

'Mammy' spoilt him & so far you've been carrying on where she left off hmm Ignore his lip-pouting crap, find plenty of activities to do outside the home and knock this rubbish about working all day for his DB for free on the head while you're at it. No-one puts in 10 hour day for free... he's just dodging being at home.

Whether your children are boys or girls, make damn sure they pull their weight around the house in due course.

Annarose2014 Sat 10-May-14 19:15:39

God don't leave him a list! Then you really are playing "Mummy"!

As if he's an ickle boy who needs to be told how to set the table!

littlegreengloworm Sat 10-May-14 19:23:00

I have told him that with baby two he can't go off home ALL Saturday and hobbies Sunday end of.

I go to my parents for a couple of hours Saturday so I can't stop him visiting his ( and wouldn't want to ) but its th whole day thing and en having to put a dinner on the table for half six ......Grrrr

cjelh Sat 10-May-14 19:23:20

I think list is a good idea. Adults write lists all the time and not just mummies.

littlegreengloworm Sat 10-May-14 21:30:07

I'm actually more pissed off than I was earlier this evening and went for a long drive to clear my head.

I am going to stop ironing for him and plan more days for myself so he can't just say I'm going to xyz on Sunday sad

Ragwort Sat 10-May-14 21:33:31

You have a seven month old baby and are two months pregnant? Was that a joint decision?

littlegreengloworm Sat 10-May-14 21:36:43

Hi ragwort. Yes. Lots of fertility problems so was a happy suprise. A couple of yeas ago I was gld I migh not conceive. Also my age is a factor.

Anomaly Sat 10-May-14 21:39:39

Next time he expects a gold star for doing a job list all the things you've done. Get the book wife work and get him to read it.

Ragwort Sat 10-May-14 21:56:24

I know this will sound harsh but you admit in your first post that you have always done the housework, why did you think anything would change?

This is (sadly) such a constant theme on mumsnet - women want to have babies, men don't contribute to the running of the home - so why do women choose to have more children with these useless men? confused.

How many threads have we had on this subject over the years, and how many husbands/partners really change? I don't mean to be flippant, it must be a horrible situation for you, but I am genuinely so sad to be constantly reading these sorts of threads and I really wonder if the urge to 'have another baby' outweighs the fact that you sort of know that your DH is not fully participating in running the home? sad.

The one lesson I have learned over the years is that you can't change anyone else's behaviour, you can only change your own reaction to it.

littlegreengloworm Sat 10-May-14 22:03:09

You're right ragwort. I think his mother spoilt them, baked, did all. Even though he didn't live at home I have a feeling she might have done stuff fr him. She confided in me she's sick of all the housework herself. Also a couple of work friends (older than me) keep telling me not to get into bad habits. So it's a common thing.

Dh is better than a lot of men though (well the ones I know). I think he knows something's got to change. There is a bit of an atmosphere, I have been quiet for too long.

I am going to enjoy tomorrow by myself for the afternoon.

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