Hello all, very first post and so exasperated with my whole life that I can barely be arsed to type this. It's on the recommendation of a friend that I use this lifeline. I began to type last night and it quickly turned into a life story that made me angry to read and figured who could be bothered to read all of it.
Basically, it has become apparent (thought I was an intelligent woman and it appears I'm not) that I am what you might call 'financially abused'. My money is the housekeeping which I am given monthly by my (refuse to say DH - can I just use H?). Quickly reduced over the last few years from £300 per month, to £200 and now it's £150 - this to feed a family of 4 (2 DC's under 6), mobile phone, petrol, school trips, lunches, clothes etc plus the child benefit weekly of £34.
It's been like this for the entirety of our our relationship and when I'd had enough of the bullshit I left in the new year for a week but came back on the promise things would change.
Have left it too long really but finally got around to initiating these 'changes' a few days ago - I wanted to see all bank statements and work out a budget/plan for the future etc and this has been flatly refused. He'll happily start a joint account now 'but I've got to be honest too' (!) but under no circumstances am I seeing 'his' account. He effectively said that I can leave before he'll show me his personal information. He said he'll tell me anything I need to know and has shown me his payslips.
More worrying that he always has the best - I get a big ticket item for a birthday when everyone clubs in/he just buys himself the same, I get charity clothes/he buys designer, I keep coupons for food/he buys leather wipes for his car upholstery, I take pride in grabbing a bargain/he buys a car and doesn't even discuss it.
He is seriously in debt; which in theory means I am too, though my name is on nothing (not the house, utilities, credit cards, cars etc) and yet he still spends. This is only found out through my thorough investigation - I could start P.I. company for wives I've become so wiley. A friend let slip this week that she saw a statement when she was house sitting last year with a gambling payment of over £100 and I shudder to think what else might be on there. He really didn't want me to leave him in the New Year so what the hell could be so bad that he'd rather risk us leaving than show me? Definitely don't suspect an affair - his hours/minutes etc are pretty much completely accounted for at work and he never goes out. The worst part is I've only asked to see from January onwards.
I don't think I'll ever get to see them and want to leave but suppose I'm kind of stuck. No relatives nearby (or even in this country for that matter), no savings (bank balance is often a fiver or less), no job (have my own business but not enough to pay myself), no prospects.
We're only 'happy' if I don't complain and smile and cook dinner etc - basically be a 50's housewife. I look in the mirror and I'm often surprised that I don't see who I thought I was anymore - an independent, sexy, clubbing, dancing, funny bitch. Instead I sigh and see an annoying face who shakes her head and looks back at me with an expression that says 'I'll deal with it later'.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Won't let me see bank statements, as they're 'his'...
Takebackcontrol · 10/05/2014 15:23
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