Advice needed please

[wewillmendit]

I could really do with some mn wisdom please.
I've been with dh for almost 18 yrs. We have a 9 yr old dd.
Things have been going downhill for a while now.
He is really easily riled, an example, yesterday I was meeting dh,dd and mil for tea after work. Was running few minutes late and texted dh to let him know. When I arrived dh was really annoyed and I could see him from my car he was clearly being vocal with his annoyance.

Throughout the meal he didn't talk to me once. In fact he didn't talk to me until I brought it up about 10 pm last night after I had worked for another 2 hours.

I'm not in love with him, half the time I don't particularly like him even.

I know I can't carry on like this. But he idolises dd, and she does him. They have a lovely relationship and I don't know if I can bring myself to take the step that will mean that so much will change.

The other thing is he can be quite controlling and sometimes a bit short tempered. Dd can be challenging and he thinks his way is best

All thoughts welcome. Thanks.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

He sounds like a bully, sorry. 'Easily riled' clearly means he's got a filthy temper and uses it to intimidate you. 'Vocal' (ranting?) just because you're a few minutes late? Sulking is appalling behaviour... also designed to intimidate. I'm not surprised you don't like him.

Of course you should split from him. Not least for the sake of your DD who is watching this behaviour in action and learning from it that this is what a loving adult relationship looks like. It's no wonder she is exhibiting 'challenging' behaviour when this is how the person she idolises behaves. 'Monkey see, monkey do'. Imagine if she embarks on dating one day and comes home with a nasty bully just like Dear Old Dad - or worse, treats her eventual partner the way he treats you. A split wouldn't mean she'd never see him again. Shared parenting is normal.

Have you taken any steps towards a split yet? Seen a solicitor or gathered other information?

[wewillmendit]

Haven't made plans as such. I have purposely put off booking a holiday in case I need the money for house deposit etc.
I am aware of the impact on dd. Is it better to upset her now as opposed to her having a happier mum? And I guess dh will be happier when he isn't with someone who will never be good enough

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What Cogito also wrote in its entirety.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is keeping you within this; fear of the unknown post separation?. I would state feel the fear and do it anyway.

Do you want your now nine year old to think as an adult that this abusive and dysfunctional relationship is how adults actually relate to each other?. This mess of a relationship is fast becoming her "norm". She could all too easily end up with someone who is just as controlling as her dad is. She is currently being taught some very damaging lessons by both of you, you are showing her that yes, this is how women are treated in relationships and that currently it is acceptable to you. He is showing her that the man has all the power and control and sees their woman as a mere possession to use and abuse as he sees fit.

I daresay as well that she does not so much idolise him as much as fear him on some innate level that she cannot express. She sees all too clearly how you are treated and perhaps is learning how to follow his lead.

So of course you should split and asap to boot. Seek legal advice as well to establish properly your own financial position.

[neiljames77]

Agree with everything above. It might also show your daughter that people shouldn't accept stuff like this. You'll be setting a good example for her by leaving him/kicking him out.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"Is it better to upset her now as opposed to her having a happier mum?"

Any upset she experiences is entirely down to the way you and your STBX behave towards each other both in the marriage and after the marriage. The number of locations you all live at is less relevant than the behaviour and atmosphere she experiences.

I agree with a PP that often children of bullying/controlling/abusive parents can appear to be especially close to them ... adoring them even.... when in reality it can be simply be that they are trying to get on their right side for fear of getting the same treatment they see dished out to others. If her behaviour is 'challenging' for example, she may think that is the best way to curry favour.

[wewillmendit]

Dd has always been challenging in many ways, and the school and GP are finally listening to me re her behaviour. It is one thing that, although dh and I disagree on the management of it, we are consistent in the management strategies I have put in place.
That said, I do realise that some of her behaviour may stem from wanting to please him/stay on the right side of him.

Of course I don't want her to learn that it is acceptable to be badly treated. And yes,it is the post split time that is overwhelming, it all is.

What a mess. Writing it down and reading other people's opinions make it real.

And I have to admit cogito, seeing STBX didn't upset me, I know it's the right thing.

[wewillmendit]

Just a thought, if part of why I am planning to separate is the effect of h on dd, and presumably he will go on to have other relationships, how do I manage the ongoing effect of how h is on dd?
I have been trying to account for different scenarios, and part of me can't help thinking is it better to stay in the marriage so that I can minimise the effects on dd, iyswim?

[wewillmendit]

Pressed send too soon.
But then just now he has cleaned both cars, I thanked him for doing mine and he was snidy about it, in front of dd.
I have always been so careful of dd's feelings as I don't want her to be affected by things.
Sorry for rambling, just trying to get things straight in my head.

[andream34]

Dear WWMI,

If you don't love him any more then split would appear to be the only option; marriage counselling would only help if there is the possibility of fixing something that can be repaired.

I guess you need to put a plan in place for this split that will cause the least amount of pain for all concerned - especially you, but also your DD because otherwise if she idolises him already then she could take his side and you surely don't want this.

When I read your latest post about the car wash incident it re-enforces the bully comment from Cogito. I was married to a bully, X criticised and found fault with everything I did, never thanked me for anything I did, I worked full time and commuted a lot and never got any empathy even though X used to do same before working locally once we had moved, and so on.

Good luck!

[wewillmendit]

So, it's a few weeks since I started this thread, and things have gone from improving to being worse than ever.

We had a huge row this afternoon, and was not nice to dd also. He didn't speak to me until I was going to bed. He tried to say that I always twist things around.
I have told him that I haven't been happy for a long time and am sick of being miserable all the time.
His response to this was to go and make a drink!

I don't even have the energy to be mad or upset. It is over. I am going to tell him tomorrow that he needs to leave.
Please help me to stay strong, I cannot allow for him to influence our lives anymore.

[wewillmendit]

I am going to tell him tonight. He has been texting today and I'm worried. In one message he said he loves me, then when I responded that he doesn't show it, his answer was nasty, saying what did I expect as I'm overweight.
I'm nervous about telling him, I really want to keep it as amicable as possible for dd.

[kalidanger]

Hi OP.

I think you're doing the right thing and I hope it went as well as could be expected

[Finola1step]

Hope you're ok OP.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I'm afraid that expecting this to be amicable is a vain hope. He's not amicable already - he's downright nasty - and if you try to pacify him, he'll see it as weakness and things will get worse. So you have to anticipate more of the same, plan accordingly and, rather than engaging with him directly (and giving him the opportunity to be aggressive) , get some big guns on your side that he can't intimidate.

Also anticipate that he's not going to leave without a fight. He doesn't take you seriously as it is and he thinks lip-service messages of 'love' (followed by scathing you for being fat... ) will keep the wheels on the cart.

I'd suggest you contact the police non-emergency number 101 and ask for their DV unit. Explain that you're about to tell him to leave, that it might get nasty and then they will be more easily able to help if it gets out of hand. He may never have been actually violent before but I think you have to cover all the bases. Good luck

[kaykayblue]

I strongly agree with Cogito.

Your husband sounds like a vile piece of shit. How can one person say I love you in one breath, then insult you with the next?

He sounds hideous. You AND your child will be well shot of him.

[Cardinal]

Are you ok OP?

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Hope things were okay last night, how are you today?

You can't help worrying about the impact divorce will have on DD but imo your H is your biggest headache, he doesn't sound the sort who will readily negotiate or compromise. However if you have now broached the subject of separation he may be relieved and co-operate to speed things along, just don't take his word for it if he makes promises subject to 'saving money by quickie divorce without involving solicitors'.

Once you get the ball rolling it might help the atmosphere.

[Lovingfreedom]

If it's any comfort,OP, couple of friends and myself all ended our marriages recently. All have kids. All agree that it was a positive step for all of us, including the children. Separation doesn't have to have the devastating effect that people say it has.

[DoingItForMyself]

Hope you're ok today and that you were able to see it through last night and make steps towards separation.


Fwiw, my ex was very much like yours, always miserable, controlling and criticising. Once we split he seemed much happier, I'm much happier, the DCs get to spend some quality time with him where he actually takes care of them rather than hiding away in the office or garage as he did when he lived here. Yes there are a few logistical issues about the DCs having the right things in the right places when they are visiting him, but emotionally it has really benefitted all of us.

I do hope you find the same thing, a life of trying to minimise the effects of his behaviour on dd sounds awful. Seeing that his behaviour won't be tolerated will help both him and dd to form some boundaries about the way he treats her. You can build up her confidence and without directly slating him, let her know that she doesn't have to put up with being bullied by anyone by showing her that when someone acts like that you have every right to walk away.

[wewillmendit]

We talked last night, I told him it is the end if things and he acted as though he couldn't believe it
I asked him what he liked about me, his response was that he likes us as a family. When I pushed he couldn't give one thing that he actually likes about being married to me.
I bought up about the lack of affection, he said that he doesn't feel like being affectionate when I don't do as he asks. But he cannot see that is unreasonable and cruel.

So, he has started to be nice and is currently out for the evening. But that is ok, it gives me time to plan properly and take legal advice.
I had a wobble today but am ok and focusing on how positive it will be for dd not to live in an environment like this.

Thanks for all your replies, and yes cogito, I will contact dv unit if needed. Thank you.

[wewillmendit]

You are right cogito, he won't go without a fight. I came home yesterday and he has started stripping wallpaper! He is clearly saying that the house is his. It is in his name, I am not on the deeds.
He still does not see that he is in the wrong, so I'm not going to give that any more energy. I don't want to argue about things anymore.

I can afford to rent, it's just that dd won't have the current group of friends on hand she currently has. She loves this house, always says it is her forever home. But I know that if dd and I stay here, he will still exert his control as he sees the house as his.

Sorry, know I am waffling. I am staying strong, just wonder what other views are re the house?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Please get legal advice sooner rather than later. Whether you're on the deeds or not it counts as a marital asset and - however much wallpaper he replaces - it's just as much yours as his. If this was an amicable/ordinary kind of split a lawyer would advise you not to leave the family home and, depending on affordability, you might be able to negotiate some way you could stay there with DD and sell up at a later date. So when you talk to a solicitor please make sure you mention the aggressive stuff... it may not change the rules but it will change the advice.

[wewillmendit]

Thanks for staying with me through this cogito. I have a solicitors appt for next week. I was going to talk to h again this weekend, but maybe I ought to keep the peace for now.