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Boyfriend dumped me out of the blue

(12 Posts)
Roseflowers Sat 10-May-14 14:12:29

Basically, what the thread title says. I've been with him for about 6 months now. He's always been very affectionate, very keen, thoughful and supportive, and constantly wanted me around. We work together and I spend most of my time at his place (a lot of the time at his insistence!). We have a genuinely great time together and he's always ridiculously physically affectionate. The only thing that's been off recently is our sex life. For the past month we've had sex 3 times, not brilliant by anyone's standard. I was worried, but he told me it was due to having so much work to do for university. Hah!

I was suspicious of a girl he was friends with from back home (he's Polish) and the amount they were chatting on facebook, so when he popped out the other night I shamefully gave in to my suspicions and looked through his facebook messages. Along with days and days worth of conversations there were a couple of pictures of her in her underwear :/ This is now the third relationship I've had where my partner has cheated on me. Three out of 5, not a brilliant statistic really, is it?

Anyway, we had it out and it eventually came out that he wasn't sure if he thought of me as a friend or girlfriend, and hadn't been for about a month or so. Other than the sex I honestly can't see how anything changed. He'd cuddle me every night before sleep, and I'd always be woken up by him putting his arms around me. He was so physically affectionate, even at work, that people would often take the piss and tell us to get a room (even up til a few days ago!) The day we broke up when I came over to his he opened the door to me with a massive smile, and immediately drew me in for a kiss, later in the day he came up to me and started kissing me and telling me how much he liked me. Apologies for the essay, I'm just finding it very hard to rationalize and was wondering if anyone else has had similar experiences? Things stopped with the other girl from Poland about a week ago, he told her he didn't want anything with her. Apologies for the essay!

GarlicMayHaveNamechanged Sat 10-May-14 14:18:01

Oh, poor you sad

Yes, I've had this experience more than once! Some people are just crap at endings. He obviously does like you a lot, and feels comfortable around you - but you're not "it" for him. At least he didn't keep you hanging around as his fall-back girl, which tends to leave you in a state of unresolved doubt for ages.

It doesn't mean there's anything 'wrong' with you! Just that each individual has their own inner thoughts & plans, and his preferred path involves something different from yours. Give yourself plenty of treats this weekend, and line up some friends to wail with flowers

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 10-May-14 15:10:32

He's an arsehole. If you want and need to be in a relationship with an arsehole, find another one. God knows, there are plenty about.

Maisie0 Sat 10-May-14 15:23:16

Guys when they are young, they do this. Before my ex, I also had a guy who was a mature student and he had gazillion girlfriends around him all of the time. When I took a liking to him and started to see him, he got more and more egotistic ? Then he went and danced with gazillion girls in front of me, and so forth, and so forth. It obviously ended in tears, and I was the baddie, cos the other girl was more herself, so I was there before she did, and it was so bad.

If a guy cannot let go of their past, then do not be there for him. He needs to know and to learn to let go of his own past. It is a discipline thing. Just say to him to end this now, because he has had his chances, and he hasn't entirely let go of the difference between "wish list" to the "real person in front of me".

Maisie0 Sat 10-May-14 15:40:22

Sorry, I will clarify, "some guys I met were" like this... It is definitely not you. He should have been honest and upfront about things.

Never mind. There are lots more men out there. This one was just Not That Into You.

isshoes Sat 10-May-14 19:21:23

Poor you sad sometimes you can tie yourself in knots over trying to work out what happened, and why, and what was he thinking, why did he do that etc...it's probably part of processing a break up, but after a few weeks you will feel a million times better and it will be onwards and upwards! It is sometimes more useful to be angry rather than sad, and you should be in this case - he messed you around and kept his options open.

MadBusLady Sat 10-May-14 20:21:27

Was this really out of the blue though? You've not been together long, you don't live together, you don't mention that any verbal commitments were made and sex was tailing off. At that point all bets are off, however physically affectionate he is.

The out of the blue bit is that rather than doing the mature thing and ending it he went dicking about with someone else behind your back. Ie the only inexplicable part of the whole thing is fully explained by the fact that he's a knob.

MadBusLady Sat 10-May-14 20:25:00

Another thing, you'll probably want to avoid being physically all over someone in a workplace in future. Do you still have to work with him?

Roseflowers Sat 10-May-14 20:37:42

Well yeah, out of the blue because he was still always keen to see me, still messaging me every morning, still being incredibly kissy and huggy. I basically did live at his as that was what he wanted (he wanted to make his bedroom 'ours') and we were definitely in a committed relationship, ha the chat about four months ago! He had some insecurities about sex to be honest, and I thought that part of the lack of action in the bedroom was due to that. I was going to bring it up after the pressure from uni was off next week.

We went out for the day a few weeks ago and he was doing daft romantic stuff like carving our names into a tree and picking me flowers to put in my hair and taking couply pictures. He spent ten mins in the gift shop trying to find a little romantic token to surprise me with. Three days earlier he was complimenting a girl on her ass on Facebook....are there men out there that don't flipping cheat? They seem rather thin on the ground at the moment...

Thanks for the support ladies xx

Roseflowers Sat 10-May-14 20:38:21

And yeah, we still have to work together. Bloody awkward it is.

isshoes Sat 10-May-14 21:54:48

I think six months is a tricky time - people will say, as one poster already had 'you weren't together that long', and in the big scheme of things, you weren't. But at the six month stage you can be in love, excited about how things are going, and starting to think about the future. But with no commitment, it can, as it has, just end 'out of the blue'. This can be very hurtful, even if it wasn't a 'long-term' relationship. So whilst I do think you shouldn't dwell on this for too long, I wouldn't try to take away from how painful it can be. Actually I think a more appropriate term is 'disappointing'. thanks

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