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Will I spoil this relationship??

(18 Posts)
Santaclaws Sat 10-May-14 12:17:00

Backstory is I had a four year relationship in which my partner was a bully and emotionally abusive. I was constantly told things were my fault and I was the cause of all our problems, in the end I didn't know if I was coming or going

That ended about 9 months ago and I've met someone online 3 months ago whose lovely so far anyway ( some of you probably already know my story). Thing is I struggle at times with thinking I'm a nightmare to be with and that I will ruin the relationship. There have been a couple of very minor things in the last couple of weeks that I have spoken out about. For example last night after we'd had sex and were cuddling he told me he was leaving early morning to go to the gym, I felt a bit put out A) because his timing was bad to tell me B) because I'd hoped he would stay a bit longer since I don't start work till later. He noticed I was a bit off with him and I tried to explain why and he seemed understanding and text his friend to say he would go later.

However it's the fact he told me I was sensitive and he needs to watch what he says a bit that scared me. I don't want to be a nightmare girlfriend. I had that drummed into me so much in my last relationship that I was this and that. Or maybe I had a point in feeling as I did. Anyway I hate having this fear that if I speak out I will spoil things

littlegreenlight1 Sat 10-May-14 12:24:25

Yes you will!!
Chill. There is no reason he couldnt go to the gym early, you had no arrangements together, he wasnt spoiling anything, just doing a normal thing.
Just chill and find your own things to do.....
I understand where youre coming from actually, my ex was all the above things too and in the relationship Im in now, I found it hard to adjust to someone who did their own thing instead of controlling me - we spend ample time apart and its really really good. Last night a friend of mine asked if we wanted to spend the eve with her and her bf and rather than do so, the boys had a night in and the girls had a night in - separate houses, it was really good!!
You should speak out of course but think about what happened last night? It is not a big deal smile
Good luck!!

Santaclaws Sat 10-May-14 12:30:49

Oh god so I should never have said anything about him going early to the gym, I'm worrying now that he will think about things today and be put off me.

littlegreenlight1 Sat 10-May-14 12:50:17

Ok sorry I didnt mean to make you panic!
Dont worry, its not the end of the world. I really do see me a couple of years ago in you, I was the same but it was all down to exes being so awful. Theres a thread on here about partner making woman feel shit for going out, I had all that, he kept tabs on me etc, then a controlling arse hole one who made me feel like I was mad and everything was my fault so it takes time to adjust to someone "normal"! and bad habits have to be unlearnt.
I help myself but keeping myself busy with friends and hobbies etc, that way I am never put out if he (quite rightly) makes other plans.
Youll be fine smile

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 10-May-14 13:30:51

What I think is that you can't go through life adjusting your behaviour on the basis of 'will someone else still like me if I do/say this?' You have to be your own person and pin your colours to your mast. If that means you are sensitive and someone has to watch what they say to you.... that's who you are and you should not be ashamed of that. If they walk away from you, they're not right for you. If they try to change you, they're not right for you.

Try to please others and you'll not only get no thanks, you'll attract contempt. Always be true to yourself and others will respect that.

gamerchick Sat 10-May-14 13:33:59

I don't think the problem is you speaking out.. it was the being off with him so he had to drag it out of you which was the problem.. that sort of thing drives me nuts as you feel you have to walk on eggshells sometimes.

If you want him to stay longer then just say so.

OP please don't take this the wrong way, but do you think you are ready to be in a relationship? Especially after coming out of an abusive one?

I think maybe you need to get clear in your own head what you do and don't want. If him leaving early to go to the gym (and telling you just after you had sex) makes you feel a bit like a booty call, it is ok to feel that way. If may not be what he intended, but you having those feelings are perfectly valid.

It's how you react, and what you do with those feelings that make a difference.

GarlicMayHaveNamechanged Sat 10-May-14 15:01:34

You can't go through life adjusting your behaviour on the basis of 'will someone else still like me if I do/say this?'

This, in spades. (Sorry, Cog, I seem to be your uninvited echo just lately!)

Him: I've got to leave early.
You: Oh, I'm disappointed.

No issue!

Perhaps your ex made you scared to say how you really feel - I know mine did, to the point I wasn't even sure how I felt. So practise, practise, practise smile

If anyone reacts to YOUR statement of YOUR honest feelings by implying they feel controlled, it's a bit of a pink flag. Wait and see whether he means "I see you're vulnerable, I will take extra care of your feelings", or if it's more a matter of requiring that your feelings be convenient to him.

Please, Santa, DON'T stop saying how you feel! It's healthy.

itiswhatitiswhatitis Sat 10-May-14 15:14:35

Gamer is right you should have told him you were hoping he would stay longer as soon as he said something, being off and sulky with someone is infuriating. Nothing wrong with being open and honest about how you feel.

Santaclaws Sat 10-May-14 21:41:18

Thanks for your replies

gamerchick when I thought about it afterwards I did think to myself I should've just said I would have like him to stay longer not rush off. Before my ex I would've done but im wary now

garlic when he said I'm sensitive and he needs to watch what he says I think he meant he doesn't want to upset me, because he said I've upset you a couple of times now and I don't want to he wants to make me happy. At first though I took it to be a criticism of me because that's what I used to get from my ex

I NEVER was a sulker quite the opposite in fact, my ex used to use that as a means of control. I was scared to say anything to him and I think I'm having to unlearn that

gamerchick Sat 10-May-14 22:08:35

Ah but the good thing is though you're recognising things straight away as not quite right, rather than it being ingrained so you don't see any problems at all.

When you can step back and look at yourself as you are doing.. it doesn't mean that you'll have your ex tacked onto your back forever, that's pretty good.

Keep talking to your bloke.. it does sound as though you have a rather decent line of communication with him and that is good in a new relationship.

GarlicMayHaveNamechanged Sat 10-May-14 22:10:20

Yep, what Gamer said smile

littlegreengloworm Sat 10-May-14 22:14:13

Could you say what you feel op but in a lighthearted way.

Him- I'm going to the gym early
You- ahh... Come on, I thought I was going to get extra hugs in the morning since you've a late start

(I wish I could be more light hearted)

FloraSpreadableMacDonald Sat 10-May-14 22:29:23

Santa....I know your story and I agree with the others. I was in a similar position to you with my ex and Ive bowed I will now be myself and say what I feel. I think you still lack some confidence and hipefully your guy can build your self esteem. I think he really likes you...relax and enjoy x

Santaclaws Sat 10-May-14 22:31:01

littlegreen yeh I know what you mean and after I'd gone a bit quiet and offish I realised I should've just said " oh I'd love it if you could stay longer" but it seemed to be my default reaction to immediately go quiet and a bit huffy now as I'm scared of just saying it out loud. I suppose I will just have to practise and try to get back to how I used to be.

It's like tonight I have come in from work and he has been out with a mate for a drink and I'm not liking it. I text him as I normally do when I get home and he has text back but I hate feeling possessive and anxious. I really don't think I have reason with him but it is a little ingrained in me from the ex.

Santaclaws Sat 10-May-14 22:32:40

Thanks flora how you doing? I haven't been on the other thread in a while it all moves so fast although I do have a quick skim now and then to see how people are

FloraSpreadableMacDonald Sat 10-May-14 22:51:52

Hi Santa...Im fine. Im seeing Number 4 again after a short break (my doing as unsure due to his tragic circumstances). But all is good...just enjoying the moment and see how it goes x

Santaclaws Sat 10-May-14 22:54:52

Well hope all goes well for you smile
Can you imagine what they'd think if they could see the state we get into and the stuff we share on here grin

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