Tired but need a way forward

[upwaytoolate]

Tonight after an awful week at work (not subject of this thread :)), my partner was late home (planned) and I unfortunately locked him out. He is extremely angry and I totally accept responsibility. It was a mistake on my part. The issue for me is his anger. Over an hour later, he has gone to bed in a different room (to make a point?) while I am up, in tears, partly because it has been a very difficult week, partly because I am upset by anger, and partly because I now fear what tomorrow will bring.

I would welcome your thoughts please, because I think I am no longer able to understand what is "normal". If it were me, I would be mildly pissed off that I had been inconvenienced, but certainly not angry and hostile. So as not to drip feed, his anger on a range of issues is a concern (to me - not to him) so I may be over-reacting to this instance.

[LegoCaltrops]

How long was he locked out? 3 minutes while you found the keys - he's being an arse. 2 hours - I can see why he's upset, but the idea of going to bed in a different room is beyond me, how on earth can he sleep if he's that upset?

[upwaytoolate]

hi - thank you for replying. I don't feel so alone! 15 minutes, which is annoying if you are outside. He is making a point I think by sleeping in another room and is very angry. I am feeling guilty (I don't lock people out as a deliberate act!) but I am really wondering if I should be living with someone like this.

[PassAFist]

How long was he out for, and what was the weather doing during that time? If I was locked out for an hour or so in pouring rain I might be fairly vocal once DH let me in.

Why do you fear what tomorrow will bring?

[upwaytoolate]

on the subject of his anger, this is something which has been a concern to me for a while (but not to him). My view is that anger is damaging, his perspective is that his anger is justified so is therefore reasonable.

[upwaytoolate]

the weather was fine. tomorrow will certainly bring angry recriminations at least. possibly he may not speak to me in any "normal" way until Sunday. He will ensure that I feel guilty - and I would reiterate that I already am apologetic - it is not normal to lock him out, but I was distracted due to rubbish at work, and then sorting out children.

[upwaytoolate]

I should add, I have no fear at all of physical violence. I have never experienced that with him, and do not expect it now. In these situations he tends to make me feel diminished and small. One of my children (not his) starts AS exams on Monday, so I will not be rocking the boat. I just don't think this is normal behaviour, but would welcome other views

[PassAFist]

Hmmm, 15 minutes does seem to be quite a long time to be locked out when you were inside the house.

Still, he should have said his bit and then got over it, not keep it going over the course of days like that.

I am rubbish on the relationships threads! I didn't want you to think that you were on your own but hopefully someone more useful will be along soon.

[upwaytoolate]

Thank you ! I appreciate the thoughts and it is really helpful. I agree that 15 minutes is not ok and have apologised to him for that. the problem is the rest of the weekend. If he had done this then I would have been grumpy for 10 minutes, and then gone to bed. No anger, no sleeping elsewhere, just mildly cross for a bit. His anger is a problem for all of us. I will try and go to bed and see what tomorrow brings. have to get up at 7 so it is not ideal

Thanks for posting :)

[BluebellTuesday]

I locked my sister out once, I can't remember why she was coming but I knew she was coming and I fell asleep with DC. She was throwing stones at the window for some while and slightly worried the neighbours would call the police. We actually had a bit of a laugh about it, she was not annoyed.

I think the broader issue is that this will ruin the weekend, rather than it just being a discussion about why it happened, why you were distracted and how he felt at the time, and how you could avoid it happening again. On a scale of bad things to do, it is not really up there. You clearly see this as an ongoing issue, so the question is how to resolve it. His position is not really tenable. Of course he can ne annoyed about stuff, but there are reasonable, adult ways of dealing with and expressing annoyance in a constructive manner which helps you to see other points of view.

[wallaby73]

Ok, it was a mistake, these things happen, you've apologised....you say you've lost sight of "normal", what is normal is that is the end of it. What is utterly abnormal is his behaviour; making you feel small and dimished? That is abusive, no question. Please please love do not keep apologising; that further diminishes you, and he sees he has more power. Also your kids learn that the dynamic is normal.....you placating and him bullying. That is what they see and will replicate in adulthood. The "normal" response, if he continues to bully you today, is to say just once, clearly, that you've already apologised, you will not allow him to bully you over it and ruin the weekend for everyone, if he can't behave decently he should stay out of your way until he can, and you expect an apology. Then detach detach, bright and breezy.......that is how to diminish his power. If you fear him or his potential actions, then you have a whole different situation here and i would suggest reading women's aid's website at the very least to give yourself some knowledge of what his behaviour really is xx

[BluebellTuesday]

Excellent suggestion for how to handle it today and going forwards, wallaby

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

'It was 15 minutes, I've said I'm sorry, now get over it'.... .is all you should say. Any attempts on his part to ramp this up into something bigger would make him unreasonable. Ignore any such attempts or tell him to go cool off somewhere else.

[RandomMess]

What the others say. He is being a complete ARSE.

DH has locked me out before, took ages to wake him up. Certainly wasn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things!!!

Being cross/grumpy last night I can understand but sleeping elsewhere and carrying on the next day - OMG completely and utterly unacceptable.

[Finola1step]

Blimey. Yet another woman who will be walking on egg shells this weekend because her not so dp/dh is such a controlling arse that some minor mistake is blown way out if proportion. It's frightening that so many women find themselves in this position.

This is nothing to do with a locked door. This is because you didn't do what he wanted you to do at the very second he wanted it to happen. Thus you must be punished.

OP remove yourself from the situation today and let him stew in his own juices. You've apologised, no need to say anything more. Concentrate on your dc and supporting through the exams.

Time to think of the long term though.

[LegoCaltrops]

How are you today OP? How was he yesterday, speaking to you yet?

[SteadyEddie]

DH 'locks' me out quite often by mistake. One day a week I go to uni and come back really late. DH always goes to be as he has to be up super early and always leaves the keys in the door. Its what we do every other night.

People make mistakes. Its annoying but I wouldnt get so upset about it. It sounds like he has other issues.

[halfwildlingwoman]

I got locked out last night because I forgot my keys. DH was knackered and asleep. It was midnight. I tried to get in round the back, knocked quietly, tried his mobile, which was off, ended up calling the landline. Poor man ran down the stairs in a panic, could have broken his neck. I apologised profusely, it was all my fault. He said "It's fine, honey." Went back to bed and to sleep.
I don't think he is an especially calm, patient man, but that's how these things should go down.

[thatsnotmynamereally]

upway I can totally relate to your situation and your saying that you no longer understand what is normal. No, his reaction was not normal, from your post you accept that it was a mistake. He sounds like an abusive man who will look for any little transgression on your part to have a go at you, and something that you really did (as opposed to something that just annoys him generally) gives him the right in his mind to go into full scale abuse mode. I hope today goes ok- can you challenge him or has it become habit?

[heyday]

It sounds as if there are lots of problems in the relationship and every little thing then becomes a tipping point for anger and frustration. Sadly, as soon as we appear to accept this sort of behaviour (often keeping quiet to keep the peace) then the behaviour escalates because he thinks it's all ok and he can get away with it. How to change the cycle is not easy. Some people have more anger issues than others and they have to work very hard to keep a lid on it. Sounds like your partner is one of these. It could also be that he is really unhappy and every little thing is setting him off. It's time to put the kids to bed and talk to him, find out what is going on, tell him how you are feeling and how you can both find a way forward, either together or separately.

[upwaytoolate]

Hi everyone! I started this thread years ago. Just wanted to say thank you to people who supported me. My partner was very angry much of the time. He is now my ex partner, I am pleased to say. I have had two years of counselling and am feeling hugely better

[hellsbellsmelons]

Good update OP.
Life is too short to be with someone like that.
Onwards and upwards for you now.

[upwaytoolate]

Thank you so much. It has been hard work, but life is peaceful now. And the DC who was just about to do AS levels when I started this thread has just got his degree a few weeks ago. It was great to get the support, and to realise that this was just not at all normal.
A lovely weekend to you, I hope xx