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DH and I at loggerheads over " details"

(148 Posts)
Primadonnagirl Fri 09-May-14 21:23:55

DH is v laid back and To a degree so am I . But there are certain things in life ,as an adult, you just need to deal with. This is a classic example
Him : DSD is coming for the weekend
Me : Lovely, what are her plans?
Him : Dunno
Me: Just her or boyfriend as well?
Him: Dunno..
Me: Well can you find out so I know whether to set up double bed etc.
Him: Maybe

Repeat a dozen times with me constantly asking only so I know how many people I'm feeding etc.He gets irritated by me being " controlling and obsessing about the detail". All of which is I suppose just a difference of approach ..until the killer moment where he looks at me and says " what are you doing for lunch etc..or Do we have any beer? " suddenly expecting me to instantly provide for a number of people I didn't expect. It drives me up the fucking wall...an intelligent man with a v responsible job cannot understand that he needs to actually say out loud the stuff he knows in order for me to know it too...but no, I'm the one that's the control freak!!

Tonight it's all come to a head..he was supposed to book a table for a family Sunday lunch..I knew it but didn't badger him because he warned me not to be controlling about it..so I left it .. And suprise suprise we can't get in anywhere...

Feel better now!

The only way to deal with this sort of thing is to back off and make it clear to anyone who is hurt/disappointed that it is his fault.

Because if he is responsible for staff or whatever in the workplace and has not been sacked for incompetence, he is capable of delegating and passing on information. He is choosing, for some reason, to wrongfoot you all the time. Either he is invested in the idea of making you look stupid in front of family and friends, or he is punishing you for not being an instantly obedient, subordinate wife who anticipates his every whim.

What's he like otherwise? Do you feel that he respects you, admires you, is kind to you?

Fairylea Fri 09-May-14 21:32:04

Okay so who was going to Sunday lunch? Get him to ring them and explain and say he left it too late to book anywhere. Flatly refuse to play any part in anything that has fallen on his shoulders. No food for everyone because he has screwed up? He has to tell everyone. You stay out of the way and provide the food you had assumed you would have instead. Honestly the only way he will learn is if he has to deal with the consequences of being so badly organised.

Primadonnagirl Fri 09-May-14 21:32:44

Oh yes he's lovely, he just likes to think of himself as a laid back cool person..with a magically fully stocked fridge etc.. I f it was just me and him I would think sometimes "Fuck it" if you can't sort yourself out tough..but you can't really say that to kids and their partners can you when they turn up expecting to be fed can you? NB it s not just about food it's about all hose jobs you need to do when you have visitors

Catsmamma Fri 09-May-14 21:34:32

see...i'd have asked once, and then made up the double bed regardless, one or two, no matter. ( you win)

he has accused you of being controlling, missed the lunch booking, and somehow it's now your fault cos you fussed or didn't fuss. (you lose....and big stylee)

Choose your battles!

And make a fuck off fabulous meal and point out how much nicer it is than going out. (you win the war here!!)

Primadonnagirl Fri 09-May-14 21:34:46

Fairylea..I get what you are saying but I would be mortified not having things in for guests..

Primadonnagirl Fri 09-May-14 21:37:48

The lunch was for 8 ..we live in a small flat no way I can cook a proper Sunday lunch ( which it has to be according to his mum) for 8! But I have just shrugged and said "ooh, what are you going to do?!"

LemonBreeland Fri 09-May-14 21:44:54

Will the lunch thing make any difference to him? Has he fucked up before and had to sort it? Or do you usually step in?

Msybe this may make him think! I wouldn't be mortified at not having things in for guests. I would just say that I was sorry to not be able to cater for them since I wasn't aware they were coming/when they were coming. You need to just stop and let the shit hit the fan.

MajesticWhine Fri 09-May-14 21:45:09

You do sound a bit controlling to be honest.

Primadonnagirl Fri 09-May-14 21:48:18

Majestic .. Really??What would you do?! Just wait till people possibly turned up and then rummage round for something to make a meal and hope you had clean bedding?And if you didn't just say " Tough it's his fault"

vrtra Fri 09-May-14 21:48:21

I don't think it's controlling to expect an adult to do what they say they are going to do. Or if they make plans, to follow up on them!

SarcyMare Fri 09-May-14 21:48:28

I agree always just make up a double bed, honestly not much different, and just shop for 2 guests then you have enough food, and some spare to freeze if it isn't needed.
Re the meal, don't make a fuss at all, when the guests turn up, turn to him and ask, "so what have you sorted darling?" And leave it to him to stew.

Charlie01234 Fri 09-May-14 21:49:01

In what way does she sound controlling?

StandsOnGoldenSands Fri 09-May-14 21:52:39

Sounds like you have a really busy schedule out of the house all weekend. Oh dear what a shame, I'm sure he'll cope with his guests ..... Right?

MajesticWhine Fri 09-May-14 21:53:44

The bit that sounds controlling is "repeat a dozen times with me constantly asking".
If he doesn't know the answer, why keep asking?

SmallBee Fri 09-May-14 21:55:14

Prima i know exactly what you mean! I have had to use your approach of backing off & leaving him to it a few times over the years & it almost always means it goes tits up/ plans don't get made.
It is exhausting being the one to plan and organise everything all the time & I think the only way to deal with it is to organise the stuff you're looking forward to & take a step back and try not to worry about the rest.
Also wine, wine helps.

Primadonnagirl Fri 09-May-14 21:59:07

Thanks Smallbee. I have decided to do as much as I feel comfortable with but leave the rest to him Majestic I asked a dozen times ( figure of speech) because it's not that he didn't know it's that he can't be bothered to find out cos in his mind it's all " details" ...he doesn't get that I'm asking because I want his daughter and her boyfriend to feel welcome! That's not so bad is it?!

rootypig Fri 09-May-14 22:02:25

Well I live with this and it's shite, because it's not just him that'll live with the consequences, it's you. In fact probably more so you because you'll be the one scrambling to get things ready / left to cook the lunch. No advice but you're calmer than I am.

NoEgowoman Fri 09-May-14 22:07:25

I know how you feel. It's almost as if once they get home they think everything is your responsibility and that planning is something you do at work but not at home. There is then assumption as a woman you will magic something up and if you don't it's your fault and you have failed in your housewifely duties ( despite having worked a full time job yourself all week). Grr!

OneDayWhenIGrowUp Fri 09-May-14 22:08:19

Agree- let him deal with the consequences of his actions (or lack thereof) and let him explain to his daughter why there isn't a bed made up or food in the fridge or table booked etc. Is there any particular reason he can't prepare for his daughter's visit himself?

"Do we have any beer?"
"I don't know dear, did you buy any/put it on the shopping order?" etc

MajesticWhine Fri 09-May-14 22:09:38

It is annoying, but if you do all the worrying about the consequences, then he will continue to not worry. So I think let him deal with it. Why is it so bad to not be prepared? It's not your fault. Just explain, sorry we don't have anything in for dinner, I didn't know you were coming. Alternatively, could you not call your DSD and get the details from her?

sooperdooper Fri 09-May-14 22:10:47

I'd have asked once about the bed, and then said, 'ok once you know can you make up the bed'

For lunch, take a step back, let him deal with the fact he's not sorted that one particular place - can't he find an alternative?

rootypig Fri 09-May-14 22:12:57

Well it's pretty bloody cheeky of him to expect you to take charge and then accuse you of being controlling

Agree with a bit of light sabotage of the things he holds dear. A particular food he enjoys you forget to get in. Forget to tell him you're going out on the lash five days a week with your mutual friends and he's to stay in with the dog. That sort of thing. As so often in life, the answer is to get on with your own thing. The problem in a relationship is, no relationship can truly survive that. So he forces you to choose: nag or miss Sunday lunch. Hold it together or lose the lot.

Not fair really.

VeryStressedMum Fri 09-May-14 22:14:52

He behaves like that because whatever he doesn't do he knows you'll sort it out...no lunch reservation made? What does he really care he knows you'll not sit there and let everyone starve.
So the answer would be to sit there and let everyone starve, but even I couldn't do that to guests. Your marital problems aren't their fault.
Though tbh my dh would be useless like that so I wouldn't even bother to ask him I'd just call the dsd myself, or make the reservations myself.

FunkyBoldRibena Fri 09-May-14 22:15:31

You can't have it both ways. Either back off and leave him to it and don't be shy of saying 'Oh, I wasn't told what was happening so I left it to your dad/DH' and just let them get on with it or find another way to work around it [prepare for every eventually or ask other people what is going on].

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