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should i just accept....

(30 Posts)

That my dh is not one for affection.
how important is attraction and affection in your relationships. It would just be nice when i make the effort to feel loved. I know ppl have different ways of showing affection. Iike for example someone making dinner might be their show of affection but i am not receiving anything if i dressed in bin bags i wouldnt be noticed. Its how he is theres no one else just wondered if anyone can help me get round it? Is it a matter of tellling myself i look good?

gamerchick Fri 09-May-14 19:14:55

I would wither up and die without affection.

Was he always like that?


Yes not the type to buy flowers when i am ill or anything. Just at the moment i am quite down and i think in times like this affection is needed the most isnt it?

gamerchick Fri 09-May-14 19:22:27

What about hugs and stuff? Do you snuggle on the settee? Or have a hug in passing type of thing?


Yes watch films and things in evenings. He doesnt ever comment if i get new clothes and things. It makes me feel like i am unattractive to him.

wallypops Fri 09-May-14 19:48:09

Couldn't do it myself. Physical affection is the life blood of my relationship. Otherwise I'd rather be single and have mates.


Do you think the saying those that cant love themselves cant love others is true.

Meow75 Fri 09-May-14 19:54:20

Have you asked him about it? Are you affectionate towards him? Where/Are his parents openly affectionate?

Both my parents and DH's were and we are extremely affectionate towards each other. I think the examples we were shown helps massively.


Yes he ignores my question when i try to talk about it and wont do counselling. His parents not open about that thing either or very sociable so i think its making an impact on things now.
i show lots of affection and very thoughtful like buying him gifts and things.

barnet Fri 09-May-14 20:08:19

People show love in different ways, google 'five languages of love'

Thurlow Fri 09-May-14 20:23:56

People do show affection in different ways. Some people aren't that bothered by random presents, even if they are given them themselves, and so don't think to buy them. Some people don't like snuggling up together on the sofa and prefer their own space. Some people kiss and cuddle all the time, someone people don't. Part of being in a relationship, to me, is finding the middle ground on all these things. For example, I wouldn't mind random flowers but that's just not the way DP thinks, but he has a home cooked meal ready for me when I get back from work.

However there is a line where something becomes very important to you and you have to find a compromise. If you don't feel like he is doing anything at all to show you affection, that's not healthy for you.

For me, not commenting on your appearance ever is not a very healthy sign. Presumably everyone found their partner attractive when they first fell in love? And so no matter how much time goes past, there should always be moments where you get a haircut, buy a new top, that makes them comment it looks nice? Or you say something funny or interesting and they comment or admire you for that?

GarlicMayHaveNamechanged Fri 09-May-14 22:26:17

Is he more generous with other people, Round? Did he 'notice' you before you got married? I'm wondering whether he's always been blind to things like appearances, or if he's slotted you into a category labelled "Family - Don't Bother" kind of thing.


I think he has put me in the 'family dont bother'

Lifeisforlivingkatie Sat 10-May-14 05:48:28

My boyfriend is very affectionate, caring, cooks, buys me flowers etc but he doest say he loves me, last time was two years ago. Different people different ways. Speak to him about it, using words like I feel unloved when....

Then play a game called ,
I like it when.... You notice my new dress and he says I like it when .....

Bluecarrot Sat 10-May-14 06:23:08

Five love languages is a good book - been trying to get my DP to read it as I'm in a similar boat to you OP. I've talked to him but its as effective as chatting to a wall. I do know that part of the problem is he has low self esteem and so I'm working on what I can do for him. It's frustrating to get nothing back though. sad (book has been set on his pillow many times as well as being asked outright to read it! Plus I've made it clear what makes me feel loved)

FunkyBoldRibena Sat 10-May-14 06:25:13

Why did you marry him if he didn't show you the affection you desire?

CowPatty Sat 10-May-14 06:59:19

(NC for this)
Your post has definitely struck a chord OP. After 35 years together I'm seriously contemplating leaving now that the DC have left home and it's just the two of us. It's miserable not feeling appreciated when you've made the effort to look nice, or knowing that any hint of affection just means that he's in the mood for sex.
I'm not sure it's possible to fundamentally change the way people are. I've tried hints, discussion (and raging when I've had the occasional glass of red too many!) He doesn't get it - I don't think he ever will. His parents were both very reserved and I feel things will only get worse as we head towards retirement.
DH works hard, plays hard and isn't unkind in many ways but it's not enough any more.
Sorry to be so negative OP, I just wouldn't wish anyone else to feel as lonely as I do today.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 10-May-14 07:14:58

If affection and being appreciated is important to you - and I would say that was pretty normal - and if you have asked for him to show you both and been ignored, then you and your husband are simply incompatible. It's immaterial that 'people show affection in different ways'. I'm sure there is someone somewhere who would be quite happy being taken for granted and shown no affection but, if that's not you, you're with the wrong person and no you shouldn't put up with it.

grumpasaur Sat 10-May-14 12:38:47

I really think this is a hard one, and the five languages of love concept is really important.

My DH is definitely affectionate (sometimes to the point of being needy, drives me crazy as I am not that was inclined), but is USELESS at noticing changes in how I look. I could wear pyjamas and have my hair asunder or I could don a sexy dress and slap myself up, but he wouldn't notice any differently. I've learned to just tell him: "I straightened my hair, doesn't it look nice" and then he will agree. Over time he has learned to pre-empt me, but I know deep down he does this because he knows I need it, rather than because he actually cares how my hair looks or what dress I am wearing! In a way it's sweet- he just loves me for me. I want a husband and a gay best friend, clearly :-).

Could your husband "learn" to give you a few more compliments, and could you try and learn how he best receives and expresses love? He may be showing you already and it's just in a different way than you need?

GarlicMayHaveNamechanged Sat 10-May-14 13:21:16

"Family don't bother" is a miserable place to be. I feel for you.

There are couples who are extremely pragmatic, with neither partner caring about signs of affection (ime they tend to show affection with 'jolly' insults, if at all,) but basically they're dysfunctional by ordinary standards. They happen to have been lucky enough to find a similarly dysfunctional partner! It's not really possible to make yourself uncaring enough to suit such a person.

I'm afraid I agree with Cog. You're incompatible. I also agree it's better to knock this on the head sooner rather than later. You might, perhaps, be surprised at the sheer number of couples who divorce in later life due to incompatibility - this means, sadly, they've lived half their lives in suppressed misery, and brought up children in an emotionally dysfunctional environment.

GarlicMayHaveNamechanged Sat 10-May-14 13:25:30

Grumpasaur, I really think Round has tried this! If he doesn't or can't care enough, then that's the way it is. The only next step is to figure out how unhappy it's making you - quite a lot, in this case sad


Thanks all for your replies been really busy today so only just read them. Had an interesting convo that he feels i dont trust him and it gave me opportunity to point out this issue about feeling unloved and unnoticed and thats why. Unfortnately the type he is i am now going to have to wait and finish convo when dd is in bed. Its intetesting how many people quoted five love languages people in rl have also suggested it i am glad i am not on my own and there are others in a similar situations and thank you for sharing with me

GarlicMayHaveNamechanged Sat 10-May-14 17:53:30

he feels i dont trust him and it gave me opportunity to point out this issue about feeling unloved and unnoticed and thats why

Good lord, are you married to my second mistake?! wink It became clear fairly soon that he just wanted me to be 'convenient', which didn't include him having to notice me in any positive way.

What did you mean about "the type he is"?

Minion100 Sat 10-May-14 18:04:51

I read a book that said women "need" affection in the primal sort of way that men "need" sex. I'm sure many will think that's sexist but I personally think it's true in my case. I could do without sex but not hugs and kisses and I think that it's the responsibility of any spouse to make an effort to deliver on their partners needs.

GarlicMayHaveNamechanged Sat 10-May-14 18:14:03

Haha, Minion, was it Mars & Venus? I read that, desperately, while I was with XH2. Fucking caves and waves, what a pile of shite.

FWIW, women need sex and men need affection. We can all live without either, but for full emotional satisfaction we all need both.

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