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Dp in spare bed

(25 Posts)
springchickennolonger Fri 09-May-14 16:53:31

I'm not sure wjat to make of this.Been with dp for nearly 30 years. We've had ups and downs, like everyone.

Some years ago when dd was little, she came into bed with me as she was finding it hard to settle. Not a good idea, with the benefit of hindsight, probably. Happy to be flamed for that. Wjen she returned to her own bed, Dp did not return and hasn't since. He claims "he can read" in the spare room as he is awake late and I go to bed early, by about 10.30.

I'm not sure how I should feel about this. He clearly does not want to share a bed with me. We rarely have sex, not surprisingly. When it happens, it is after dd has gone to school and before he goes to work (I work from home).

I feel a bit offended that he chooses not to share bedspace but still wants sex as and when it suits him. I understand him wanting to squeeze it in (no pun intended) at his convenience as, to be fair he works long hours.

Am I being entitled and awkward about this? I don't feel I can talk to friends about it as it's a bit too personal.

Any thoughts? Thanks.

ThePriory Fri 09-May-14 17:26:30

'Entitled' lol what, in your desire to share your bed with your husband?

I wouldn't use that word. It is an important area of intimacy that is now missing in your relationship.

He perhaps prefers going to bed alone so he can wank over some porn... (sorry! negative speculation...)

Intimacy is a tricky one to talk about openly with the one person who is the most able to do something.

What deos he say when you ask him "Can we sleep in the same bed at nights again becuase I would love for us to get back some of the intimacy we have lost?"

sadwidow28 Fri 09-May-14 17:47:11

No - you are not being 'entitled' at all.

My DH went to bed at 10.45 pm and I 'dropped into bed' at about 2am having worked in the study. (I was the main earner in a high-profile job.) He was a lark and I was a night owl. I was still allowed to put my cold feet on him grin

He snored loudly enough to waken the dead but never, ever did we resort to separate bedrooms. We would have lost a part of our lives that was precious. We slept like spoons. If one turned over, the other followed to spoon again.

I also suspect he isn't just reading in bed. Is he taking an ipad or phone to bed with him? If he is genuinely reading, buy him a Kindle with a night-light and remove the excuse/barrier he has put up.

springchickennolonger Fri 09-May-14 18:27:14

Thanks. Yes, I'm fairly sure he has a porn habit, as I've found images stored (accidentally presumably!) on dd's tablet. I'm not sure about the porn: that's another matter. What bothers me more is that he seems to be using this habit to justify not sharing a bed with me, and furthermore is using me for (unsatisfactory) sex when it is convenient for him, and takes offence when I'm not up for it.

God knows what dd thinks! She's 12 now and must realise that couples normally share a bed!

Trouble is, I can't seem to tackle the issue without flying into a temper! He's hypersensitive, passive-aggressive and takes things very personally.

I'm also very sensitive but I feel entitled(that word again)! to feel hurt about this.

sadwidow28 Fri 09-May-14 18:41:46

No, you are misunderstanding us.

You are entitled to be hurt - but not acting 'entitled' (over-precious, demanding, with unreasonable expectations). Your expectations are realistic and reasonable. You have to be the role model for your daughter who is clearly of an age to understand how married couples interact and support each other in a loving relationship. This is not what she is seeing is it?

Do you want to talk more about the passive-aggressive behaviour. There is more to this than just not sharing a bed. Don't tell us if you don't want to though.

What are his good points? If you can't think of many, never mind sharing a bed, think about a separate household. He really doesn't sound like a prize - you can't ever criticize him, have to suck up his behaviour or he has a tantrum - he sounds like a prick.

mammadiggingdeep Fri 09-May-14 19:41:50

How is he the rest of the time? Is he affectionate? Do you cuddle on the sofa? My ex dp stopped sharing a bed with me when dd1 was born. I think he was cheating too but I think he was just emotionally distancing himself from me. It's such a hurtful thing if its not mutual. I felt very rejected.

nokidshere Fri 09-May-14 19:41:57

We have been married for 30 years, we haven't shared a bed for around 20 of those years. However, we go to bed together and then separate when we want to sleep (well he sleeps and I potter around as I am an insomniac). We are just not compatible bedfellows. He likes 8 hours, in a dark room, heating on with the duvet rolled around him and total silence, I sleep for 3-4 hours a night, I fidget lots and am always boiling hot. My room has the windows open and a fan going all year round and the blinds are rarely closed. I sleep with a light sheet over me. It works for us and our 12 & 15 year olds have no issue with it - we are not secretive about why we sleep apart. Our sex life is good though and we always make time for each other.

I tell you all that simply to show that it can work in a good relationship. It sounds like you have far more issues than just sharing a bed and yes you are entitled to feel hurt by his lack of communication on the subject.

springchickennolonger Fri 09-May-14 20:31:06

There's no affection, but sometimes (after I've had a mental moan about him) he'll do something unexpectedly nice. I feel guilty, then. And he's a great dad-very patient and takes a real interest in dd's business.

It's me personally he seems to have a problem with, and I wonder if perhaps I come across as aloof and cold. I'm independent in both mind and action and I wonder if I come across as couldn't-care-less-ish. It's not that-I do-but I feel I have to put on a front in front of others to save face (his, not mine).

I had counselling a while ago when things came to a head and I was beginning to lose it in front of dd. When I tried to drag dp along to a session he cried and said he felt I was having a go at him. He came to the session, kicking and screaming, cried again, and I felt terrible. Things improved slightly after that, although he hasn't mentioned it since.

The passive/ agressive thing is typical of men I read about on here. Perhaps it's a communication problem, but he treats me as if I don't exist as a person, if that makes sense. He doesn't compliment me, take an interest in me, doesn't comment on my cooking, clothes, etc unless it's negative. For example, he'll comment on a stain on my clothes, a hair growing out of a mole (sorry tmi!), or my dodgy parking and it really drags my confidence down, because it's what I've come to expect. He talks at me too, and has to be right about everything. He just doesn't seem to have any respect for me, and I wonder if the bedroom problem is an extension of his (apparent) lack of tespect. I feel like a live-in prostitute (albeit an occasional one)!

No-one else I know speaks to me like this.

Thanks all for reading.

IWillIfHeWill Fri 09-May-14 21:04:16

Does he have any kind of personality issue like Asperger? That sometimes makes people seem aloof and makes some genuinely resistant to human contact, and we would certainly feel the need to point out a problem so that you could fix it.
Having said that, my dd and her dh are both undiagnosed but quite definitely Asperger, and they cuddle more than any other couple I know.

IWillIfHeWill Fri 09-May-14 21:05:31

Oh, and I forgot to say, it wasn't all that unusual when I was growing up, for couples to sleep separately. I never heard of it being damaging to their children's development.

mistymeanour Fri 09-May-14 21:39:25

He actually sounds quite emotionally abusive to me OP. It's horrible to have your confidence undermined by your partner.

You could try reading "why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. The lack of respect shown to you will impact on your DD. I'm shocked he thought it was ok to save porn images on her tablet - what if she had seen them?

Did anything come out of the counselling that helped you discover your relationship dynamic? 30 years is a long time to be together - did he used to be affectionate. Did his behaviour change soon after a significant event eg. breavement, job loss etc.

JustAQuickQuestionPlease Sat 10-May-14 10:29:28

Your daughter will have noticed, not only the fact that he's sleeping separately but that he is not nice to you. She's at the age where she'll start to be interested in boys - the way her dad behaves will have an impact on her.

If you were to say to her that you were leaving him because he isn't nice to you then she would understand, even though she might prefer you to stay together. She would understand that if you're with someone who only notices you if you've done something wrong, that's a very unhealthy situation to be in.

I would take this opportunity to go off with your daughter and to have a happy life without this man. Frankly he sounds horrible - yes of course he can make the big gesture occasionally, but it's horrible to live with someone who doesn't respect you. Really awful.

JustAQuickQuestionPlease Sat 10-May-14 10:30:02

Besides which, it'll only be a few years until your daughter leaves home. Do you really want to live with him on your own?

grumpasaur Sat 10-May-14 11:53:10

Hi op!

Just a couple of things, really. I don't think in principle that it is a bad thing to sleep separately, as long as the intimacy remains in the other aspects of your relationship. I am a bad sleeper and my husband snores like a banshee and could heat up Antarctica with his night time body temperature, so we often sleep in separate beds. Importantly we still have pre-bed snuggles!

We tend to be day time or morning shaggers so this isn't an issue for us.

However it sounds to me that in your particular situation, the sleeping apart is just the tip of the iceberg, so to speak, and there are much bigger issues relating to sex, intimacy, and respect bubbling away under the surface.

Do you love your husband, and believe he loves you? If so maybe some counseling may be useful in order to garner some respect and encourage some open communication?

cjelh Sat 10-May-14 19:36:01

Did I read that you'd found porn on DDs tablet?

springchickennolonger Sat 10-May-14 20:38:08

Thanks all. cjyes, I found some images copied to the clipboard. By accident, I imagine.

grump I agree about sleeping separately not in itself being an issue. As far as I'm concerned, it's more about what it represents: it's as if I'm not good enough to share a bed with but good enough for the odd fumble when it suits him.

That book sounds good, too. I'll give it a try.

On the Asperger' s issue, I tried an online test and-guess what-my result was in the "positive"range! I guess if dp were to take the test himself he would score quite highly too, so perhaps we are just not suited in personality terms.

Finola1step Sat 10-May-14 20:49:02

Sorry OP, the sleeping in seperate rooms is not your immediate biggest concern.

Your husband using your 12 year olds tablet to access porn and save the images (accident or not) is a major, massive red flag. How can you not see this?

What if your dd sees this? Or a friend of hers who then tells a teacher?

I could never imagine my dh or myself accessing porn on a device that the dc have access to let alone one that belongs to our dc. That's a huge crossing of the boundaries.

cjelh Sat 10-May-14 20:57:08

I'm sure that somewhere I saw that exposing children to porn is child abuse. If you found it she could.

Inertia Sun 11-May-14 08:48:46

Agree with the posters above - the main issue here is that your H is exposing your child to porn. That's a form of child abuse . Dealing with that needs to be your priority.

gamerchick Sun 11-May-14 09:03:09

Sleeping in separate bedrooms isn't really the main problem you have here. There's nothing damaging for kids when their parents sleep in separate rooms if their parents have all of the good stuff in other areas of their relationship.

Put that to one side.. you probably need to concentrate on the more important parts that need addressing right now.

springchickennolonger Sun 11-May-14 11:32:10

There is no way the clipboard images would have been identifiable as porn to a 12 year old. To an adult, yes. They were deleted so no way could dd or her friends have seen them.

I mentioned the images to support my suspicion that dp is using porn.

cjelh Sun 11-May-14 13:10:13

Don't underestimate the power of a 12 year old to be able to access anything that is on a tablet...they have far more knowledge than you know. Peas don't be naive.

But you are seriously missing the point - he is using dds tablet for his own seedy porn. This is wrong on so many levels and shows to me that his use is at a dangerous level. I don't think this man is safe.

Inertia Sun 11-May-14 20:20:46

Do you not see anything inherently disturbing about a man using his child's tablet to look at those images, regardless of how easily she could access them ?

Finola1step Mon 12-May-14 06:32:20

Oh Spring, wake up.

He has crossed a massive boundary in his porn use. If he his happy to use your dd's tablet to access porn, what else is he comfortable in doing? Wanking over porn when your dd is in the house, doing her homework in her bedroom?

These are the type of questions you need to be asking yourself, no matter how hard they may be.

Much easier than your dd asking you probing questions I would have thought.

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