Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Passive aggressive dp re me going out

(85 Posts)

Am I the only one this happens to?

I don't go out a huge amount once every month maybe even once every two months, each time my partner says yes that's fine (I'm not asking permission, just being courteous and making sure no clashing of plans) but then on the day starts being difficult. The silent moodiness almost sulking, comments made about me jumping and running at the beck and call of my friends.

He doesn't really go out, he says if he's going out he prefers it to be just the two of us, whereas I'm ok with that most of the time but occasionally I want to go out with my friends.

I'm dude to go out this evening, we were supposed to be going for cocktails and I've already said I'll drive so that I don't drink and can get up and take p out fishing tomorrow (he doesn't drive and tbh getting rid for a day is lovely) but I've come home from work and the school run, he's just got in and is now sat on the sofa with a face on and refusing to engage in conversation. I've asked what he wants for dinner as cooking for the dc and offered to get him and ds1(17) a curry as I'll be eating out but I'm just getting grunted at and it puts me on edge.

I don't want to go out feeling like shit because we've had a row or wondering if he'll still be in a mood when I get in.

I'm aware that I'll get a flaming and ask why I'm still here. He never used to be like it, we have children and generally a good home life but he's turning into his dad!

CoventryUniversityNetballTeam Fri 09-May-14 16:26:54

My dp is the exact same. I go out once every few months and every time I do I get ignored on the days leading up, passive aggressive comments about going out and he will be in a mood for a few days afterwards. I've stopped going out because it's not worth the aggro but that doesn't solve anything I know.

I'm due to go to a friends party tomorrow night and I'm thinking of an excuse so I can't go to save the mood he will be in. I haven't even told him about it yet because he will laugh and smirk about it and say it's crap why do I want to go etc etc. It makes me feel shit before I go out so I can't enjoy myself even if I want to because I know what I'll be going home to - him in bed, silence and passive comments for days.

He goes out 4/5 nights a week and I never complain because I'm ignored if I do. He doesn't see why it's not right him going out and me not and I'm at the end of my tether.

No advice but your not alone

CoventryUniversityNetballTeam Fri 09-May-14 16:27:57

Should add I'm a sahm and we have 2 dds under 5 so I have no time to myself which is why I want a night out every few months

theworkofsatan Fri 09-May-14 16:29:18

I've had this in a previous relationship. The worst thing you can do is try and jolly him out of his mood by trying to make conversation. He's being a mardy bum because you're going out. Passive aggressive is a nightmare because it makes you feel uncomfortable and believe me, he knows what he is doing.

Ignore. Go for a bath/shower and get ready with a nice glass of wine. Fuck what he thinks, he's not your boss. Don't engage with him but don't ignore him either. Just act normally. You're not doing anything wrong by going out. Its him with the problem, not you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 09-May-14 16:32:15

I don't know if he's turning into his Dad but he's turning into a selfish bully. Doesn't socialise, doesn't drive and tries to guilt-trip and sulk you into staying home pandering solely to him? Jog on..... hmm

Don't let him make you feel like shit. Don't engage. Ignore. Oh yes.... and when it comes time to take him fishing, don't start the engine until you get a full apology for his behaviour. Let him feel like shit instead....

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Fri 09-May-14 16:32:17

It's controlling behaviour. He's trying to control you. You say it's lovely to get rid of him for a day - why? So you can breathe without him passively controlling you perchance?
You don't have to accept this. You can either leave him, or if not, accept that this is his issue and ignore his sulks entirely. Don't pander to them by offering to get a takeaway, don't try to placate him or feel guilty. Just do what you want to do and forget about his moods.

theworkofsatan Fri 09-May-14 16:32:27

Coventry - I've been there. Its horrible and what makes it even worse is their blatant double standards. Telling him that you are going out at the last minute will not prevent his mood towards you. In fact it might make it worse. My ex used to accuse me of being "up to something" because "you have dropped it on me at the last minute". You can't win with this type of man because they just don't want you to go anywhere or do anything without them.

Jan45 Fri 09-May-14 16:37:25

Not acceptable at all and his worry about what you are getting up to would worry me that it's him getting up to stuff!

Stop pandering to him, like a child, ignore bad behaviour.

Ivehearditallnow Fri 09-May-14 16:37:40

Ugh - don't like the sound of this at all.

Also - why can't he drive? Can't imagine me or DP managing without a car - must be frustrating for his to be your responsibility and not shared.

Is it something to do with money do you think? I had a friend who was SAHM and her bloke used to resent her 'squandering' money on having fun with her friends. Once every month or two months isn't excessive partying is it?

Does he not go out because he has no friends?

I do think it's odd. And I feel sorry for you that he's ruining it for you by expecting you to drive him to go fishing so now you can't have a couple of well deserved cocktails??

Ivehearditallnow Fri 09-May-14 16:38:24

*this to be your responsibility, I mean - not his!

Ivehearditallnow Fri 09-May-14 16:39:25

PS Coventry please please go to your friend's party. Don't let him cut you off from your friends x

FantasticButtocks Fri 09-May-14 16:41:28

This sounds horrible. I certainly wouldn't be offering to organise his supper if he's sulking like this. I'd put on some music and sing along to it while getting ready to go out... Just call out 'Cheerio' as you leave, as if you haven't noticed his sulk.

If he's still like it tomorrow, ask straight out 'have you got a problem with me going out?' If he says no, just carry on as normal. If he has got a problem with it, then don't give him a lift and tell him to learn to drive FFS.

I don't think I could live with this type of knob bush behaviour. Just do not tolerate it and for goodness sake don't pander to it.

Good luck!

FantasticButtocks Fri 09-May-14 16:41:57

Not knob bush! knobbish !

Whilst it's live to know I'm alone, I'm also sad that there are others putting up with this.

Yes him going out for the day frees me up to have a nice day with the dc. He did have lessons and failed 5 driving tests as he goes to pieces in test conditions.

People often comment on how do i put up with him, as he comes across as rude and miserable. I did say if I/we were making him so unhappy then he should leave but he hasn't and said that we weren't.

I do get comments about the lack of sex these days but I'm tired I work five days a week, office based 9-3 then have to be available for calls and emails until 6 but in home for the dc after school. He leaves at 6 and is often home by 2 but does very little. I also have never much really enjoyed sex so it's always been a bit duty bound (not just with him but with partners previously even at 17/18).

I can't even be bothered to argue anymore and fed up of waking on eggshells when I want to do something. If I'm not going out everything ticks along fine we have our routines and they suit us.

Jan45 Fri 09-May-14 16:43:43

And just because he has no friends doesn't mean you cant and shouldn't keep up your friendships, they are important, the world doesn't revolve around him and he can't expect you to follow his way.

Ivehearditallnow Fri 09-May-14 16:44:25

[Grin] at knob bush - sounds like waxing that would be painful x

Ivehearditallnow Fri 09-May-14 16:46:51

grin i mean

It's not money. We aren't rich but we both work and have money after bills, we don't have a lot of savings either but I don't spend £100's on a. Night out. We usually go local and I spend £20-30 will be about the same tonight but if is been drinking would have been £50ish.

He smokes and drinks. I don't unless going out. I don't smoke ever.

The more I write the worse it seems.

I don't want to split up but at the same time I'm not sure how we can carry on and end up resenting each other.

He's 9years older than me, I'm late 30's.

badbaldingballerina123 Fri 09-May-14 16:46:55

There's no way I'd pander to this. Why don't you get ready and go out early ? I'd inform he can whistle for a lift tomorrow and I'd go out a lot more.

FantasticButtocks Fri 09-May-14 16:48:50

Have you tried asking him what the hell his problem is?

He does have friends but they give up on asking him out. I encourage him to go out for a drink with 'the lads' but he's not interested. One of the things I liked when we met was that he was in a big social group and we'd always be going out and meeting up, going to each other houses bbq's walks etc. I know things change and dc especially change things but still it can't be healthy to be so cut off from friends.

Hahha yes I have buttocks. I just get told nothing is wrong.

FantasticButtocks Fri 09-May-14 16:52:07

Agree, I'd stop ferrying him around and go out much more yourself!

Also, I passed my test sixth time! The trick is to drive as if the examiner is a frail old lady with a heart condition - that's how I did it anyway.

He sounds very unsexy actually with his petulant childish sulks...

FantasticButtocks Fri 09-May-14 16:55:01

Well if he says nothing's wrong, then you could just say 'excellent' and start acting breezy and cheerful on your way out of the door

Or 'oh good. Could you put up a shelf for me then?' (Or Hoover the stairs or whatever...)

grin

ThePriory Fri 09-May-14 16:55:17

Oh dear.
Well I suppose for starters (before jumping straight to LTB!) you should avoid encouraging sulking in your DP. At the moment you seem to be jumping to placate him with offers of providing dinners, running around for him, and love talk. This will only 'reward' the sulky behaviour (like with a 2 year old, sort of thing!)

So try pointing out to him "Oh, you're being a sulky man child again well I won't be talking to that!" and carry on like normal, but ignoring him back.

It stems from jealousy and wanting to have you all to himself, so there is a controlling undercurrent. It will end up draining the love out of your relationship unless he works on this.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now