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Don't get why I am upset ex boyfriend has moved on?!!

(48 Posts)
Belle12 Thu 08-May-14 23:26:46

Can anyone else relate to this?

We had been in a relationship for 2 1/2 years (not living together). I ended things romantically almost 6 months ago (after much fretting about hurting his feelings) because I could not see a future with him and didn't think we were compatible. I still think that and know it was the right thing for both of us. We remained friendly with him still coming round, keeping in touch daily and helping out with things (though sometimes this almost seemed like him wanting to keep the door open so to speak though I was careful to keep things friendly only).

So why am I upset now that he has moved on and is dating someone new? I only found out as I saw his profile on a dating website and asked him about it. I'd made a profile without intending to date as I know I'm not ready to, just wanted to see what was out there. Up comes his profile at the top of the search list and first thought was "oh, ok". Then "good on you". Then I got peeved as he had not said he was looking to date again. Just sort of felt that he was keeping quiet about it, probably because there wasn't much to say.

I don't get why I feel so blooming teary about it? I'm not attracted to him so what's wrong with me?!! :-/

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 08-May-14 23:30:25

It's fairly natural human vanity to hope that someone would still be holding a torch rather than moving merrily on. You say yourself that remaining friendly was him keeping the door open. This shows it's shut... The tears won't last long.

Belle12 Thu 08-May-14 23:50:34

Thanks Cogito. smile Rationally I know it's stupid to feel upset especially as I was the one to say to him it wasn't working between us. Did I really expect him to keep pining for me?!

I'll miss his support but worry about coping alone (no family or other support network to speak of and he's been good to continue being supportive really). It feels almost like an abandonment type thing though I know it's not. Think friendship with him needs to step down now to give his new relationship space to develop. Hope the teary feelings do clear soon!

Bogeyface Thu 08-May-14 23:55:44

Well if my reaction when my ex BF (from ten years previously no less, and we were only together a year!) got married, I think its because you dont want him, but to find out that he doesnt want you either is a bit of a kick in the tits! Why doesnt he still want me? Whats wrong with me? Whats she got that I havent got?!

You are allowed to move on from them, but they are never supposed to move on from you!

Totally irrational, but quite common I think.

Belle12 Fri 09-May-14 00:14:00

Thanks Bogeyface grin lol Loved that description. It's definitely a kick in the tits and what's wrong with me kind of feeling. Pride is probably a bit knocked.

It's weird. I feel teary, relieved, peed off and scared. May be a bit of PMS in the mix as well. Have cried, eaten junk/comfort food, and signed up for exercise classes next week! New chapter I think!

Bogeyface Fri 09-May-14 00:18:47

You're welcome!

And of course there is the feeling that if he still wants you then you have a back up, even if it is a back up you would never go back to. Being really alone, especially if you have stayed close as you have, is quite scarey. Let your feelings happen, accept them and you will be fine smile

Belle12 Fri 09-May-14 01:21:04

I think it's the being alone bit that's scaring me most and the niggling thought that I'll never find 'the one'/no one will want to be with me again.

I've wished him well and I'm (mostly) glad for him that he's happy and moving on. I know I will get there too. smile

brokenhearted55a Fri 09-May-14 09:20:52

Wow. I hope my ex reacted the same way when I moved on.

sonjadog Fri 09-May-14 09:30:14

I think Cognito has it absolutely right. It is a natural form of human vanity. A little bit of us likes the idea of someone pining for us. I bet you will feel just fine about it in a day or two.

brokenhearted55a Fri 09-May-14 10:12:05

I wonder now. Some guy back in December decided not to date me anymore and wanted to be friends with me. He stayed in touch with me, mostly him initiating. He saw from Facebook I wasn't bothered and was having holidays etc. He threw the friendly contact in my face and accused me of having designs on him still......!!

I wonder if he was pissed off that I was apparently not bothered and moving on even though he said didn't want to date. Perhaps I was supposed to still hold a torch for him.

Belle12 Fri 09-May-14 22:11:35

Bogeyface, definitely wouldn't go back. He's a good person but we'd have been miserable living together, different outlooks completely and I felt like we were both settling rather than together because we really wanted to be.

Brokenhearted55a, i can't really complain as I ended it. He just moved on first. hmm Guess maybe I'm feeling a bit wobbly because there is no one on the horizon for me yet but going to hang back from dating. Have made the mistake of going into relationships too soon before, just made me feel worse. Sounds like December guy's ego took a knock, no for him to be nasty though.

Sonjadog, Cogito is definitely right (even if I don't want to admit to myself that I could be that vain!!!). I'm also fairly impatient and want to be ok now. wink Will have to get a check on it as we will still see each other regularly in same friend group. He's all happy smiley at the mo which is pssing me off a bit as it kind of feels like rubbing it in but then I think of all the ways he irritated me and that tempers it a bit. smile

SaucyJack Fri 09-May-14 23:59:17

It's a perfectly natural feeling. Just so long as you know it's an irrational vanity thing and don't get arsey with him then you're fine.

DP has an unflushable ex who dumped him years ago for somebody else, but still felt the need to ring SIL to register her "hurt and rejection" after he'd moved in with me and we had our DD.

Very, very embarrassing behaviour in anyone over the age of 12 wink Don't say anything out loud!

Belle12 Sat 10-May-14 00:35:46

Thanks SaucyJack. smileDon't want to do or say anything that will make it difficulty for us to be around each other and mutual friends in future.

Did meet him for lunch today and said it was maybe a tad insensitive for him to be texting her while we were at lunch. Was that unreasonable? He's just happy which is good to see and good for him but feels sort of like rubbing my nose in it. Will just keep well out of the way if I'm having a bad day and not handling it so well.

Feel so dumb for feeling this upset about it, especially as some of the feeling is relief that he's moved on! ��

MrWalletwithMothsonboard Sat 10-May-14 08:34:32

Well I think you should be taking a step back now. Its not nice for the new woman to find out the person you are seeing still keeping an ex on the boil. His ego will be falsely inflated and already you are showing jealousy re the texting.

I think you need to protect yourself from these feelings. I completely empathise by the way. I am dreading hearing about my ex moving on. Luckily As he kept me v much in a compartment I am not in his social scene. I just know it is going to sting! Best of luck.

MrWalletwithMothsonboard Sat 10-May-14 08:37:17

PS. If you were still in contact daily you had not really separated so your healing starts now.

Belle12 Sat 10-May-14 09:51:41

MrWallet, thanks. smile Daily contact has been text messages, almost always him initiating and that has tailed off now that he is focused elsewhere.

He barely socialises which is why I was thinking good on him for online dating. I think it smarts now because I have not started dating as I know I'm not ready to and he sort of got there first. Maybe a background feeling of that door is shut now but really honestly from the friendship sense because I think he was always a rebound relationship for me and I know I wasn't the love of his life.

I have already said to him time for the friendship to shift into a lower gear, he wants things to stay as they are, more because he's a creature of habit I think. I said no as I wouldn't be happy to have an ex always in the background, friend or not.

I don't want to lose the friendship totally or have awkwardness in the future as I don't have many close friends either and no family local but am totally aware I have to fully let go now. It's just that my confidence is wobbly and being totally alone is scary. Saying that I really have been managing alone for a long time, so i don't know why I am fretting so much!

Sorry to ramble on. Just wanted to know others have been there and come through it. Really appreciate all the comments.

MrWalletwithMothsonboard Sat 10-May-14 10:19:02

The feeling about needing to get a new partner is pretty intense isn't it? Like we have an imaginary audience we have to prove that "see I am worthwhile and I can find someone to love me" type thing.

Our rational brain knows that we should be taking it easy and not rushing into things again.

Have you read Baggage Reclaim by Nathalie Lue. Her website is fabulous and I bought her book, the Fallback Girl. It has helped me from sending snotty texts and the need to set things right with my ex, despite me ending it!! (I had good reason though and wasted a lot of my precious time on the "relationship").

I know EXACTLY how you feel and it is good to know I am not alone so thank you Belle.

PM me if you want further support through this. I am happy to email. smile

Belle12 Sat 10-May-14 10:27:25

P.S. Good luck to you also MrWallet, it does kind of sting, more so if you have to carry on seeing each other, then I try and focus in the things about him that irritated me and that helps a bit. Might help you?

Thinking about all the positives of being single this morning. smile

Belle12 Sat 10-May-14 10:43:10

Thanks, will definitely look at the book and website. smile

It's a weird mix of feeling right now and I know the down bits are just insecurity.

It does feel a bit like others are expecting me to get back on it and start dating now that he has moved on. Don't want to rush into that just because everyone thinks I should. Want to spend time sorting me out and kind of figured that by realising we were no right for each other I'm kind of doing that already! Why do people feel the need to instantly set us up with profiles or dates? wink

MrWalletwithMothsonboard Sat 10-May-14 11:23:23

Well I am four months of no contact but I have good days when I am me again and days where I fester on things. Part of me wants to know his business and part of me does not! It is quite a conflict.

I try to focus on the negative. Incidentally I was the new woman with an ex who did not really want him in the stalls. She got jealous too. He must have felt quite the prize!!

Just taking one day at a time. Sadly I don't have friends trying to fix me up. I would quite welcome the diversion. ;)

brokenhearted55a Sat 10-May-14 11:47:39

Are you sure you made the right choice? If you miss him this much?

Belle12 Sat 10-May-14 12:31:42

Great website, thanks for recommending it.grin Think it will help me understand my responses to a lot of things.

4 months is still early days so bound to have those moments of festering, probably if it's been a bad day, friends are busy or you're overtired. I know those are my difficult moments.

You have been strong not to contact over those 4 months. smile I have wobbled today, after months of reclaiming my own space at weekends I found myself thinking about meeting him for lunch but am going to keep busy and am out to the cinema tonight with a mutual friend which will be a good distraction.

It was colleagues egging me on to set up a profile and a couple I know tried to suggest a friend of theirs a couple of months ago. Same couple suggested a friend of theirs when I was divorcing ex H 7 years ago. Said friend (late 40s) is now shacked up with a girl in her late teens so when I feel ready I think I'll find my own way thanks. grin

Belle12 Sat 10-May-14 12:43:09

Brokenheated, I know I made the right decision. smile He is a lovely man in many ways but there were things personality wise I would be ok with as friends but not as a life partner and it was getting to the point of not being able to hide irritation - no good for either of us. I'm sure I drove him mad also!

I am happy for him and hope it works out. I'm just scared to be alone I guess and that's no basis for a relationship. Want to get to the stage where I'm not fretting that I'm on my own. Just a bit hard in low moments because it feels like everyone including ex H moves on merrily and I struggle.

MrWalletwithMothsonboard Sat 10-May-14 12:51:05

Yes sometimes it appears that there is a Love Go Round, but all the seats have been taken and there is little old you looking on wistfully!

My relationship was not meeting my needs in so many ways. Looking back my dp had complete control of how it was shaping up which was actually going nowhere, just very convenient for me to slot into his schedule. Despite me thinking I was the love of his life, it eventually dawned on me that I was someone who it was pleasant enough to pass time with. Not nice to find you have been so blind.

Also I found him impossible to communicate with beyond a few superficial subjects and that can wear you down after a while.

I have made the right decision but it does not stop it from hurting at times. After all you lose the good along with the bad.

Now where is that chocolate! :0)

Belle12 Sat 10-May-14 13:39:09

Will a chocolate orange do? smile

That's so similar to how I feel things were with ex bf! In fairness I had my own issues also.

The more I felt he wasn't really looking to a joint future the more I shut off towards him and spending time together was full of tension. We were constantly at loggerheads and I felt I couldn't communicate with him about the important things. Also felt like he wanted his life to stay just as it was and I was just filling the void. I know you have to work at a relationship but it shouldn't be such hard work all the time, especially when you're not even living together!

Now that things are moving on I'm suddenly remembering all the good things we did, the days out, nights in and all. You are right about losing the good with the bad.

I don't think we want to settle though. We know when something is right, when it's working. We also know when it's not and it's a brave thing to step away. Just wish it didn't hurt! sad

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