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He left because I smoked

(60 Posts)
tametammy99 Sun 04-May-14 08:11:35

This is going to take sometime to read but please read. I ask for no nasty comments or judgement because no-one can beat themselves up more than I do myself.
7yrs ago i met the man of my dreams, we fell in love so hard so deep and very quick. I left my friends and familt behind to move in with home to start a home and family. After 5 months we we're pregnant and so happy. I smoked during my pregnancy and my daughter was born 5lb 14oz. she was the most beautiful baby i had ever seen.
Fast forward a few yrs and we got married. I was the happiest girl in the whole world. I fell pregnant for a second time and yes i smoked more but this time i smoked cannabis more and more to stop me being sick. I couldnt eat anything with this baby I had sickness right up until birth.
I was meant to have a home birth, was so excited. Anyway, i thought my waters had gone so i called the midwife and she came over. she did a sweep and said if contactions dont start to go to the hospital the next day. The didnt and we went to the hospital. They said that they couldnt be 100% sure if my waters had gone but we could come back in a few days for a scan, however there was the risk of infection so we decided to stay and be induced. We made that choice together. They tried everything to start my contactions but nothing really worked. Eventually they broke my waters and things slowly started to get going, only thing was with each contraction the babirs heart dropped, the midwife said if that happens again we was to call her. It did and she came. she looked concened. I was taken through tp the delivery and started on the drip and gas and air. everything was going 'okay' until 8.40pm when they sped the drip up as i wasnt dilating fast enough. Thats wheb thongs started going wrong,very wrong.
I can't remember much about the birth at all. I was so high on gas and air i forgot i was giving birth. On the gas and air I thought i was a little girl again.......i remember opening my eyes and seeing so so many people except every person was 'him'. Not my husband, but my ex stepdad the man that abused me physically and mentally as i child. I thought he was comjng to 'get me' again. As a result of this i have now been told that i was not co-operating at all and nearly killed my baby as the wanted to give me an eppidural but i kept refusing say i could handle the pain, something i do not remember at all. That night not only did we nearly lose our baby but me as well. i became ill and was fading. I remember my sister in law shouting bringing me back to earth. she told me i had to have an epidural so i could have an emerency c section cuz the baby was dying. I kind of remember agreeing to it. Before the could i had the urge to push but the doctors said no. It was too late i could feel something. Still i was trying to protect myself and didnt want people touching me anymore. When i came 'back' to earth i was bleeding so much and convinced myself 'he' had got me again. I had to go down to surgury to have my placenta removed as it was stuck.
I didnt know until recently how bad the situation really was its s night we never speak about. But now i wish we had cuz maybe i wouldnt be in the situation im in now. Our son was born 5lb1oz and is now a healthy 2 yr old.
Last month my husbabd went awol for 24hrs, reported him missing with the police. when he came back tye next day he told me he had been on crack all night. i believed him and forgave him. We had a few rocky days and eventually i asked him to leave. We spoke the next day about everything. I had never told him about what i thought had happen to me that night until 3 weeks ago. He came home willing to try and make us work. Only......he was at work and asked menif he could go for a drink with a friend after work. I didnt want him to go but to save an argument i said okay. He text me to tell me he'd missed his train and was going to sleep at his friends house. at that moment i knew something was up. Well he did come home that night so so drunk. And with a love bite on his neck...:-( at first he denied it saying he had a play fight. eventually he told.me the truth. I threw him out. A few days later we agreed to try again but i knew his heart wasnt in it. I confronted him with it and he said the i broke his heart so bad that he didnt love me anymore...i was broken....he left....we had the breaking up talk...but he kissed me when he left for work the next day so i thought that we wasnt really over. he came back that night to talk, he said he need space and needed to be away from me for a while, so he moved in with his sister.
The next day his sister came to pick me up and take me to the hospital for an appointment. when i got into the car i knew he had seen her again the night before as a box of fags where in the car and the lassengrr seat was all the way back. i got to the hospital and was told i need urgent biospys on my moles... :-(
Eventually i got the truth out of him. he had met her, even after saying the night before 'tgis really isnt goodbye'. when i questioned him about it he said he thought we was over and then we wasnt he didnt know what to do. I spoke with him and asked him of he wanted us 'over' he said no and came home. i brought his things home but left his bags packed. he had to make a decision. I begged him to forgive me but he said he couldnt. he told me his love changed to hate and now ive spoken to him about 'that night' he fells sorry for me saying i must have been so scared.
This bring us to now....i asked him if he regrets leaving me and the children, he said he regrets how things ended and they shouldnt have ended that way but it would have ended anyway...but he thinks its for the best.
Ive killed myself for 2 yrs thinking about what i did and that i smoked. i asked him for another chance and he saod he gave me that when we fell pregnant again.
If i could change the past i would...and i know its my fault(yes he smoked too) but whats done is done and our son is totally fine.
He said he wants us to be friends and doesnt want a divorce cuznits notnthe right thing to do.
Its breaking my heart i still have to see him everyday because of the choldren but i just want us back as a family again. I love him with all my heart even after the affair he started. I just do not know what to do. everyone said i should just leave him alone and if its meant to be its meant to be. Ive now had to put my name on the housing list so he can move back in here but i dont want to move.
Again i ask for no nasty comment i am FULLY aware smoming of any kind is bad when pregnant but i cant change the past.

Thank you.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 04-May-14 08:17:55

He left because you smoked but he went AWOL for 24 hours and was doing crack?

Sounds like the two of you are better off apart.

Whereisegg Sun 04-May-14 08:41:39

Sorry but surely he has left you for OW, not because you smoked?

He went out, didn't come home, admitted he'd done crack (shock ), then threw some head fucking into the equation by kissing you after saying he wanted to separate.

Get strong op, tell him you need to sort contact and maintenance.
Talk only about those things.

HoldMyBag Sun 04-May-14 08:51:58

I think you and him are better off apart, you really don't want to be with someone who takes drugs and lies.

MorrisZapp Sun 04-May-14 08:57:45

He is leaving because he has met somebody else. You need to get lots of information about your entitlements etc. Loads of good threads on here about separation/ divorce. Good luck.

tametammy99 Sun 04-May-14 09:04:19

I should point out that he didnt do the crack just daid that cuz he couldnt tell me the truth. He used to do stuffbefore and i told him that if he did it ever again o would throw him out. he was hopong that i would react that way so i wouldnt find out that he had cheated.

tametammy99 Sun 04-May-14 09:05:47

He has also told me its just someone he 'f***s' he has no feeling for her he just didnt know how to end the relationship. our sex life was down to nothing while i was carrying my 'dirty' secret

PrimalLass Sun 04-May-14 09:06:03

Why are you having to move out?

FunnyFoot Sun 04-May-14 09:06:57

You are better off with out him. You must see from your post the real reason he left surely?

tametammy99 Sun 04-May-14 09:09:05

Because this is his sisters home we rent from her and they think its best i get somewhere of my own so i fell sercure and so that when we move he can move back in

HoldMyBag Sun 04-May-14 09:11:12

Tametammy Please stop making excuses for this man, you are much better than that. I would never take someone back who has cheated no matter what the situation or excuse was, those things are just not on. You want to be happy don't you?

Busymumto3dc Sun 04-May-14 09:11:16

Sounds to me like you both have a lot of issues. Which you probably need to deal with seperately. Focus on your kids

FunnyFoot Sun 04-May-14 09:16:03

It does not sound like you are going to listen to any advice. You are making excuses for him and you are prepared to take him back.

I don't understand what you want people to say?

Busymumto3dc Sun 04-May-14 09:16:47

Are you still both using drugs now?

tametammy99 Sun 04-May-14 09:18:25

No we arent using drugs anymore. And im not making excuses im answring ur questions with the truth that i know.

Tiredemma Sun 04-May-14 09:18:54

The whole smoking thing is largely irrelevant.

He cheated on you.

That would be more of a deal breaker to me - I wouldnt give a shit whether DP was pissed off at my smoking or not if he cheated.

Why are you not more bothered about the cheating? or have I missed something?

Busymumto3dc Sun 04-May-14 09:20:47

Ok I was just wondering if drug use was making you both act out of sorts

Offred Sun 04-May-14 09:22:24

To be honest it doesn't sound like your birth was handled very well by the HCPs, I'm not really sure why you are blaming the smoking or yourself other than your guilt feelings?

Aside from that I agree with everyone else. This is not a healthy relationship, you would be better apart.

KaFayOLay Sun 04-May-14 09:22:25

Smoking is the least of your worries.

Move on.

FobblyWoof Sun 04-May-14 09:22:50

Someone who takes crack needs to be nowhere near children. End of. Your children are much better off without a waste of space like that around them.

I understand (or at least I try to) how drugs can be an easy path for some to go down but to bring children into the situation is very selfish.

I know you feel guilty for smoking, but I hope you've addressed your drug taking since pregnancy.

You say that he doesn't want a divorce- what do you want? You don't have to let him call all the shots. You know you have a voice in this too?

Neverknowingly Sun 04-May-14 09:26:45

Sorry I am a bit confused. What was the "dirty" secret? Was it what you thought had happened to you the night your DC2 was born? In which case what has smoking got to do with anything? You must see that you are fixating on smoking and in denial about the real reasons for this mess and that says something quite alarming about what you are prepared to tolerate from this man. This relationship is very unhealthy.

Tell them you are not moving out. There is a legal process which they need to go through and you need to get child support agreed with him too. Please do not be an idiot and let him walk all over you because you "want him back".

meditrina Sun 04-May-14 09:27:19

He's being a prize shit with double standards. He's using smoking as an excuse - if it was a deal breaker, he'd have never have begun a relationship with you (and of course wouldn't smoke himself).

Basically, he's left you for his OW, but still thinks you'll be up for unprotected sex.

Don't just walk away. Run.

(I'm not usually this strident in this topic. But this sounds awful).

Fairenuff Sun 04-May-14 09:30:59

I'm sorry that you had a traumatic birth experience and I do think it might help you to talk that through with someone.

However, even if everything had gone according to plan, he would still have cheated on you. He is just using that as an excuse.

I agree with others who say you are better off apart. Concentrate on sorting out access and maintenance and finding somewhere to live.

SpecialStuff Sun 04-May-14 09:31:06

Your pregnancy and birth really have nothing to do with you splitting up 2 years later surely?!

He cheated. For me that would be inexcusable. You need to decide whether you can forgive and give it another go (if he wants that as well) or move on with your lives separately.

tametammy99 Sun 04-May-14 09:33:28

Please, he DID NOT take crack but was hoping i would throw him out so he wouldbt have to come clean about the cheating. I was just so happy he wasnt dead.
Yes we have both address our smoking of cannabis, but was smoking it everyday.
The thing is i do kinda forgive him for cheating the first time but not the 2nd or 3rd. I know what he has been saying now is the truth because he is not good at lying. not at all.

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