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MM and dirty secrets - WWYD?

(48 Posts)
dilemma101 Sat 03-May-14 15:40:35

Hi,

Long time lurker and first time poster, I just wrote out a huge post which took hours with a back story and for some reason when it came to posting I lost the lot ... angry I will try to write it all down again when I get a chance but to cut a very very long story short please help with WYWD. Having read a lot of the posts in the Relationship section your opinion would be appreciated.

My husband has a good friend lets call him Ben, Ben is a Dr, at the top of his game and well respected, we don't really socialise together and I have never met his wife but she is also a Dr and works around the family, they have 3 children under 16. I know him but not well and we don't really know his wife, other than we know she is a lovely lady and great mother. They are both in their 40's.

So over the last few years my husband has known him he has talked of using prostitutes, tells my husband stories of a 'friend' of his who has a transgender prostitute come round and give his friend blowjobs as men know how to do it better and its the best of both worlds, talks of his upbringing (all boys boarding school) and the things boys got up to. My DH laughs it off and tells me and I just tell him that I think the guy is a sleaze and his poor wife has no idea who her husband actually is and what he may be bringing home to her. Apparently this man has had multiple affairs and is the type that is always sleazy around younger girls, thinks he can charm them with his 'down with the kids' attitude and they will be over awed by his job title.

To the outside world he is a loving caring father and husband, 5 star holidays, the big house the fancy cars etc. DH knows his wife has no idea of who her husband actually is. The other night DH was telling me that Ben was claiming to colleagues and had told his wife he had to go away on particular dates to a conference but told my DH he was away to watch lots of naked people(?) doing some protest thing. The guy is an out and out dirty man and the more I hear of him the more I want to let his wife know somehow what he is up to. I saw his wife in the supermarket once and she had this sadness behind her eyes and my heart just went out to her. I know its not my place and I could never tell DH I was contemplating this as he would tell me to stay out of it, but I really feel for her. This is just the tip of the iceberg with this man. And no my Dh would never say anything to him as according to my DH the guy obviously has issues and its none of his business.

WWYD? Please don't re quote this in case I wish to delete post as he could be quite identifiable from the little I've said.

Thanks all.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 03-May-14 15:51:41

Why is your DH even bothering with this grubby little man? Ever heard the phrase... 'you can judge a man by the company he keeps'?

meditrina Sat 03-May-14 15:54:16

Slightly tangential, but I was wondering (as he is such a good friend of DH) why you have never met her?

And how directl do you know any of this? Is is all hearsay from your DH, or have you heard Ben himself talking about any of it?

Whatever direction your thinking is taking you, I think you may first have to talk to DH about it. For unless you are contemplating anonymous letter, you (and by extension he) could get caught up in the fall out in all sorts of ways and he should have the chance for input before that happens.

dilemma101 Sat 03-May-14 15:54:43

I know, they work together and a few of them have an after work hobby that after a few drinks they get talking.

dilemma101 Sat 03-May-14 15:58:39

He is a friend of DH through work and probably through hearing some of the stories about Ben i've never really wanted him around. We have no children yet and her life revolves around her children's activities and other friends so not really come about.

DeckSwabber Sat 03-May-14 15:59:00

Maybe she does know. Or it may be a fantasy and he gets off on telling your husband whatever he like.

To be honest it sounds like a huge can of worms and I'd stay clear if I was you. It could hurt your husband if they work together and news got back that it was you (or your husband) that spilled the beans.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 03-May-14 15:59:04

If your DH had any sense he would tell this sleazeball to stop including him in his grubby revelations and keep his nasty sex-life to himself. Clearly it's not just impressionable young girls that are awed by his job title. The man needs an audience of fawning admirers who won't spill the beans and your DH is demeaning himself by going along with it. hmm

badbaldingballerina123 Sat 03-May-14 16:04:55

Clearly your husband hasn't ever expressed any negative feelings about this to his friend. I would forget the wife and ask yourself why your husband listens to this and why he socialise with this sort of person. It's telling that your husband laughs it off.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 03-May-14 16:06:58

Stay out of it, it's none of your damned business. It might be different if you actually knew this lady but you don't.

I'd be asking my husband to severely limit his contact with this degenerate

dilemma101 Sat 03-May-14 16:08:56

DH works alongside him, they have a friendship through work and another hobby (golf) DH knows what I think of the guy, even DH thinks that it gets uncomfortable when they are having drinks that he tries to chat up any waitress passing by, but I can't tell my DH who he can and cannot speak to as I understand he has to see this man everyday.

My thoughts were just something along the lines of emailing his wife and saying she perhaps start accompanying him on his 'work' trips. I know it sounds stupid but I feel so bad for her. and I was thinking if it was me would I want to know what my husband was up to whilst I was completely oblivious.

BaconSarniePlease Sat 03-May-14 16:13:35

Have you told your DH how much these stories are upsetting you?

As for everything else, keep your neb out. Who would you be helping? Not your husband and certainly not the fella's wife. She might be all to aware of it all and even if she isn't, it would be humiliation on top of humiliation to know other people were aware of her husband's behaviour. Who would you say something to? You don't know the woman very well, that's the crux of it, really. If it was your mate or family member, it'd be different. As for spotting her looking all sad in the supermarket, well, maybe she always looks like that. Or maybe the supermarket just pisses her off.

For all you know, it's all lies anyway (not your DH's lies, but the fella making stuff up/ embellishing)

meditrina Sat 03-May-14 16:13:56

If she 's too bound up in her DC that you've felt unable to include her in any social occasion since your DH has known Ben, she's unlikely to be able to accompany him on trips, is she?

I think CES makes good points about why your DH tolerates Ben's grubby bragging. It's not compulsory to put up with sleazy conversation whilst at work, playing golf or have a drink afterwards. Why is your DH unable to change the conversation?

CoffeeTea103 Sat 03-May-14 16:15:29

Op I really would stay out of it. In our group of friends, one couple have a similar situation. We all know he visits strip clubs, but none of the other dh's in our group have been with him so we don't know exactly what he gets up to there. I feel really bad for my friend as we all know, talk about it and she is totally clueless.
But the reason none of us have said anything is because she previously forgave him for something totally unacceptable. It really shocked us so nobody wants to get involved. Seriously this mans wife may already know! You don't know what people are willing to put up with really.

Twinklestein Sat 03-May-14 16:18:50

I'm generally on the side of telling wives of sleazebags if their sexual health is at risk, but this situation is far too delicate for you to get involved. If this guy works with your husband the consequences could be dire.

If the wife has sad eyes she must know something's not right, and in the end only she can change her life.

I don't see why your husband has to socialise with him outside work though. I'm surprised he'd want to be around him any more than he had to tbh.

BaconSarniePlease Sat 03-May-14 16:19:58

I understand that there'd be a certain amount of unavoidable socialising with this fella through work but why is your DH spending so much time with him? If it's coz he feels obliged to because of his job, and
I can't think of any other reason why your DH would be friends with this man as he sounds odious, then imagine how it would affect your husband's work environment.

In fact, have you told your DH you're considering telling odious man's wife?

dilemma101 Sat 03-May-14 16:20:28

He does change the conversation and its not all the time but over the years the things he has told me have made me realise how bad I feel for this woman I don't personally know but do feel bad for.

Thanks for your input, yes perhaps better to stay out of it.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sat 03-May-14 16:21:07

It's entirely possible that if half of what he says he gets up to is true he's pretty much guaranteed to be equally as degenerate in their bedroom. In any case none of this is any of your business and should stay that way. If hearing about this stuff upsets you, then ask your husband not to disclose any more of it to you.

meditrina Sat 03-May-14 16:21:20

BTW, my general angle on these situations is that the spouse deserves to know and thus to be able to make decisions on their lives in possession of all the major pieces of relevant information. It's Ben's actions, not those of the bringer of news, that have to potential to devastate.

I just don't see how you can do it kindy, based on hearsay and in the way you suggested.

badbaldingballerina123 Sat 03-May-14 16:21:39

There's no way I'd listen to this filth and in your shoes I'd be questioning my husband's choice of friends and personal boundrys. Some of this stuff about prostitutes is pretty disgusting .

The issue here isn't Ben's wife. The issue is that your husband is friends with a dirt bag , and that shows that regardless of what your husband says to you about it , your husbands ok with it.

Presumably Ben isn't going around telling everyone this stuff , just your husband. Ask yourself why this is.

dilemma101 Sat 03-May-14 16:24:49

Twinklestein, Coffee Tea thank you, yes I feel bad for her and I have no idea how much she knows of her husbands extramartial sexcapades. I have told DH that I think his wife has a right to know but no I have not said I have thought about telling her.

dilemma101 Sat 03-May-14 16:29:02

They see each other everyday at work but perhaps once or twice a month with other colleagues/friends for golf so not every day all day. My DH and some other collegues do think of Ben as having his issues and as I suppose some men are don't really want to get all that involved in knowing more or in fact shunning as it doesn't really affect them.

dilemma101 Sat 03-May-14 16:31:01

ballerina, yes I find his views digusting too.

BaconSarniePlease Sat 03-May-14 16:36:20

If your husband does have to keep on socialising with him, I'd ask him not to relate anything Ben says.

I know you only have Ben's wife's best interests at heart but in this case I don't think interfering would help her in any way and it certainly wouldn't help your husband. For a start, how would you approach her? What would you actually say? Sending a semi-cryptic e mail about accompanying him more on business trips would be very easy for him to explain and make you look like a bit if a nutter in their eyes.

Cleanthatroomnow Sat 03-May-14 16:53:57

And not sure what being a Dr has to do with any of this. Sadly you get sleezy individuals in all professions.

Jessi1972 Sat 03-May-14 17:10:28

Hi I'm new to this so I'm really sorry if I upset anyone - it isn't my intention
Dilemma101 from what I've read between the lines so to speak it seems to me like you and DH have an incredibly close relationship because he is talking about this sensitive/upsetting subject with you in the first place, his partner/best friend (Hun, you should be beaming from that alone :-) )
As for the subject matter - I would say that maybe the only actions you can take or be is a sounding board for him to discuss this with, frustrating I know, but think of this way; we really don't know the other people involved in the situation do we? For all we know the wife could be doing the same thing and was pissed off because she had to do the shopping when she could be seeing another boyfriend/kids stuff/getting her nails done/living the life he pays for. The wife might already know but might be bound by a clause in a pre-nup agreement - who knows? NONE OF US.
I really think the best thing to do here is carry on listening and understand that DH might just need to off load because he finds it upsetting and frustrating as he can't do anything about the situation either.

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