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My mum has ruined my first days with my second baby. Long and moany.

(58 Posts)

I had DC2 on Thursday and got home from hospital last night. My parents came to visit us on the ward at the first available opportunity on Thursday and my mum came in again that evening while my dad minded DC1 for us. That evening, it became clear my mum was intending for her and my dad to come to our house today, our first day at home.

I asked her to hold off and give us our first day to recover and be together at home as a family of four for the first time. She wasn't happy, kept pushing me and accusing me of trying to keep my dad out. I was WTF? at this until I found out yesterday that my dad hadn't even held the baby yet as my mum had hogged her the entire visit - I hadn't noticed. In spite of our conversation she then apparently informed my DH that they would be coming round on Saturday.

My dad came in to see us yesterday afternoon (Friday) while my mum was working so managed to get a good cuddle. Just after this DH reiterated to my dad about us wanting a quiet day with no visitors today. We were discharged late evening yesterday. She had texted me normally during the day and I had responded normally saying we were fine, waiting for discharge.

I thought it odd that she hadn't been in touch last night or this morning to ask if we got home ok/how the first night was etc. Then I had a panicked secret call earlier from my dad while she was in the shower. She was in a complete state all last night, crying, they are being denied access to my baby, nobody wants her or loves her, she might as well end it all. He was begging for them to be allowed to visit tomorrow as he couldn't handle this. I was so shocked. I had every intention of them visiting tomorrow and said this.

I was pretty angry too at what I feel to be a ridiculous overreaction to having to wait one day when they've already met her twice in her first few hours. I see it as emotional blackmail and manipulation, which she has a history of - her feelings have always been very easily hurt and I've always had to do things I didn't want to in order not to upset her. She does have a tendency to make things about her and has a set idea of how she wants things to be that you have to go along with, e.g. I'm her only DD so we always had to have shopping days together (never my thing), she had to do certain things as a grandmother whether we wanted her to or not, constantly buying stuff for the DCs meaning we couldn't.

Later this morning my dad called again with my mum's knowledge this time. He asked (performing for her benefit) about coming to visit tomorrow. I said yes, I had assumed you would be. He then asked after me and the baby very briefly and I heard him ask my mum if she wanted a word, which she refused! I said goodbye and hung up, upset.

Now I want to call her and say if you're not talking to me because I don't want visitors today, you're not coming at all. But this would inflame things and might make the situation irretrievable. However I am so angry and hurt that she has put her desire to be supergran and see my new baby as much as possible over what we want, and me, her daughter who has just had a second baby and is going through the first few newborn days again with DC1 to think of too. Is this really my mum, is this what she has always been? It's all I can think of when I should be enjoying my new baby, recovering and starting our new life with DC1 and DH. I don't feel I can let it pass. How can I when she actually refused to speak to me on the phone?

The comments about nobody loving her must refer to the fact that the extended family can't go away for her significant birthday this month as I've just had a baby, DB1 travels internationally for work and is unavoidably away, and DB2 has recently moved to the other side of the world and can't come back till later in the year for a delayed celebration. Bad timing but surely she can see we can't do anything about it and really the reasons are all positive things meaning her three DC are getting on well in their lives. Also, we live under an hour away and see my parents most weeks, at least once a week, so they are far from hard done by re contact with me and our DC1.

I know this is long, detailed and dull and really just needed to get it down. I don't know what to do now. Call her? Call my dad? (they are out so would have to call one of their mobiles). I am not apologising or justifying asking them to wait till tomorrow so what am I calling for? She's not going to accept she's behaved abominably, is she. And actually given what my dad said about her 'breakdown' last night I'm concerned about her mental health.

BillyBanter Sun 04-May-14 13:03:40

Don't give in to her emotional blackmail. Ignore her meltdown. Say thank you for coming today and leaving us in peace yesterday, it was very considerate of them. If emotional blackmail pays off for her she'll keep doing it. If it doesn't then she'll either stop or 'punish' you by going no contact. What is difficult is she will take it out on your dad so then he'll be pleading with you to comply with her.

I'd be tempted to work on your father. Maybe refer him to the mankind website. If you can persuade him to leave his abusive wife then you can cut contact with her if you so choose while still maintaining a relationship with him!

Ohh yes, Billy - that is the perfect thing to say! It compliments them and doesn't allow her the leeway to complain about being excluded! Inspired!

FunkyBoldRibena Sun 04-May-14 13:33:24

I imagine she told your dad to secretly call you. It's all part of the plot.

AiryFairyHairyAndScary Sun 04-May-14 14:43:18

My Mum is lovely but she did go a bit barmy when I had my kids. She was ridiculously emotional rather than being unpleasant but I did find her extreme gushiness and fussing tiresome. I was quite blunt with her and would tell her to butt out as she had already had her chance to be a mother with me and my siblings and now it was my turn. Luckily we get on well but she needed to be told to back off a bit.

Bonsoir Sun 04-May-14 14:45:54

Crikey. It's all about her, isn't it?

spatchcock Sun 04-May-14 14:50:51

What a headfuck. I would try to be serenely detached and let the game play itself out in your mum's head. Don't be drawn in.

Congrats!

AveryJessup Sun 04-May-14 17:17:42

Ugh. I sympathize Postman. Narcissistic / emotionally manipulative mothers seem to just go into overdrive when a grandchild is born. What was she like when your first was born? Same manipulation but less drama because you played along with her game?

This is what my mother is like too. Everything is fine as long as we all play along with what she wants. If you don't, then the tears start, the recriminations, the 'I've wasted my life' stuff. When my DS was born she got the hump because my ILs saw the baby first. Which might have been reasonable if they both lived down the road but my parents lived in a different country while ILs live about a 3 hour drive away.

I (stupidly) mentioned my ILs to my mother and her voice turned to ice on the phone and dark hints of doom were made. I had been holding off on my parents' visit as long as I could because they are hard work and I had had a hard birth but eventually I relented under the pressure so they came to visit a week after the birth. As soon as she was there, my mother was in the sulks, sat there angrily making passive-aggressive comments about everything, snide remarks about how spoiled the baby was etc. Eventually both of them blew up at me and accused me of being selfish and entitled and not putting them first.. so upsetting when I had a newborn to take care of. I still blame the stress of it all for my inability to establish bf properly with DS.

Suffice to say that because I didn't do things like she wanted, my mother ended her trip after 3 days, screaming at me on my doorstep that the next time I'd see her would be her funeral... hmm. It was all incredibly traumatic at the time but now I live very far away from them, see them at most once a year and that's fine with me.

I think there are certain women who invest a lot in the role of motherhood and become obsessional about it. It becomes all about them and control rather than nurturing their children. It's a very sick dynamic. The best thing you can do is detach, refuse to play her games and then just remain civil while ignoring the tantrums. Kind of like you do with toddlers really...

nearlyreadyforstatelyhomes Mon 05-May-14 10:16:28

How's it going postman?

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