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time to be honest :-(

(25 Posts)
ALovelyBunch0fCoconuts Sat 03-May-14 09:06:13

I've posted here a few times for advice over the months as I feel my relationship with dh is falling apart.

in my previous threads I've always said things were mostly ok but they haven't been and it's time to face the music.

things started going wrong from the beginning really. I was needy and had low self esteem. I had come out of an abusive relationship and he was there. he was safe and reliable and he didn't hurt me. it was all for the wrong reasons. but I did fall in love with him and we got engaged.

we suffered an mc and got through it and then had dd. in those first couple of years he was quite controlling with money and his job definitely came first (he has since admitted this).

after dd was born he was caught sexting another woman he met online. he lied to my face about it and I believed his lies. this was when dd was 8 weeks old. I discovered the truth a couple of months after that and tried to move on and forgive. he didn't support me with dd with night feeds etc but did start to step up when she was about 18m old and things improved dramatically. we got married when she was 2.

fast forward to when dd was 3 and we had ds. I was a sahm this whole time and it all started getting on top of me. I was very ill during pregnancy with ds and he was in and out of hospital for the first couple of months of his life. still his job was more important. he didnt take any time off to be there for me or his newborn son.

when ds was 15m old and health much improved we moved house. I decorated and scrubbed the whole house every day for four weeks while watching a toddler and doing a school run all on my own while he was working. again, no support.

when ds turned 2 I decided enough was enough and I got myself a job. this was only 6m ago. it has dramatically improved my life and my sense of worth. im more confident and outgoing and independent. now I feel like ive completely outgrown him.

he does have many good points. hes a brilliant dad and provides wonderfully for our family always doing little surprises for me etc. he idolises me.

in the last month or two things have got worse as ive realised there is no spark between us. I dont feel like im in this for the right reasons. I feel like ive put a face on for the past 6 years since the sexting trying to forgive amd forget and trying to be a family. now that mask is slipping. im on medication for anxiety and I feel so ill when im around him.

youll see from my past posts that there has been difficulties with him not trusting a male friend of mine and this was the catalyst in my realising that he was trying to control me and then I questioned every thing else.

sorry for the length of this its just nice to get it all down on paper so to speak.

its the end of the road isnt it?

Hissy Sat 03-May-14 09:13:11

I really think you would benefit from talking to a counsellor about the abuse you suffered the text-cheating and the fact that you've had to put aside your feelings in everything and carry on.

You need to be heard. You are waking up and you need to have all your questions answered.

Where that will take you, who knows, but it will be a less anxious and more contented place.

ALovelyBunch0fCoconuts Sat 03-May-14 09:16:47

I dont think it's salvageable. sad

Women often write the "he's a brilliant dad" comment when they themselves can write nothing at all positive about their man. You cannot write anything positive about him. He's no brilliant dad at all; he's hardly been there for his children particularly in the early days of their lives. He did not take much if any time off and put his work first.

I would state too that your H is the root cause of your anxiety issues.

ALovelyBunch0fCoconuts Sat 03-May-14 09:31:59

my feelings have never come first because ive always worrried about hurting his feelings or upsetting the kids.

there is no fun or excitement. we go on days out and watch movies etc but it doesn't feel the same any more. when he hugs me it's like hugging a friend. sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 03-May-14 09:34:36

It does sound like the end of the road. As you say, you got into the relationship for probably the wrong reasons in the first place, he badly damaged your trust early on and it's been downhill from there. Your new-found confidence is clearly a threat to him and the behaviour over the male friend has 'last straw' written all over it. I'm not saying you've had your head in the sand up to now but your stress and anxiety will have not been helped by the fact that you've tried to 'move on' & ignore your feelings for so long. Pretence is very stressful.

Do you have anyone you can confide in?

ALovelyBunch0fCoconuts Sat 03-May-14 09:37:14

No nobody. nobody at all.

sat here crying on the sofa in front of the kids.

we had crisis talks the other night and instead of splitting I decided to keep trying but I just can't cope with the anxiety any more. I dont want to break his heart. I dont want to change the kids' lives.

on a practical level I would be screwed money wise and childcare wise. its such a mess.

ALovelyBunch0fCoconuts Sat 03-May-14 09:38:04

and cogito I really have had my head in the sand

fifi669 Sat 03-May-14 09:49:24

No excuse for the sexting....

But... With the other bits I think you're being a bit harsh on him. When your first was in and out of hospital maybe he felt the only control he had over the situation was to being in the money for the family? He prob felt helpless and did the only thing he could to have some control. With regards to doing the school run etc with a toddler and him not taking time off. You were a SAHP so that's the package surely?

When push comes to shove though only you know if you don't love him anymore. Some relationships can't be saved. I personally would try some sort of couples counselling first before making a decision. If only for the children. If nothing comes of that you can say you tried.

ALovelyBunch0fCoconuts Sat 03-May-14 09:53:15

I didnt complain about the school run. I complained about single handedly decorating a whole house on my own whilst fitting it it with a toddler/school run. it exhausted me and I lost 2 stone in a month.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 03-May-14 10:02:10

Not wanting to hurt others is commendable, but not when it's at the expense of your own health and happiness. It's clear you have other fears about separating... money, childcare etc.... and they are serving to enhance your doubts. I'm sorry you don't have anyone to confide in because I think what you're missing is someone who believes in you.... including yourself.

ALovelyBunch0fCoconuts Sat 03-May-14 10:04:47

I dont trust my own judgement. what if I make this decision based on my own feelings but I hurt everyone elses in the process.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 03-May-14 10:15:13

We can all of us only make decisions based on our own feelings and judgement. It's important to think things through, of course, but there comes a point where constructive thinking becomes time-wasting prevarication and that's when you need the courage of your convictions.

If we never make a tough decision purely because we fear getting it wrong the result is stagnation and frustration.... being at the mercy of events rather than being in control. Very stressful and depressing.

ALovelyBunch0fCoconuts Sat 03-May-14 10:17:38

on a practical level what help can I get re childcare and benefits? I feel like I need to know this stuff first.

fifi669 Sat 03-May-14 10:34:35

www.hmrc.gov.uk/taxcredits/payments-entitlement/entitlement/question-how-much.htm

Try the tax credit calculator. Put in your income details should you break up.

You'll also get single person reduction for council tax. If you live in rented accommodation you could get help with council tax or housing benefit.

Under the old rules with 2 DC you'd get 20% of DHs net income for the children. It's a bit different now but that's a rough guide. CSA doesn't count towards income for benefit purposes.

ALovelyBunch0fCoconuts Sat 03-May-14 10:45:47

thanks thats helpful.

still feel terrible. cant concentrate and cant sit still. feel so anxious. he works nights so is asleep til midday so cant talk til later.

something2say Sat 03-May-14 11:08:42

It reads to me as tho you have a problem and try to carry on as tho you don't. Seems that's been a pattern. All it means is you drag a heap of shit behind you and none of it ever gets sorted out.

ALovelyBunch0fCoconuts Sat 03-May-14 11:16:14

spot on really. why do I do it to myself?!

Mum4Fergus Sat 03-May-14 11:53:30

'He idolises me' ... Er, no. He does anything but OP.

something2say Sat 03-May-14 12:03:37

Choosing not to face up to things.
Letting the days pass when big things happen and we fail so sit down and work out what they mean, and then choose course wisely.
Just ploughing on and hoping for the best.
Sailing with no sails up I guess.
X you'll be alright. How much does it hurt? Enough to sit down and be honest with yourself, and then build a new life with the pieces that are left?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 03-May-14 12:48:57

'why do I do it to myself?'

It's not a wholly conscious choice, I expect. You behave this way because, in spite of your new found independence, you lack confidence and your self-esteem is low i.e. you think other people's needs are more important than yours. This makes you uncomfortable with the idea of sticking your neck out, being assertive and risking being disliked. Old habits die hard

You are clearly not ready to make the break yet and that's entirely normal and understandable. But if a break is your goal, this is the time to make preparations towards it. Do some research about things like finances. See where you'd stand with accommodation, shared parenting and so forth. Knowledge can give you strength

MummyAbroad Sat 03-May-14 14:31:21

coconuts hello after such a long time, and thank you for all your wonderful support when I had an mc. thanks

so sorry to hear about your problems, it sounds very similar to my own situation (split from DH three years ago after realising that he was controlling, unsupportive and abusive)

Please remember, any decision you make doesn't have to be made quickly. It took me a good few months after realising "it was time to be honest" before i actually ended it. During that time, I read books (Why Does He Do That, by Lundy Bancroft, was really insightful) and went to counselling as well as starting anti depressants. By the time I had done a lot of talking about it I was able to feel really confident with my decision, no wavering, and I have never regretted it.

I would strongly suggest doing counselling for yourself, not couples counselling. Couples counselling only works if both people are basically OK, but if there are other issues, e.g. your anxiety, his controlling nature, then it can do more harm than good. You need to be looked after, helped and supported first, then you can look at your relationship after that. Counselling can be expensive, but it is the best money i have ever spent in my life. What price would you put on happiness?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 03-May-14 15:34:45

ive always worrried about hurting his feelings or upsetting the kids.
what if I make this decision based on my own feelings but I hurt everyone elses in the process.

Moving on, forgiving and forgetting hasn't worked, has it.
Putting others first hasn't worked, has it.

Those trust issues you mention, you must have been resentful he felt this way considering you had forgiven him for inappropriate behaviour online and sexting six years' previously. Things got better after she reached 18m and you went on to have DS but has that episode been eating away at you? May I ask how long you've been on medication for anxiety?

Going back to employment was a major step which you haven't regretted. It might have improved things temporarily but wasn't long lasting.

You say DH idolises you now, that can be suffocating of itself. Are you secretly worried you aren't deserving? Do you worry it's actually only transitory and he will soon tire of this so you'd rather be the one to get rid first?

It is scarey and feels selfish to figure out what you need, what you want and how soon you go after it. But as MummyAbroad so wisely says,
remember, any decision you make doesn't have to be taken quickly.

Some women decide to wait until their youngest has moved out or at least finished school before jumping ship. It's either a half life or a constructive period planning and preparing and saving up, depending on which way you look at it. As soon as you or DH meet someone else, that complicates things massively. This would make me think it would be better if you are resolved to finish to not wait another decade.

ALovelyBunch0fCoconuts Sun 04-May-14 08:26:19

Really appreciate all your messages.

ive asked for a separation. I know that's the right thing to do. I need to think of me first. ive broken his heart and that hurts like hell but I feel a weight's been lifted.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 04-May-14 10:13:11

Better he has a broken heart for a while than you endure a broken life. Good luck

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