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I know it's partly because I'm ill & everything is worse when you're ill but...I am raging.

(300 Posts)

I can't be arsed to name change.

Long story short, been with my partner for almost 2 years. We don't live together but are saving up. I've had lots of health issues this year (MH related, a cervical erosion cauterization & biopsy that lead to the diagnoses of precancerous cells which will be treated in a few weeks and an unexplained bowel issue that is being investigated and I've already had a laparoscopy for). To DP's credit although it's not been easy at times he's been very supportive.

This time last year there was a hockey festival (it's on the same time every year and lasts from fri to sunday and involves a few games of hockey and getting very very pissed every night...so fun hmm ). He let me down last year by getting so drunk he can't remember coming home (I was waiting for him at his) and was very upset he'd lost it. I'm of the opinion that it's disrespectful to get that drunk in a relationship as you're putting yourself at risk. I wouldn't do it to him etc. He agreed and we moved on.

Well it's festival time again and all was well until I got a call at 4:30 asking if he could come to mine as his 'mates' ditched him. He didn't sound pissed though. But no, he stinks and is dead to the world, stinking the house out...

His phone went off and I guessed it was his friends making sure he was ok (he told me he just walked off hmm) so I went to reply, pressed the wrong button bloody touch screen and up popped a download picture of a naked woman (suicide girls photo, sort of soft porn).

And he's one of those 'Oh I'd never watch porn, I don't fancy skinny girls I'm a size 14 since DS and we have sex loads so I don't need to do anything in between' hmm

It's not a massive issue as I then looked at his history (not very mature I know) and found nothing similar in the last month but I now feel like shit and like waking him up and telling him to fuck off.

I also have a stinking cold so probably being OTT.

I've just got so much on my plate health wise, and DS wise and life wise brew brew brew

I also left it so when he opens his phone it'll be on that picture...I should probably close it but I'm too angry to care atm tbh

It's just early and I just want to cry but can't because DS is awake.

I felt shit enough before all this.

He's 27 so has surely had enough practice to know when he's 'too pissed'. I know when I am ffs and I'm 23 hmm

I'm going into town once it's 9 and everything's open to clear my head a bit and get a nice top I've been eyeing up for ages.

I don't really know what to do other than just seethe until I've calmed down...

PrimalLass Sat 03-May-14 06:30:05

I think you are overreacting if he only goes out and gets hammered like this once a year. I am really not seeing the problem there.

Busymumto3dc Sat 03-May-14 06:30:43

Tip some nice cold water over him

It's more because I'm ill and he rocked up at 4:30 without asking...and was very shitfaced.

Not the lovely relaxing weekend with just me and DS I was planning really...

(I was actually looking forward to a nice early night with the whole bed to myself but was updated with what a shit night he was having every few hours and then that.

I'd deal with it better if I wasn't knackered, sure brew

I was just ranting into the aether more than anything else).

I also live in a 1 bed with DS (I have a sofa bed).

So he is stinking up my living room and taking up 99% of the floor space.

I can't wake him for love or money either.

Busymumto3dc Sat 03-May-14 06:34:57

Have you tried water?

Ludways Sat 03-May-14 06:36:07

I also don't see an issue here. He gets pissed once a year, I can't see how that is disrespectful.

Also, wouldn't be overly bothered about the picture, I'd probably just tease dh that I'd seen it and then mention at a later date that I didn't like it but then I'd leave it.

You shouldn't have snooped. Classic reaction!

I don't really feel up to shouting match so no, not yet. (He's bad enough when he's just plain tired, let alone 3hrs drunk sleep tired).

I'll ring him when I'm out with DS and ask him to leave then. Then I will try and enjoy the weekend like I planned I guess.

icklekid Sat 03-May-14 06:37:17

Bit confused as in your first post you said he did ask?

I think a day time chat about expectations shen going out/ getting drunk is needed- ie, you don't want to see him if he does it until he is sober and a separate conversation about porn,

I had to have a similar one with dh- really out of character was surprised, but really upset! Ended up ok in end.

Maybe wait until you aren't ill if that helps thanks

knowledgeispower Sat 03-May-14 06:39:25

If he can't control himself what can you do? You can't change him. I'd at the very least hold out on moving in with him. It is disrespectful to turn up at your house drunk at 4:30, on a bank holiday weekend with you and ds sleeping.

I pressed the wrong bloody button. I'd have gladly not seen it, innocence is bliss and all that. His friends had been ringing on/off for half an hour trying to see if he was ok. I texted them back on his phone but the top bar (it's a galaxy) is next to the bit that shows up messages etc.

I haven't 'snooped' in the whole 2 years. Never felt the need to actually hmm

As I said, I'm not bothered about him going out. I'm bothered about him getting so pissed he's almost incoherant (he lives by a canal, so it's very dumb) and just rocking up in that state when I have a small DS.

We had the porn chat a year ago. That's when he said all the stuff I mentioned in the first post.

He called me at 4:30 and said he was outside but didn't want to ring the doorbell. He didn't sound that pissed at all which should've almost impossible and I wasn't really awake as he woke me up ringing me.

I know I'm being a bit OTT, I'm just not having the greatest time as it is and was hoping I could use this weekend to 'recover' a bit and spend time with just me and DS IYSWIM? Nevermind...

*been almost impossible

Am now in DS's bedroom with him as there isn't really any room in the living room when the bed's out plus it's super stinky

Busymumto3dc Sat 03-May-14 06:45:25

Nothin worse than a stinky drunk

It's just a bit rank. I wouldn't have let him in if I'd known it'd be that bad.

You live and you learn...

knowledgeispower Sat 03-May-14 06:51:53

Sounds to me like you have a complete read on the situation and I'd trust your gut instinct. Good luck OP.

Luckily it's finally a sunny day! I'll dose up on Lemsip and take DS to the park in a bit. Everythign is better when you're outdoors, even if you are a snotty mess hmm grin

Just a bit dissapointed that he couldn't just use his brain a bit and leave me out of it. I knew he'd get 'messy' this weekend. They all do. But I don't fancy picking up the pieces.

That cpiture was just the random cherry on the cake IYSWIM rather than a massive issue.

Just felt like a double slap at the time. brew

Slainte Sat 03-May-14 07:06:10

What does suicide girl photo mean?

Most of it's soft stuff but they seem to put up more hardcore stuff elsewhere on the web (googled it this morning as I didn't know what it was). You learn something new every day...

SanityClause Sat 03-May-14 07:09:07

You are very wise not to try to have this out with him whilst he is drunk. There is no arguing with a drunk person!

I remember from another thread that he is not DS's father. So, while you have that maturity that comes from being responsible for a small person, he doesn't. And some people never get it, particularly men, because our society doesn't necessarily expect it of them. (Many men do, before I get jumped on!)

I would be very concerned about moving in with him, if he thinks this is acceptable, particularly as you don't. (And I am with you on that, although others will disagree.)

When he is sober, you need to discuss this with him. He needs to understand that your first responsibility is to your son, and that he needs to fit in with that. If he "must" get steaming drunk, he needs to do it somewhere else, where it will not impact on you or DS. And once you have moved in together, and finances are more entwined, that will be almost impossible.

He needs to make a choice - how important is it to do this, compared to how important is it to be a part of your family.

Re the porn - could someone have sent it to him as a "lads joke"? Anyway, I suppose that's the subject of another conversation you need to have, if you have different attitudes to porn.

In he meantime, enjoy your shopping.

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