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I am an awful person

(54 Posts)
JokersGiggle Fri 02-May-14 09:21:38

I'm going through my 5th MC. Had scan yesterday that dp couldn't make as work couldn't spare him ( Story of our relationship! I advise people to never get involved with someone in the emergency services)
So found out that i'm loosing twins and that i'm further along by 2 Weeks than I thought.
Went down to his work (often do to drop off cake or something) he was out on a call and I ended up crying on a poor new guy who had never seen Mr before. Bless him he was sweet - carried me into the crew room, kicked the other guys out, gave me tissues, tea and a biscuit and told me to take my time and he'd be just outside the door if I needed him.
I went home afteran hour but realised it might get back to dp so called and told him in a voicemail rather than wait for him to get home.
He texted later to say he needed time to get his head around things, he'd go for a walk after work, be home late, I should go to bed, we'd chat in the morning. So I spent the day alone, scared and in pain.
I heard him come in smelling of beer at 3am. Let him sleep til 8 then thought I'd make coffee to get him up with. But there is loads of zombie nation stuff on the table. Googled it and it seems he spent last night running around London being chased by people dressed as zombies with a group of people from work. Needless to say I was upset, so asked him about it and he said "just because you can't hold a pregnancy doesn't mean I can't have fun once in a while"
And I snapped.
And I slapped him sad not hard but still a slap. that's the first time i've done anything like that. Never even sworn at him before sad I feel devastated at my own behaviour.
I grabbed the dog (cos carry a 5st dog while your MCing and only weigh 7st 7 yourself is a really smart thing to do.) And i'm now sitting with my horse and dog in a stable in my pjs.
I know I shouldn't have snapped but what he did was mean and what he said broke my heart.
He's called me and left a message saying he doesn't think that at all, it just slipped out, he's sorry, can I forgive him, and made a joke about the 1ft height difference and being amazed I could even reach to slap him.
can't believe I slapped him.
What do I do? Other people will be here soon and will think I've lost the plot if they see me like this sad

JokersGiggle Fri 02-May-14 17:20:11

Congrat squiz

squizita Fri 02-May-14 15:39:53

...currently 22 weeks, as in ongoing and still pregnant, btw. smile

squizita Fri 02-May-14 15:39:28

I second what rivertam said. thanks 22 weeks after several losses, all down to that team.

I would agree with PP about counselling too. My DH also reacted weirdly to my losses (e.g. angrily and insistently refusing to believe I had a partial molar when I had been diagnosed at one point), like he wanted me to be mistaken - there wasn't a problem, I just had very 3 month long cycles.
Although he never did anything like OPs DH, there were some things we needed to work through.

Don't give up hope. thanks

RiverTam Fri 02-May-14 15:20:25

oh, poo. I'm so sorry. For what it's worth the treatment that was successful with DD hasn't been since unfortunately (2 more like you), but I just can't go through anymore so we have accepted (kind of!) that she is our one-and-only 100% pppfb!

Fingers crossed for your latest test results.

(thanks paris)

TinyTear Fri 02-May-14 15:02:59

RiverTam at St Mary's my results came back normal... bah!

I have had my DD (my miracle) and 2 further mcs... waiting to go and get tested for NK cells in a couple of months as St Mary's don't test for that...

I have a 5/1 rate of success as well...

fromparistoberlin73 Fri 02-May-14 14:53:51

RiverTam

flowers

RiverTam Fri 02-May-14 14:41:48

I can't promise anything but I would really recommend Professor Lesley Regan's Recurrent Miscarriage clinic at St Mary's Paddington, it is (I believe) the leading RM clinic in this country, if not Europe. After my 5th MC, when I was basically being sent away with a pat on my head and a 'well, there's no reason why your next pregnancy shouldn't be successful' - err, 5 pregnancies, 5 MCs? Riiiight) we got our GP (who was underwhelmed by the hospital by this point too) to refer us as private patients, and we were seen a couple of months later. I won't go into the ins and outs as everyone's case is different, but suffice to say that following tests and treatments carried out by a consultant there, we had DD. They did far more tests than our local hospital and actually came up with treatment.

fromparistoberlin73 Fri 02-May-14 14:32:06

forgive yourself
forgive him
please xx

I am so sorry OP, what a shitty thing. there really are no words.

god bless you, and I hope that things work out, as (beleive it or not) they sometimes do

xxxx

Doodleloomoo Fri 02-May-14 14:28:17

You were wrong to slap him. I'd have done the same.

Don't focus on that. Focus on yourself, your health, and when you are back on your feet - your relationship. Don't make the mistake of letting one thing you did wrong (losing your temper) overshadow his wrongdoings. Yes, he is suffering too, but in the moment while you are actually mc-ing he should put your feelings before his.

Wishing you strength, and hopefully some answers.

wol1968 Fri 02-May-14 14:13:04

But the nhs won't do that. They say if they can't find anything medically so far it must just be bad luck each time.

...or something medical that hasn't yet been spotted/discovered/properly researched yet. There are a huge number of causes for these things, and it may not be possible to pinpoint those causes even with the technology available today. I'd put my money on some as-yet-undiscovered genetic anomaly, or trouble with the placenta, or a combination of immunological/genetic factors that are an absolute bugger to untangle, but never just 'bad luck'.

brew and thanks to you, I can't imagine how it must feel. I did hear recently of a mum of 3 who had 11 mc's. I was amazed she persisted.

OxfordBags Fri 02-May-14 13:58:50

OP, I am a pacifist, and have zero tolerance towards any kind of violence (as anyone who know how blunt I am on relationship threads can attest to). However, if I was having my 5th mc, which involved losing two babies, and my medically-trained partner went out having fun and getting pissed with his mates (and a 'special' event too), and then said what he said to you, I'd be facing a charge for ABH, never mind slapping him.

Hitting someone isn't acceptable, but I think that there are a few very rare times when it is understandable. This, for me, is one of them.

Frankly, I don't think anyone should be having a child with a man like that. The going out with friends instead of being with you, is, for me, worse than what he said to you, which is in itself something that a man should be dumped for. I feel so sorry for you.

The thing is, this whole scenario is going to be reframed within your relationship as you hitting him, not him treating you abominably. The focus is going to go on that, instead of his attitude and choice to prioritise fun and alcohol over common human decency. Just make sure that doesn't get overlooked.

SanityClause Fri 02-May-14 13:36:41

My heart is breaking for you and your DP. You are both under so much stress.

Be kind to yourselves, and to each other.

flowers

juneau Fri 02-May-14 13:34:31

He has a very stressful, medical job. You are going through the misery of a fifth MC (my condolences to you). He snapped and said something horrible. You snapped back and hit him. Given the circumstances, I really don't think either of you is a bad person - you're just two people in a very unhappy situation that you have no control over. Having no control over something that keeps happening to your body and your plans for a family must be very, very hard. Be kind to yourself and to one another. I hope your next pregnancy works out flowers

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 02-May-14 13:32:52

here-for-her

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 02-May-14 13:32:14

I am not in this line of work but am I wrong to think two of the things that are almost inevitable are a sort of gallows humour (Dunkirk spirit) to keep going, and burn-out.

If your DP is starting to show signs of the latter he may well need to rethink what he wants from life. I don't think you are unreasonable to hope he could find a balance between the sort of distance he keeps from getting emotionally involved with patients and the kind of it's-horrible-I-hate-to-see-her-in-pain-but-I-need-to-let-Jokers -know-I'm-her-for-her stoicism any partner feels for a loved one.

PoundingTheStreets Fri 02-May-14 13:26:43

I'm sorry for the loss of your baby Joker. flowers

I don't want to add anything to what's already been said as it sounds as though you and DH will work your own way through this. But I wonder if his hurtful comment means he is harbouring some resentment and anger towards you for the miscarriages. They are absolutely not your fault in any way, shape or form, but if that's something he feels - even on a subconscious level (he may react as horrified by the suggestion on a rational level) - he would probably benefit hugely from some counselling to work through those feelings.

Good luck with it all. flowers

JokersGiggle Fri 02-May-14 13:15:20

My dp is great atWork but often comes home and has a little cry over a baby they couldn't save ect. Its a hard job. The other week they did 3 jobs in a row of loosing people but couldn't have a break due to lack of ambos on the road. And they only get one counselling session a year from work. Its hard for him but he can't imagine doing anything else. Its his "calling" so I understand why he does it.you have to make exceptions for people in difficult jobs x

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 02-May-14 13:03:38

Going back to what PicardyThird said:
Whatever his response to your blood and suffering is - which tbh I am not quite convinced by as an explanation. He can hold it together at work, can't he? And you have to suffer it and hold it together each time, don't you?

I'm not making excuses for OP's DP but someone in the emergency services once told me when at work they wear their capable face. It hides what they're thinking while they steel themselves to do whatever is required to get the job done. Maybe that's what this DP does now. Trying to hold it together.

JokersGiggle Fri 02-May-14 13:01:47

Im glad I've missed masies post so thank you to everyone who got rid of it.
I've done everything. Paid private nutritionist, had private tests, been poked/proded/jabbed/investigated/inspected/scan and everything else under the sun by so many people. There is no medical explanation. The doctors say everything is text book perfect then suddenly it goes wrong. For example I had a scan with PG number 2, everything was perfect but suddenly gushed blood and lost it 8 hours later. But it never goes wrong at the same point so they don't know exactly why it happens. one specialist said the only way to find out would be to move into the hosp, lived hooked up to monitors and scanners and be blood tested each day. But the nhs won't do that. They say if they can't find anything medically so far it must just be bad luck each time.

Maisie0 Fri 02-May-14 12:50:38

I'm really sorry. But yes, I should not have posted that comment, but I also sensed a sign of desperation to also help too. I think I also need to leave this thread, cos it is way above what I can offer in terms of help.

Pabboo Fri 02-May-14 12:50:28

just because you can't hold a pregnancy doesn't mean I can't have fun once in a while

Are you kidding me? That is a really really shitty thing to say.
I totally understand why you hit him. It is not ok. It is not something you should do again. Ever. But I see why you did. He was being a dick.

Having just read your latest post though, well done to both of you for talking this through. It was brave of him to be honest with what he was doing and thinking, and brave of you to face up to him and find out what was going on.

(Still doesn't make his buggering off and leaving you to cope alone, or your hitting him ok, obviously).

I totally agree with others, some counselling for you both would be the best next step. It sounds like you can honestly talk things through, and he has good insight into his behaviour and feelings. Counselling or therapy I think would help you both be ready for the next path on your journey and whatever that may bring.

Good luck. And well done for discussing it with him today.

RiverTam Fri 02-May-14 12:49:54

well, that is a good outcome of you talking together. Poor man, keeping that to himself all this time. Very good that it's now out in the open, but you need to now (not right now, I mean!) address how he will cope in future - hopefully not with MCs, but what about childbirth, which is obviously where you both want to be in the end - you both need to know he will cope with that.

Have you been to your recurrent miscarriage clinic yet? I went to my local hospital one after no. 3, then we referred ourselves as private patients to St Mary's Paddington after no. 5 as the local hospital were being a bit crap.

Tinkleybison Fri 02-May-14 12:47:55

God - you poor thing!

I know the script for this kind of scenario is that hitting it totally unacceptable, but I think you had a very understandable lapse of self control in horrible circumstances, and while its not ideal I can sympathise hugely with the pressure.

What your DP said was incredibly cruel - maybe if he is in general a good person you can find a way to forgive each other?

Second what another poster said about counselling too - you must be experiencing intolerable stress after 5 mc.

RowanMumsnet (MNHQ) Fri 02-May-14 12:39:17

Hello

So sorry to hear about what you and your DP are going through, JokersGiggle.

Maisie0 We're sure you didn't mean to, but the last bit of your post was upsetting a lot of people so we've zapped it now.

PicardyThird Fri 02-May-14 12:36:02

With you, Armadale. Maisie, how dare you, how very dare you imply that she is having these mc because of something she has done or not done.

OP, I am so sorry. I have had 6 mcs and if my dh made the 'just because you can't hold a pregnancy' comment to me, we would be over, tbh, I think. Whatever his response to your blood and suffering is - which tbh I am not quite convinced by as an explanation. He can hold it together at work, can't he? And you have to suffer it and hold it together each time, don't you?

You did a bad thing, he said a terrible thing. You seem inclined to forgive each other and I wish you all the luck in the world with a future pg. have you had any investigations?

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