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He's about to start resenting me

(52 Posts)
mummaduke Thu 01-May-14 19:02:43

I posted here only the other day, and I'm sorry to post again so soon for more advice and sensible insights into DH's behaviour.

In a nutshell: Together 2.5 years, married a year, 5 month old baby. DH is 15 years my senior (he's 45).

Having had many many conversations/heated discussions since DS arrived regarding DH going out too often, being a terrible drunk etc, two incidents this week have made me wonder what on earth I can do or say to him that will help him realise his responsibilities...

First; we went out with friends two nights ago. DH tells me to let my hair down; he will get up with DS in the night. So I had a wine too many, and got a bit drunk. Problem was, so did DH, and then he passed out cold on the sofa. Guess who had to get up with DS? Yep, me. DH was so drunk I couldn't even rouse him to come to bed. I was so upset he put us in that situation, but I really don't think he saw it as a big deal.

Second; After squabbling about the above for most of yesterday, DH has just rang from work to see if I mind him going to the pub tonight. As I've said in a previous post, I don't mind him going out. However, he has a lads night tomorrow, and a stag do on Saturday, so I'm quite frankly amazed that he'd even consider the pub tonight.

I'm so annoyed. Every time we discuss the issue of him going out/drinking too much he gets sulky, and says 'he can't do anything right', 'you're always angry'. Why can't he see I'm only angry because of his complete inability to grow up a bit!!

What do you suggest ladies? DH is about to start resenting me big time (in his words, I was 'too hard' on him after his drunken episode the other night) if he doesn't already. Why do men somehow always make us feel like the ball and chain? hmm

LineRunner Thu 01-May-14 19:14:40

This isn't 'men', though. This is your particular man.

I really feel for you, it must be bloody awful. I think you have to be clear about what you want and need because this can't go on and in that respect you have nothing to lose.

Lweji Thu 01-May-14 19:16:55

Forget resentment.

He has a drinking problem and allowing you to get drunk and then getting drunk himself while in charge of a baby should be a dumping offence. He isn't even taking responsibility but resenting you. WTF?

Consider very carefully whether you want to stay with him in these conditions. And make him aware of it. Screw his resentment.

Lweji Thu 01-May-14 19:18:28

Also, there is nothing you can do to change him if he doesn't want to.

Handywoman Thu 01-May-14 19:26:30

Oh my goodness. I am shocked at his disregard for you and for his responsibilities as a father. I think I might actually LTB in these circs. Sorry not to be more practical than that. Unbelievable.

oikopolis Thu 01-May-14 19:30:14

He's a problem drinker OP.

That story about him telling you you could drink and then getting to wasted to get up for the DC made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. That is how children end up getting killed in accidents etc. Sickening.

Get into an Al-Anon group. You need to disentangle a lot of stuff here.

This is how life pans out with a problem drinker. It is really chaotic.

I would also suggest you contact Al-anon as they could well help you here.

The 3cs re alcoholism are ones you would do well to now remember:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

Twinklestein Thu 01-May-14 19:34:15

If you have a baby with an alcoholic these issues are inevitable. He is never going to 'realise his responsibilities', I'm not sure why you thought he would...

mummaduke Thu 01-May-14 19:35:56

I'm so glad you don't all think I'm overreacting. And handy, that's how I felt too, sick that he'd put DS in a situation whereby mum and dad were both drunk.

He has just come home. He didn't go to the pub, said he could tell I wasn't keen on the idea by the tone of my voice. I said I was surprised he had wanted to go to the pub. He said 'you're always surprised by my behaviour'. Again, I'm being made the bad guy.

You are all right. It can't go on. In every other way this is a loving, happy relationship. Suggesting he has a drink problem would go down like a tonne of bricks (although his family have hinted at it to me).

I don't know how to play this one confused

expatinscotland Thu 01-May-14 19:38:51

He's an alcoholic. What Attila said.

I'd go to Al-Anon if I were you.

CrispyFern Thu 01-May-14 19:39:55

The problem here isn't him resenting you. I'm concerned that this is the aspect that worries you.

Listen to these other sensible women. His drinking is not normal.

AnyFucker Thu 01-May-14 19:40:43

You picked a wrong 'un there, sorry

Best you acknowledge that sooner rather than later and take the appropriate action

You are not ready for this yet though, I don't think

Stripyhoglets Thu 01-May-14 19:44:37

he has a drink problem. You should probably speak to his family and find out what they are hinting at. and contact AA for support for yourself. You and you son deserve better than this . Take care.

Stripyhoglets Thu 01-May-14 19:45:25

Al Anon not AA, sorry.

Lweji Thu 01-May-14 19:47:32

You play it by telling him he has a drinking problem, that's impacting his family and putting his child at risk, that he is failing to take reaponsibility over his problem and the consequences and that he has to leave, sort out his drinking problem on a consistent and long term basis and hope that you take him back when his problem is under control, in the understanding that any relapses mean a permanent end.

RedRoom Thu 01-May-14 19:52:05

Perhaps having a child has made him panic that he is missing out on the fun and freedom of staying out late and being only accountable to himself. That's tough luck though- he's not a single man in his late teens with no responsibilities: he has a small baby that needs him to act like an adult and a father. Passing out drunk so that he can't take care of him as promised is totally unacceptable.

Also, it's terribly selfish because you can't have your own fun nights out because you will always worry that he can't be relied upon to step in and do his share while you are tipsy.

Ideally, how often would you be happy for him to have these nights out? Just once a week, or less? You could decide and then say you are prepared to compromise so he can't moan about you being the 'ball and chain': he can go out late and get very merry by agreement (but not spontaneously), so that it is agreed that you will be solely responsible for DS. This works both ways, so you get time to let your hair down too. The rest of the time, he faces his joint responsibilities and doesn't get so wasted he doesn't know what day it is, just like you are having to do most days.

If he can't stick to this and put his child before getting plastered, he isn't fit to be around your DS: it is selfish and dangerous to be so drunk you are useless in an emergency. If he persists with the heavy drinking, you may need more drastic measures.

oikopolis Thu 01-May-14 19:52:42

Go to Al-Anon OP... go for a few months. Go as often as you can, every day even. Come to grips with what is happening here.

In the meantime enlist as much help and support as you can -- he can't be trusted alone with the DC IMO. And you need support because living with someone like this, whether they get into recovery or not, is a nightmare and you can't do it alone.

In time it will become very clear to you what you need to do. It sounds to me that you are only juuuuust coming out of denial about this, so give yourself time but DON'T ignore what is right in front of your face.

RedRoom Thu 01-May-14 19:54:53

Ps: has he always drunk a lot? A few people have mentioned alcoholism, but I have no real experience of this or the warning signs.

mummaduke Thu 01-May-14 20:51:15

That's the thing, I am partial to a drink too, far less since I became pregnant with DS of course, but we used to enjoy drinking like any other happy go lucky couple with no responsibilities.

Am I angered by his drinking because I don't anymore? I'm wary of classing him as an alcoholic, but yes, I will follow up with his family about their previous comments regarding his drinking/going out.

A few of you have also suggested that I'm only just starting to see this for what it really is; you're right. Him disregarding all responsibility for himself, and more importantly, DS, has left me a bit shell shocked. Luckily his folks were here babysitting so saw this for their own eyes and I can speak to them about it with that night as an example.

ThePriory Thu 01-May-14 22:00:21

No point being subtle with this one, for his sake, yours and the child. He's 45, acting like a teen.

His family have already hinted to you about a drinking problem. Everyone who has suggested Al anon, well me too. 'LRB' is rather extreme, if you still love each other, and overcoming addiction is hard on your own.

He needs to want it for himself, and he really needs to grow up.

ThePriory Thu 01-May-14 22:00:50

lol 'LTB' not 'LRB'

Lweji Thu 01-May-14 22:04:13

LTB is not extreme in this case because he can't see that he has a problem, and he's blaming you.

He'd need to take responsibility over his drinking and recognise he has a problem. I doubt it will happen while he's living with you. Sadly.

Ivehearditallnow Thu 01-May-14 22:32:22

Er, sorry - he rang and asked if you minded him going to the pub. Did you tell him you DID mind? Did he go to the pub?

Bit surprised that everyone is so quick to label him a pisshead and saying he needs AA and saying to throw him out etc. Didn't you say you had a 'few too many wines' as well? Sounds to me like he's acting like a prat but there's no assuming he'd get so drunk he'd crash on the sofa after the pub or the stag - if he does get that drunk three nights in a row, then I'd say he needs support rather than judgement.

Good luck though OP - sounds like it's been a tough time x

Psycobabble Thu 01-May-14 22:42:14

Well I'm not sure these things neccasiry point to him been an alki but regardless he's behaving like he's young free and single which he is not. I'm not sure how you can reason with him because anyone with any sense would realise 4 nights out in a week is a bit excessive when you have a young baby and are in a serious relationship if he doesn't realise that or just simply doesn't care how you feel about that then I'm not sure how you'll get him to change !

oikopolis Thu 01-May-14 22:46:04

This isn't about the DH going to AA. Not one person has directed OP to tell her DH to go to AA.

It's about OP needing to go to Al-Anon, which is a support group that helps people understand:

- whether the person in their life is a problem drinker
- how they can support the problem drinker in their life appropriately

Unfortunately, if he IS a problem drinker (and it sounds like he is, based on the OP -- problem drinking isn't just the drunk in the street or the guy who drinks every morning to get through the day), then being sympathetic/understanding/etc. is not the actual solution... it's just part of the problem and becomes part of the alcohol abuse cycle.

Also, it's not about whether the OP "had a few wines". You can get trashed once in a blue moon and still have a healthy relationship with alcohol. Also, the fact that OP "had a few wines" doesn't mean she doesn't have a right to be very worried about her DH's relationship with alcohol.

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