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Cheating partners..... What did you miss?

(85 Posts)
Melodygrace Tue 29-Apr-14 18:09:23

Ok I know the usual signs of cheating losing weight, out longer hours, possessive over phone etc....
I was wondering if you have been cheated on what other things did they do that made you suspicious ? When you confronted them is there any advice you would give now things to do what not to do. Basically anything that could help.
Has anyone confronted a man or woman and they have told the truth? Is there any point confronting with no solid evidence? Has anyone had that 'gut feeling' and been wrong? How have you caught them out? Sorry for all the rambling....

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Tue 29-Apr-14 18:32:32

I missed the STD

snowgirl1 Tue 29-Apr-14 18:44:25

With XP, there was weight loss, new clothes, out more "with work", and emotional disengagement, being generally unpleasant company (later he admitted he hoped if he was unpleasant enough I would end the relationship so that the wouldn't have to tell friends he'd ended it).

I founded a charge for tickets to the cinema on his credit card. Even then he only partially admitted it.

My gut feeling wasn't wrong, but he only admitted the truth after our relationship had ended.

FreeSpirit89 Tue 29-Apr-14 18:46:52

Emotional withdrawal, higher personal grooming than before.

handfulofcottonbuds Tue 29-Apr-14 18:52:59

melody - are you needing this for research or are you in this situation?

Bananasandnutella Tue 29-Apr-14 19:01:10

He ceased all intimacy with me and made out he was 'ill'. He became disengaged from me and our dd.

He also said a number of things to try and push me away that he knew meant a lot to me. I saw them as a blib.

In hindsight it was obvious, but he was such a 'respectable' man I didn't think an affair was his thing....I'm clearly naive.

Bananasandnutella Tue 29-Apr-14 19:05:55

Oh and I found messages. He lied big time about everything. A week later I recovered tons of emails - was very enlightening reading. In some warped way I read them every now and then to confirm that I had a lucky escape!

Pinkballoon Tue 29-Apr-14 19:22:04

They'll buy you presents (guilt.)

They'll suddenly start making repeat trips to the supermarket. So they get back with a bag of shopping, and then claim that they have forgotten something and need to go back out (the OW wants him to ring her and he obviously can't from home.)

They'll contact you more because they are actually checking up on YOU. They realise how easy it is to cheat, so their natural suspicion tells them that you must be doing it too.

They'll suddenly accuse you of having an affair (deflection.) And they'll be pretty nasty about it too.

They'll contact you BEFORE they go to meet the OW. They are making sure that you won't ring them at work unexpectedly etc. So they are making sure they get in first with a "Well, I'm just off to a meeting now darling. Speak to you when I get back tonight." That's when you should wait and ring back the office half an hour or so later. The secretary will inevitably tell you that they've left for the day (gone home…….) There's no meeting!

I confronted with solid evidence and it was still denied. It will be a 'friend' or a woman that they've been trying to shake off who won't get the hint. Or the OW is 'mad'/ drunk/ take your pick, and got the wrong end of the stick about everything. They will say ANYTHING to get out of it. And the more emphatic the denial, the more likely it is that there was an affair.

mammadiggingdeep Tue 29-Apr-14 19:28:46

Emotional withdrawal, nastiness, making up excuses to find me 'in the wrong', suddenly wouldn't undress in front of me, possessiveness of phone, no intimacy, clinging to the edge of the mattress for dear life, avoiding coming to bed at all....

What a cock.

mammadiggingdeep Tue 29-Apr-14 19:30:27

Oh, and I confronted with solid evidence that he was somewhere he shouldn't have been, obviously with one other person...denied it. Denied it. Denied it. Swore on our gorgeous dc's lives. It was do undeniable. May as well have been caught at it. But he denied it.

What a cock!

mammadiggingdeep Tue 29-Apr-14 19:32:33

Oh yeah..and took our then baby for a walk to. The park for first time ever quite randomly one afternoon. Looking back I think he wanted tomato a call....

Aaarrhgghhhh! Getting wound up thinking about it.

What a cocccckkkkkk!

rabbitseverywhere Tue 29-Apr-14 19:36:12

Firstly was my gut instinct, then XH lost interest in the home, started taking care of his appearance, working extra hours but being short of money, got erection problems (obv just with me), glued to mobile, put password on, found hair in the car that was a different colour to mine, found an extra mobile phone which he snatched from my hand and preceded to flush the sim card away.

Then things got worse...he got very angrily defensive when confronted, I got his mobile hurled at my head because I made him late for his date (like I knew he was going on one!), then the kicking out came before the confessions when hit hit my DC in temper.

Confession from the OW came after he had left and she got paranoid we were 'working it out'. He still denies being in a relationship with her to this day even though they live together and have produced two DC together! (yes he is that mental!)

DownstairsMixUp Tue 29-Apr-14 19:38:29

Mine was just emotional but defintely 100%

Really possessive over phone! He used to leave it alone all the time then suddenly it was like it was a rare diamond or something. I vividly remember being on the loo and him bursting in on me in a panic convinced I had it (I didn't and this really triggered me KNOWING something was going on)
Delibrately shutting down the phone when I was near or moving away or angling the screen away.
He suddenly had two locks on his phone, yes, TWO, not one! I questioned it and he said he'd been looking for an engagement ring and didn't want me snooping. Yer right!
From the girl I suspected he'd been flirting with (I don't know how far it went but I saw enough messages) he'd keep her hidden from statuses specifically about me. hmm

Anyway I did have a gut feeling before he started acting weird but they do just start acting differently. It's not nice. He had changed all his passwords so I didn't know them. He refused point blank access to his phone as he said about the engagement and it's bad but I ended up cracking. I logged onto his hotmail and did the reset password and luckily I guessed the answer right to his security question that then gave me access to resetting his facebook! I found out lots. Mainly that he'd been hiding statuses from the girl I'd suspected (mainly ones saying he loved me, i was his only love as he had told her SHE was his first love :S) They'd also had a conversation late night on boxing day (when I was like a mug in bed!!) her going on about how gross she was fishing for compliments and how she wanted a lift home. Him flirting back replying well he could but I wouldn't like it then telling her how gorgeous she was.

I was absolutely fuming! Because this girl (who was his 10 month girlfriend when they were 14 ffs!!) had told me they had always been good friends and went out her way to tell me! He'd told me the same old shit to. Said he didn't find her attractive and even went out his way to tell me he thought she was fat hmm (she was a size 14 so a little bigger than me but not huge) and he said he'd only said them things as they were mates! I didn't give a crap if he felt that was his first love, I just felt annoyed that he bothered telling me that only to be smothering this other girl with the same old shite and them two having a little laugh at me behind my back getting mugged off.

Anyway he at first got angry at me going through his phone then did the usual begging, text her saying he couldn't be friends and forwarded it to me, blocked and deleted her, bargaining basically but it was too late. I'd actually rather he had a one night stand than do all of that but there you go. I'm a firm believer in trusting your instincts if your partner is behaving odd.

Melodygrace Tue 29-Apr-14 19:43:24

In this situation sadly. I do appreciate all the replies. I know it can't be easy thinking about past hurt etc so thank you ladies for your experiences and advice.

rabbitseverywhere Tue 29-Apr-14 19:44:34

What are your suspicions OP?

BornToFolk Tue 29-Apr-14 19:55:43

I had no clue. In hindsight there were a few signs, particularly the fact that we'd had a huge row, or rather the start of a huge row and exP just stormed out and stayed out for a couple of hours. Then when we talked about it, he talked about splitting up and I said that I didn't want that. So we both agreed to work harder on the relationship. But all the while he was fucking someone else. Cunt.

But I didn't know that at the time. The OW was someone he did a hobby with and had been doing that regularly for a couple of years so it was normal for him to be out a couple of times a week and again at the weekends (another sign, looking back on it!) He also took time off work to see her during the day when I was at work and DS was at nursery.

So, he was pretty good at covering his tracks but I was also very, very trusting and never thought it would do anything like that so I never checked his phone or looked at emails.

However in the end, he got careless (or wanted to be caught?) and they were in our house in the afternoon when I came home unexpectedly with an ill DS and that was that!

I really hope your suspicions are unfounded OP, it's a horrible situation to be in. sad

rabbitseverywhere Tue 29-Apr-14 19:59:36

That's a horrible way to find out Born hope you're doing ok now

Pinkballoon Tue 29-Apr-14 19:59:40

The phone is the key to it all. Get hold of that (or them!) and you'll have your answer.

And work time is usually when it all takes place (meetings, emails, texts etc.)

Pinkballoon Tue 29-Apr-14 20:01:45

BorntoFolk. Would you mind me asking what you did when you found them in the house?

BornToFolk Tue 29-Apr-14 20:03:27

I know! It was not fun. sad But I am mostly OK now. It'll be exactly 2 years ago in a couple of weeks and the bitterness tends to bubble up this time of year, but in general things are good. smile

Melodygrace Tue 29-Apr-14 20:27:23

A few things mentioned have struck a chord. It's stressful I just wish if he was doing it doesn't want me anymore whatever to just get on with it. Feel like I'm treading on egg shells at the minute.

HeyBungalowBill Tue 29-Apr-14 20:44:25

Definitely the phone is the biggest give away when they won't leave it alone and start putting passwords on.

In my experience being nasty and distant were the signs. Not only were they cheating but emotionally abusing me aswell! hmm

flightywoman Tue 29-Apr-14 20:50:45

The last time (it's happened to me at least 3 times!) it was a lot of different and very subtle things.

That calling you to see how you are is a dead giveaway. I was working a 60-90 minute commute from home, he would call me to see when I was leaving so that he could get on the PC and be emailing her or meeting for a quick drink. It was dressed up as concern and "come home soon" but it was to get his beer-pass.

st273447 Tue 29-Apr-14 21:20:48

Yes the jewel phone!

- the multiple passwords on phone
- checking frequently,
- text/ringer/notifications off
- looking over and tilting screen away and if seen as suspicious, changing the app and tilting towards you!
- continuous texting/messaging, but making out surfing the web etc
- noticing a 1:1 'couples app' being installed on their phone, when you are are not the other person!

The list goes on....

Now I'm a big on personal privacy and and very trusting, so didn't figure it out for a long time.

I would say that a partner that doesn't allow you to look through their personal phone without looking that they are going to have "kittens" has something serious to hide, and you have to ask yourself if you want to be with someone who is deliberately keeping secrets from you.

rabbitseverywhere Tue 29-Apr-14 21:22:39

Have you always felt like you were treading on eggshells OP? Because that sounds like abuse, although an affair can increase abuse, it certainly did in my case.

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