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I think I'm meant to be alone - do I let dp go?

(77 Posts)
Sampanther Thu 24-Apr-14 14:24:58

I've been married before, which was a massive mistake. My exH was abusive in every way and a drinker. I've been with my now dp for over 5 yrs. I can completely trust him, he is a kind and thoughtful man and focussed on the children and I. He couldn't be any more opposite to my exH. He has never done anything wrong or criticised me or been horrible in any way.

However, I increasingly feel suffocated by being in a relationship. He tells me he loves me at least twenty times per day, in person and by text. He wants to text all day and I'd prefer if we didn't and just discussed our day in the evening. Whenever I stand or sit still without a child on me for longer than ten seconds he's trying to lay on me or cuddle or kiss me. At night he wants to lay nose to nose or stroking my face and sometimes I feel like screaming for him to give me some personal space.

He has a lot of weekdays off but never anything he wants to do. When he worked away I'd take dd to toddler groups, swimming, the park etc but also have days indoors painting and playing. If he's off he'll follow me wherever I go and whatever I do, literally from room to room and foot by foot at toddler groups/the pool. He's constantly trying to talk to me and not dd.

When he works away I'm more than happy to have busy days with the kids and go to bed and read. It's a relief to not have to go downstairs and have him all over me declaring his undying love. I find him very attractive physically but find the constant touching and 'i love yous' a turn off.

I feel like if I can't be happy with him then I'll never be happy with anyone because he's pretty much great all round. Is it kinder to let him go and resign myself to being single? I love him but admit I'm happier knowing the kids and I are going home to an empty house than to him, and it seems like the kids are too.

notaflamingclue Thu 24-Apr-14 14:45:28

I don't think I have much advice, but to be fair he does sound like hard work.

Can you tell him that you find him a bit suffocating? Seems a bit of a shame to dump him if this is all that's wrong with him.

Although as an afterthought the fact that he doesn't seem to have any hobbies / leisure activities of my own would concern me. I do love my own time and would expect any partner to want to do his own thing from time to time.

onetiredfromthesugarhighmummy Thu 24-Apr-14 14:52:25

Perhaps he can sense you're pulling away & is trying to keep you close by hanging onto you.

Tell him. Communicate with him. There's nothing wrong with what either of you want, they're just incompatible! Its not the relationship that's the trouble, its his constant need for reassurance.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 24-Apr-14 15:21:02

I'm sure, after escaping your exH, this man seemed like manna from heaven but he does sound like he's suffocating you and that's a different kind of stress. What happens if you ask him to tone it down, stop following you around etc?

It's the opposite of your abusive Ex but aggravating nonetheless when someone is so over the top affectionate; the constant need to kiss, cuddle and stroke my face would drive me insane.

In the 5 years has he always been like this?

sonjadog Thu 24-Apr-14 15:31:08

He sounds suffocating. Have you told him how you feel? I mean, really tell him and not just hint at it? If he's a great guy otherwise, I'd give him a chance. I don't think the answer is necessesarily that you are better off on your own, you just need someone less needy.

Jan45 Thu 24-Apr-14 15:56:24

Is he actually ok, I mean mentally cos his actions are very bizarre.

OP, you should never accept any kind of behaviour that you don't feel comfortable with, I could not stand this, I think he's actually transferring his insecurities onto you rather than taking ownership of them and doing something about it.

SocialNeedier Thu 24-Apr-14 16:02:21

It doesn't matter if someone else would love that sort of attention or whether you think you ought to. The fact is you don't like it and you are allowed to feel that way.

Have you ever tried to get him to tone it down? What does he say if you've discuses this with him?

SocialNeedier Thu 24-Apr-14 16:02:46

*discussed

Ah bless. There are so many people on here that want love and affection but get none.

But I don't think even they would want this kind of thing.

I agree - you need to sit him down and tell him how you feel. Ask him to tone it down. Basically what you have outlined in your OP but in a kinder way.

He needs a hobby as well. He must have enjoyed doing something before.

What are his parents like?

WhoNickedMyName Thu 24-Apr-14 16:21:34

I feel suffocated just reading your post, I can't imagine what living with it is like.

Does he have any friends? Hobbies?

How about you - friends and hobbies?

As a first step you need to have a chat with him, and be kind but honest. Explain that you're all "touched out" sometimes and need a break from being mauled (for want of a better word) by either DD or him and you need some personal space. Tell him before you end up screaming it at him.

Stop with the texts. Let him text you all he likes. Reply if you want to and it's convenient for you but otherwise, give it a miss.

Arrange for yourself some time out, I guess that'll mean being out of the house at first, whether that's with friends or alone. You get a break and he gets some time alone with DD. If he has lots of weekdays off then you make the most of that. Tell him you've got things you need to get on with and suggest he takes DD to the park for an hour, or swimming, on his own. Would he do that?

And take up a hobby that you can only do alone, or with people not including him.

SocialNeedier Thu 24-Apr-14 16:25:10

OP I noticed you've got another thread going about his crap parenting. Is there something that's prompted you to suddenly see these issues?

Is there a bigger picture here?

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 24-Apr-14 16:31:56

I suspect, if there's a bigger picture, it's that the OP originally saw this kind, thoughtful man as something of a safe haven after the experience of abuse, was flattered by all the attention, grateful for the security and his trustworthiness etc but that, a few years down the track, she's realising that the relationship is based on not very much at all. There is no 'spark' (there may never have been one) and his heart-on-sleeve routine shows up just how one-sided things really are.

It's at that point in a relationship when everything the person does becomes intensely irritating.

HolgerDanske Thu 24-Apr-14 16:33:08

Tbh I think you know what you need to do already. If it's not right for you then you don't need validation from anyone else to end the relationship.

I think it's time to call it a day.

Your other thread about him needing to be supervised as a parent to your toddler [ who he appears to ignore?] is totally at odds with this one where he is determined to be with you at all times.

He sounds extremely hard work OP, and you're expecting another child with him?

floraldora Thu 24-Apr-14 16:37:51

I too felt very suffocated reading your post!

When I was about 17 I went out with a guy for a few months that was as suffocating. I couldn't sit on the sofa without him pawing away at me, and he'd want to do things like sit and hold my hand whilst I put my make up on! Awful!

I've been following your other thread too, and to be honest your DP sounds very irritating all round.

Maisie0 Thu 24-Apr-14 16:40:48

Cogito That came to my mind too. smile
But I have to admit that this is also the flip side of the abusive person, cos he sounds very OTT.

I also encountered something similar recently with a person whom I have broken up with now. He was slow on the uptake, and was quite cool in the beginning which really confused me. Then when I was upset by his continuous emotional blackmail and saying that I do not give him anything. I was at first mad, and then I was also down too. Cos I realised that it was not working for me, and I ended up feeling guilty, so much so that I cried about it ! Which is crazy. When I stamped my foot and put my foot down and draw lines and boundaries, I slept better, I felt better, and I felt more sane.

I was too shy and unaware of what was happening. I also realised that he too had baggages with him. Or rather invisible baggages. He brought into our relationship the previous past and rejection. That was why he was so adament to know he won't make the mistakes of my ex, and not to even make the mistakes of his own past too. Rather than being free and let things flow. (Which is how I like things.)

Dear OP, I can only say that, you need to be open-minded and think whether this man is indeed for you or not. Whether you can see through him and see him for who he is. Not just base it on what he does as affection. Do you guys talk ? The only reason I knew why the guy I was seeing was so insecure was because we talked about his past dating experiences as well. You need to figure out why he is SO clingy, or whether he thought that this is how a relationship is supposed to be. You can redefine your relationship, or to let it go.

I'm afraid your current partner is not a kind, decent man, but another abuser. This constant mauling, slobbering on and stalking of you is about control, not affection.

Unfortunately it happens an awful lot - a woman who has got rid of one abuser will end up with a different kind of abuser. Because your last one was violent, this one would have seemed gentle and caring at first. But he isn't. He diesn't think you're a person. You're basically his comfort object, something he owns.

WhoNickedMyName Thu 24-Apr-14 16:48:21

Ah, you're the poster with the DH who was so busy looking at his mobile phone he let your DD fall into a bunch of nettles.

Well on that thread he sounds, as a parent, like a useless lazy fucker. Coupled with this thread, it all sounds like such hard work for you.

I've re-read your OP - I'm happier knowing the kids and I are going home to an empty house than to him, and it seems like the kids are too. What do you mean about the kids being happier when he's not there?

pictish Thu 24-Apr-14 16:51:50

OP I have to tell you that what you describe would drive me absolutely demented!
Well done on lasting 5 years...I had a boyfriend like that once, many years ago. 6 months we lasted before I gultily, but firmly, kicked him to the kerb.

I'm an independent individual who has never, and will never, get validation from being part of a couple. I'm not a lovey dovey sort at all. That's not to say I'm not loving because I am...but I don't seek to live in a perpetual three legged race. ugh.

All the endless texting and being followed about, face stroking and declarations of love would leave me cold. I can't see that sort of stuff as being about my wonderousness, so much as his neediness.

You must wonder if it's you he loves, or simply what you represent to him.

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob Thu 24-Apr-14 16:56:42

The fact that the kids are also happier when he isn't around says a hell of a lot. You also say he will talk to you but not your child which is a worry.

To be honest you don't have to continue with a relationship if he makes you happy, even if he is a nice guy.

If you genuinely like him the give him a chance to tone it down but it sounds like you need some space to yourself.

Maisie0 Thu 24-Apr-14 17:10:29

Something has just occurred to me actually. I just read Who's comment about the nettle.

I think he treats you like a GF or a serious GF, but not as a life long partner or a married partner. Because he is not taking up the slack also on the parenting of your children as well and be as concerned about them as you do too. This can be understandable, but he also have to accept or to recognise that he is or can be a step father too. You guys need to talk about this actually.

I also have to say that I only feel a tad more maternal on children most closest to me via my siblings and not as much to other people's children, even though I can see when a situation is wrong, but you do have to adjust and also adapt as well. The intensity is different.

As with any relationship, I think you need to set your requirements and hope that he meets them.

FunkyBoldRibena Thu 24-Apr-14 17:29:14

I have just posted on your other thread and to be honest, take issue with your comment in the OP here - he is not focused on the children at all. Well, not your daughter at least.

TheRealAmandaClarke Thu 24-Apr-14 17:51:32

What do your family/ friends think of him? What one's his ex say about him?
brew

TheRealAmandaClarke Thu 24-Apr-14 18:11:12

Sorry one's = does.

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