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EA? I can't do it anymore...

(105 Posts)
BohdiSaurus Thu 24-Apr-14 12:30:51

I am so unhappy. My partner is very unaffectionate and I hate it. He's always putting me down and letting me know I'm a lesser person than him. He is the bread winner and he thinks my job is insignificant.
When we discuss this he blames it all on me, the reason he doesn't give affection is because I'm needy, or I ask for it, or because he doesn't respect me.
I end up apologising and saying il make an effort to change.
Then either he will make a small effort for a few weeks but it always always goes back to nothing.

I have been ill for a few days, he simply does not care. He wouldn't ever ask how I'm feeling or if he can do anything.
He pretty much ignores me.
I was curled up on the sofa last night feeling terrible when he demanded I went to the shop, I said I was ill and he was so angry with me, I'm a wimp because I could have gone.

This morning he gets up leaving me in bed. He starts shouting up that he needs sandwiches in 10 minutes.
That's it. No good morning. No cuddle in bed. No 'how are you feeling?' Nothing.

I've tried to speak to him today through text and the only response I got it 'negative negative negative, sort it out'

I'm sorry it's so long.... Does this sound like an Emotionally Abusive relationship?

PhoebeMcPeePee Thu 24-Apr-14 12:35:21

Yes without question ea & he's an arsehole hmm
Out of interest, what would his reaction be if you told him to make his own sandwiches/go to the shop himself?

In a word yes.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. There's nothing to rescue and or save here and you would be better off apart. He is treating you like a slave there to purely serve him, he cares not a jot for you. You are seeing the real him now, the "nice" part of him was an act designed to sucker you in. My guess is that you met him when you were in a bad place yourself emotionally.

Womens Aid can and will help you here but you need to be brave and call them for yourself now. Their number is 0808 2000 247.

Jan45 Thu 24-Apr-14 12:37:34

Please give yourself permission to leave this arsehole, you are wasting your time, he will not change, so, you change, get rid and be happy without a constant bully putting you down.

BohdiSaurus Thu 24-Apr-14 12:38:25

He would be angry and remind me that he pays the bills. I do feel that because he's the high earner (I'm pt due to young child) that he feels I should do everything. I don't mind cooking, cleaning washing etc I like looking after the house. I just hate that he feels he can tell me to do something and have to say yes.

BohdiSaurus Thu 24-Apr-14 12:41:43

It's so hard.
We have a child and he's a fantastic Dad, just a shit partner.
This relationship is so up and down and we really do have lovely times. He does look after me and our son.
I don't mind doing anything for him....I just want a bit of love and a kind word . I didn't want to leave as my child is so happy and settled and I could never provide as well for them on my own. I always said I'd rather stay and be unhappy then them be unhappy...but it's so hard and so unnecessary.

Jan45 Thu 24-Apr-14 12:45:12

No he's not even that, any man who speaks to his woman with such contempt is not displaying a good role model for any child.

You can excuse him all you want but this won't get better, in fact it will probably get worse. If you don't value yourself enough to not accept this behaviour then nothing will change.

How can you have lovely times, are you not 100% full of resentment, I'd be.

AnyFucker Thu 24-Apr-14 12:53:06

He is not a fantastic dad. You have been using that mistaken notion as a reason to stay so far.

BohdiSaurus Thu 24-Apr-14 12:53:10

If I hated him or didn't love him id go, I'm not a downtrodden person who clings to what I know...I do love him and I just want things to be good. It seems so easy to me to just talk to someone you supposedly love in a nice way....I know I can't make him care..
When I say I'm going to leave or am thinking about it. He doesn't want me to. But i do feel like he just keeps me around because he doesn't want me taking his child away.

BohdiSaurus Thu 24-Apr-14 12:54:40

He really is a lovely Dad he dotes on our child. And our child worships him. It would be very hard to split them up.

Offred Thu 24-Apr-14 12:59:56

He's emotionally abusing your child by abusing you. He is not a great father.

Thislife Thu 24-Apr-14 13:01:07

How can these really horrible men be such 'fantastic' dads?

So he treats two people in his home completely differently? I don't know how you can live like that from what you say, op.

Jan45 Thu 24-Apr-14 13:02:56

OP, you seem convinced you have no way out which is completely untrue and you cannot change someone's character.

He can still be a doting dad without you two living together.

Offred Thu 24-Apr-14 13:03:03

If he really were a fantastic dad he wouldn't be raising his son to abuse women by abusing you.

BohdiSaurus Thu 24-Apr-14 13:03:27

It's really hard to explain... We are good parents, we have lovely family times (days out etc) it's quite harmonious.
It's when our child is in bed and we have a chance to be a 'couple' that's shit. I don't think he hates me, I just don't think he loves me...

BohdiSaurus Thu 24-Apr-14 13:05:06

I do have a way out, I could leave.
I just love him and want this to work.
I want my child to have both their parents and remain happy.
It's not 100% shit and it's not the family part.
It's us as the couple.

BohdiSaurus Thu 24-Apr-14 13:06:23

I know he can be a good Dad with us not being together. But it would break my child's heart to leave and it would break my heart to leave them here.

worldgonecrazy Thu 24-Apr-14 13:09:23

What you want is lovely, but unfortunately it's not what he wants, and there is absolutely nothing you can do to change him.

As someone wise once said on Mumsnet "When someone tells you who they are, believe them".

You could change every single piece of yourself, a million times over, and this man would still abuse you, because that is who he is.

Unfortunately what you want will never happen, because both parties have to want it to happen.

BohdiSaurus Thu 24-Apr-14 13:09:52

What I really hate is that when he makes the effort we can be great.
I hate that he chooses when he makes the effort.
I hate that my moods are dictated by him and how he treats me.
Don't get me wrong it's a very attractive thought living somewhere with just me and my child. I've thought it lots.
But I'd rather fix this or at least do as much as I can do....then if it doesn't work I know I've tried my hardest.
I'm thinking counselling as a last resort.

Offred Thu 24-Apr-14 13:11:20

So he is fake affectionate in front of your son or not affectionate at all then nasty when he goes to bed?

Jan45 Thu 24-Apr-14 13:11:40

OP, only you can decide, if you would rather stay in a loveless relationship that's your call. You would not be stopping him being a dad to his child, sorry, but you just sound full of excuses.

His behaviour will not change until you actually put your foot down and tell him you are not accepting it, in fact, I'd be telling him he either changes his tone with you or you're taking your child away from an environment that is neither healthy or happy.

So by what you just said there, he chooses to be nasty to you when you are both alone, oh well that's not so bad then, seriously either suck it up or decide this is not the future you want for yourself, or your child.

BohdiSaurus Thu 24-Apr-14 13:13:17

I know can't change him. But I just want him to understand how he makes me feel. He's a very good 'friend' to me. Just not a partner.
I'm wondering if talking it through with a counsellor where we both can talk without one storming off will help see things clearly.

You are not at all correct to think or want to think that he is fantastic dad. Women in abusive situations often write that about their man when they themselves have NOTHING else positive to write about them.
He is not a nice Dad to your child because he is treating you, his child's mother, with the utmost contempt.

Would you want this for your son, to grow up thinking that it is right for women (and his major influence is you, after all we learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents) to be treated as you are?. You are showing your son currently that your man's abusive treatment of you is acceptable to you.

Your son does not so much love this man so much as fear him. He will come to fear his dad because his Dad could act in the same ways towards him as he does towards you now.

"I do have a way out, I could leave.
I just love him and want this to work.
I want my child to have both their parents and remain happy.
It's not 100% shit and it's not the family part.
It's us as the couple."

Well leave then!.

Love is not enough in these situations, you cannot rescue and or save someone like this. He was never your project to rescue and or save.

Your child will grow up within an abusive home environment if you were to choose to stay (for what reasons?. Also your son won't thank you for staying because there are no medals handed out either for martyring yourself). Your child will not be happy by seeing and hearing his dad's private war with you.

Its not working now and it will never work out. Abusers can be nice sometimes so that may be the reasoning behind your its not 100% shit comment but its not great and this is certainly not an example of how a emotionally healthy relationship should be conducted. The best outcome here is for this man and you to separate. There is really no other way forward.

Jan45 Thu 24-Apr-14 13:15:49

He doesn't care how you feel and he is showing your child that you should treat your lady with nothing but contempt:

*He's always putting me down and letting me know I'm a lesser person than him. He is the bread winner and he thinks my job is insignificant.
When we discuss this he blames it all on me, the reason he doesn't give affection is because I'm needy, or I ask for it, or because he doesn't respect me.
I end up apologising and saying il make an effort to change.*

Read this again OP, seriously, you are being verbally abused, please dig deep somewhere inside and give yourself the permission to be treated with kindness and respect.

BohdiSaurus Thu 24-Apr-14 13:17:43

He's not nasty... He is just not affectionate. He says I don't give him a chance to be. Or that I'm too needy. But I'm not all over him....even when I say goodnight love you...he won't say I love you too...because I've said it to get him to say it.
I think he's fallen out of love with me and no I don't want to be in a loveless relationship. It's been going on too long and I'm ready and willing to start again alone. I just wonder if the counselling will help, it's not something I've tried before.
Or showing him this thread...other peoples opinions might make him see he is wrong!

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