Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How do you deal with someone that doesn't seem to like you?

(39 Posts)
floraldora Thu 24-Apr-14 10:20:07

I have a close friend that I've been friends with for over 20 years; we were at secondary school together. We're good friends but we're not inseparable.

About 2 years ago my friend became good friends with another woman, whom she met through the school that her DC goes to. The woman's child is in the same year as my friend's child.

Since they became good friends, my friend has often brought this other woman along when we meet up. Which is fine, because the more the merrier and all that. However there's often a bit of a vibe that this other woman just doesn't like me. It's really hard to put my finger on it, but there is a definite frostiness from her, and I'm really unsure about how to deal with it.

For example, when we're all chatting she is always very "off" with me, whilst at the same time being warm and friendly towards me friend. I'll ask her a question and get a one word answer, or sometimes she'll take the mickey quite nastily out of something I've talked about and then explode in peals of laughter, whilst looking at my friend. I am a warm, friendly, chatty person, and I always try to treat people like I would like to be treated myself, so I don't think I'm coming across as aloof or unfriendly or anything like that.

Generally if ever there is anyone else there, she is always nice to them but is just so frosty with me. We are facebook friends and I make an effort to like and comment on her photos and statuses when I go on there, but she has never once commented on or liked anything of mine. I know Facebook is rubbish and not a true indication of real life, however she is on there all the time and I see on my newsfeed that she is very active on there and chatty and friendly, yet she snubs me.

I am really at a loss as to why she is like this. The only thing that I can think of, is that my friend has form for being bitchy about others behind their backs (she has been a bit bitchy about this woman's size/weight behind her back in the past), and that this woman has decided that she doesn't like me because my friend has bitched about me. I've always kind of turned a blind eye to my friend's bitching and just assumed she doesn't do it about me, but she must, as she does it about others, surely?

I just wondered if anyone had any advice on how to deal with the woman that doesn't seem to like me? Should I tackle her?

NigellasDealer Thu 24-Apr-14 10:21:48

I would dump the pair of them tbh

floraldora Thu 24-Apr-14 10:27:24

I'm really reluctant to do that, Nigella, as I've known my friend for a long time. However I am thinking that I may have to take a step back from them both?

NigellasDealer Thu 24-Apr-14 10:28:43

well what you described with "sometimes she'll take the mickey quite nastily out of something I've talked about and then explode in peals of laughter, whilst looking at my friend" really doesnt sound as though your 'friend' is real.

SatansFurryJamHats Thu 24-Apr-14 10:29:38

If you tackle her she'd probably just brush it off and deny it and carry on.

Life's too short to keep making an effort with people who carry some inexplicable baggage around about you, so ditch the FB friendship if it troubles you (or Hide her).

If your friend has form for talking about others behind their back then you have to decide if it's worth trying to continue the friendship at the level it's always been at or if you just want to enjoy days/nights out with no personal stuff shared.

oldgrandmama Thu 24-Apr-14 10:30:23

What MigellasDealer suggested! ^

They sound a pair of right cows ... (sorry, cows)

LiberalLibertine Thu 24-Apr-14 10:31:21

So being so nice! She's being snotty for what ever reason, who cares? She sounds a dick.

Next time you're due to meet with your friend say 'can it be just us? I get a weird vibe from friend b, and cba dealing with her anymore' defriend her from fb and pretend you never met her, life's too short.

littlegreengloworm Thu 24-Apr-14 10:31:39

I have a friend who is very nasty about everyone else and I know she must be doing it about me too. Very false, but I can't prove it. So I keep my distance.

Also she will only tell her good news ie. when she's passed her driving test or got a job. Nothing bad. She was in a relationship for a year and I've heard nothing about his whereabouts. It's very strange. Like life is all about appearances of something.

littlegreengloworm Thu 24-Apr-14 10:31:58

It's over with him bit she never told anyone.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 24-Apr-14 10:34:34

Three's a crowd... She wants the original friend to herself and is freezing you out. The original friend seems quite happy to allow this. The pair of them sound like very hard work.

Fishstix Thu 24-Apr-14 10:34:38

If she makes nasty comments and then catches your friends eye what does your friend do? If she blanks it then it's just this woman being bitchy because she's jealous of your long standing friendship with your friend. If she laughs along then they're a pair of bitches taking the piss out of you and I'd get rid.

I HATE when this situation happens though, ime the friendlier you are the more she'll be frosty. She's jealous of or threatened by you in some way and being like this is how she is trying to regain power, it's a very common bullying tactic. I'd suggest trying to ignore it, but having been on the receiving end I know how impossible that is. Rest assured whatever problem she has is HER problem.

floraldora Thu 24-Apr-14 10:34:51

I think perhaps next time my friend wants to meet then I'll ask if it can just be me and her.

I am intrigued to know however why this woman doesn't seem to like me. Wish I could be a fly on the wall when her and my friend are together!

Quitelikely Thu 24-Apr-14 10:35:11

Those who gossip to you will gossip of you!

littlegreengloworm Thu 24-Apr-14 10:36:18

That would be a good idea to just have the two of you. Or ask her Arun to yours for lunch or something.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 24-Apr-14 10:36:49

She probably doesn't like you because she regards you as competition. Playground stuff really.

SatansFurryJamHats Thu 24-Apr-14 10:41:06

My friend has a school gate friend like that. I have absolutely no idea why she dislikes me. We were at a party one evening and her DH said "We'd better get her home before she drinks any more and starts getting nasty. Probably to you" WTF? grin

Waltermittythesequel Thu 24-Apr-14 10:43:29

You're being wendied!!!

floraldora Thu 24-Apr-14 10:44:49

Fishstix; sometimes my friend doesn't react, and at other times she laughs too.

Cogito, I think you're right that she does regard me as competition. She must be very insecure!

LadyMud Thu 24-Apr-14 10:54:24

" I think perhaps next time my friend wants to meet then I'll ask if it can just be me and her "
And give her even more to gossip about, behind your back? Best to quietly distance yourself for a while, I think. If she's a true friend, she'll be back.

ThePriory Thu 24-Apr-14 12:39:25

Move on from both of them! If your original friend ever notices, or seems miffed and asks, then you can explain everything...

upupupandaway Thu 24-Apr-14 13:29:57

I'm sure your original friend will eventually see he in her true colours. In the meantime I'd just back off a little, remain polite, and stop posting comments on their facebook.

SoleSource Thu 24-Apr-14 13:53:30

I have a friend and her friend doesn't like me. She is jealous. It's pathetic. I have. Never been anything but nice to her..

oldgrandmama Thu 24-Apr-14 14:04:42

I had a Best Friend once. I was really fond of her, often looked after her small child for the day while she went shopping in Oxford St. When I found out my 'D'H was shagging an OW, I used to cry in her arms.

I found out the OW was my 'best' friend! And while I was looking after her kid, she was rolling around in a motel room with my 'D'H!

'Friends', eh? (Must add, have had some lovely, supportive women friends since).

SoleSource Thu 24-Apr-14 14:22:01

shock. What a gigantic shit, old grandma

So sorry, flowers.

angry

Did you confront them?

oldgrandmama Thu 24-Apr-14 15:04:08

Thanks, SoleSource, but story had a happy ending ... I divorced the faithless shit after twenty years. He eventually married my ex 'best friend' (he needed her money to prop up his business) and the two of them have been miserable ever since. While I've never looked back!

She's now stuck with a lazy, critical couch potato, who isn't the exciting, debonair, generous guy she was having an affair with ... while I went on to marry an absolutely gorgeous man. We had three wonderful years together, before he suddenly died, but those three years made up for the twenty years of misery I endured thanks to her. I now live alone, five great grandchildren, lovely London home, and a gorgeous 'gentleman friend' who is a dead ringer for Clint Eastwood, I kid you not.

I still see her, and exH at family get-togethers involving grandkids' birthdays etc., and she absolutely SEETHES, but has to be polite because I am charm itself with her. She is still jealous of me - stole my husband but can't bear that it didn't destroy me.

There IS a God!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now