Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

When do you know its time to call it a day

(144 Posts)
divorceisthatmyonlyoption Wed 23-Apr-14 21:37:06

Ok, Ive name changed - penis cup, niace ham, lunch box police, nest of vipers, and all that.

Can someone please tell me when I will know what to do? Because I just cant figure it out

I just keep bursting into tears at the moment, I can not remember the last time I was happy or did not worry what was wrong with DH, or if DD was happy, or if I should call it a day and it that is the right thing or not. I find my self driving and suddenly relise that I am driving, I park the car and forget to lock it, I have locked the car and left the windows open. I just cant seem to think straight and all I want to do at the moment is run away, just go anywhere but here. My head feels like it too full and totally empty at the same time.

We never have sex, he bearly seems to remember im even here sometimes. I feel like I dont exsist, DD seems to swing between liking her dad and not liking him. She hates it when its his turn for stories or if I have to leave her with him - is that normal or not I have no idea anymore. I feel like Ive got two kids not one and a husband, its like having two.

Ive got raging insomia, I feel exhausted just trying to make it through the day. Im constantly ill, I have a ulcer, I find myself wishing that DH would do something anything, does nothing and I mean nothing, ever, I cant remember the last time he even helped tidy the house or played with dd.

I just dont know what to do, I dont know if this is all me and im just being really unfair, I dont even remember what being ME feels like, I dont know who I am anymore. Im just so tired and right now I feel so broken that I dont know what to do, or think.

divorceisthatmyonlyoption Sat 26-Apr-14 10:45:12

VSM - the work thing is a bit complicated and will out myself massively. Basically we set up our own business and live on the presmisses (started about 5 years ago) he did very little to begin with and about 2 years ago he litterally just stopped doing anything to do with the business or house.

Wigglylines - think my plann of campaign is going to be to suggest that we seperate for a while and both get some space. Then take it from there. I need things to stay fairly amicable for DD, etc and at the moment I think he is on the back foot and likely to come out fighting when actually it was him that told me it was over at the end of last night discussion. I need him to calm down a bit and we cant do that when we are both under each others feet. I also need a bit of breathing space to let the fog truely lift.

wigglylines Sat 26-Apr-14 10:57:21

That's great if he said he wanted to split (even if only in the heat of the moment). I'm not usually one for gameplaying, but I imagine it could help if he thinks it's his idea.

ILoveCoreyHaim Sat 26-Apr-14 11:31:15

But would you want your DD to have contact with him after what she has told you and what you have seen, i can't say i would be too keen in your situation. I think worrying about contact would be the last thing i would be concerned about at this point. If you do seperate it all may come flooding about what had been going on between him and DD if she feels more secure when he has gone

I would definately just approach it as you need a break, you have noticed im not happy/depressed (mentally ill !) , seperate for a while, he will come out fighting as hes going to loose a very good set up, him asking to end it is a control thing, my ex used to do it all the time and i used to panic. When we split i done the splitting, i told him i didnt want him there was miserable and helped him find a private flat. I think he was shocked i done it but we were that miserable he went and ive never looked back. I didnt have the situation though where he was ever abusive towards the 3 dd's.

We are still friends, he has full access to DDs and even watches the kids in my house when i work till 1am.

VeryStressedMum Sat 26-Apr-14 11:42:26

He really doesn't add anything to your life except misery stress and worry. You're working full time but he's not even a stay at home dad as he doesn't look after your dd and he does nothing around the house.
He's the one worried if you'll split up because you're the one earning the money, he lives (leeches) off you, you're more than able to look after yourself and your dd.
Him telling you it's over is trying to control the situation, maybe he thinks by him saying it you'll panic about losing him but really what is there to lose? And at the end of the day it doesn't actually matter who says it.
But be prepared that he doesn't actually want to split up and he's just saying it.

nicenewdusters Sat 26-Apr-14 13:14:55

Glad to see things have moved on since I posted here yesterday, you're being incredibly brave. Sorry that you're feeling so isolated. Despite your parents having their own issues at the moment, could this not be the time to tell them, at least in part, some of the issues that you're facing ? Presumably you are going to collect your daughter later, could you speak to them then ? Why not pack a bag and, if when you go to leave your parents home you just don't want to return to him - don't. He's going to have had all day to stew about your conversations, is that going to be a good situation to return to with your daughter ?

I'm really not trying to be alarmist but, from my own experience, these men can play with your mind so much you end up behaving totally irrationally, i.e not leaving, and feeling sorry for them, when infact you should be running for the hills ! Also, if your parents were anything like mine they will know/suspect so much more than you think about your situation. Once my dad knew the full extent of what I had been going through I know he would have liked to confront him himself - now I wish I'd let him !

Please remember you owe this man nothing, think about your life before you met him, were you anxious/depressed/scared/living in a fog/doubting your every move ? Of course you weren't. An earlier poster questioned what your upcoming talk with him was going to be for. I think this is important. You can't resolve the situation or change him. You want to leave, and you know you should. Who cares how he feels ? Yes, he's upset, but not about or for you, but because he can see his little world about to crumble. Good. Just think of yourself and your daughter and continue being brave and strong, we're all behind you.

nicenewdusters Sun 27-Apr-14 12:39:35

Just wanted to check you were okay op ? How are things going, did you return home with your daughter yesterday ? I won't be able to post again until later today or tomorrow, didn't want to just post and run. Take care.

knowledgeispower Sun 27-Apr-14 12:52:49

Another one here wondering how you are OP? [Thanks]

You really have done such an amazing thing for you and DD.

knowledgeispower Sun 27-Apr-14 12:54:23

thanks flaming phone!!

nicenewdusters Sun 27-Apr-14 22:50:59

Just checking in that you're ok ? hope the lack of posts is a positive thing, i.e you're busy sorting things out for you and your dd, or getting some much needed rest at your parents. Good luck with the school tomorrow if you have decided to approach them, I think it sounds like an excellent idea.

wigglylines Sun 27-Apr-14 23:07:03

Just wanted to wish you luck and strength for talking to the school tomorrow.

I must admit also that I'm worried that he's pulled sone kind of stunt or got in your head ti manipulate the situation so he doesn't have to leave, but hopefully I'm just being a worrier.

severity Sun 27-Apr-14 23:12:31

You must do what makes you truely happy. Because if youre not truely happy and able to be yourself then your dd wont be happy either. If the ability to be yourself truely< for the sake of your dd, means splitting up, then you need to do this, so that your dd can connect with the true you...

wigglylines Mon 28-Apr-14 11:33:35

I hope all goes well at school today.

nicenewdusters Mon 28-Apr-14 16:30:32

Did you speak to your daughter's school today, if so, how did it go? If you've changed your mind about leaving or your future course of action please don't not post, no one will judge you. We're on the outside looking in, you're living it, so the advice we give is a million times easier to offer than to take and act upon.

It took me years to take my own advice. My only regret is not taking it sooner. I always vowed if I saw somebody struggling in my old type of life, I would try and help. It's one of the few good things that can come out of such an experience. I find it alarming that so many threads on this topic are about women being mistreated by bullies, who rob them of their self esteem and ultimately their future. If you can, let us know how things are going.

divorceisthatmyonlyoption Mon 28-Apr-14 21:08:55

Sorry everyone it's been a trying few days to say the least

But dh has gone for now atleast, not sure what will happen now beyond the fact that I need to sleep - feel dead on my feet

Spoke to school and bought them upto date on what's happening and my concerns they are going to keep and eye on the situation and will report anything dd might say direct to me. Dh has been removed from the pick up list for now. They have facilities to help dd if necessary but they have no direct concerns themselves for the moment. They were very nice and supportive and told me to speak to them anytime i have any concerns at all. Couldn't have asked for better really

I'm going to try and sleep - I know it's early but it's all I want to do for the moment

ChasedByBees Mon 28-Apr-14 22:10:46

Glad to hear he's gone. One step at a time OP thanks

Handywoman Mon 28-Apr-14 22:32:21

Ah well done OP you are doing just fine thanks

I really hope you got some sleep and feel a bit better this morning.
Very pleased that the school are being so helpful as well.
One step at a time, One day at a time.
Keep going and look after yourself. Eat and drink.
It's hard I know but you need to.
Sugary tea and orange juice ice lollies were my friends.

nicenewdusters Wed 30-Apr-14 22:47:15

So pleased to read your update. I feel relieved to know that you and your daughter are now away from that man. Hope amongst the tiredness and upset you're starting to be able to feel some relief.

As other posts have said, be kind to yourself. Sleep as much as you can, eat and drink all those things that make you feel good. Use up all your best bubble bath/body lotion etc, pamper yourself.

I hope your daughter is doing okay. She must be seeing a difference in you, and hopefully feeling it herself. Carry on being strong, I'm so impressed with what you've done.

Bigbird01 Wed 30-Apr-14 23:56:02

OP I wish I'd seen this thread earlier. I recognise the fog, the trying to work out a plan, the suddenly just blurting it out (off plan), the relief...

Well done for getting this far, you're doing amazingly well. Please, please, please stay strong and don't allow him to talk you into 'giving it one more try'. I did and lived another 10 months of misery before I finally ended it for good last October.

Right now my children are happier and more confident, I'm happier and more confident. My ex is still a miserable shit, but he is actually making an effort with the DCs now (he only has them one night a week, but he actually tries to spend time with them - not hide in the garage smoking). Most importantly though, we don't have to live with the constant anxiety of when will his next explosion be. He does still shout at the DCs, but nowhere near as much or as viciously, and he has only shouted at me once since he moved out.

It's no bed of roses, but it is a huge step from 6 months ago. Hope you start to feel in the same place soon.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now