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When do you know its time to call it a day

(144 Posts)
divorceisthatmyonlyoption Wed 23-Apr-14 21:37:06

Ok, Ive name changed - penis cup, niace ham, lunch box police, nest of vipers, and all that.

Can someone please tell me when I will know what to do? Because I just cant figure it out

I just keep bursting into tears at the moment, I can not remember the last time I was happy or did not worry what was wrong with DH, or if DD was happy, or if I should call it a day and it that is the right thing or not. I find my self driving and suddenly relise that I am driving, I park the car and forget to lock it, I have locked the car and left the windows open. I just cant seem to think straight and all I want to do at the moment is run away, just go anywhere but here. My head feels like it too full and totally empty at the same time.

We never have sex, he bearly seems to remember im even here sometimes. I feel like I dont exsist, DD seems to swing between liking her dad and not liking him. She hates it when its his turn for stories or if I have to leave her with him - is that normal or not I have no idea anymore. I feel like Ive got two kids not one and a husband, its like having two.

Ive got raging insomia, I feel exhausted just trying to make it through the day. Im constantly ill, I have a ulcer, I find myself wishing that DH would do something anything, does nothing and I mean nothing, ever, I cant remember the last time he even helped tidy the house or played with dd.

I just dont know what to do, I dont know if this is all me and im just being really unfair, I dont even remember what being ME feels like, I dont know who I am anymore. Im just so tired and right now I feel so broken that I dont know what to do, or think.

divorceisthatmyonlyoption Thu 24-Apr-14 01:30:00

Bird I think he's here because his life is actually pretty good. He doesn't cook or clean, he doesn't work, he has a roof and food in the cupboards which he likes, he gets to have zero resonsibilty or worries. Whilst I run myself ragged and try to keep everything working he sits and plays on his xbox. I have all the responsibilities, worries etc I think he sorted of started taking me for granted and yes I feel like he sees no value in me.
His last little jibe was that I no longer had the weight advantage

It doesn't sound that bad really but it really stung me as I have battled problems with my weight for years an he knows how shit I felt about being so over weight ( it want my fault I have a medical condition and the tablets I'd been on for years were changed and the weight started to fall off) but to me it's a very painful subject and it was the tone he said it in and then telling me it was a hilarious joke that I should be laughing at and how he never said a word when I was huge etc. it made me feel about an inch tall to be honest. Maybe I'm just over reacting though

wyrdyBird Thu 24-Apr-14 01:38:29

No you aren't over reacting. His remark was designed to sting.

Perhaps you can't see it all clearly yet because some of this feels normal for you? In other words, being treated as if you don't matter, and as if your interests and feelings are irrelevant, has happened to you before.

To be in a situation like this does age you. He's making full use of you, and draining you down like a battery. He knows what he gets out of the relationship...my question was really, why is he in your life, from your point of view. He seems to bring nothing good to your relationship, or your life.

wallypops Thu 24-Apr-14 05:08:01

Nothing good for you in this relationship. Just separate ASAP. You will soon see yourself again plus get some time off when he he's your daughter. Don't let that not happen because we all need a couple of weekends off a month. He also needs to know what being a dad is about and it sounds like they need to reconnect.

myroomisatip Thu 24-Apr-14 06:34:45

Wow that sounds horrendous.

Is it possible you could get away from him for a week or so? I think you would benefit massively from some time on your own.

He is dragging you down. I would be making definite plans to get him out of the house if I were you.

SallyannFanackapan Thu 24-Apr-14 07:14:51

Morning, hope you had a reasonable night. I have to tell you that this isn't a normal relationship. Yes you have to work in a marriage/partnership but that doesn't mean hard labour!
He's happy as long as you continue to provide and just, well, don't get in his way it seems.
My view is that you need to start focussing on you - forget about the idiot & spend what little energy you have on you. Disengage from him.
Get a notebook & start writing down how you feel,(hide it in the bathroom or something so he can't mock and you have privacy) if only to give yourself an anchor & things to reflect on. Don't try to eat the elephant all at once by making huge gestures- it seems to me you need to get back in touch with yourself first, then build up the strength you'll need to deal with his nonsense.
FWIW I think he's rotten to you. Ignoring you while you slept in a chair for weeks due to illness?? There's no cherishing going on here, is there?! Are you due any holidays? Can you at least go away for a long weekend, with the aim of really listening to yourself & beginning to acknowledge your own value? That's the truly important bit because while you feel you have no value, you will continue to accept a shoddy life for yourself.
Good luck. However lost at sea you feel now, make this the first day of the rest of your life. You have a right, and you are worth it.

divorceisthatmyonlyoption Thu 24-Apr-14 07:38:51

Morning all, thank you very much

The thing is I was away for 4 nights the week before Easter for something work related and I actually started to feel a little like me, you know my music in the car, no one pulling me down, it wasn't until I came back that I realised I was in tears at the thought of going back. It auddenly hit me that i was totally miserable And i hadnt even noticed. I just wanted to run away, the funny thing was I wanted to get to dd and to work and was looking forward to that I just didn't want to get back to dh.

Btw dd was looked after by my Parents whilst I was away as dh can't be trusted

I think I will buy a diary today and jut start writing a few things down each day - maybe then it will all start to become a bit clearer when I can get stuff out of my head.

wigglylines Thu 24-Apr-14 07:54:40

You need to make a plan to get out, or to get him to go, that's the way out of this fog.

What woukd he do if you asked him to leave?

ravenmum Thu 24-Apr-14 08:02:10

In my case the split has come from my husband, and was unexpected. But even though I didn't want it I am starting to see some positive effects. He had a big ugly gym machine taking up half the bedroom, which he never used but didn't want to get rid of. I've got someone coming to pick it up next week. I could never talk back to his overbearing dad as it would create a bad atmosphere. Now I've just told him to stop doing the things I don't like (e.g. ruffling my hair!) and he can get annoyed all he likes, it makes no difference. We never bought new furniture for the living room as my husband is indecisive. Now I've thought that when he goes, I could chuck out the ugly old furniture without him going on about how valuable it is (it is cheap tat). I'm sure I'll be bawling my eyes out when he moves out (he is indecisive about this too), but I am starting to see that I could do what I feel like and that seems good. Maybe one day I'll even find a partner that I can be with, but still do what I feel like. Relationships require compromise but not so much that your main feeling is resentment.

ThePriory Thu 24-Apr-14 08:14:08

It sounds as through he is completely using you. You have provided a nice home for him, he doesn't work, doesn't help around the house, doesn't care when you have bronchitis and moans about the Vic smell???

There is no question, is there.

The law will be totally on your side, and your family and friends will be too.

Your diary will be able to help you clearly pinpoint your reasons for getting a divorce.

List them as they happen - start with "No care when I was raging ill with Bronchitis" and every other neglectfull thing. He is neglecting you and using you, you just need the confidence to move on.

RandomFriend Thu 24-Apr-14 08:17:56

You might find some of the links at the top of this thread useful.

ChasedByBees Thu 24-Apr-14 08:34:09

He adds nothing to your home - not financially, emotionally, responsibly (not looking after his DD, not cleaning). It sounds like he does nothing. Actually nothing. I really don't understand why you are needing to consider this.

On top of that, all the food in the house, all the decoration (that I presume you've bought) is bought with his tastes in mind. Start buying food you like. Start soon what you want to do. It is shocking - really shocking - that he objects to you having one night to yourself.

He is a leech. I've been in a similar relationship, before kids thank god and I ended up so mentally drained and almost agoraphobic through stress. Within two weeks of leaving it was like a weight had been lifted. It will be for you too. Start seperation ASAP. This is the time. People would seperate for far, far less.

divorceisthatmyonlyoption Thu 24-Apr-14 09:20:42

That's exactly what it feels like - like I'm a battery being drained down, or like I have a weight on my shoulders that I can't shift, like my brain is full of fog or spaghetti or quick sand or something like there is no space for thought and reason, like if I try to think through something it jut pulls a load of other stuff with it into a big knot and the more I try to undo it the tighter it gets

Like I said it feels like I've compromised myself away.

I feel thin like I've been pulled apart or hollow like there nothing left inside of me, like all I have left is the need to function.

It sort of like all of a sudden I can see properly again like a fog had gone from my eyes and I can see that I'm miserable. Like my brain refused to let me see it before or something.

My guess is he will be really unpleasant, difficult and possibly nasty. I did think about saying could we have a break for a but just to get a but of space but I know he won't take that well. What's worse is that mil is totally insane (seriously she has npd if not sorting much worse) we've been nc for 8 years or so, but I suspect he will probably go home fairly quickly and then all hell will kick off.

I've got to make sure dd is safe, so I think maybe first port of call is to go back to the solicitors with all the paper work and go through everything in detail to be certain of where I stand with maintence visitation ect, we did go through it but I would like to do so again before I do anything else

Is that the right thing do you think?

What would be the next step?

divorceisthatmyonlyoption Thu 24-Apr-14 09:22:21

Ransom thanks I'll check the link out when I'm on a pc and alone - posting this on my iPhone as I know he can't check the history and see what I've been doing. Maye that's weird but I need some head space iyswim

ChasedByBees Thu 24-Apr-14 09:30:12

Solicitors is a good step, citizens advice would be too to make sure you have everything prepared. I would take your and your DC's passports , any precious photos and store them somewhere safe.

At some point though you just have to start it. It will be unpleasant but think of it like ripping off a plaster. It is necessary for your life to improve.

What do you mean by your DH will get unpleasant or nasty? If he's actively threatening, you can call 101 for support from the police and they can remove him.

Others will have better advice when they've been through this before. I was young and had little commitments when I left my DP so I just left our home a month after we split.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 24-Apr-14 09:44:03

" I was in tears at the thought of going back. "

I think, when you ask at what point you call it a day, the above is probably as good as it gets.

You uncertainty is understandable. You sound like someone who has life quite well-organised otherwise. You don't sound like a risk-taker, you need to 'make sure'. You don't want to cause upset or hurt but you're anticipating hostility & disruption - so that's a barrier. Above all, I think you're worried that you're basing a decision on.... apologies if it's not the right word .... emotion. Or at any rate some feeling that you're being impulsive.

A solicitor is therefore a good move because the one they thing they don't really deal in is emotion. They can give you facts and figures and show you the procedures. I could be wrong but I think you will find that process as reassuring as others find counselling. It will cut through the 'fog' you describe and give you a plan to project-manage. When you feel more in control, I think the rest will fall into place.

Good luck

divorceisthatmyonlyoption Thu 24-Apr-14 10:55:06

CogitoErgosometimes - do you know me? you are spot on the money, I think with my head not my heart normally, and tend to base things on fact. But the fact is I DONT know HOW to do something based on how I feel. Ive put other people first my entire life and I guess I am not used to thinking about what I want or need. It seems wrong to me on some level, becuase DH says hes fine. DD is ok MOSTLY so its just me that is miserable and it seems incredibly selfish to risk two other peoples happiness for my own - iyswim?

DD and My passports are in my handbag - have been for over a year. Important photos are on a hard drive, There are a few bits and pieces that I could probably give to my parents without arrousing suspicion so that they are kept safe.

Ok heres what I think Im going to do. I am going to photo copy all the important docs - that I need for the solicotor etc, Ill give one copy to ths solictors and keep another some where (maybe even at work so I have an emergency copy) Im going to claim that I am trying to get the house straight and Mum and Dad have agreed to store a few things in there garage (quite plausable), Im going to pack an emergency bag for Me and DD and Ill sneak that into the garage - just incase things get really difficult and I need to get her or me out of it for a while. My Dad is due surgery is has limited mobility so I could always claim that Mum and Dad need some help for a bit if that is the easier way to get out. Im definately going to start keeping a diary of things that are going on.

Would I be totally insane to speak to school? DD has said a few things that cause me a little concern about how DH is with her and I trust her teacher, so I was thinking that maybe they could keep an eye out incase.

Ive got an old bank account that DH doesnt know about and I think I might start putting a little money aside, just in case. (Solicitors fees or if I need to get away, or if there is a problem etc).

Even though I am still not 100% certain of what I want to do, at least that way I would have things in place.

Will definately make another appointment with the solicitor.

Does that all seem like a sensible idea?

Thanks really, although Im still crying at random points - its really is random. My head is feeling a little clearer already - not that I know what to do but rather I feel less foggy, that probably makes zero sense.

The thing is, if there was some sort of "proper" reason it would be so easy to make this decision but there isnt a proper reason.

The solicitor said to me the other day, that it is important to do nothing untill I am in the dominate position, ie know exactly where I stand and get all my stuff in a line first before taking the next step that seems like good advice, do you think?

divorceisthatmyonlyoption Thu 24-Apr-14 11:05:48

Oh crap.

Does your partner speak to you differently in private and in public? YES

Do you often leave a discussion with your partner feeling completely confused? DEFINATELY

Does your partner deny being angry or upset when he/she very obviously is? TOTALLY

Does your partner act as though you were attacking them when you try to explain your feelings? OH GOD YES

Does your partner discount your opinions or experiences? SORT OF

You feel as though no matter how hard you try, you just don't seem to be able to communicate your thoughts and feelings to your partner as he/she always seems to misunderstand you, and/or it always seems to cause an argument no matter how you try to approach the subject? 1000% YES

Do you feel nervous or avoid discussing issues which disturb you with your partner because you 'know' that trying to discuss them will just leave you feeling even more upset? TOTALLY

Do you feel as though your self-esteem and your self-confidence have decreased? WHAT SELF ESTEEM OR SELF CONFIDENCE I HAVE NONE LEFT

Do you find yourself spending a lot of time working out either how not to upset your partner or wondering what you did or said which did upset your partner? I AM SICK TO DEATH TRYING TO WORK OUT WHAT I HAVE DONE WRONG OR WHATS UPSETTING HIM

That is not good is it?

Thanks Random

DontWantToBeRecognized Thu 24-Apr-14 11:11:03

You seem to be doing the right thing.
Most if the things (symptoms ) you are talking about are stress related and stress also lower your immune system leading to chest infections etc....

The issue is the fact you don't have a relationship at all. Just a man that lives with you, expects you to do everything in the house and to do everything as it pleases him. There is no space for you, your taste etc in there.

Tbh I suspect that as soon as he is gone, you will find again that you can be happy and have a spring in your step!
Remember too that wanting to stop a relationship is enough of a reason to do so. You are clearly unhappy and Taft is another very good reason. You don't need him to be cheating, abusive etc to cl it a day.

Good luck with the next steps. It will be worth it.

oldgrandmama Thu 24-Apr-14 11:14:37

Oh, OP, a BIG RED FLAG is now waving at me - your comment about DD has said a few things that cause me a little concern about how DH is with her and I trust her teacher, so I was thinking that maybe they could keep an eye out incase.

Is your concern that he is in some way harming her? If that is so, then it's a whole new ballgame and needs action FAST. I hope I'm wrong.

divorceisthatmyonlyoption Thu 24-Apr-14 11:27:50

Oldgrandmama - I don�t know. thats the problem.

He has a temper, but has only smacked her once - it was a couple of years ago and I was totally livid the situation was entirely wrong and I had a right go at him and kept having a go at him (NOT infront of DD - but I did make him appologise to her). I told him I needed his word that I would never happen again - he said he couldnt give it, that no one could say they would never act like that again. He actually pciked her up and ran her away from me screaming and then continued to scream at her. She was litterally histerical. I tried to get between them and I felt that he pushed me away, DD said that he pushed me away. DH said that he put his hand up to stop me getting inbetween them and that I was being hysterical.

There are other things, but I dont know if their normal or not. EG: we have a long drive - she runs up the drive towards him and he will litterally turn his back and walk away so when she gets there he has gone back inside. It seems to break her heart.

I came in the other day and found her hystrical on the sofa, when I had calmed her down she said her side hurt (she was sat on DH lap at the time) and when I looked she had a pink mark on her side that was a perfect hand print. She said she told daddy her was hurting her when he was carrying her but he didnt stop. He said he was holding on as she is heavy (she is a big girl - not fat, very tall she in age 11-12 clothes etc) the mark vanished within a few mins etc there is no bruise or anything. but it was definately a perfect hand print and nothing else

She was hysterical last night when being brought home, and said that daddy bites her and it hurts, but ive never seen any marks or anything.

She is a good kid, but occassionally tells a few little lies. So I dont know for certain what is true and what is not.

By the same note she seems to want to spend time with him, etc but she is definately a mummies girl (but to be fair DH doesnt seem to spend any time with her - or want to)

There are other things, but they seem so odd and strange that you will probably all think I am a raving lunatic if I told you

I try and make sure they are not left alone together - I dont know why, but there is something inside of me that just doesnt like the thought of it.

divorceisthatmyonlyoption Thu 24-Apr-14 11:28:44

Sorry that might not be clear.

DD was screaming when DH picked her up and ran away with her.

oldgrandmama Thu 24-Apr-14 11:35:20

WHAT???? And he's still around you and your child? I am speechless.

divorceisthatmyonlyoption Thu 24-Apr-14 11:40:29

Is it really that bad?

I just dont know, I thought it was totally out of line at the time, but we talked about it and somehow what he said seemed to make so much sense.

Thats the problem, he seems to make me so bloody confused that in the end I cant even remember really what my point was. its like trying to talk to someone that cant even see your point of view and just keeps on at you untill you cant see your point of view anymore.

The trouble is he is so plausable and nice and everything, but its like his personality is dependant on how he is wants it to be.

Why cant I see what everyone else seems to see, Im so bloody confused its like I cant think straight.

knowledgeispower Thu 24-Apr-14 11:42:02

OP, thank you for posting. It's another lightbulb moment for me. I have some time off work at the moment and I should be enjoying it! Instead I'm dread going back to the house as I feel like I can't enjoy my home with him just sat there like a sack of shite ;-)

Me and DD have just spent two weeks away with family at the other end of the country and it was bliss. Didn't miss him or any or the stress, arguing or general 'uncomfortable' feeling.

It really sounds like you have turned a corner in your thinking. You and dd have an exciting future ahead, as do me and dd smile

divorceisthatmyonlyoption Thu 24-Apr-14 11:44:05

can someone please tell me what is normal, please I am litterally begging because I just dont know.

What am I supposed to feel about all this, just lay it out for me becuase I cant work it out.

IS DD NOT SAFE, IS SHE NOT HAPPY, IS THIS JUST ALL WRONG?

I actually dont care about me, I just want to know what is the right thing to do to make sure she is happy and safe.

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