Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Abusive twat H or am i to blame?

(41 Posts)
AChickenNamedDirk Wed 23-Apr-14 20:03:40

So am I in the wrong here or is he an arse? ?

I asked him a question over the long weekend. It was about whether something was a danger to young DD- hot drink on the side. He said no. I then thought I could see steam coming from the cup so I asked again.
He snapped, bit my head off that I had a) asked again b) not checked myself c) not believed him.

I told him there was no need to talk to me in that way. He said he wouldnt have to if I actually listened to him. I said there is still no need to talk to me like that.

He flipped out, shouting and swearing (in front of young kids) that he is fed up with my telling him not to talk to me in a tone (he talks to me in a rude manner a lot IMO).
Slammed doors, threated to not talk to me at all if I didnt like it.
He hasnt spoken to me since this happened.

Am I at fault here for not trusting/ provoking? or is he just an arsehole.

I suppose that I basically called him out on the way he talks to me and he doesnt like it but I do feel that maybe it was my fault..

He has form on angry shouting and stone walling.

I find the silence absolutely hellish. I am on edge and feeling physically ill. I am dealin with this ono top of depression which is exacerbated by his mood issues. Things really arent great just now. sad

AChickenNamedDirk Wed 23-Apr-14 20:04:11

Im a regular. have name changed.

mangomodellingclay Wed 23-Apr-14 20:08:54

He is just an arsehole. You have done nothing wrong.
thanks

deste Wed 23-Apr-14 20:10:41

Your right, he is an arse. Anyone who thinks having hot steaming cups around children is an idiot.

talulahbelle Wed 23-Apr-14 20:13:13

He's an idiot. I've made it clear to my DH tone of voice is as important as what you say, no one likes sarcasm or rudeness. Try telling him that tomorrow when he has calmed down - his reaction will tell you a lot.

AChickenNamedDirk Wed 23-Apr-14 20:13:25

cup was actually empty. I was having a funny moment....

AChickenNamedDirk Wed 23-Apr-14 20:14:18

I am wondering if he will ever calm down tbh

ThePriory Wed 23-Apr-14 20:14:29

Yes and anyone who throws a temper tantrum when asked to talk nicely is a gigantic manchild. His anger issues will not be solved by you I'm afraid...

AChickenNamedDirk Wed 23-Apr-14 20:16:58

what do I do about someone with anger issues. I cant solve it, he wont solve it (i should imagine).

LTB the only option?

JeanSeberg Wed 23-Apr-14 20:21:49

Yes and in bet you'll find your depression magically lifts or significantly improves.

AnyFucker Wed 23-Apr-14 20:24:56

This is the second time I have typed this sentence on MN today

you will probably find your MH issues magically ease when you dump this twat

AChickenNamedDirk Wed 23-Apr-14 20:28:19

I've actually wondered about that myself Jean and AF.

How do I handle a stone waller? If I tell him that the marriage is over Im afraid of his reaction. Shall i just see a solicitor and get a letter issued.

I am being very black and white about this. I am probably in shock as the realisation of the marriage being over has been dawning on me today.

ThePriory Wed 23-Apr-14 20:29:29

Well it's LTB Or put up with his manchild anger for ever your choice!

AChickenNamedDirk Wed 23-Apr-14 20:31:18

It seems so clear written here but reality of breaking up the family is massive. My parents divorced and it was awful and I never wanted to do that to my kids.

Looks like I am going to have to...

AnyFucker Wed 23-Apr-14 20:31:31

When you say you are afraid of his reaction, do you mean he would be verbally abusive or even violent ?

Perhaps a call to Woman's Aid to get some advice and support is in order. Do your family and friends know how badly you are feeling ? Start gathering some RL support and see a solicitor to get your financial ducks in order. Don't tell him anything at all yet though. An abusive man will often ramp it up when it dawns their victim is slipping through their fingers.

AChickenNamedDirk Wed 23-Apr-14 20:35:41

THanks AF.

I am worried about the verbal abuse. he can really pelt it out at volume...

Only one friend knows how things are. Everyone else thinks things are ok.

I will try and get a solicitor. Fortuanately i work so can be financially independent of him

How do i respond to his stone walling now?

AnyFucker Wed 23-Apr-14 20:36:25
AnyFucker Wed 23-Apr-14 20:37:31

In summary, disengage in the short term

In the long term, get free of it

Anoriginalname Wed 23-Apr-14 20:41:38

I grew up in a home where my parents constantly argued, and clearly had little respect or love for each other. I vowed I wouldn't let my kids grow up like that, so I didn't. It certainly wasn't easy, hardest decision I've ever made. Especially as we had to live together for months whilst the house sold. Now mummy and daddy are both in a good place, with 3 well adjusted and happy kids that know they're loved and not being unintentionally snapped at by pissed off parents.

AChickenNamedDirk Wed 23-Apr-14 20:42:41

OK thanks. Thats really interesting. And spot on.. I need to look up sociopaths now....

I have disengaged as much as possible. Have made no contact today (after attempting a couple of messages yesterday so as not to be the party actively not speaking to the other). I will not talk to him unless he does to me and I will certainly not be asking him what is wrong.

Been there, got the t-shirt it wouldnt be pretty- it would reopen the shouting and moods.

AChickenNamedDirk Wed 23-Apr-14 21:27:31

Thanks anoriginal.

That's helpful. I just don't imagine that h would be a collaborative parent Certainly not initially anyway.

Anoriginalname Wed 23-Apr-14 22:39:09

True, some men can't get past the whack in their manhood that they've been dumped for being a knob. If it helps I had very little help, my mum was very sick, she helped where she could, but passed away after a few months. I don't have an extended family and close friends are spread all over the country now. Plus I'd moved to a new town for a 'fresh start' away from village gossips. But I survived with 3, the eldest a real daddy's boy, an autistic ds who hates disruption and a 4 yr old dd. he is a good dad, but he's a chef, so I don't get weekends off, he has them one night a week, but does to day times in school hols whilst I work. Yes I was scared, and would have much rather been able to get things back on track, but it is doable x

AChickenNamedDirk Thu 24-Apr-14 06:02:00

I'm so alone with this. He turned up last night late. Totally ignored my message about practical matters. Came to bed in the night.

I feel desperately alone and so anxious. sad

AnyFucker Thu 24-Apr-14 07:12:21

No man should be able to make you feel like this. Reach out to one person in RL today and tell them how things are for you. Start puncturing the denial.

Melonbreath Thu 24-Apr-14 07:21:35

Even if you were in the wrong that is no way to treat you or behave like that in front of kids.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now