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DP has anger issues

(53 Posts)
googoodolly Wed 23-Apr-14 17:17:52

I've name-changed for this. Sorry if it's long, I just need to get it out. DP and I are engaged and we've been together for 15 months. We live together, no DC.

On Saturday, we got into a huge argument. I don't even remember what it was about now, but it escalated and he got very angry. Eventually he broke down crying (first time ever) and told me that when he got angry, it was a defense thing - that he wasn't angry at whoever he was shouting at, he was angry at himself. We talked and he agreed to get help and see the doctor. He told me he wouldn't get angry with me anymore like that, and he made a GP appointment for next week.

Anyway, things since then have been tense between us. On Monday, it came to a head again and we had a corker of a row. I had a panic attack and I wanted a bath to calm down. He ran it for me and I asked him to leave me in peace for a bit. He got the huff and refused to leave the room (I was in the bath at this point) and I told him (yes, I know I shouldn't) that he was being a selfish idiot. He stormed out, then came back in, came right up into my face, bright red, and said "say that to my face." I couldn't back away and obviously I couldn't get up and leave the room. He stormed out after that.

I don't know what to do. Please don't say "LTB" because he's not a bad man. He's angry in a lot of aspects of his life, it's not exclusive to home - he gets angry with people at work and at minor incidents if things go wrong. He's agreed to get help and I'm going with him to his GP appointment next week, but he thinks everything should just go back to normal now 'cause he's apologised.

I don't know what advice I want here but I really needed to get it out. Sorry it's long.

wyrdyBird Wed 23-Apr-14 17:37:11

I'm sorry to say there is a problem there, and it's not going to be easy to deal with.

Anger is one thing; and deliberate, intimidating threats to someone you love, while they are in the bath, is quite another.

It's noticeable that he outright refused to respect your wishes and boundaries. This is an extremely controlling thing to do. It is not caused by anger.

If he was just angry, why didn't he get out of the room, and let his anger out some other way? Why did he choose to threaten you where you were trapped?

googoodolly Wed 23-Apr-14 17:46:53

I don't know, and neither does he. I confronted him about it afterwards and he just said that when he gets angry, he can't control his actions. Like, he said he knew what he was doing and that he shouldn't be doing it, but he couldn't stop himself.

He is a very impulsive person who doesn't really think before he speaks or does things. But he is the same outside of home. He's gotten angry at people at work before, and I've seen him get angry because he's received bad news or because something isn't going right in say, a video game or whatever.

It seems like he's an angry person in general and his parents have said he's always had a temper, so I don't believe it's just aimed at me, but I don't know what to do to help him?

Sorry I'm rambling!

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Wed 23-Apr-14 17:48:53

You don't do anything to help him. He needs to seek his own help if he wants to. He also needs to undertake to control himself or leave the home while he works on this issue because it's extremely unfair to you.

borisgudanov Wed 23-Apr-14 18:46:30

Is he like that with everyone or is it just you? If the latter, then these are not anger issues but being a nasty twat issues.

Hissy Wed 23-Apr-14 19:03:33

It takes 2years on average for an abusive man to make himself known.

His parents are telling you who he is, he is telling you who he is.

2 women a week are killed by their abusers. This is exactly how it starts.

Get him out of your life now, don't marry him, and for heaven's sake don't blight any child's life by inflicting them with him as a father.

maras2 Wed 23-Apr-14 19:09:25

LTB now;and yes he is a bad man. Re read your thread.

googoodolly Wed 23-Apr-14 19:09:58

Everyone. It's not just me.

He gets angry over video games, doing DIY, being kept awake by our loud flatmate, whatever. He's not abusive, he's just angry. I know it sounds like I'm making excuses but I'm not. We used to work together and before we got together, I saw him get angry/stressed with people at work.

He had a rough childhood and his mum left for nine years with no contact. I know he's still very angry with her because of it, and an ex of his stole from him and screwed him over financially and he has a lot of resentment there. I know he's not lying - I've seen police reports and I've been there when they've spoken to him about the case.

It's just confusing because it's such a small part of who he is, but it affects a whole load of things in our relationship.

heyho1985 Wed 23-Apr-14 19:11:36

My bf is like this. However he has never laid a hand on me or got in my face like yours has. There has been incidents in the past where he has thrown his phone across the room or once when we were in the pub and his team were losing he threw a pool cue across the room.

I have just about put up with it over the years but it is always at the back of my mind. I'm all for a man who can protect himself but if you feel threatened then it's not on. I do know how hard it is though so you have my thoughts :-(

AwakeCantSleep Wed 23-Apr-14 19:13:59

Run away. Imagine your own daughter was treated like that. What would you say to her?

He is really unfit to be in any relationship until he has learned to deal with his anger. This could take years of therapy/anger management courses.

His problems are not your fault, and you cannot 'heal' him. Please don't sign up to a lifetime of walking around on eggshells to avoid his angry outbursts.

HawthornLantern Wed 23-Apr-14 19:16:59

You ask that we don't say you should leave your fiancé, but you do need to think through some big questions.

Can you change your DP's anger? No. Only he could do that. Not even his parents who loved and cared for him throughout his formative years could do that.

How do you think you will feel in 5 years or 10 or 20 if these episodes continue? Why would they stop? What will happen to stop them - given that you can't stop them?

How will you feel if you have children and his anger is directed to them? Will you feel he is a good man then or will you be horrified and need to protect your little ones and find you are leaving him then?

No one wants to leave someone they love but you do need to be very clear sighted about the possible future you are signing up yourself for - and maybe children too.

I wish I could say "do this and this and then you will have your happy ending" but I truly do not think there is anything. I think you suspect that yourself and this is why you posted.

Please listen to posters like Hissy - she and others have lived experience that gives them so much insight and understanding - please use that to your advantage.

HawthornLantern Wed 23-Apr-14 19:19:55

Cross post - I see that his childhood had some tough issues. By all means be sympathetic - but these are still his issues to deal with. You can't do it for him.

Catsmamma Wed 23-Apr-14 19:22:12

it matters not a jot if it is JUST you.

he is an ANGRY and childish man...and it's not going to get any better.

I should say he needs to get help and to learn to deal with his responses in an appropriate manner and until he does that then you should, at the very least, step back from him.

I'd also lay money he would not lean over and yell in the face of someone bigger than him.

Each time he successfully intimidates or scares you it is one step nearer to the end....is this what you want?

How miserable are you now? How miserable do you want to become?

JustAboutAdeqeuate Wed 23-Apr-14 19:23:51

Don't marry this man. Seriously. Even without the threatening behaviour its just exhausting living with such an angry person. My ex has a temper, after 15 months it was a small thing, after 5 years I walked on eggshells all the time, afraid of provoking a fit of rage. When I ended it she had such a fit of temper, she pulled a curtain rail and curtains right out of the wall. This will be your life, your future childrens' lives. Don't do it to yourself.

Casmama Wed 23-Apr-14 19:25:36

He is telling you that he is unable to control his behaviour when angry. Either he's lying and is deliberately behaving this way towards you or even scarier he is telling you that anything could happen because he can't control it.
This is not a safe situation for you to be in.
I think you need to leave and if he can get help for his anger then maybe you have a chance in the future but please protect yourself now.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Wed 23-Apr-14 19:40:52

My ex was just like this. He wanted me to marry him but I never would have. Eventually he left me for another but she did me a favour in fact. He had had a terrible upbringing and I found out a lot more bad stuff about him after he left.
He was a well of anger and sometimes had no control.
He never got physical with me until after he left although I always felt at risk of it. He came back to get things from our garden that he should not have been taking, I challenged him and he came after me with a piece of wood. I saw his reflection in a window and I ran and locked myself in and threatened to call the police. That was the last day I saw him. If I had not seen the reflection I truly believe he would have killed me, he was really that bad.
We were on holiday once and he was in a shop. A bunch of lads (18/19/20yo) walked by and one of them leaned over and took the cap off the ball hitch on our car and he came out of the shop and punched the guy so hard in the face his nose was flat to his face! I was in the car shitting myself with fear. He just got in and we drove off!
I spent the entire relationship on eggshells and in a state of nerves. It was mostly low grade bad moods, resentment with the occasional 'red mist' episode. I assume he is still the same.
I used to think the way you do but I was wrong to defend him and try and keep the peace. He was a wrong un of the worse sort. For all I know he's doing time. I should have left after the first spectacular row or at least after the third or fourth. You can't mend him and I would advise you at least get distance while he gets help from GP/counselling etc. In reality though, I think you would be wise to get away from him. I'm sorry you have this in your life OP.

wyrdyBird Wed 23-Apr-14 19:41:06

From your description, he is angry and abusive, OP.

It's quite possible to have an anger issue with outsiders, and in life generally, and be abusive to your partner as well.

This is why I mentioned that he didn't have to intimidate you if he was just angry. He could have gone outside and dealt with his temper.

But he CHOSE to threaten you, while you were vulnerable and naked in the bath. Say that to my face leads you to ask the question, silently, what will you do if I do? And you know the answer.

Choosing not to respect your boundaries (leave the bathroom when asked) is a control issue, not an anger issue.

Telling you he can't control himself is an old chestnut of an excuse.

If a policeman made him angry, what would he do?
Or a small child?
Or an armed guard?

Either he can control himself more than he'll admit. Or he's not safe to be out in public.

googoodolly Wed 23-Apr-14 19:46:14

I'm not miserable at the moment. I just don't like seeing him behave the way he does. I am willing to stauy with him and help him through this - emotionally I have taken a step back and I have somewhere to go if I want to leave, so I'm not trapped here and staying because I have nowhere else to go.

He knows that if he does this again, I'm gone. He knows full well that I mean it. We had a frank conversation about it and he knows that if he does this again or refuses to get help, that's it. I'm not weak and I've left an abusive relationship before, and he knows it. He knows I will walk.

I'm not scared of him. I know he wouldn't lay a hand on me. But I just don't like being with an angry person. It's only about 1% of who he is, though, and I don't think that means he deserves to be given up on.

LEMmingaround Wed 23-Apr-14 19:50:49

You are still meant to be in the honeymoon period, but he is bellowing in your face?

Lweji Wed 23-Apr-14 20:54:42

Ask yourself this: do you want to have children with this angry person who can't control his anger?

Give yourself some strict boundaries and leave if they are crossed.

"It's only about 1% of who he is, though"

That's you in denial right there. This anger of his will consume this entire relationship and destroy it in the end.

You've stated to him that you would be prepared to walk but you have not gone yet. Why?. You may well have left one abusive relationship only to walk straight into another abusive one, albeit of a different type but abusive all the same.

I would suggest you read this link about loving an angry person and think very carefully about your own future within this relationship:-

www.angriesout.com/family2.htm

crispyporkbelly Wed 23-Apr-14 21:11:33

My god. The bit about him coming back in and squaring up to you left me cold, op.

I guarantee this man will get more and more abusive and will probably get physical once married/dcs.

littlegreengloworm Wed 23-Apr-14 21:14:10

There was a woman on here not long ago who was afraid for her baby be use of her angry partner, do you want that ?

I would go, leave him. It's not healthy at all.

Cabrinha Wed 23-Apr-14 21:18:47

OK, so you've decided to stay with him. I think it's the wrong choice, but it is your choice.

You ask for advice...

My advice is to write down EXACTLY what it is you will end it over. And stick to it. You said "if he does it again". What can't he do again? And by that token - what have you decided to let him get away with?
Can he be unfairly in a mood?
Break something as long as it's not his?
Shout at you as long as he doesn't get in your face?
Get in your face as long as he doesn't hit you?
Anything is OK as long as he's doing a token course?

Work out your boundary. Maybe share it here - even if you don't want to, consider whether you don't want to because deep down you know it wouldn't be right (to YOU, forget us).
Then stick to it.
I reckon if you really mean it, he'll be gone soon. No way is he not going to lose his temper with you again. Look at him - it was mere days after that he did it again.

You really want to live like this?
Are your boundaries too low because of an awful relationship before? Feel for you if so. Take care of yourselfz

badbaldingballerina123 Wed 23-Apr-14 22:02:11

If my dp raged in my face like that he'd be gone. End of.

Everybody gets angry , everybody. Your not dealing with an anger problem , your dealing with a entitled problem. Does he think he's some special Prince who should be able to do what he wAnts ? What on earth is attractive about a adult man tantrumming like a toddler? Have you ever seen him rage in a man's face ? While you say you've seen him get angry at work , I bet it wasnt anything on that scale or he'd have been sacked wouldn't he. Or twatted.

He's an abuser. Your not married and I'd get rid now. I would not be offering to help someone with how to behave in a decent manner. I'd tell him to leave and take his sob story with him. Having been married to a weak sap like this , this sort of man makes me want to Peuk.

They don't need help . If your insisting on putting up with this I suggest you read why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft.

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