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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

So very lonely

36 replies

Tori88 · 23/04/2014 11:27

My partner of 12 years left me on Thursday and moved in with his girlfriend. I am devastated and can't hold it together even more my beautiful 10 yr old daughter - pls someone say it gets better and how?

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Vivacia · 23/04/2014 11:37

It gets better. One day you'll feel peaceful and happy.

Keep talking to us.

Who else knows?

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Tori88 · 23/04/2014 11:49

Thank you - I just can't stop crying and even if I begged he wouldn't come back.

My parents know but they live up north and I am in the south. My mum is down but can only stay a few days as she works. I feel so alone

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CheesyBadger · 23/04/2014 11:51

My partner of 6 years left me 7 years ago and I was devastated. It will take time. Please keep talking and seeing the positive in what you have. Please have hope

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CheesyBadger · 23/04/2014 11:52

Do you have any friends you can call?

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onetiredfromthesugarhighmummy · 23/04/2014 11:55

So sorry OP, its a massive betrayal & its normal to feel as you do. I suppose its a kind of grief, not just about losing the man involved but also for the life you expected to have & the plans that you made. Just take it slowly & be kind to yourself.

You don't want him back, you may not believe this yet but you don't. He has pulled the rug out from under you & your daughter & is no longer worthy of you. How is your daughter dealing with it?

It will get better, there will be good & bad days but you will come out the other side Wine

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Vivacia · 23/04/2014 11:57

Do you work OP? Are there any commitments when you'll talk to people?

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Tori88 · 23/04/2014 12:00

Most of my friends were associated with my partner when I moved down so I don't have many close friends.

My daughter is being amazingly brave and try's to be cheerful all the time, which makes me sad that I can't be the brave one and makes me cry even more.

She's back at school tomorrow and I will miss her so much.

I have to meet my partner tomorrow to discuss finances and access, although he hasn't seen or asked to see her since he moved out!!

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/04/2014 12:02

I'm sorry you're having such a horrible experience. Did it come out of the blue or have things been weird for a while? As others have said, it does get better in time. Filling the time therefore helps a lot. You're going to have bad days (like today) and better days. Look after yourself on your bad days and make the most of the better days to do something that makes you feel good.

Do you have friends you can turn to? Workmates? Even 10yos can be remarkably supportive if you give them a chance. Not dumping your problems on a kid ... that would be wrong... but, if you tell them you're having a rough time, they can surprise you.

Be kind to yourself. Good luck

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Tori88 · 23/04/2014 12:06

He had been distant for a few month and I had got my parents to look after her for a romantic weekend and instead he told me the news.

I do have some good work mates, I'm back at work on Monday so that should help - thank you it's nice to know that there are people who care and want to help

My mum has stated to get annoyed that I am so sad, but she still has my dad!

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onetiredfromthesugarhighmummy · 23/04/2014 12:08

Remember that you don't have to meet him, all the finance & access stuff can be conducted by email if you prefer.

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Vivacia · 23/04/2014 12:10

Who are you meeting him with? Have you had legal advice? If not, just go to listen to his terms. Do not agree anything.

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Tori88 · 23/04/2014 12:13

I'm meeting him on my own in a pub - I haven't sought out any legal advise yet :-(

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Vivacia · 23/04/2014 12:18

I would cancel. The advice above me was better - why have the distress of meeting him?

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/04/2014 12:19

Agree with the PP. In the absence of legal advice, it may be worth postponing any discussion about finance until you are feeling more together. If it's anything like the first time I met my exH after he walked out, you'll find it hard to keep your composure.

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BitOutOfPractice · 23/04/2014 12:32

Oh no :( I'm so sorry to hear that op. What an absolute arsehole of a man.

I remember that pain so clearly. It's just crippling and overwhelming. The worst. But as for what you ask in your opening post, I can confirm that it does get better and you will be happy again. I know you won't believe that now but it's true. You just have to crunch through this shit part.

As for meeting him...fuck that. He can wait. You need legal advice and support. He has given up the right to call the shots

Take care of yourself and keep posting here for support xxx

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SpringyReframed · 23/04/2014 12:41

I too would advise not to have the face to face meeting with him. I was telling my friend (also a divorce lawyer) the other day that to avoid trying to have a reasonable conversation with your stbx early on in neutral location would be my top 5 pieces of advice to give those starting the process.

We had a meal and I managed to get to the end of it and not cause a scene but I did walk out. He had already changed history in his head, and believed he could control everything. It was a shock and as I drove home the enormity of what was happening really hit home. For the first and last time he called me and apologised but it was too late. What you have to remember is that they are so far ahead of the game than you. They have been planning this, they have moved on emotionally and practically, because they have known it was coming. In order for them to justify their actions they have got it all rearranged in their heads.

If you leave this all till a later date, when you have seen a lawyer etc. there is a chance it might work out better than it did for me.

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Tori88 · 23/04/2014 13:19

Thanks again - I just want to understand why he left me, and will he still be paying his part of the mortgage. All the bills come out of my account and it's coming to the end of the month when he normally pays me.

I'm not sure how to word an e-mail, so that it doesn't sound pathetic?

You are right about one thing, he's moved on emotionally. Why couldn't he just say he was unhappy rather than all this plotting behind by back, I could have been a little more prepared.

At least I know there is light at the end of the tunnel, is it more like months or years?

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BitOutOfPractice · 23/04/2014 14:00

Op try this:

Dear wankbadger

Just to let tit know that I fully expect your usual contribution to be in my bank account on the usual day.

If that doesn't happen then you can expect to hear from my solicitor

From
Strong empowered woman

Ps you were a crap shag and your breath smells.

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BitOutOfPractice · 23/04/2014 14:05

You. Not tit. Although...

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SpringyReframed · 23/04/2014 14:25

Oh Tori, I feel for you I really do. There are brilliant posters on here who will come along soon I'm sure with their brilliant wise words and advice that help so much.

Meanwhile, I am confident enough to tell you the following. With regard to the emails, be completely business like. If it helps, imagine that these emails will be read publicly. Just stick to the facts. Do not put anything in them that is in any way emotional. These are now financial negotiations only. It is important to make an appointment with a solicitor as soon as possible too. This does actually help emotionally as you will feel more secure as a result.

I cant really comment on your dd as my youngest was older than her and it does make a difference. If she is not asking to see him it may be sensible not to do anything about access at the moment whilst you both get over the shock. You can support each other.

Do not look for reasons why he left. Any he gives you will be hurtful and quite likely lies in order to justify himself and his actions. Now is the time to put a practical hat on in any dealings with him, and rant away on here or to friends in RL.

As for the light at the end of the tunnel, I wont tell you it is easily seen because it isnt. There will be days of light and days of dark but just take one at a time. Be very nice to yourself and your dd. Do nice things, have treats, book the hairdressers or a massage. Promise yourself on a bad day this is only today and tomorrow will be better, because it will. You will find the strength to get through it but it is the terrible shock at this stage which is so hard. Once this bit is over, you will be surprised how well you manage. Deep breaths. Keep talking, keep posting.

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SpringyReframed · 23/04/2014 14:30

Insert or BitOutOfPractice who will make you laugh! at the end of the my first paragraph! Grin

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maggiemuggins · 23/04/2014 14:30

This is all really new and you are still reeling. Your mum getting cross that you are still sad (after a few days!?) is not entirely helpful, but she may just be feeling a bit helpless. Ask her to do practical things like shopping or take your daughter to the cinema and use others for emotional support. When my husband left me I blubbed for hours to anyone who would listen. Some of my best friends live the other end of the country from me and I wanted them to be there so badly, holding my hand and passing me the tissues. It does get easier. Try not to overload your daughter - she will no doubt be aware of how much her dad has hurt you and she will be feeling conflicted because she loves both of you. Try to reassure her that she comes first and that you both still love her - your husband might be behaving like a selfish prick but she really doesn't need to hear that, it will just make her feel guilty.

Mumsnetters got me through my divorce Thanks. I never thought I would be in the position of trying to write reassuring words to someone else, but one day you will Smile xx

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maggiemuggins · 23/04/2014 14:33

Also, go on the Citizens Advice website //www.adviceguide.org.uk - Relationships. There's lots of useful info/advice on when a relationship comes to an end.

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BitOutOfPractice · 23/04/2014 14:47

Springy I did try and be sensible in my first post at 12:32 Blush

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/04/2014 15:15

"At least I know there is light at the end of the tunnel, is it more like months or years?"

Days, months and years IME. Days in that you will have good and bad days because the human spirit is remarkable and, once you get angry, you can find reserves you didn't know you had. Months because it takes a few months to settle into new routines as 'I' rather than 'we'. Years because, when you've had something this traumatic happen, once the raw pain wears off there will be little reminders that make you sad for quite a long time.

Some people are quite selfish. If they're unhappy in a relationship they don't want to entertain that anything that means they might have to change behaviour - so they say nothing. If they've found someone new they want to be with they work a back-story in which they've 'been unhappy for some time'. I'm guessing you're being treated to the latter

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