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am i just propping him up and helping his marriage stay together?

(34 Posts)
smileysarah1 Wed 23-Apr-14 09:07:08

For the past 2 years i have been with a man. We met just after he had left his wife and daughters. He was living at his mothers.
2 years on we were happy. We had kept our relationship a secret for the sake of his and my children as they were still attending the same school and felt it better to take things slow with regards to them. Then our relationship got found out by his ex. She then ddecided to turn his daughters against him .... making them tell him they didnt love him and didnt want access to him anymore.
So much so that after 2 years he has gone back home - for the sake of the children.
He still says he loves me, is miserable as sin and keeps in touch when he can.
She however constantly checks his phone etc.
I miss him so much but feel i am just propping him up and making his life bearable.
Over the long weekend we had no contact as he was at home all day but as soon as tuesday morning came and he was at work the messages start again.
Am i just being used ?
I love and miss him so much and am utterly confused.

chaseface Wed 23-Apr-14 09:09:37

Am i just being used ?

Yes. Bangs gavel.

Dust yourself down, get some self esteem and move on.

apermanentheadache Wed 23-Apr-14 09:12:11

Of course you're being used. Sorry sad

The not telling anyone for 2 years is a mahoosive red flag, as is slagging off his ex to you.

I would sever all contact.

gamerchick Wed 23-Apr-14 09:15:00

Yes he's using you.. It's not your problem he's miserable and while you're in contact with him you're not going to be able to move on properly.

Tell him not to contact you anymore and move forward. Life's too short.

Quitelikely Wed 23-Apr-14 09:15:31

You only know what he has told you. Seems odd to me that she took him back after two years apart.

Give those girls a chance to grow up with their mummy and daddy. You never know, with you off the scene he might actually try to make a real go of things. If it doesn't work they will eventually split but at least you won't have it on your conscience (sic).

You will meet someone else and hopefully never give him a backward glance.

smileysarah1 Wed 23-Apr-14 09:15:55

It was me that didnt want the relationship out in the open because of some mums at school.
He cries down the phone saying he is so miserable and is just home for his girls. Says he is a weak man. Its so hard to ignore that.

gamerchick Wed 23-Apr-14 09:17:51

That's why you need to cut it all off completely.. he's made his choice and you need more than to be in the fringes of somebodys life.

You are and have been used by this chancer of a man who has seen in you an opportunity. Tears also can be manipulative; he just wants his cake and eat it. You are the "other woman" in this sorry tale; the best thing you can do for yourself is walk away from this sorry situation.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Wed 23-Apr-14 09:20:57

Are you attracted by a "weak man" that cries down the phone to you? hmm Cut off contact. He's using you.

If he cared for his children at all, he'd cut off contact with you himself. Since he's obviously too much of a schmuck to do it himself, you need to do it. Move on.

scarletforya Wed 23-Apr-14 09:22:41

Yeah, you're the other woman. Cut him off.

Oh God, he's crying down the phone saying he's weak and miserable.

Tell him to fuck off and never bother you again, he won't change.

Even if he left home for you again, imagine living with him, the hand wringing and angst of 'have I made the right decision, shall I go back again, it's for the children you do know that, I love you the most'

smileysarah1 Wed 23-Apr-14 09:25:25

You are all so right but im finding it so hard.
Ive told him not to contact me but still he does.
Feeling so very lost and sad.

LavenderGreen14 Wed 23-Apr-14 09:27:32

His poor wife - I bet he tells her how much he loves her and wants to be with her. He is playing you both off against each other.

And change your phone number then he can't contact you can he.

Block and delete his number.

Tell your workplace not to put him through to you.

Any mail, chuck it away without reading.

Feeling so lost and very sad If you continue to accommodate his sad arse you'll never be free of that feeling.

littlegreengloworm Wed 23-Apr-14 09:28:31

I would change your mobile today. He is a user. He is weak but to be honest, so are you to let him do this. What good is it doing you? None. I'd rather be on my own than be used.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 23-Apr-14 09:30:06

Yes you're being used. He sounds utterly pathetic tbh.

Stop listening to his pity party; its all bs on his part.

Change your phone number; you need to go completely cold turkey on this callous individual who thinks nothing of crying to you down the phone let alone his own family.

You've told him not to contact you and yet he still does (and you listen to him), what part of no does he not understand?.

Stop giving him all the power and control in this. His tears are manipulative ones and designed solely to tug at your heartstrings.

smileysarah1 Wed 23-Apr-14 09:31:16

I am on my own. We havent seen each other in person at all. I have refused that.
Yes he is using us both. She must be miserable as well. She is constantly checking his phone has put a tracker on it.
What a mess

What did you learn about relationships when growing up by the way?.

LavenderGreen14 Wed 23-Apr-14 09:32:34

so presumably he was unfaithful to her - hence her having to check his every move. Poor woman.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Wed 23-Apr-14 09:34:02

*You are all so right but im finding it so hard.
Ive told him not to contact me but still he does.*

Get a backbone. You KNOW he's using you. Send one text. "Do not contact me again in any way or I will contact the police and have you done for harassment." And then change mobile numbers.

MaryWestmacott Wed 23-Apr-14 09:36:24

Look, you didn't start this relationship as the Other Woman, but you now are in that role, he's put you in that role when he decided to have a relationship with his wife again. Is he sleeping with her? Have you asked directly? He's moved back in, which bed does he sleep in? Does his wife think this is an arrangement for the rest of their adult lives, or is it agreed that it's until the DCs grow up? In fact, does she think she is now having an exclusive relationship with him?

Basically, he dumped you from being his girlfriend, got back together with his wife and wants you to have an affair with him - even if just emotional.

That's unfair on you and his wife. Cut him out, if he loved you he wouldn't have left you for her. Tell him as far as you are concerned, your relationship is over, ask ihm to stop contacting you.

Dust yourself off, start again.

MaryWestmacott Wed 23-Apr-14 09:37:52

oh and his wife is checking his phones because they have got back together and he is having an affair, with you. Even if just emotional. He is trying to make it a full blown affair. Of course she's going to be checking his phone and e-mail and is right to do so. He's cheating on her.

ThePriory Wed 23-Apr-14 09:38:03

This man has nothing to offer you.

Why are you wasting your time and emotioanl energy?

You are basically pouring it all down the drain for this cheating loser.

scarletforya Wed 23-Apr-14 09:40:28

she then ddecided to turn his daughters against him .... making them tell him they didnt love him and didnt want access to him anymore

Did he tell you that? I'm finding it hard to believe.

Also he says he had left and was living in his Mother's when you two met....? hmm

Also, you say he was living at his Mother's when you met

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