I'm Emily, and I'm an alcoholic.

[embolina]

I'll keep it short.

I'm 29, my husband is 31 and we have THE most gorgeous, happy, well behaved little 8 month old boy you could ever dream of. I'm also an alcoholic and I'm FINALLY ready to admit it.

Trouble is, I'm battling demons that have been inside me ever since I can remember. I have OCD and depression, but I try my ut-most to keep it all under cover. The only people that know are my loving husband and my parents.

I don't know why I drink nowadays. It used to be for confidence, as I was bullied by my so called friends in primary school and as pathetic as it sounds, it left a dent in my self-esteem and trust. I don't drink everyday- in fact I can go for about 2 weeks without thinking about it-but once I start, I can't stop. I can happily start drinking about 8am (I'm ashamed of this) and carry on all day. I'm lonely and pathetic.

I once had a sports car and awesome job, now I'm at home all day, everyday- not necessarily missing these things, as they are JUST things, but I miss the energy I used to have.

Don't get me wrong, I play with my little boy, sing to him, read him stories, bathe him, make his bottles and feed him his meals- I'm not a "passed out on the sofa by 11am" type of alcoholic, but I want him to be proud of me- not ashamed...

Sorry for the rant.

Just needed to offload.

I try and give it all up, but I just fail everytime. I'm looking at local AA meetings as we speak, because I NEED to become a better mummy.

[littlegreengloworm]

Well done. I have no practical advise but you sound like a great mum and an honest person. I think you will do it!! God for you.

[littlegreengloworm]

Good

[Dumplings4ever]

My Goodness Embolina - respect to you.

And Good Luck in your quest to kick the habit - it sounds like you've got amazing family support

[riskit4abiskit]

Good on you for having self awareness. Im sure you WILL make your ds proud

[venusandmars]

Me too Embolina I'm an alcoholic. It took me years to admit it: years when I missed out on enjoying my kids lives; years when I risked everything by driving when I was drunk ; years when I thought more about my own selfish habit than about anyone else.

If you're determined to do this then give anything a go - AA, SMART recovery, hypnotherapy, counselling, support groups. It is so easy to find 'excuses' to not try something, or to drop out the first time it feels uncomfortable. Of course it's going to feel uncomfortable, it's like having your comfort blanket taken away from you.

But, guess what? It is possible. It is honestly and truly possible to come back from where you are. To feel the energy, to love the wind in your hair, to laugh with delight at your son - and to do it all without alcohol.

All the best to you x

[Spinaroo]

Well done for being brave e bought to admit it! I agree with littlegreengloworm- I think you will do it.

[Spinaroo]

Enough not e bought

[EATmum]

I don't have anything wise to add; just really good wishes for you. It's a very tough illness and you sound very strong in your determination.

[TheZeeTeam]

Firstly, you should take pride on the fact that you've got as far as facing up to yourself. I wish I had a lot earlier than I did. I like to think Ive been a pretty good mum so far, but I would have been a billion, billion times better if I'd faced my demons years ago.

The thing is, it's really important you remember this tomorrow, especially if you're talking through the booze. That's the only way you get well again. I lost count of the amount of times I had a "realisation" after a few drinks and then spent the evening googling AA and crying a few tears of self pity. Did I ever go?! No!

What worked for me was making a deal with myself that I would quit on X day and that would be it. If that didn't work, then I was all ready to get "proper" treatment but, weirdly, my stupid stubborn pride helped me out. I just didn't want to feel like I was failing anymore.

There are a billion and one different resources to help you and it's up to you to find the one that works for you. Wishing you much, much luck. You can do this if you really want to.

[JaceyBee]

I think there are some support threads for problem drinkers on here called brave babes or something, they might be helpful? Maybe someone not on phone could link?

And well done, you are brave indeed and hopefully this will be the first important step on the road to recovery

[handfulofcottonbuds]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a2045248-The-Brave-Babes-Battle-Bus-Springing-Into-Spring-Like-Super-Spingy-Springs-On-A-Springy-Day

For you Emily

[LottyLikesWindows]

Have PMed you Emily. Wishing you lots of success.

[embolina]

Thank you so much ladies.

I think a lot of why my drinking has got so bad is that I lost my bestest, oldest friend to a horrific car accident last November.. we weren't even speaking at the time due to a silly row and I just can't forgive myself for the time we wasted by that...

I think of her every single day and miss her so much.

Sometime's I'll see something on tv or wherever and think "Aww I HAVE to tell J about this..."....then I remember she's gone.

[sadwidow28]

Embolina, please don't find excuses to drink. Losing a friend is dreadful and you must have felt very low. But you are giving yourself permission to drink.

I have lost three brothers to alcoholism - 39, 60 and 55 years old in order or their deaths.

I drink too much for my own good also. 12 years ago I became a young widow at 46 years old and struggled to find my new life. I still haven't found it! I don't drink if I am on my own - but I can drink more than a bottle of wine if I have social company.

[embolina]

I'm sorry for your loss- I can't begin to understand that bereavement.

It sounds like it's a kind of genetic thing by the sound of it almost? My uncle committed suicide about 10 years ago and I've heard he was a "raging alcoholic"....

[Alambil]

congratulations for "owning up" and finding it within you to explore recovery.

Do you have a children's centre near you? they often have alcohol/drug support and know where is local to you for help

[embolina]

I don't think we have a children's centre...I'm not sure what that involves...

I forgot to mention, I have a feeling I MAY be expecting again...I'm due my AF on Sunday but have been feeling "off" for days...I'm so ashamed and disgusted with myself if I've been poisoning my baby..

I didn't touch a drop for almost a year when I had my son...

[Monty27]

.

[Tortoiseonthehalfshell]

Well, if you're in the first few early days of pregnancy then you haven't been poisoning a baby at all; it'll be before implantation, so nothing crosses over yet.

I know this because I googled how long I could still 'safely' drink for when we were TTC #2, because I also have a drinking problem.

The Brave Babes are great, there's also a Dry thread around here that I prefer (because I find people who are moderating a bit triggery). Also lots of books, blogs, etc., depending on what you find useful.

Something I found useful, living in an area which is ill-serviced by AA, is this blog: //www.tiredofthinkingaboutdrinking.wordpress.com - Belle does a program called Sober Jumpstart, which offers a 'sober penpal' service, audios, and other support. There's also a nice community. From there, I jumped into a whole set of 'sober blogs', and started one myself, and that really, really helped; I'm coming up to two months sober now.

Good luck!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Leaving the alcohol to one side for a second, you know many women find the SAHM thing boring and depressing? You say you miss your flash car and awesome job. You say you have no-one except you husband and parents. Perhaps if you were back in the workplace, mind occupied and stimulated by adult company, making new friends etc, you wouldn't need to self-medicate so much with alcohol?