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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

would you email an ex

30 replies

sailorsgal · 22/04/2014 22:21

if you found out they were ill.
Told dh. I have been quite upset today.

OP posts:

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Superworm · 22/04/2014 22:22

Possibly...it would depend how ill I guess.

SwedishEdith · 22/04/2014 22:24

Are you talking terminally ill? Need more info.

cozietoesie · 22/04/2014 22:25

Possibly. It would depend on all the circumstances and the person in question.

antiabz · 22/04/2014 22:27

Definitely not.

But then my ex's are that way for a VERY good reason, and there were no children involved.

PrincessOfChina · 22/04/2014 22:30

Yes. Absolutely, but I would tell DH and he would be supportive.

I am assuming we are not talking a bit of a cold.

Eekaman · 22/04/2014 22:38

Of course you can mail an ex in these circumstances, if you liked them enough to have a relationship with, then they must have been a nice person, and whilst you don't need to (and probably shouldn't) stay in close intimate touch with all of ones exes, in the case of something serious or tragic, then absolutely, feel free to express sympathy.

As for antibaz's 'definitely not' I find that a little odd. What would happen if you bumped into them on the street, give them the full on ignore / pretend they don't exist treatment? Of course not, you'd give a polite nod, and an insincere, 'hi, how are you....' so why not be civil online?

antiabz · 22/04/2014 22:41

Eekaman as I said they were ex's for a very good reason.

I'm sorry you find it odd, but not all relationships are that simple. In my case physical and mental abuse was involved so no, I 'definitely' would not contact them.

SwedishEdith · 22/04/2014 22:41

if you liked them enough to have a relationship with, then they must have been a nice person - but that's not always true though. Presumably not the case for the OP though.

antiabz · 22/04/2014 22:41

And if I bumped into them on the street I would probably run/ hide ( more likely pretend not to have recognised them at all)

BitOutOfPractice · 22/04/2014 22:42

What princess said. Yes I would, and I'd tell my BF. If I had loved them once, and they weren't an abusive arsehole, I definitely would

AnyFucker · 22/04/2014 22:45

It depends

AnyFucker · 22/04/2014 22:45

It depends

sailorsgal · 22/04/2014 22:47

He lives overseas and bizarrely dh and I were an hour from where he lives so I talked about him just last Thursday. On Saturday I found out he had lung cancer and is having chemotherapy and radiotherapy.
We were together for a couple of years and had some good times. I don't hold a torch for him so am feeling a bit weird at how upset I am. We were together nearly 20 years ago.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 22/04/2014 22:49

20 years and no contact imbetween ?

No, you would look like a rubbernecker, sorry

if you have been in regular contact over the years, yes I would

sailorsgal · 22/04/2014 22:51

we have been in touch over the years mostly through Facebook and email.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 22/04/2014 22:54

Then I would send a message to say you are sorry to hear news he is ill and that you wish him well

Ilovexmastime · 22/04/2014 22:55

I would if that's what you want to do, if you've been in touch anyway wouldn't it be weird not to?

sailorsgal · 22/04/2014 22:57

He gave up a 40 a day smoking habit to go out with me as I said I wouldn't go out with a smoker.

OP posts:

SwedishEdith · 22/04/2014 22:58

Oh, I would in those circumstances.

PrincessOfChina · 22/04/2014 22:59

I was in a similar situation. Occasional contact via social media and on holidays/weddings etc. we were not true exes, although we did have "relations" back in the day.

He died a couple of years ago, after a long illness (rare cancer). A lot of fundraising was done to pay for his treatments (alternative therapies that I don't really agree with, but it wasn't my choice and they thought it helped). I sent money, donated to raffles, attended events etc and sent cards and messages when appropriate.

His illness, and death, knocked me (and many of our friends) for six. It honestly shook me to the core. Don't underestimate the impact something like this can have on you.

MeMyselfAnd1 · 22/04/2014 23:02

Forget about how nice he was to you while you were with him. The important thing is, was he noce to you AFTER the relationship ended?

If so, yes by all means contact him no matter when was the last time you talked. It is not as if you had an ONS, you were together for two years.

If things didn't end nicely, I would say is better not to. He will take it the wrong way.

Nancery · 22/04/2014 23:03

God yes! I have been in similar except the 'ex' was also my best friend. (Yes, DH did find it odd but I wouldn't cut him off for DHs benefit, and there would never be ANYTHING fruity going on anyway). I second what PrincessofChina says about this kind of thing can knock you for six, and think messages of support for someone undergoing chemo etc can only be a good thing

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GeordieMama · 22/04/2014 23:03

DH's friend has terminal cancer and his ex (their mutual friend) has been to visit him. His current partner was also there.
I think that sending a supportive email would be a nice thing to do. I know if it were me I'd appreciate people, including exes, getting in touch.

sailorsgal · 22/04/2014 23:07

He took a job overseas and though we tried to keep it going for a while it didn't work out. I wasn't that keen on leaving my life here at that time.

OP posts:

Nancery · 22/04/2014 23:09

Personally I don't get why people often have a thing about someone who happens to be an 'ex'! Granted it can be different when things end badly but surely this is more the exception than the rule, especially under these circumstances...?

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