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Bloody ridiculous row but am I overreacting?

(43 Posts)
carlywurly Tue 22-Apr-14 20:42:07

Been with dp 4 years. He's usually great - caring, loving, kind etc etc. he gets on with all my friends brilliantly - except one. A work colleague of mine who's on the edge of our social circle and who he just couldn't stand from their first meeting.

She's a lovely lady but can be a bit full on and dominating in group situations, mainly due to shyness I think. It is admittedly mildly irritating but grates on dp to the extent he finds her utterly unbearable. He let some mutual friends know how he feels a few weeks ago and has since subtly stayed away from events he knows she will be at.

Yesterday I organised an evening out with another couple and also mentioned it to the same mutual friend in case they wanted to join us. They did but then invited this lady and her partner along without checking with us first. I told dp, expecting him to be annoyed and pull out of going, instead he hit the roof and immediately sent a text to our mutual friend asking for the couple to be uninvited. I told him he was overreacting and he lost the plot and started yelling at me.

Although I can see his point, I was livid at the horribly awkward situation this created, and how angry he got with me as if I'd engineered it. I couldn't get him to discuss it rationally and accept that if he'd just given me chance, I would have dealt with it, I would have called the friend to figure a plan in a diplomatic way.

As it turned out, the mutual friends went out with the couple separately in the end but I had to lie to my colleague at work today about us having cancelled plans, and hate having to do that to someone I personally like.

I'm so angry with dp - I have to socialise with people who annoy me (including his mother!) but get on with it for the sake of being diplomatic.

Sorry, what a rant. Do I need to get a grip?

Cereal0ffender Tue 22-Apr-14 20:45:32

He is behaving like a dick

carlywurly Tue 22-Apr-14 20:53:22

Gavel. Thank you.
grin

KepekCrumbs Tue 22-Apr-14 20:54:35

Is he usually this intolerant ir is it just her? Can he articulate what it is about her that particularly upsets him? It seems like a very extreme reaction.

rosieflower Tue 22-Apr-14 20:56:03

He massively over reacted. We all have to deal with people in life that we don't really like but most of us don't say anything because it would cause an awkward social situation. It has made things difficult for you which he should have thought about before he hit the roof.

WellitsAllGoneNow Tue 22-Apr-14 20:59:59

Erm, he is the one over reacting, not you.

I presume he can cope with working alongside colleagues he finds irritating without hitting the roof over it. He needs to get a grip.

Needsomeperspective2 Tue 22-Apr-14 21:01:22

My gut reaction is does he have history with her you don't know about? Sounds like he massively over reacted. If she's in the edge of the social circle and he doesn't have to see her very often, I would expect a grown up to just grit their teeth and get thru the evening, I think even pulling out at the knowledge she'll be there to be excessive. What's going to happen if he actually spends time with her, would he lose the plot? Does he have other anger issues or just in relation to this person?

My first thought was he might have history with her and is scared you'll find out.

mammadiggingdeep Tue 22-Apr-14 21:07:05

Maybe I've been hanging around relationships threads too long but I also think he may be avoiding her for a dodgy reason. The man doth protest too much me thinks!

LineRunner Tue 22-Apr-14 21:08:29

The other option is that she gets under his skin another way about something, and only he can tell you what that is.

LineRunner Tue 22-Apr-14 21:08:45

The other option is that she gets under his skin another way about something, and only he can tell you what that is.

Fairylea Tue 22-Apr-14 21:10:35

Another one who wonders if there is history or some sort of flirtation between them.

Seems way over the top.

carlywurly Tue 22-Apr-14 21:20:06

I'm certain it's not a case of having history with this person, although I see why that would seem the case. She had moved into our area so they wouldn't have crossed paths before. He will admit it's irrational, but doesn't see that he should put up with someone he dislikes in his free time(!)

I don't feel he has clear anger issues but he definitely struggles to deal with conflict and arguments rationally and initially needs to win the point. I'm a trained counsellor (ironically) so I deliberately go very calm in any argument to counteract him flying off the handle. He then usually processes the issue and apologises later that day and that's it for the next few months.

It hasn't been a deal breaker so far but this one feels like a yellow card. I would hate to think I'd ever made him squirm in the way this has made me.

Wishfulmakeupping Tue 22-Apr-14 21:20:40

I was thinking he has history with her too-seems way too OTT for just generally disliking someone you've met briefly. There's more to this op

FunkyBoldRibena Tue 22-Apr-14 21:29:43

Hmm...imagine how this is going to play out if he finds your behaviour not to his taste at some point.

carlywurly Tue 22-Apr-14 21:34:20

I know. I really don't know what to do. We live separately so I've suggested we take a bit of space.

A real shame but I put up with too much from xh who put himself first on every occasion ever to want to go down that road again.

LineRunner Tue 22-Apr-14 21:34:35

I just wondered if she could have made a remark or insinuation that got under his skin, about e.g. accent, money, culture, class, cars, anything really.

If anyone comments on my accent I can get a bit arsey if they do it in a smug way, for instance. I could truly hate someone who joked about certain issues if they already generally got up my nose anyway.

sunbathe Tue 22-Apr-14 21:41:39

In your op, you say he has a lot of good qualities. I'd be inclined to cut him some slack over this one friend of yours that he dislikes.

Full on and dominating does not = a lovely lady, to me.

Hoppinggreen Tue 22-Apr-14 21:46:14

Might sound odd but if she hasn't done something terrible to him could he actually fancy her or something?
Very extreme reaction from him to someone a bit annoying

carlywurly Tue 22-Apr-14 21:58:42

It did also cross my mind that the mutual friend can be a bit of a drama llama and she would have known that this would make dp uncomfortable but went ahead and invited this couple anyway. Dps reaction is his own responsibility but the friend could have easily prevented the situation.

I'm as sure as I can be it isn't an attraction thing for dp. Without wishing to seem in any way derogatory she's a fair bit older than us, the very opposite of his usual physical type and they really have no common ground.

My male colleague also gets annoyed by her, but to a far lesser extent. She can be a little crude and overfamiliar I guess, if I'm looking to pick faults. And tries excruciatingly hard. She is genuine and kind and has been a good friend to me though, which to me, overrides any of her negative points.

MadBusLady Tue 22-Apr-14 22:03:42

I wonder about the other way round - could she have come on to him, or done something he perceived as such?

LineRunner Tue 22-Apr-14 22:11:25

'Crude and overfamiliar'. I would ask him what she has said.

I think you are quite right to see this as a big flaming yellow card. It's a massive over-reaction on his part, and he showed very clearly he doesn't care about embarrassing you in front of friends for his own purposes.

You say he doesn't deal with confrontation well. In arguments you go calm and let him rant and win the point and then he comes back and apologises later. Just imagine how tedious that will get, if it isn't already.

I'm a bit concerned that you even have to ask if you're over-reacting. He's being a complete dick and no, you are definitely not.

AnyFucker Tue 22-Apr-14 22:24:24

That doesn't sound like a normal reaction to someone who irritates you and is on the "edge of your social circle"

carlywurly Tue 22-Apr-14 22:36:19

Crude and overfamiliar is from my male friend, not dp. They recently went on a group weekend away (we couldn't go) and she did things like help herself to his poured drinks and food off his plate, and make jokes about his girlfriend and her going off for a shower together.

Nothing major at all, but intensified over a weekend he'd had enough of her and he's very easygoing. Dp would have combusted.

It used to be six of us who regularly spent time together but they've started to join us, and there seem to have been lots of events in quick succession where we've been all together.

Absolutely the point is dp putting me in an impossible position with my friends and making me uncomfortable though. Not that he dislikes a friend of mine.

I felt a sense of utter panic yesterday when I realised what was kicking off. It's left me feeling really shocked and upset. And as if I can't rely on him to represent me as I'd wish him to. If that makes sense.

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