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I'm pregnant and my (previously sane) partner is being a total knob

(60 Posts)
Caucasus Tue 22-Apr-14 15:31:56

I'm 3 months into an unplanned pregnancy. I've been with my oh for about 3.5 years. Up to now we've been happy (most of the time). He's always been loud and clear that he loves me and we're in this for the long haul. He's also said for a long time he wants children with me in the future - but that he's not ready yet.

Anyway, since we found out that I was pregnant he's been absolutely AWFUL.He says he does want children with me, but not yet. He's spent the last two months (since we found out) alternating between begging me to have an abortion, being incredibly cruel to me for refusing to have an abortion (calling me heartless, selfish, saying I am ruining his life and the baby's life and that he wishes he'd never met me and my tiny black heart because I'm a monster, that I cannot love him or I would never do this to him etc), and pretending that nothing is happening.

I had my 12 week scan last week and thought that might change things - I was hoping when he saw the baby he might better be able to empathise with my decision not to abort. No luck - the begging/cruelty/denial cycle continued, and he said he "felt nothing", that he sees nothing positive at all about the pregnancy, and that he feels his life is over and the world is imploding.

The clincher is he asserts that "if" I have the baby (I've made it clear there's no if about it) he will have to stay around, and that me "forcing him to be an absentee father" is "not an option".

I understand where he's coming from - I'm 33 and he's 28, so there is an age difference there in terms of him not being ready, but he's driving me up the wall.

I have a good job, and except during maternity (for most of which I only get statutory) we shouldn't have any financial worries. However, he is on a low, insecure income, so there is some worry about him having to take on the lion's share of bringing home the bacon during that first year when I'm on leave.

he refuses to tell anyone about the pregnancy, including his (kind, supportive, reasonable) parents. I got this close >- to telling his mum myself (I know this was out of line, but we are close, I felt guilty that my parents have known for months but she didn't, and I knew she would be supportive of him) but he picked up her phone when I rang and was, unsurprisingly, extremely unhappy about my trying to tell her.

All in all, the pregnancy has turned a good relationship into an absolute hellhole shitstorm, I'm not feeling that great about it and I don't really know what to do.

Any advice at all much appreciated.

(TLDR: Unexpectedly pregnant, previously-nice partner now behaving like a massive, massive tool, please help!)

superstarheartbreaker Wed 23-Apr-14 18:01:07

My ex did this and I have written him out of the picture. Harsh but fair. He did come round...about 9 months too late by which time I was over him. Congratulations op for keeping strong.

Sunnydaysablazeinhope Wed 23-Apr-14 08:46:53

Well op I admire your strength in an awfully emotional time.

He's in shock. And scared. Both of those make humans vicious. He's not the first to react that way. He won't be the last. It just is what it is.

I'm afraid that if you go ahead and have the baby it is your decision. You need sadly to act alone, with friends and family support. I am sad but it's unlikely you will revert to being a loving couple. IMO strive for civil and friendly. It's just not a relationship you should be in for the rest of your lives with this level of behaviour. But you both could make excellent parents. Maybe platonic but parental love is the way forwards.

TheCraicDealer Tue 22-Apr-14 22:47:10

Even if you don't have twitter or Facebook I would embark on a massive "I'm PREGNAAAAANT" announcement. Your eggo is preggo and you're continuing with the pregnancy whatever happens. Keeping it quiet is just reinforcing his view that he'll be able to 'talk you round' and get his own way if he pushes you hard enough. Even if you split up at this point he needs to face up to fact that he's about to become a father. He's right about one thing, it isn't his decision to make, not when he's behaving like a complete cock and not listening to his partner. The only choice he has right now is deciding how to handle this development.

HopefulHamster Tue 22-Apr-14 22:23:53

Sadly I think you've found out that he was lying about 'not ready yet' and he was probably never going to be ready. Left to his decisions, you'd have probably found out age 42 while ttc, then he could've left you for a younger woman and still had children, or carried on happy and childless. It's sad and horrible but that's how some people are.

No decent person who loves their partner behaves like this towards them. He might wish it wasn't happening but it is and as a grown up he has to deal with the ramifications. He can't undo it, you won't, and so his choice is be miserable without you or get on and be as happy as he can manage, or be miserable with you and wait for you to chuck him out.

It can't be his decision as to whether he stays with you or not. He's being a complete nobdonkey.

Offred Tue 22-Apr-14 22:16:33

*add

Offred Tue 22-Apr-14 22:14:43

Basically you need to think about what he's going to as to your life, how he is going to improve it rather than whether you can do something to fix him I think. He's an adult, he needs to act like one.

Offred Tue 22-Apr-14 22:13:39

I'm not sure what you'd have to gain from having him back. I think he is a threat to you and to the baby tbh and the risk of taking him back is too great. I seriously doubt he can go from abusive to supportive in one easy step and if he can then he can just as easily switch back.

If you take him back with him agreeing to stop being abusive I'm not sure how you'd trust him and it'd be so much harder to confront getting him to go again if/when he reverts to his unacceptable behaviour.

You've got 6 months left of this pregnancy, I think your efforts really would be best spent on preparing for the baby not mollycoddling him. He has failed to step up, that is his problem, not yours. It would be right for you to have expectations of him (that he'll provide emotionally as well as financially for the child even if you are apart) but not to try and get him to live up to those expectations - that won't do the child any favours.

I think you should tell his mum really. If he won't do it it will be hurtful for her to find out from someone else I imagine, and I wonder if she'd like to share in the excitement of the pregnancy - she should have the option anyway. I think he's not given you many options at this stage other than to tell her tbh.

OK. His bachelor pity party needs to come to an end right now. Call him and tell him he can either come back supportive and accepting that he's going to be a father, or not come back at all. That you will be telling your parents and friends at the weekend and that you suggest he tells him mum face to face - point out she'll be hurt to find out second hand. This is your news just as much as his. There's no need to tiptoe round him - you both made this baby.

MaryWestmacott Tue 22-Apr-14 18:00:50

As others have said, "not ready" is acceptable at 18, or if he was in the middle of a degree/professional training, but "not ready" when you are 28, in a relationship that's lasted 3.5years with a woman in her 30s and are in settled jobs suggests he'll never be ready. It's not "not ready" it's "I don't want children" or possibly "I don't want children with you".

Plan for being alone, talk to work, start getting the ball rolling. If he's not likely to stick around (or you want him back) worth finding out now what you'd be entitled to when on mat leave and afterwards as a single parent. (better now than trying to research in the first few weeks!).

As for his mum, I think it depends on your relationship with her, if you would call her for a chat before, then do that and tell her, if not, then leave it. He can't keep it from her forever, and it really is his place to tell family.

I wouldn't let him back in for now, make him think about it, he's not doing you a favour sticking around when you've forced this on him.

wyrdyBird Tue 22-Apr-14 17:58:21

I'd agree with Bitter: he hasn't become anything. You're seeing a different side to him (putting it politely)

I had my 12 week scan last week and thought that might change things - I was hoping when he saw the baby he might better be able to empathise with my decision not to abort. No luck - the begging/cruelty/denial cycle continued, and he said he "felt nothing"

This is his own child he's talking about. Not some random child. There is no kindness or empathy here for this child though, or for you, the partner he professes to love so much. So now you have a fuller picture of him, and it doesn't look good.

Your child will be fine, he/she has you as a mother. flowers
Your partner is not worth holding onto.

WilsonFrickett Tue 22-Apr-14 17:56:52

My DP did have a minor freak out when we found I was (planned) pg - it consisted of a week of fretting, being quite grumpy and hands-off, culminating in me shouting 'Fuck sake, I'm not supposed to get stressed' in the queue for a table in Pizza Express, us both bursting into tears (him quietly, me not so much), going home, having a cuddle and then moving on into our life with our bump and subsequent baby.

That's cold feet. What you are facing is emotional abuse and man-child fuckwittery of the highest order. Don't put it up with it OP - I'm worried it will escalate. DV often starts around the time of pg/birth - I'm not saying that to scare you, I'm saying it to help you understand the stakes are high here.

Start telling people about your pg. Start rallying your support. Start planning. Stand your ground and stand up for your child.

(Oh and I am 100% pro-choice. Trying to bully someone into an abortion against their will is so far the opposite of pro-choice though that I'm finding it hard to type this sentence angry. You do what's right for you.)

Quinteszilla Tue 22-Apr-14 17:48:31

It is interesting how he thinks that leaving is not an option, but staying and emotionally abusing you, blackmailing you and manipulating you is an option? Like you just have to take it?

I fear this may be a classical case of a man showing his true colours and becoming verbally and emotionally abusive once the female is pregnant, and feels "stuck"

MinesaMess Tue 22-Apr-14 17:38:59

I think if you stay with this manchild there's every chance he'll ruin what should be a very special time. I say that as someone who separated from my partner when pregnant. Every time baby cries, needs fed, gets ill etc..it'll be 'your job' to see to it's needs as 'you're the one who wanted a baby'. Resentment will build, on both sides, and that won't be a nice environment. Raising a baby alone is challenging but very very rewarding and generally much less stressful than doing so with a reluctant partner.

sykadelic Tue 22-Apr-14 17:30:22

Let's be honest, having a child IS a huge life change and it's understandable that he's shocked and feels like his life is now completely out of his control. He's catastrophising having a child because he doesn't have one, he only knows that it will change his life forever and "you're taking away his choice".

All that said, it does NOT excuse him acting like a prick to you. You have made your decision, he has made his. Just like he can't change your opinion, you can't change his.

It doesn't make him a bad person because he doesn't want a child, what DOES make him a bad person is the way he's treating you.

You can either choose to accept his behaviour and hope he'll change or simply say - "This is happening. You can either grow up and accept the reality, or leave, but either way our relationship is over. I will not continue to let myself be abused by you, and neither will I let you sully the joy of this for me. I am exercising my right to choice and leaving this relationship. What you choose to do next is up to you."

Offred Tue 22-Apr-14 17:29:17

If he can come home anytime I think maybe you need to make a decision about whether you want him home before he does come back. He'll maybe be hoping he can ignore you and then catch you on the hop by turning up out of the blue which he may hope might bully you into doing what he wants.

Caucasus Tue 22-Apr-14 17:26:40

Thanks Katopotato!

Offred, yes, hew works freelance so apart from certain set dates (which are all around the country) can be wherever he wants. granted, I feel pretty sad and lonely ATM, but it's also a relief to have some calm. I want him back with me if he's behaving like a normal human, but not if there's been no change.

Offred Tue 22-Apr-14 17:17:58

Op - so he could come home anytime he fancies? Do you want him back with you?

expatinscotland Tue 22-Apr-14 17:17:54

The whole 'not ready yet' is the biggest load of string along bollocks around. I'm glad you're getting this chance to become a mum. He could well have cost you the chance entirely.

KatoPotato Tue 22-Apr-14 17:17:42

Firstly, Congratulations. Your life is about to chance so so much for the better, and even more so now that you've found out what an absolute useless prick your DP is.

better to find out now, rather than waste any more time, effort or energy into this horrid man.

What's been said cannot be unsaid, and you do not need such a pathetic, negative twerp bringing you or your little one down to such a level of negative behaviour.

Be strong, and be proud of yourself for realising you are better than this horror.

I found such an amazing inner strength when I found out I was pg, and felt I could take on the world, - well, actually I remember I used to panic about trying to park my car in tight spaces - on the day of my first booking in appointment I swung that car into the space in the sweetest manouevre ever!

a silly thing to compare, but I do have a random point in there somewhere...

take care, I think you are going to be alright lady! xxxx

Offred Tue 22-Apr-14 17:17:14

Totally agree with bitter and so much better for you to find this out now and be able to distance yourself before the baby is here.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Tue 22-Apr-14 17:13:19

He hasn't become anything: he's been like that all the time but hiding it, just as long as things were bowling along the way he wanted them to be. Now, he's not in control, he doesn't like it and is punishing you for it. I don't think this is likely to stop any time soon.

Caucasus Tue 22-Apr-14 17:06:04

He can work from him mum's, Offred.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted - that's how I'm feeling too. It's so sad though to think that the whole of our history has been a lie and this awful two months is the truth of him. I can't believe that from being a kind, thoughtful man, this is what he has become.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Tue 22-Apr-14 17:02:17

If he was truly being sincere when he talked about being together for the long-term and having a family together in the future he wouldn't be being this vile to you now. So, all of that was lies.

Make plans for being a single parent. If he sticks around it will be only to fling more insults and pain in your direction. Get rid and do it quickly.

joanofarchitrave Tue 22-Apr-14 17:00:46

I do think people should be allowed to make a lot of mistakes when they first find out they are going to be a parent, it freaks out many people who subsequently are great parents.

It is the brutal truth that he doesn't get to make all the decisions in this situation, and it does affect his life. I think most men adjust to this in time, but some keep it as a little pet festering source of resentment. You don't have to be around, if that's the case. Focus on his treatment of you.

Offred Tue 22-Apr-14 16:51:52

Does he need to be home to go to his work or can he get there from his mother's house?

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