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I'm pregnant and my (previously sane) partner is being a total knob

(60 Posts)
Caucasus Tue 22-Apr-14 15:31:56

I'm 3 months into an unplanned pregnancy. I've been with my oh for about 3.5 years. Up to now we've been happy (most of the time). He's always been loud and clear that he loves me and we're in this for the long haul. He's also said for a long time he wants children with me in the future - but that he's not ready yet.

Anyway, since we found out that I was pregnant he's been absolutely AWFUL.He says he does want children with me, but not yet. He's spent the last two months (since we found out) alternating between begging me to have an abortion, being incredibly cruel to me for refusing to have an abortion (calling me heartless, selfish, saying I am ruining his life and the baby's life and that he wishes he'd never met me and my tiny black heart because I'm a monster, that I cannot love him or I would never do this to him etc), and pretending that nothing is happening.

I had my 12 week scan last week and thought that might change things - I was hoping when he saw the baby he might better be able to empathise with my decision not to abort. No luck - the begging/cruelty/denial cycle continued, and he said he "felt nothing", that he sees nothing positive at all about the pregnancy, and that he feels his life is over and the world is imploding.

The clincher is he asserts that "if" I have the baby (I've made it clear there's no if about it) he will have to stay around, and that me "forcing him to be an absentee father" is "not an option".

I understand where he's coming from - I'm 33 and he's 28, so there is an age difference there in terms of him not being ready, but he's driving me up the wall.

I have a good job, and except during maternity (for most of which I only get statutory) we shouldn't have any financial worries. However, he is on a low, insecure income, so there is some worry about him having to take on the lion's share of bringing home the bacon during that first year when I'm on leave.

he refuses to tell anyone about the pregnancy, including his (kind, supportive, reasonable) parents. I got this close >- to telling his mum myself (I know this was out of line, but we are close, I felt guilty that my parents have known for months but she didn't, and I knew she would be supportive of him) but he picked up her phone when I rang and was, unsurprisingly, extremely unhappy about my trying to tell her.

All in all, the pregnancy has turned a good relationship into an absolute hellhole shitstorm, I'm not feeling that great about it and I don't really know what to do.

Any advice at all much appreciated.

(TLDR: Unexpectedly pregnant, previously-nice partner now behaving like a massive, massive tool, please help!)

expatinscotland Tue 22-Apr-14 16:20:46

He hasn't contact you in two days? Another stab at emotionally manipulating you. Imagine the amount of stress you lose when he's mot in your life harassing you.

niceupthedance Tue 22-Apr-14 16:27:08

Sorry but he sounds like a cock. My DS's father is a dickhead but even he didn't ask me to have an abortion and we were not in a relationship. He was 28 I was 36.

I think you should tell him to move out until he has had a long think about becoming a father and only let him come back if he is on board and stops talking to you like a piece of shit.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

MaryWestmacott Tue 22-Apr-14 16:27:38

I think if you are 100% certain that you will not abort, then you need to stop this being a secret.

As you have had your 12 week scan, start telling people, you are having a baby, he might be there as a dad, but abortion isn't an option you are prepared to do, so he has 2 choices, be with you as a family, or split up, but being with you without DCs isn't a choice he gets to make once you are pregnant.

I think at 33 you are probably on the older side anyway, it's not like youve got another 10 years for him to grow up and decide he's ready to be a dad.

Start planning for being a single mother, he isn't a man you can rely on, and I certainly would have someone else as a birth partner (he can be there if he wants as most hospitals allow 2 birth partners).

His mum isn't actually your problem, it's his. You can tell her that you left it to him to tell her, so it's down to him.

I wouldn't let him back in the house unless he comes back sayig he's thought about it and wants to be a family, you need to start planning being alone - because you will be alone raising this child even if your 'D'P is in the same house as you. He has made it clear he's opting out of his responsibilties, that will be hard to take when he's under the same roof acting like your child is not his responsiblity.

Plus most people will assume he's not being an arse, so if he's living with you, you'll get less help from others than you would if he was elsewhere - and if you aren't going to get help from him, you are goign to need it from others.

Oh and congratulations! (I'd put it on facebook and tell work, he's had this chance to tell people himself, start being out as pregnant, you've got only another couple of weeks before you'll have a bump anyway)

expatinscotland Tue 22-Apr-14 16:31:38

Oh, yeah, put your scan picture on FB and Twitter.

OP - given the grace and strength you've already shown it's clear you will be an excellent parent. Your partner doesn't deserve you or your baby. Leave him, go back to your parents and make some plans. They love you and will help you. Your in laws too sound like they can be helpful. Definitely be clear with them you want them in the baby's life. Your ex partner - make him pay what he should for his child and see how things go in terms of him building a relationship with the child. I wouldn't expect much though. It will probably take him 20 years to grow the hell up.

Cupid5tunt Tue 22-Apr-14 16:41:19

I think you should tell his Mum (relationship dependant) before making it public knowledge.

Do you get on with her? Do you feel like you could pick the phone up to her? I appreciate what has been said about it being his responsibility but if he isn't man enough to do it I think the nicest way for her to find out would be from you.

Lot's of women stand by their Son's no matter what but plenty don't. She may be able to kick him into touch or she may become a friend of yours as well as a grandparent to your child.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 22-Apr-14 16:43:37

Even allowing for a shock, knee-jerk reaction, minor age-difference and lack of job security I don't think there's any going back from someone insisting that you abort your child. When your lovely baby arrives I guarantee you will want to do serious bodily harm to someone that so casually wished them dead.

I'd return this so-called partner to the underside of a nearby rock and tell them to grow the fuck up.

Offred Tue 22-Apr-14 16:43:42

Please do not entertain continuing in a relationship with this man!

He's not only decided that a baby he is half responsible for having created is something he can opt out of but that he can blame you and emotionally abuse you because he doesn't want to take responsibility for his actions.

You should listen to what he's telling you there. Yes, having a baby that you didn't plan and don't want is pretty scary but his reaction to those feelings is intolerable and you should heed the warning.

Plan your life as a single parent, please don't try to make things work with him because when he is not being horrible and abusive he is a normal nice partner.

Caucasus Tue 22-Apr-14 16:48:58

That was my thinking too, Cupid5tunt, when I called her - since he got so mad about me trying to tell her I've left it to him. If she's upset when she finally finds out at least she'll know I tried to get in touch.

That's a lovely thing to say Northernlurker thanks so much. And thanks for the congrats MaryWestmacott. I'm new here and it's so nice to have so may responses and advices. Thanks guys!

Caucasus Tue 22-Apr-14 16:49:44

p.s. I don't have facebook and my twitter is very work oriented, so no danger of public outing by scan picture!

Offred Tue 22-Apr-14 16:51:52

Does he need to be home to go to his work or can he get there from his mother's house?

joanofarchitrave Tue 22-Apr-14 17:00:46

I do think people should be allowed to make a lot of mistakes when they first find out they are going to be a parent, it freaks out many people who subsequently are great parents.

It is the brutal truth that he doesn't get to make all the decisions in this situation, and it does affect his life. I think most men adjust to this in time, but some keep it as a little pet festering source of resentment. You don't have to be around, if that's the case. Focus on his treatment of you.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Tue 22-Apr-14 17:02:17

If he was truly being sincere when he talked about being together for the long-term and having a family together in the future he wouldn't be being this vile to you now. So, all of that was lies.

Make plans for being a single parent. If he sticks around it will be only to fling more insults and pain in your direction. Get rid and do it quickly.

Caucasus Tue 22-Apr-14 17:06:04

He can work from him mum's, Offred.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted - that's how I'm feeling too. It's so sad though to think that the whole of our history has been a lie and this awful two months is the truth of him. I can't believe that from being a kind, thoughtful man, this is what he has become.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Tue 22-Apr-14 17:13:19

He hasn't become anything: he's been like that all the time but hiding it, just as long as things were bowling along the way he wanted them to be. Now, he's not in control, he doesn't like it and is punishing you for it. I don't think this is likely to stop any time soon.

Offred Tue 22-Apr-14 17:17:14

Totally agree with bitter and so much better for you to find this out now and be able to distance yourself before the baby is here.

KatoPotato Tue 22-Apr-14 17:17:42

Firstly, Congratulations. Your life is about to chance so so much for the better, and even more so now that you've found out what an absolute useless prick your DP is.

better to find out now, rather than waste any more time, effort or energy into this horrid man.

What's been said cannot be unsaid, and you do not need such a pathetic, negative twerp bringing you or your little one down to such a level of negative behaviour.

Be strong, and be proud of yourself for realising you are better than this horror.

I found such an amazing inner strength when I found out I was pg, and felt I could take on the world, - well, actually I remember I used to panic about trying to park my car in tight spaces - on the day of my first booking in appointment I swung that car into the space in the sweetest manouevre ever!

a silly thing to compare, but I do have a random point in there somewhere...

take care, I think you are going to be alright lady! xxxx

expatinscotland Tue 22-Apr-14 17:17:54

The whole 'not ready yet' is the biggest load of string along bollocks around. I'm glad you're getting this chance to become a mum. He could well have cost you the chance entirely.

Offred Tue 22-Apr-14 17:17:58

Op - so he could come home anytime he fancies? Do you want him back with you?

Caucasus Tue 22-Apr-14 17:26:40

Thanks Katopotato!

Offred, yes, hew works freelance so apart from certain set dates (which are all around the country) can be wherever he wants. granted, I feel pretty sad and lonely ATM, but it's also a relief to have some calm. I want him back with me if he's behaving like a normal human, but not if there's been no change.

Offred Tue 22-Apr-14 17:29:17

If he can come home anytime I think maybe you need to make a decision about whether you want him home before he does come back. He'll maybe be hoping he can ignore you and then catch you on the hop by turning up out of the blue which he may hope might bully you into doing what he wants.

sykadelic Tue 22-Apr-14 17:30:22

Let's be honest, having a child IS a huge life change and it's understandable that he's shocked and feels like his life is now completely out of his control. He's catastrophising having a child because he doesn't have one, he only knows that it will change his life forever and "you're taking away his choice".

All that said, it does NOT excuse him acting like a prick to you. You have made your decision, he has made his. Just like he can't change your opinion, you can't change his.

It doesn't make him a bad person because he doesn't want a child, what DOES make him a bad person is the way he's treating you.

You can either choose to accept his behaviour and hope he'll change or simply say - "This is happening. You can either grow up and accept the reality, or leave, but either way our relationship is over. I will not continue to let myself be abused by you, and neither will I let you sully the joy of this for me. I am exercising my right to choice and leaving this relationship. What you choose to do next is up to you."

MinesaMess Tue 22-Apr-14 17:38:59

I think if you stay with this manchild there's every chance he'll ruin what should be a very special time. I say that as someone who separated from my partner when pregnant. Every time baby cries, needs fed, gets ill etc..it'll be 'your job' to see to it's needs as 'you're the one who wanted a baby'. Resentment will build, on both sides, and that won't be a nice environment. Raising a baby alone is challenging but very very rewarding and generally much less stressful than doing so with a reluctant partner.

Quinteszilla Tue 22-Apr-14 17:48:31

It is interesting how he thinks that leaving is not an option, but staying and emotionally abusing you, blackmailing you and manipulating you is an option? Like you just have to take it?

I fear this may be a classical case of a man showing his true colours and becoming verbally and emotionally abusive once the female is pregnant, and feels "stuck"

WilsonFrickett Tue 22-Apr-14 17:56:52

My DP did have a minor freak out when we found I was (planned) pg - it consisted of a week of fretting, being quite grumpy and hands-off, culminating in me shouting 'Fuck sake, I'm not supposed to get stressed' in the queue for a table in Pizza Express, us both bursting into tears (him quietly, me not so much), going home, having a cuddle and then moving on into our life with our bump and subsequent baby.

That's cold feet. What you are facing is emotional abuse and man-child fuckwittery of the highest order. Don't put it up with it OP - I'm worried it will escalate. DV often starts around the time of pg/birth - I'm not saying that to scare you, I'm saying it to help you understand the stakes are high here.

Start telling people about your pg. Start rallying your support. Start planning. Stand your ground and stand up for your child.

(Oh and I am 100% pro-choice. Trying to bully someone into an abortion against their will is so far the opposite of pro-choice though that I'm finding it hard to type this sentence angry. You do what's right for you.)

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