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I'm pregnant and my (previously sane) partner is being a total knob

(60 Posts)
Caucasus Tue 22-Apr-14 15:31:56

I'm 3 months into an unplanned pregnancy. I've been with my oh for about 3.5 years. Up to now we've been happy (most of the time). He's always been loud and clear that he loves me and we're in this for the long haul. He's also said for a long time he wants children with me in the future - but that he's not ready yet.

Anyway, since we found out that I was pregnant he's been absolutely AWFUL.He says he does want children with me, but not yet. He's spent the last two months (since we found out) alternating between begging me to have an abortion, being incredibly cruel to me for refusing to have an abortion (calling me heartless, selfish, saying I am ruining his life and the baby's life and that he wishes he'd never met me and my tiny black heart because I'm a monster, that I cannot love him or I would never do this to him etc), and pretending that nothing is happening.

I had my 12 week scan last week and thought that might change things - I was hoping when he saw the baby he might better be able to empathise with my decision not to abort. No luck - the begging/cruelty/denial cycle continued, and he said he "felt nothing", that he sees nothing positive at all about the pregnancy, and that he feels his life is over and the world is imploding.

The clincher is he asserts that "if" I have the baby (I've made it clear there's no if about it) he will have to stay around, and that me "forcing him to be an absentee father" is "not an option".

I understand where he's coming from - I'm 33 and he's 28, so there is an age difference there in terms of him not being ready, but he's driving me up the wall.

I have a good job, and except during maternity (for most of which I only get statutory) we shouldn't have any financial worries. However, he is on a low, insecure income, so there is some worry about him having to take on the lion's share of bringing home the bacon during that first year when I'm on leave.

he refuses to tell anyone about the pregnancy, including his (kind, supportive, reasonable) parents. I got this close >- to telling his mum myself (I know this was out of line, but we are close, I felt guilty that my parents have known for months but she didn't, and I knew she would be supportive of him) but he picked up her phone when I rang and was, unsurprisingly, extremely unhappy about my trying to tell her.

All in all, the pregnancy has turned a good relationship into an absolute hellhole shitstorm, I'm not feeling that great about it and I don't really know what to do.

Any advice at all much appreciated.

(TLDR: Unexpectedly pregnant, previously-nice partner now behaving like a massive, massive tool, please help!)

Why are you with him now?
He sounds completely vile.
If I were you, I'd be getting away from him.
I'd be off to my parents to be with people that love and care for me at a time when I need it the most.
Let him have his freedom and you do what you need to do for yourself and your baby.
Congrats by the way.

NatashaBee Tue 22-Apr-14 15:38:12

I can understand how an unplanned pregnancy would throw someone, but frankly, it's not like you made a baby by yourself and he needs to grow up. It sounds like you have made the decision to go ahead with the pregnancy either way, regardless of whether he wants to be involved - he is being very unfair to say you're "forcing" him to do anything. Personally I would tell his mother, if you get on well with her, it sounds like you could do with some support. Do you really feel that you want to continue with this relationship with him behaving the way he is? It sounds like you will have not one child to deal with shortly, but two.

LavenderGreen14 Tue 22-Apr-14 15:40:03

I don't see how you can stay with him after he has said such terrible things. He is only staying because you are pregnant but doesn't want to be a father? It can't really improve from that can it?

Queenofthehill Tue 22-Apr-14 15:43:50

My DS's father said almost identical things to me. I'm so glad we are no longer together. This is a textbook manchild, sorry.

ThePriory Tue 22-Apr-14 15:45:21

If your DP is saying that he wishes he never met you, and doen't want a child, u r not married, unfortunately there is not a lot you can do. He won't stick around to support u or your DC.
Take measures to find support from people who care about you, and work out where you stand independently.

FunkyBoldRibena Tue 22-Apr-14 15:46:41

He knows that it's because of his sperm that you got pregnant, right? You haven't done this all on your own?

eightyearsonhere Tue 22-Apr-14 15:46:45

I would phone his parents and tell them that you are laving him because he has spent the past 3 months trying to emotionally black mail you into having an abortion that you have said over and over you do not want and will not be having.
And then I would leave him.
Congratulations on your baby.
It is really much much better that you find out now what arse he is, than waste your fertile years on this awful man and find yourself in this situation in 5 years time. He has done you a massive favour actually by revealing his true colours now.
Enjoy your baby.

He's a twat and do you really think he is going to revert back to that nice bloke?

He's shown his true colours, take the opportunity to tell him to fuck off and move on with your life, you've got a beautiful baby to look forward to.

Quinteszilla Tue 22-Apr-14 15:51:29

Dump him, and tell his mum why, so she understands why you must split up. You may also want her on board as a grandma.
My bet if that he wants you to be the one to leave as he won't like to be known as ghe man who left his pregnant partner! I think your life will
Improve without him in it.

Congratulations in your pregnancy!

Caucasus Tue 22-Apr-14 15:52:19

Thanks everyone. The crazy thing is that when he's not in a "mood" he's still very kind to me and says he loves me, I'm the one, hugging and kissing me, holding my hand etc.

He's also explicitly said that he WILL stick around - that leaving me "is not an option".

I think you're right Queenofthehill that he's being a total man-child. I also think he's torn between the man he wants to be (i.e. sticking around, "manning up") and his fear of responsibility.

BTW, after our last argument I made him leave and he's now staying at his mum's - and not telling her that we've fallen out or that I'm pregnant, most likely. She lives quite far away so she'll probably assume he's just visiting her for easter.

Cupid5tunt Tue 22-Apr-14 15:52:21

He sounds vile. Whilst I appreciate and unplanned pregnancy can be hard to get your head around the way he is treating you is unacceptable.

I personally don't think I could stay with someone like that. My ExH told me I should have an abortion during an argument (our daughter was planned) and then he said after she was born that he wished I'd had an abortion when I'd had the chance. I was a single Mum by the time my daughter was 7 weeks and haven't looked back since.

I hope that if you stay the outcome of your story is different but if I were you I would start preparing for doing this alone now just in case.

What do you want to do? In terms of your relationship that is, I gather from your OP termination is not an option.

JaceyBee Tue 22-Apr-14 15:57:33

It's bollocks about leaving being 'not an option' you know, you are perfectly entitled to leave the relationship with him, he does not get to decide you're staying together and that's that! Of course it's an option. Stupid man.

Spottybra Tue 22-Apr-14 15:57:36

He's a twat. Get rid.
My 16yr old about to sit gcse's reacted more favourable to his ex girlfriend telling him she was pregnant. They went to tell her parents together because she was too scared. He's been more mature than your boyfriend. The baby was born last week.

expatinscotland Tue 22-Apr-14 15:58:15

He is still trying to bully you into an abortion you don't want. Dump and tell his mummy why.

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis Tue 22-Apr-14 16:00:13

So you would have two babies, except the one that you give birth to will be more mature. Agree with quint and eighty, tell his mum what a blackmailing knob he is, then dump his whiny arse.
But make sure he pays his whack, he needs to realise he has responsibilities.
And many congrats.

Caucasus Tue 22-Apr-14 16:00:30

Oh, Cupid5tunt, that's horrible, I'm so sorry you had to put up with that.

I'm totally, 100% pro-choice, so it's not that I'm anti-abortion, but I just don't want to do it. Everyone said I should make this decision for me, and I'm not a child, I have a job, I have supportive family, and I know I can look after this baby. To me, to get an abortion because it's not 100% convenient felt like the selfish option - we didn't plan this but I feel relatively ready. My mum was pregnant with me as a teenager, and my friends have been having babies off and on since we were 14 - if they could do it then I can certainly do it at 33 with good job prospects and my education finished.

In terms of the relationship, I have no idea. I want to give him the chance to come around, because all his protestations about me not "forcing him" to be an absentee father suggest that's what he wants to do, but I'm not going back to him behaving like he is. I suppose I just have to plan to carry on on my own. He hasn't contacted me for two days (we usually text/call multiple times through the day when we're apart) and I'm certainly not contacting him.

Hes had long enough to get over the shock, he is still trying to black mail you into having a termination.

Dump him, bloody man child that he is. You and your baby deserve better. Tell his mother as well

AnyFucker Tue 22-Apr-14 16:06:19

He is going to use this against you for the rest of his life

My advice is to show him the door now and cut out all the shit in the middle.

florencedombey Tue 22-Apr-14 16:09:22

He sounds as though he's absolutely terrified. I am going to be slightly more sympathetic than some of the posters on here and take at face value your comments that he is basically a good man.

Not to excuse the awful things he has said to you, but they sound to me like the sort of things one might say in a panic and not really mean deep down. Do you have any friends with kids? Does he? Am just thinking that if he had friends who are dads it might help for him to chat to them and see that his life isn't going to end just because a baby is coming along.

expatinscotland Tue 22-Apr-14 16:12:08

Diddums! He's scared. Then own up and say it like a fucking ADULT, not emotionally abuse your partner and try to bully her into an abortion.

What a fuckwit.

He's 28.

Cupid5tunt Tue 22-Apr-14 16:12:58

Don't be sorry, it's honestly worked out for the best and I don't regret any of my decisions for a single second. They were just the tip of the iceberg - his alcohol abuse, drug abuse, DV were some of the others, all which started during pregnancy.

It is tough at times being a single parent but trust me when I say that's it's a hell of a lot easier than having to effectively be a single parent in a household where you have a man child as well as a baby.

I am 100% pro choice if it is what the right choice is for that person. What he is trying to get you to do against your own judgement is disgusting. It's not a hobby he is asking you to give up it's your baby who is very much wanted by you by the sounds of things and who you have undoubtedly already started to bond with.

I would tell you to get well rid of him but it really is a choice you need to come to by yourself. He may do a 180 and come back to being a great partner and be a great Dad but don't pin all your hopes on it. It's amazing how quickly I fell out of love with my husband because he couldn't/wouldn't love our child whom I loved more than anything else in the world.

You will make your own decisions in time, but you really don't need to put up with him if/when you decide that you don't want to. It's all good and well him saying him leaving isn't an option, he doesn't have the option of whether you decide to leave him or not. That is your choice.

Cupid5tunt Tue 22-Apr-14 16:15:03

And FWIW my ex was 39 I was 22, age has very little to do with how you deal with these situations. It's emotional maturity which doesn't come alongside age all the time unfortunately.

petalsandstars Tue 22-Apr-14 16:16:58

Perhaps send his mum a letter? Typed envelope if you think he might intercept it if he recognised your hand writing and then you can tell her you do want her involved even if he is being a twat.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Tue 22-Apr-14 16:20:02

He won't leave you but he will be a total cunt to you and ruin your pregnancy will he? And you don't get a choice in this? Fucking dick.
If I were you I would kick his nasty arse out and wait to see whether he has a total personality transplant and comes crawling back begging forgiveness. If he doesn't - there's your answer.

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