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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Was I out of order?

77 replies

nc20144 · 21/04/2014 21:51

I will try not to make this too long.
tonight while trying to install an app on DH tablet a FB message alert popped up from a woman whose name I recognised.

when I was 7 months pg with DD, DH had a work night out, got completely drunk, phoned me by mistake and I heard a lot of commotion in background and a woman telling him to 'get in the car'. when he came home I looked at his phone and there was a text from someone calling him babe. I text back saying whose no is this and reply was 'X' from earlier tonight.
next day I went ballistic. He said nothing happened and she was with a boyfriend. I let it go.
2 weeks later I find a receipt for a (quite expensive) lunch for 2. again, I went mad, he claimed he met her and her BF. He apparently ate nothing and the receipt was from their meal
then a text arrived from OW along the lines of "thinking about u too. hope all is okay but if not would be great to see u"
I phoned OW and she backed the story up but said her BF was out and she'd get him to ring me when he came in.
He didn't and i got a text from her saying she wasn't getting involved in whatever domestic we seemed to he having.
DH swore nothing happened, i had no proof, I let it go even though I knew he was still texting her.
I found her FB page and basically stalked her for months she was 4 or 5 mth pg when they met but was single. eventually I stopped looking but never forgot the incident.
fast forward 4 years to tonight when I find out he is her FB friend. He can't understand why I'm angry and upset. We argued and he got angry that I was talking about something that happened 4 years ago. again proclaimed his innocence. think he was shocked i knew a lot from my FB stalking. He deleted her off FB then said he was deleting FB altogether. said I didn't trust him, I'd ruined his evening etc and sat in silence all evening.
was I out of order?

OP posts:

Report

Dirtybadger · 21/04/2014 21:56

No. You weren't out of order. He's trying to get you to stfu by sulking. Why would he pay for a meal for a couple? Sorry but that makes no sense and I'd be insulted he couldn't even attempt a better lie!

graceholl · 21/04/2014 21:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 21/04/2014 22:00

He's a liar and not even a particularly good one.

Val007 · 21/04/2014 22:00

He wants to delete his facebook to cover up! The cheek!

nc20144 · 21/04/2014 22:01

The tablet hadn't been switched on for months and a load of notifications appeared and I saw her name. I think it was from a while ago. I'm not even sure it was a message. He said I could look at the messages but I didn't.
I don't believe there ever was a boyfriend and the lunch story was bollocks as he was reeking of garlic the evening of the lunch and garlic bread was on the receipt. He still denies he ate it. It's almost laughable.

OP posts:

Olddear · 21/04/2014 22:03

So, was he sitting at the table beside them, eating nothing while they tucked in, and he picked up the bill?! I've met some bad liars in my time but he wins!!!

nc20144 · 21/04/2014 22:06

Apparently so olddear but he says he didn't pay the bill! I'm not sure how it got in his pocket. He only had a pint (which wasn't on the bill)!

OP posts:

Dirtybadger · 21/04/2014 22:06

At an expensive place. You would always buy something. I have special dietary requirements but I always get at least a drink and something tiny so I don't look odd. Not sure why we are proving this as it is so obvious. But just in case 1% of you believed him.

Offred · 21/04/2014 22:06

Yes and no.

You should have dumped him years ago if you're still upset. I don't think you are being unreasonable to be upset about this but you are to have stayed with him for years after and to still be bringing it up.

RyvitaSesame · 21/04/2014 22:07

yeh agree with dirtybadger, he's trying to get you to stfu by sulking. he told a lie about lunch (nobody pays for another couple's lunch). If he told the truth about what had gone on then you could talk, but by sulking and lying you can't even attempt to sort it out!
Also, I could be very old fashioned here, or just unlucky with men, but how many women manage to get a new boyfriend when they're 4 or 5 months pregnant, ie, visibly pregnant!?

Deleting his facebook account is a suspicious over reaction I think

nc20144 · 21/04/2014 22:25

It hasn't been mentioned since the day I found the lunch bill. because I couldn't prove anything I let it go.
I think he got scared that I knew so much about OW personal life and that's why he refused to discuss it.

OP posts:

nc20144 · 22/04/2014 08:22

H has left for work. We didn't speak as I pretended to be asleep. He was up a few times in the night which is unusual so I'm guessing this has bothered him.
I'm not sure how to handle the situation when he comes in from work.

OP posts:

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 22/04/2014 08:24

I think you need to do some snooping.

purpleroses · 22/04/2014 08:38

I think that 4 years ago there was a meal together and a bit of flirting which he lied about. But you challenged him over it and looks like it was dropped. If all that's happened since then is that they've been FB friends then maybe it's not helping things to bring it all up now. FB pops up notifications from people just because they've updated their status - different from a message.

nc20144 · 22/04/2014 09:06

purpleroses I also believe that is what happened.
I certainly don't think he is having an affair.
I do think bringing up something that happened 4 years ago is unreasonable but I felt I had to in order to explain why I was so upset about them being FB friends. I don't think I deserved to get shouted at for questioning it.

OP posts:

Offred · 22/04/2014 09:11

No, I don't think you deserved being shouted at but it is clear you have an unresolved trust issue and a problem with honesty/communication in the relationship. What he said was clearly a lie. In the last four years he has clearly not given you any reason to recover your trust.

Doesn't seem like much of a relationship tbh.

nc20144 · 22/04/2014 11:03

I thouggt i had resolved my trust issues, he's given me every reason to trust him over the past 4 years and I know the texting stopped soon after DD was born.
like I said, I do not believe he is having an affair.
I suppose I'm just going to have to draw a line under this and carry on like I did before . I have no friends and no family I can talk to.

OP posts:

Offred · 22/04/2014 11:26

But you didn't draw a line under it before did you?

Clearly this is something you haven't been able to get over. If you can't get over it really the appropriate thing to do is split up. Sweeping it under the carpet just doesn't work.

It's sad but sometimes relationships have to end because you can't get over something even when you feel like you should be able to. If you can't then really that's it isn't it?

Jan45 · 22/04/2014 11:29

That is laughable, the story about buying lunch for a couple but not eating himself, oh dear.

OP, he's a liar and a really bad one at that, I couldn't trust someone like that.

Offred · 22/04/2014 11:31

And he may have given the impression he is trustworthy in other parts of your life but he is still lying about this thing isn't he?

nc20144 · 22/04/2014 12:02

He didn't pay for the lunch he just ended up with the receipt
I know he lied to me before.
I know he is still lying about what happened at that time. I know he must be lying as there was something to hide. I accepted that and moved on. I forgave but did not forget. If there had been a full blown affair I might have done different but there was no evidence of that and I never saw the content of their texts.

I posted here to get opinions on whether I was out of order objecting to DH and this woman being FB friends even if nothing is going on. I'm not even sure they were messaging on FB.
I also just wanted to talk about this as I have kept it all to myself for so long and writing it down has helped.

OP posts:

Offred · 22/04/2014 12:23

What are you hoping to achieve? Feeling ok about this? No-one can help you with that on here. He needs to be honest about what happened if you're going to move on happily.

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nc20144 · 22/04/2014 12:34

That's the thing, he is so adamant that he is telling the truth that I think maybe he is and it is me that's in the wrong.

OP posts:

nc20144 · 22/04/2014 12:35

Which is why I posted here, to try and make some sense of it all.

OP posts:

Offred · 22/04/2014 12:43

Maybe he is but I'd say it was less likely than him lying IYSWIM? I think I'd feel pretty betrayed just by what he did do - going out and secretly getting wasted with a woman who called him babe while I was at home heavily pg. at the very least that is poor boundaries. At worst they were considering being together and he backed out when you caught him.

The way he behaves is not helpful either - being defensively angry and then totally avoidant. Makes him look quite guilty.

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