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Not had sex for almost two years

(802 Posts)

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Olliedelondon Mon 21-Apr-14 14:03:55

I very much love my DW. Before we had our two children, we had a reasonable sex life, although I would always initiate. But since our children we have had very little sex (once every four months maybe) and nothing at all for now almost two years. My DW says that I am unreasonable in my 'needs' and that I should focus all my attentions on looking after the children. But I think it's destroying our marriage and I'm not prepared to sacrifice a sex life and frankly don't see why I should. I also don't think she fancies me. At all. Am I unreasonable? What should I do? I have 'got by' by using pornography in secret. I have also started fantasising about attractive colleagues, although I have never had an affair. The sexual frustration I feel is almost painful...Help?

Blueuggboots Mon 21-Apr-14 14:09:56

Do you compliment her? Help around the house? Offer to give her time on her own away from the kids? Do DIY or chores she has asked you to do?
I didn't want to sleep with STBXH because he was lazy and never did anything around the house or to help with meals or washing or with our DS while I ran round like a loon and tried to do everything, despite repeatedly telling him. By the time I got to bed, I was absolutely knackered and really pissed off with him so sex was the last thing in my mind!!
Have you talked to her about it?
Is her saying you should concentrate on the children a way of saying she doesn't think you help enough?

HanSolo Mon 21-Apr-14 14:14:28

Is there much intimacy between you still (I don't mean sexual intimacy, personal intimacy)? Do you talk a lot, touch or kiss one another still?
Do you cherish her?

CogitoEggySometimes Mon 21-Apr-14 14:28:45

It's not unreasonable to want physical intimacy. When she says 'focus on looking after the children' does she mean that once people are parents they shouldn't have sexual needs at all, or does she mean that she's left to do everything for the children and is resentful? I'm also interested in whether you (plural) are physically affectionate otherwise.

Olliedelondon Mon 21-Apr-14 14:30:43

Thanks. She does say that I don't do enough round the house, but I recently set up a new business and work 60 plus hours per week doing that. I also have a great relationship with my Children and do plenty with them. When I pay her a compliment, she shrugs as if I am being sarcastic. We have no physical connection at all, not even holding hands or a hug. I have tried but feels like she recoils. Is really quite upsetting. She's a great mother, but I would say, in this way, a rubbish wife. Or is that unfair? Thanks.

CogitoEggySometimes Mon 21-Apr-14 14:40:42

No physical connection is extremely worrying. She is not a 'rubbish wife' however.... that's a really crappy thing to say. You have a major incompatibility going on and you need to talk to each other about how to bridge the gulf. Working 60 hour weeks, for example, however well-intentioned, is going to mean that you barely see each other. Very difficult to maintain any kind of relationship with someone in those circumstances. I'd also question whether you are contributing in any meaningful way to the domestic angle of family life.

Does she go out to work, have a social life etc ... What does she do during these 60 hours?

HanSolo Mon 21-Apr-14 14:47:52

So what could you do around the house that would be more your fair share?
Who organises the children's lives? Does your wife have to run the entire household? WHat type of things does she like dong least?

Olliedelondon Mon 21-Apr-14 14:50:24

Again, thanks for your comments. She doesn't really do anything other than look after the children. We can't go out together as we have nobody to look after the boys. I suppose I can see her frustration, as she really has worked very hard on bringing up the children and I get to do lots of fun things through work which she doesn't. But, as somebody said to me recently, sex is important and celibacy is not an option for me, no matter how selfish a conceit.

CogitoEggySometimes Mon 21-Apr-14 14:58:57

Good sex is an expression of affection. It's important but it's not a standalone item. If you want a good sexual relationship with your wife she has to feel valued, cherished, loved, relaxed. She has to feel warm and fuzzy towards you. She has to feel good in herself. 'Nobody to look after the boys' is a crock of shite... sorry. If you really wanted to go out together, you'd find a babysitter no problem. Nothing turns a woman off quicker than feeling like an unregarded domestic appliance while the partner is off doing fun stuff.

PigletJohn Mon 21-Apr-14 15:11:45

Do you think that working 60 hours a week is conducive to good home relationships?

I gather that you are not making any money because you can't afford a babysitter or someone to help in the house.

Olliedelondon Mon 21-Apr-14 15:14:24

I just wonder whether she is just not interested in sex. She has never initiated it between us, and I'm sure it wouldn't bother her If we never did it again. It was like on our wedding night, she refused and it was a further two weeks before we actually consummated our marriage..

Olliedelondon Mon 21-Apr-14 15:16:59

PigletJohn - no, 60 hour week no good, but I have no choice if business is to succeed. We're reasonably well off and could afford babysitter, but she point blank refuses anyone else to look after boys, save for family..

weatherall Mon 21-Apr-14 15:17:47

You describe her as a rubbish wife then wonder why she doesn't want to shag you hmm

PigletJohn Mon 21-Apr-14 15:17:51

Why did the two of you want to marry?

croquet Mon 21-Apr-14 15:20:07

You two sound very out of touch - why not have a frank convo with her on this topic?

croquet Mon 21-Apr-14 15:20:35

p.s. Don't shag anyone from work.

It sounds like she could well do with talking to a counsellor. There could be all sorts of reasons why she is not interested; mental issues as well as physical. Was she abused in childhood?.

This needs addressing by both of you and now; she needs to start opening up as to why she does not want sex and you need to start listening to her properly. She also needs to award you that same courtesy.

Not having sex for two years is the tip of a very big iceberg of a problem that may well even pre date your own relationship although you write that your sex life was reasonable prior to marriage and children. You always initiated sex though, did you ever wonder why she never did that?.

Olliedelondon Mon 21-Apr-14 15:24:20

I married her because I found her very attractive and we had really good fun together. We were both very social and had a great time. I think she is rubbish as she doesn't seem to care about me at all. I know one shouldn't compare, but I look on with envy at my other married friends with children and they seem to have it all. Is that wrong? Why can't we have it all?

croquet Mon 21-Apr-14 15:26:33

No you should be able to have it all a bit more than that. She is probably just very very in love with the children. But she needs to wise up and realise that she needs to reconnect with you if you're going to stay together.

Tbh I reckon a lot of women could be happy with their husband on a sort of 'backburner' for the childrearing years. But it's not practical - so she needs to start working on her relationship again.

croquet Mon 21-Apr-14 15:27:36

It's not like she can send you off to fight a 10-year long war or something, and then welcome you home with open arms just as the kids are getting big enough to be self sufficient!

Have you actually talked to her about the lack of sex within your relationship?. Why have the two of you not talked about this, its horribly sad for the two of you that this has gone on now for two years. Why have the two of you allowed your relationship to get to such a parlous state?.

Your friends certainly do not have it all either.

Itsfab Mon 21-Apr-14 15:28:13

I had a bit of sympathy for you until you said "she doesn't really do anything but look after the boys." hmm

Agree with itsfab shock

You should help out more. I mean, all you do is work a 60hr week right?

Isn't endearing is it? I'll bet that's why she'd rather not. Who wants to sleep with someone who thinks that little of them hmm

And I'll bet she does care but the kids have taken over. That's not great but she's not rubbish. At least she's a good mum!

PassAFist Mon 21-Apr-14 15:39:05

DH and I got ourselves into similar circumstances - working all the time, no sex for 3 years and TBH I thought we would never have sex again, was totally fine with that. There was a lot of resentment because I was the one doing the majority of the childcare and also the one working 60+ hours per week (from home). He only went out to work, and compared to the life I was living that actually qualified as "fun", as in, if he wanted to have a quiet cup of coffee in his office by himself he could, and he could actually drink it while it was still hot! If he wanted to use the bathroom at work he could, with nobody outside the door demanding to come in and no kids fighting outside while you yell at them from the toilet. He thought of himself as having no life, but he still had 8+ hours a day when the only person he had to consider was himself. There was masses of resentment on my end. He was a great Dad when he got home, had plenty of fun with the kids, but again, he wasn't doing the slog of childcare that I was. If we ever talked about the relationship it was always from his viewpoint of us not having sex and I could never find the words to express how resentful I was of his "freedom".

I went away for 2 weeks on a course by myself and left him to do everything. He had to coordinate work and getting the kids to their various appointments and activities, make all the meals, do all the house stuff, and I got to have quiet cups of coffee and peaceful trips to the bathroom. It changed everything. He now does a much more equal share of the stuff at home and I am no longer willing to be the one doing everything. Sex life is back to what it was when we were first together, and we have been married for 15 years now.

That said, I doubt he ever thought I was a rubbish wife. Stressed and busy yes, but if I had ever got the impression that he thought I was a rubbish wife because of that I probably would have left. You need to have more empathy for the life that she is living. You need to help out. She needs to be able to have some kind of life outside of the house so that she can remember that she isn't just a mum. When you are in the trenches with young kids it is so easy to lose yourself, she needs a chance to be herself again while you take care of things on the home front. Let her do that and I bet it will go a long way towards helping your relationship.

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