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Relationships

Is it reasonable to snap at your partner if they suggested you should check for a chronic illness?

62 replies

Falconi · 20/04/2014 19:11

My H has been very ill for the last 15 days.
He phoned in sick only for one day and continue going to work. His employer's know he is not well and still keeps him there. I know he shouldn't being going.
It is not man flu and I haven't see him like this before.
It is a terrible cough, to me it sounds like chest infection or something to do with his lungs. He, at times is spitting blood and blowing blood through his nose.
From the beginning I suggested he goes to see a doctor or a pharmacist but he never did. He never does.

I was talking to my sister about this the other day and she was shocked and suggested he could get checked for TB. She knows someone who is recovering from TB and got it from work (same line of work as H) and told me a few facts. I got really scared.

So today, I told him I am going to book an appointment for him and I want him to go to for sure, and he said OK. Then I mentioned my sister's acquaintance and him snapped at me, totally out of the blue, told me to stop talking because I was scaring him and how can I even think about saying this just to make him scared... I was really surprised and apologised saying that this wasn't my intention at all and he continued going on saying that he knows it wasn't my intention but "I don't get it" and "he can't believe I am even saying this" and "just because I got worried I am trying to make him worried too"...

I got really upset but managed to hold it in and had a cry in the bedroom (I didn't like his tone and reaction). I am waiting for Dd to go to bed so I can tell him that I think he was being really unfair and demand an apology for talking to me like that, when again what I wanted was to help.

Something like that happened before, I was trying to help him to do something and he snapped and I felt like today (in fact much worse) and I just can't understand what is the trigger, what am I doing wrong? I know I was a little patronising on the other occasion, was I patronising today too?

Thank you if you got this far.
I need to know if I am BU and how is the best way to solve this without fighting.

OP posts:
FrontForward · 20/04/2014 19:14

He's possibly very scared making him unreasonable. I've seen people react like that. What about a calm chat to apologise for scaring him, say you care about him and you want him well...but also say how much his reaction upset you?

Katrose · 20/04/2014 19:14

Your husband is ill. It's natural he might get a bit grumpy- and if you're so worried about him you might be making him more worried.

makeminea6x · 20/04/2014 19:16

I agree that he ought to get checked by his GP. It is very difficult to get people to do what they don't want to do though. It may not be scary, it may just need antibiotics. Or it may not, but I think at this stage he needs a professional opinion.

If he is not normally snappy he is probably scared. He has probably got specific fears and won't feel better until these have been addressed. The only person who can really do that is a health care professional, I expect. All you can do is continue to be kind and supportive.

I think you have done the right thing making him an appointment.

wrapsuperstar · 20/04/2014 19:17

I don't think you are unreasonable by showing concern for his health. Of course the prospect of TB is a very scary one, but you clearly weren't trying to torment him, just raising something that may be (it's difficult to really tell from the limited info in your post) a possibility.

That said, his reaction is probably based in emotion and fear and it might be on this occasion worth cutting him a bit of slack -- only you can say if this is a sign of a bigger communication issue in your relationship.

Hope you are able to resolve it and your H gets checked out soon.

eurochick · 20/04/2014 19:18

He's scared but he really needs to see a dr.

itiswhatitiswhatitis · 20/04/2014 19:18

Actually I think it was a bit off of you to start telling worrying health stories. He agreed to you making the appointment you should have left it at that. My mum does things like this when people are sick and I think it's actually quite insensitive. Sorry but I don't think you should demand an apology.

scarletforya · 20/04/2014 19:18

Sounds like he's scared. He probably has himself convinced it's serious/terminal.

He needs the doctor of course. I would try not to get him there.

WhoNickedMyName · 20/04/2014 19:19

I would think if he's that unwell and still dragging himself into work, under pressure or with no support from his employer, then he's under white a bit of pressure or quite stressed, as well as being ill.

It was really good of you to make the appointment and he said ok he would go. You should have left it at that. Telling him about your sisters colleague that had TB was not needed. I really dislike people that do this, it's unnecessary scaremongering.

scarletforya · 20/04/2014 19:21

Try to get him there, sorry!

Pagwatch · 20/04/2014 19:22

He is scared a d he has been ill for weeks.
I'm not sure how you expect him to react if you start telling him scary health stories?

When people post on mn 'I have this scary symptom and I have a doctors appt' would you expect people to post 'oh good, get to the doctor because that might be painful death syndrome!'

GnomeDePlume · 20/04/2014 19:24

He had agreed to go to the doctor but then you followed up with something which he is possibly already worried about. Why?

What is his work like? Is he worried about keeping his job if he goes off sick?

Falconi · 20/04/2014 19:24

I could have booked an appointment long ago, but I always have to do that for him, even for dentist. He probably doesn't even have the GP surgery number on his phone.
He doesn't look after himself and doesn't like doctors, so I was trying not to step in and let him deal with it, until my sister suggested I intervene.
If he is so worried, why is him still smoking, drinking an occasional beer and going to work? Why doesn't him just go and book an appointment himself?
Than, again, I try to help and get a nasty reaction.
I mentioned TB because I wanted to make sure he would go to the appointment, instead of keeping self medicating and waiting for the illness to go away.
He also has pressure in his chest, headache, fever and heartburns at times but not all at once, I think.

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 20/04/2014 19:25

I think you shouldn't have mentioned tb! Perhaps if he was really digging his heels in, but he agreed with appt so probably is a bit worried already. I think it was insensitive if you and you should be a boy graceful with the snappy tone since he is unwell.

itiswhatitiswhatitis · 20/04/2014 19:30

Here's an example for you OP, a couple of months after ds was born I got sick with campylobacter food poisoning, I was really ill for a couple of weeks as well as being a tad hormonal! My mum in her infinite wisdom told me that she knew of someone who had developed Guillain-Barré syndrome as a complication of campylobacter and so began a terrible fear that this was going to happen to me which went onto develop into full blown health anxiety that I suffered with for 2 years (and finally went on ad's for when the poor dr finally convinced me I wasn't dying)

I'm sure your intentions were good but they were misplaced

CogitoEggySometimes · 20/04/2014 19:32

The reaction is by the by. I'm more concerned that a man is coughing up blood and getting no treatment because everyone's fannying around waiting for someone else to make an appointment. If he won't see a doctor please call 999. Whatever it is, he should be in a hospital

itiswhatitiswhatitis · 20/04/2014 19:32

He's scared and burying his head in the sand OP. You are right to worried and frustrated by his lack of action to take care of his health but his reaction to you proves to me that he is convinced something is very wrong and he is scared to face it.

Falconi · 20/04/2014 19:33

Thanks for the replies, I caught up now and I can now understand there was no need for me to mention my sister's acquaintance bad health story..that is why he said "I don't get it". I may have been insensitive, but it was totally innocent, I swear.
To be honest, my sister and I spoke on las Thursday, and I spoke to him today. Being thinking about how to bring this up and still made a mess of everything.
I haven't booked it yet, will do it tomorrow if they answer their phone (as it is Bank Holiday isn't it?) and book for Tuesday or Wednesday when is his days off.
Should I offer to go with him?
I just wished he booked an appointment himself long ago.

And he is having a stressful time at work and is workaholic, yes.

OP posts:
TheLadyRadishes · 20/04/2014 19:33

Oh fgs, you shouldn't mention an illness that he clearly has possible symptoms of, just because it could be serious and might be a bit scary?

We are all continually being educated by ads and campaigns to know the symptoms of various serious illnesses and know when we should see a doctor. The NHS does this because it is better to catch illnesses early and TB is a classic example (though there aren't so many campaigns because it's relatively rare) Catch it early and a) you can treat it and b) there's less chance of spreading it to all and sundry.

Him potentially being scared and digging his heels in is NOT a reason to tread on eggshells around this. He's coughing up blood, it's a possible sign of TB, he needs to see a doctor asap, end of story.

My DP is also reluctant to see docs but if this was him there is NO way I would be hanging back! I would be making it very clear to him that I was worried about TB and about him possibly spreading it so even if he refuses to look after himself he needs to think of the rest of us.

Falconi · 20/04/2014 19:38

BTW. I can't guarantee where the blood is coming from (mouth or nose)...I asked him a few times and he says he doesn't know (???), he is not sure (????)...I juts see red tissues in the bin on his side of the bed.
It is like dealing with a bloody child tbh, no pun intended.

OP posts:
itiswhatitiswhatitis · 20/04/2014 19:39

Would he go to the out of hours doctor tonight OP. To be honest it sound serious enough that he would get seen.

I do agree he needs a firm foot up his arse but more of a "for gods sake look at the state you are in get to the bloody doctors and get sorted out" kind of stance rather than a scare him shitless approach.

I have a policy with DH that he gets no sympathy or help until AFTER he has visited a dr when he has something more serious than man flu.

Falconi · 20/04/2014 19:41

Oh and I was worried about chest infection, something to do with cigarettes.
TB didn't cross my mind until my sister mentioned it.
I didn't know a lot about TB and to be fair I didn't even know it was still around Blush.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 20/04/2014 19:42

You were absolutely right to warn him of your sister's friend, because if he's coughing up blood, TB is one of the first things the doctor needs to rule out. It is irresponsible to be going into work with these symptoms as TB is contagious. There are other possibilities some better some worse.

So he goes to the GP on Tuesday for an emergency appointment and if you have to strong arm him to get him there, then so be it.

I don't have any sympathy for people who are 'scared' of illness. He needs to take responsibility for himself, for you, and for the people around him.

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Pagwatch · 20/04/2014 19:43

Well no , mentioning a scary disease isn't the best idea if you know that the person is scared.
If the object is to get them to the Doctor I do what works tbh.

Twinklestein · 20/04/2014 19:44

If you think you can pull it off, an out of hours doctor or A&E would be even better.

TheLadyRadishes · 20/04/2014 19:46

AFAIK it has been making a comeback in some countries and we do get cases in the UK. It is definitely not banished.

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