Am I just being over the top??

[Docmcstuffin]

Ok. I'm preparing for a flaming/people to tell me I'm over reacting. That's ok if so then I need to hear it!

2DDs, go to their dads one night a week sometimes two. Eldest DD isn't his biological daughter, but she calls him daddy. Biological dad also around and visits now and again, we have a good relationship but I don't have a good one with second DDs dad.

He has a new partner and she has children but they don't live with her, primary school age I think. After a recent bad experience we've said that we will be upfront about introducing the girls and contact with a new person; they've been through a lot and are quite vulnerable at the moment.
DDs came home the other day and said new partner had done bathtime.
Am I completely unreasonable that that just seems so wrong. I've never met her. She has kids that don't live with her (ok so I've got judgey pants on there and really shouldn't as I'm being mean there, slap wrist).
Maybe I'm just jealous and just think it's the protection issue.

[CuntyBunny]

You aren't being over the top. I wouldn't like it for my DCs. I'm not in your position, so don't have any useful advice, but I'm sure the power of MN knowledge with be with you soon. Your instincts are good, and I would question why she doesn't have custody of her DCs, instead playing mum with yours.

[AuntieStella]

How old are your DDs and how much bath time assistance do they need?

If you have CP issues about this woman, then she should not have access to them at all. Other than being an NRP, what has led you to conclude she poses a risk?

[mammadiggingdeep]

You're not being over the top.

I'd be fucking fuming.

Their dad should have done bath time, end of.

Why doesn't the gf live with her kids- that may/may not be relevant here.

Even without that, a stranger (to you and dc really) should not be doing bath time.

[pinklady1107]

This happened to my DDs back in summer, I was furious. spoke to ex and to be fair it never happened again.

I also told the girls to insist only dad baths them. x

[Docmcstuffin]

Thanks so much for the replies; it's actually a relief to know I'm not crazy being bothered by this.

He won't tell me why they don't live with her, he has just said previously he doesn't know. There's nothing in particular that I suspect about her, but them I don't know much about her at all apart from that she has a good job apparently.
Girls dad bullies me quite a lot (ea when we together, never towards DDs)
DDs are 4 and 2
Thanks
x

[Finola1step]

Turn this around OP. if it were you, with a brand new boyfriend who had had his children removed (probably). How would your ex feel about him doing bath time?

[mammadiggingdeep]

Turn it around some more...

If you had a new partner, would u feel happy bathing his daughters alone? I'm very maternal, work with children and get 'stuck in' with other people's kids...however, I wouldn't do this I don't think...

A) it's daddy time and daddy's duty b) I'd feel uncomfortable about how their mum would feel c) I wouldn't see it as my role at all...

I just think it's inappropriate.

[BrunoBrookesDinedAlone]

He bullies you?

Stop contact and tell him to take it to court.

If he's a bully, he isn't going to listen to your concerns, acknowledge them and respect them. He's going to carry right on, and he isn't going to like you trying to tell him what to do. And you can apply the above to all and every situation like this in the future.

Bullies need standing up to. They are tiny: you are going to have years of this, so bite the bullet now. Stand up for yourself. I would be really angry and worried about this and would not even be up for negotiation, much less bullying. There may be a child protection issue here: at the very least, she's a total stranger. Stop contact and tell him that as he won't co-parent effectively with you on this, the only way to sort it is to let a court decide boundaries as he won't respect or listen to yours.

'I want my children safe. If you think that showing them that a complete stranger can bath them is ok, then you're not keeping them safe.'

[purplecoyote]

No, you're probably not. The woman being the NRP doesn't automatically imply CP issues, or it shouldn't- it is becoming more of a norm, although still as yet a minority, so her not having the children isn't necessarily the main issue here.
I'm an NRP and live with my new partner, and have my son at weekends so am in your ex's position here - although my son and DP are very close, I would not expect him to be involved in any personal care, in particular bath time. They play football together, do computer games etc, that kind of thing. If I were a step-parent I personally wouldn't be comfortable performing personal care unless it was necessary, such as changing nappies etc.
Your ex does need to be sensitive to your concerns and make sure this doesn't happen again, and you need to set down clear ground rules. In my case my ex and his DP and my DP met and discuss things but we've been split a long time and are very amicable. But we have to take into account each other's concerns or the child(ren) lose out. I think if he doesn't acknowledge your concerns and take steps to sort the problem, maybe a temporary shift to supervised or non-overnight contact might help?

[Docmcstuffin]

Thanks again for all your replies, it's a big help. I definitely wouldn't feel comfortable bathing someone else's children, no. So it's amazing that he would think its in any way ok. I never let the one partner I've had since the split bath the girls.
Talked to DD1s bio dad this morning; he's not happy at all, and he's a very decent laid back person, but he suggested we go and see a solicitor together which I am in complete agreement with as I think DD2s dad will start to get difficult.

[Docmcstuffin]

I think maybe a shift to day time contact for the moment is a very good idea..

[purplecoyote]

Doc I hope it works out for you!

[sadwidow28]

I think that you are (understandably) jealous.

You have no idea about the dynamics of the situation. The DCs might have said "No Daddy, I want [OW] to bath me". They might have had a fun time with her ........... and she will try to get on with your children for everyone's sake (not least her own).

I was a step-mum - several years after DH left his ex-wife because her 4th affair was too much for him to forgive. I stepped back and didn't want to interfere or be involved, but children can drag you in and show you the way forward that isn't complicated by the adult scenarios.

My DH's time with his children was sacrosanct and I stayed in the separate kitchen baking for their tea. Until we realised that the 3 children were migrating to me in the kitchen and loved baking, cooking etc. So then I handed the kitchen and cooking over to DH and his DCs and sat in the lounge knitting. So then youngest child wanted to learn how to knit so came into the lounge.........

Do you see how complicated it is?

I was never the OW but relationships with step-children are complex. Who says where the barriers are? You or your ex-DH? Do you get more say over your children - or does you ex-DH?

A word of warning.... my late hubby and I ended up with full time PR for the youngest when the Mum 'threatened' not to have her back after a Christmas holiday. I remember how much I cried (for myself) when DH sat on our bed and asked me to take DSD full time.

Please don't use the children as weapons. You may think you are doing everything in the best interest of your children, but your own anxiety, upset and jealousy might eventually be your own downfall.

[mummyOF4darlings]

No your not been ott at all. This actually sounds very similar to my sisters situation atm. Im not going to delve into my sisters case on here just incase anyone we know may be browsing this site.

First thing you need to know is why the gf isnt with her children, is their a child protection issue?

Then make it clear to your ex if hes having the dds responsibility of looking after them should be him not a woman they barely know.

If you want i can pm you the legal advice my sisters recently been given regarding her situation, just dont want to put too much on here for obvious reasons as there is a court hearing coming up

[andyfromotley]

no you are being reasonable, i would at least want to gert to the bottom of it. (and let him know your feelings about it) And i think its perfectly reasonable to know why her kids don't live with her whilst we are on the subject.

But i absolutely do not think its acceptable to stop all contact and tell him to go to court, as one poster suggested. That would be utterly unreasonable.