My feed
Premium
Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

So, so tempted by another man it's like I have gone crazy!

33 replies

hoffmann · 18/04/2014 23:39

I have been with my partner for 15 years. We have been though a lot good and bad and we are still together, currently our relationship is good. We have a good sex life and laugh and joke around.

We are both mid 30s and here is the weird bit even though we have been together for so long we are not married, engaged or even living together, we never have in fact. We are both to blame on that front really but we are looking to buy something this year and move in with marriage to follow.

However I have recently become massively attracted to another man who I just can't stop thinking about. I have known him for a while and always thought he was a nice guy but not like this, he is a friend of a friend I see every once in a while but it was only recently we properly talked for the first time. I think he is really cute but I admit I didn't immedately notice him by his looks. He quite small, the same height as me at 5 foot 5, he has a very slight build, he is has a receding hairline and wears glasses, again I think he is cute but he isn't the obvious hunk to turn a girls head.


Anyway we were just talking and it just hit me like a bolt of lighting, wow this guy is amazing. The eye contact was intense. I have no idea if he felt it too but the pub was very brightly lit and his pupils were dilated to the maximum, I'm sure mine were to! I felt all hot and excitied and I just wanted to know everything about him, and to touch him. It was overwhelming. In fact I was so shaken by him I made my excuses and left early!

Since then I've struggled to get him off my mind, I don't see him that often maybe once every month or so, perhaps I will be over it before I see him again.

He is 35 and single, he is shy with women and hasn't been in a relationship for years and years I don't think. He is a sweet guy very thoughtful and good with his hands (he is a carpenter). I've been day dreaming that I am somehow single and that we get together.

I feel so bad about this, I do love my partner so why am I like this over this guy? Is it possible he likes me too, could his interest in me have sparked my interest in him?

Ultimately its too big a risk to walk away from my long term relationship for what currently amounts to an intense crush! Still I am not married or living with my partner yet we get on but maybe we are just settling for each other? Although I don't usually feel that way, only now I have this crush.

Maybe this other guy is my soulmate the one I am meant to be with... I don't even believe in that but the heart plays tricks doesn't it!

Go on talk some sense into me, please before I make a fool of myself!

Note: I have no kids, and don't plan to have them other than via adoption (possibly) due to health issues.

OP posts:
Report
LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 18/04/2014 23:50

Sounds like a crush.
Tell your partner about it. I think that would be a good way to jolt yourself out of it/burst the bubble.

Report
BigPawsBrown · 18/04/2014 23:54

There must be more to why you've never moved in with your current partner?

And now as you're on the verge of it this happens

Did you feel this way (excited, wanting to know him) about your DP ever?

I left a man for a crush as I'd never felt that way, ever, 7 years ago, and it was the best thing I never did

Report
BigPawsBrown · 18/04/2014 23:54

Ever not never!

Report
hoffmann · 18/04/2014 23:55

I think it would hurt my partners feeling to tell him about that, still maybe something like next time I am going to see him bring my boyfriend as well to diffuse things?

Arrggh I just don't know, honestly I'm enjoying the crush, its exciting but you know the more I dwell on it the more I am fanning the flames, the more tension we will have next time I see him and ultimately the more likely something will be said or happen between us and the poop will hit the fan!

OP posts:
Report
hoffmann · 19/04/2014 00:03

Partner and I had some bad time in the relationship between years 4 and 10 on and off we finally sorted it out. Not moving in was also to do with us both working away a lot, or studying overseas and even in my case caring for an ill parent.

During our bad years I had the odd intense crush due to feeling emotionally neglected by him. Nothing ever happened, the men were always very unavailable and didn't reciprocate my feelings so it was just an outlet. This is kind of different in that he is a genuinely nice guy who has been overlooked by other women.

That gets to me as well, he is really great but is lonely because a lot of women just see that he is small or losing his hair and write him off. Its a lucky woman who will give him the love he so deserves!

Maybe me and my partner have too much hurt and pain between us even though things are good now. However mostly it feels like a strength i.e. that is we got through that we can survive anything? I think my current partner is more physically attractive in the usual sense than the other guy but then thats only a small part of attraction.

OP posts:
Report
hoffmann · 19/04/2014 00:08

When I first me and fell for my partner it was intense, he is the only man I have ever loved and our sexual compatibility is great its what held us together through the bad times.

The only thing missing with my current partner is intellectual stimulation, he doesn't really have a take on things, he doesn't read or question anything too much and that might be nice. On the other hand I can get that from friends so its not a deal breaker as such.

This new guy is very thoughtful and articulate he is on my wave length mentally which I find very sexy.

Funnily enough both me and my current partner are educated to post graduate level while this guy left school at 17.

OP posts:
Report
Quinteszilla · 19/04/2014 00:09

Look, if you have been together 15 years without moving your relationship on, it seems pretty stagnant to me, and it would be a shame to continue the rest of your life like this.

Go for it. Ignite your life. Find passion.

Report
LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 19/04/2014 00:09

If you really think something might happen with this other guy, it's time to stop and consider your relationship with your partner. It's never a good idea to start a relationship or anything really with another person before ending your current relationship - because that's an affair. Have a look at the threads written by people whose partners/husbands have had affairs and see the devastation it causes.

Report
CurlyhairedAssassin · 19/04/2014 00:14

Being brutally honest, it sounds like you were very young when you and your dp got together and that maybe you are just together out of sheer habit? I don't doubt that you might have love for each other but it almost sounds like you're trying to convince yourself that the bad times you and your Dp got through are the reason you should stay together?

I may be totally wrong. But I just wonder why it has taken you so long to actually settle down together? It's the natural progression of a good relationship and if it hasn't happened before now then i think you need to start asking yourself why.

Certainly it seems a big coincidence that the minute there is talk of settling down with DP, you are suddenly finding yourself attracted to another man. Almost as if you are trying to convince yourself that your DP is not actually right for you. Well, maybe you're trying to tell yourself something that you don't want to hear?

Report
hoffmann · 19/04/2014 00:18

God yes the threads on this forum about cheating are heart breaking and depressing.

Ultimately I don't think I would ever leave my current partner unless I was in love with another person. That is awful however it is very unlikely to happen, the other man would have to be pretty bold and he is too decent to break up a couple. This is probably all just fantasy, still it does worry me what it means for our relationship if this man can have such an effect on me, like I was just waiting for anyone to take a bit of interest in me. I do have low self esteem and have in the past looked for validation in relationships.

I have some fears that my long term partner is only staying with me out of loyalty or because he would rather be with me than alone. But then our relationship is these days better than most but understandably after all these years together it isn't normally as exciting as the heady start of a new crush. So it would be unfair to compare.

OP posts:
Report
Twinklestein · 19/04/2014 00:21

How much intellectual stimulation are you going to get from a carpenter though?

If that's what you miss in your relationship I don't think this guy is the answer unless he's a closet geek.

Maybe neither of them are right?

Report
hoffmann · 19/04/2014 00:23

I think good relationships can take many shapes and forms lots of long term couples never live together and are very happy. Other couples move in, get married and make each other miserable as so many posts on here show.

But yes you do have a point, it is interesting that I was so open to these feelings.

Am I just with my partner out of habit, well I do love him, and I enjoy sex with him. I am tempted by the thrill of someone new, a new experiance but wouldn't I ultimately just be aiming for what I have now I nice settled, secure relationship?

OP posts:
Report
hoffmann · 19/04/2014 00:27

The carpenter is not a regular carpenter, he is an artisan making bespoke peices for wealthy clients. He is from a much more middle class family than me and he is a bit of a geek, very into his avant-garde music, film, art and books which is my passion too. He has a lovely earnest and thoughtful way of talking and thinking about things where as my partner isn't that interested in things like that. He is clever but he doesn't respond to ideas in the way I do. I however am neurotic and over think everything so in many ways I always found my partner a calming presence to be around.

OP posts:
Report
neiljames77 · 19/04/2014 00:36

That's a bit of a nasty comment Twinklestein. Is everybody who works with their hands thick?

Report
Twinklestein · 19/04/2014 00:37

Ah right not just any old chippy then. He sounds great.

For me intellectual connection is one of the most important factors in a relationship and I think it's what keeps relationships alive long term. It's not something I could compromise on, maybe you can't either?

Yes you would be aiming for another 'settled secure' relationship but perhaps one with more shared cultural interests and better intellectual compatibility.

Report
CurlyhairedAssassin · 19/04/2014 00:38

"I have some fears that my long term partner is only staying with me out of loyalty or because he would rather be with me than alone."

What makes you say that?

Report
Twinklestein · 19/04/2014 00:39

@neiljames nope and wasn't intended to be 'nasty'.

Report
BigPawsBrown · 19/04/2014 00:40

Do you think you would be tempted by this man if you were completely in love with your DP?

Report
SinisterBuggyMonth · 19/04/2014 00:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 19/04/2014 00:44

What are your living arrangements at the moment? I would certainly see this attraction to this other man as a warning flag to hold off buying a house with your DP. Personally what I would do is move in together ASAP. But not commit to buying yet. Rent first. You don't really get to know someone till you live with them in my opinion. It's warts 'n' all stuff and will really make you see things clearer about how you feel about him.

Report
hoffmann · 19/04/2014 00:46

Of course not everyone who works with their hands is thick, I come from a working class background and my father is a skilled tradesman and one of the smartest people I know.

I would guess openess and curiosity is key and that isn't about education or having an office job. My partner is an accounted so very clever but when it comes to movies or books he just wants to be entertained.

OP posts:
Report
hoffmann · 19/04/2014 01:13

Currently I live with my sister in the flat she owns, before that I was living in another city studying for my masters and long distance with my partner. He is also with family as he often works away.

I know the not living togther thing is weird, maybe things will fall into place if we take the plunge or maybe we both put it off for reasons we don't understand.

I used to feel the relationship was like we loved each other but that we fundamentally wanted different things i.e. he wanted a regular life with all the trappings and I wanted to pursue my creative ambitions.

Over the years to make it work we have both sacraficed a lot.

OP posts:
Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Millyblods · 19/04/2014 01:24

Maybe the decision to finally settle down, marry and build a life together is causing you to review your relarionship. You have had crushes before when you have not been getting what you need from your relationship so this could just be your way of dealing with the feelings brought up by the thought of getting married.

Report
Millyblods · 19/04/2014 01:26

You have some major life changes ahead so panicking would be natural.

Report
hoffmann · 19/04/2014 01:31

I guess I could just have some concerns and this is my way of dealing with it in an oblique fashion!

I guess its also that if this all goes ahead my options really will be closed down forever so perhaps it is a last minute panic.

I wish I could split myself off and see what it might be like with this guy but then we only get one life to live and I have to choose.

I'm not getting any younger and the thought of having to date again isn't a fun prospect!

OP posts:
Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.