How do I make him leave my home?

[Eddy99]

Been in a second marriage for 3 years and it is not working out. BH moved in with me and shares my home with my 2 children but very soon started to control, manipulate, lie ( including reading texts on my phone). Have finally plucked up courage to tell him I don't love him and want him to leave but he won't go! He has few friends, no job and no money and begging to stay, putting me on a guilt trip by saying we cannot lose what we had. I fear that only way to get him out is through force but don't want my children to witness this and feel bad throwing him out "on the street" so to speak. Any ideas?

[Lweji]

Get legal advice.
As he is your husband, he does have the right to live there, and if you own the house, he has rights to the house too.

If you were not married you could simply give him a 2-4 week notice.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I agree with the PP. As he's a husband and not simply a partner then he has certain legal rights and, if he won't leave voluntarily, then you need to get professional advice on how to end the marriage. Force is not advisable if he is not aggressive himself. However, In the meantime, you would start separating your lives. Finances, laundry, meals etc.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

You've said he moved in with you and your 2 children. So are the house and the children solely yours? (yes, sorry for lumping house and children in one question)

[Eddy99]

Yes house and dc are mine ( and were for 10 years before I met him) and I am and always have been/remain completeley financially independent. Also signed a pre-nup to protect myself so he has no legal rights over house and no joint assets. My problem is that all the posts about abusive relationships encourage abused partner to leave. However in my case, I can't leave because its my home - but I need to get him out. I have asked him to leave but he is in panic mode and trying to hang on. Legal advice is to give him notice to leave but I know he won't without a fight.

[Beastofburden]

Not sure are-nup is legally binding, but if its a short marriage and you owned everything beforehand, I expect a court would support you.

Go to see a good solicitor. This is not the kind of advice you ought to be getting off the Internet.

[Eddy99]

I know my legal rights so not looking for this. Just trying to deal with my own moral dilemma and feeling guilty and looking for some personal perspectives/insights from others on alternatives/thoughts before I have to embark on enforcing legal rights

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

If you DCs are of school age, can you arrange to have him leave right after they leave for school? If he refuses, you can always ring police to have them remove him. Then kids won't witness it.

I doubt he'll go willingly if he hasn't already.

[Beastofburden]

Ah, OK.

Well, of course it is sad that things didn't work out. But you can't make it all better for him. No friends, no job, no money, no home. He needs to make a new start and deal with these things, for himself, not being carried by you.

It's a bit like sacking someone for being incompetent, if you've ever had to do that. To start with you feel like complete shit, as they beg for their job and tell you that their life is ruined. By the end, if you do a good job, they understand that it is time to move on to something where they can be more secure because they have the right skills to do well at it.

I expect you have spent a lot of time trying to build him up to get himself sorted, and it hasn't led anywhere. You both need to believe that he does have a future, away from you, and the sooner he makes a start the better. In practical terms, is there family that can give him somewhere to stay? Can you get them to help with the split?

[BillyBanter]

People get notice to move from their homes all the time and they just have to suck it up. No guilt. It's not the notice transaction that is guilting you, it's him guilting you.

[Eddy99]

Thanks yes you see the problem - I have tried hard to help him find a life for himself. His family not much help - his Mum piles on the pressure telling me that he is threatening to jump off a cliff because I don't love him anymore. I feel bad and I feel trapped as I fear any conflict and would rather he went willingly.

[Beastofburden]

This is a classic girl thing. We have to try to see conflict differently. The conflict in this case is because he is genuinely vulnerable. He has made the mistake of putting his eggs all in one basket. This is not good for him and in this case it has not worked out well.

He may well threaten all sorts if he loses you. We can't get you through this problem if we minimise the situation he is in. It is a bad situation; he deserves help and support to improve it. You will not go so far as keeping him as your partner, or living with him, so those options are off the table. But as a friend, you can work with his mother to make things better for him.

Hs mother needs to be told, in absolutely non-negotiable terms, that the marriage has ended. But you are willing to act in friendship to help him move on, because of the friendship you two had before.

His mother actually needs some help. She probably does not want to deal with a deeply unhappy and troubled adult son. She thought it was all solved, as he had married you. That's fallen apart and she is sad and frustrated. But nice she knows that the family needs a Plan B, and if you insist kindly but clearly that this is where it is going, she may be prepared to do her share.

For you to survive, I think you have to be able to detach a little bit and not experience her frustration as pressure on you. It's true, it's a fact, that he is in a bad place and its about to get worse. What you have to believe is that it is soluble and that there is a happy life out there for him.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

There's really no way to end a marriage without it involving at least a little conflict. Even if he did jump off a cliff, you realise that wouldn't be your responsibility? Suicide threats are often used as emotional blackmail and, whilst they should be taken seriously (you could give him the number for Samaritans for example) they shouldn't stop you from doing the right thing. With no job, no friends etc, if he saw you as a mealticket in the first place, he'll cling on with his fingernails. It's pretty normal to feel bad about ending things but I suggest you feel it and do it anyway. It won't get any better if you wait.

Good luck

[Eddy99]

Thanks guys - all helpful.