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Online dating is this a bit odd

(51 Posts)
Onmyownwith4kids Wed 16-Apr-14 23:43:53

Just started online dating. No idea what's normal. It's a long time since I've been on a date was with my stbx husband 15 years. Joined yesterday, got the usual weird and wonderful messages but then one from someone who looks lovely. Asked for my number to arrange date. Is going to call tomorrow but has asked me to dinner at his flat tomorrow. Has just sent another text asking should we dress up. Is this all a bit much for a first date? Don't know what's normal!

Darkesteyes Wed 16-Apr-14 23:45:50

RED FLAG He has asked you to go to his flat First meeting should be in a public place And the fact he hasn't thought of this has alarm bells ringing.

MincingOnBy Wed 16-Apr-14 23:46:40

I wouldn't go to his flat for a first date. I would suggest meeting in a public place, definitely. If should understand that if he is a decent bloke. Also sounds a bit full on. Better to do a quick coffee or drink, easier to exit if you don't click!

Foxsticks Wed 16-Apr-14 23:47:19

Definitely meet him in a public place and make sure you have safe ways of getting to and from the date. Don't go to his house, you don't know anything about him.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge Wed 16-Apr-14 23:47:39

Not normal!It's either very bad or he's a bit dim.

Do not go to his flat!

barrytown Wed 16-Apr-14 23:47:39

Don't go to his place on a first date unless you plan to DTD with him.
Even if you do plan to DTD with him meet him in a public place and suss him out first.

Hughfearnley Wed 16-Apr-14 23:49:01

A bit odd. I would suggest at least one phone call first, but you must go at a speed that is right for you. If it feels too fast then it is too fast.
Absolute rules you must stick by for first date:
1) meet in public place of your choosing
2) do not tell him where you live
3) do not go to his place
4) do not invite him back to yours
5) tell a friend where you are going/what time you expect to get back

If this guy is genuine then he won't mind waiting, and he certainly won't mind any of the rules above. Be careful.

Onmyownwith4kids Thu 17-Apr-14 00:16:24

I don't think I'm going to be very good at this dating business didn't 't want to upset him by saying no. Might suggest quick drink tomorrow when he rings and do the dinner thing when we actually know each other

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Thu 17-Apr-14 00:21:31

Don't go into this with the "I don't want to upset him by saying no" idea. If you don't want to do something, say NO.

Botanicbaby Thu 17-Apr-14 00:24:59

why worry about upsetting someone you don't even know yet OP.

you have to put yourself - and your safety - first.

hope it works out for you.

FloraSpreadableMacDonald Thu 17-Apr-14 00:57:28

I also wouldnt meet at his flat for a first date. Ive invited dates back to mine on a second date but only if i feel comfortable with them. Spend time getting to know him and always let a friend know where you are going.
I presume he means getting your glad rags on for dressing up.....not going as a french maid or the ike, in which case I'd be waving a dozen large red flags!
Good luc...I hope it works out x

BreakingDad77 Thu 17-Apr-14 01:09:32

This is a bit too full on for a first date for a stranger - Hughfearnly has spelt it all out, I would add have someone available to call for bailout duties should you wish to end the date early (kids sick etc).

When I was online dating I was though in two minds as to wether I would want someone to end the date early, i.e leave me to not waste any more time money on drinks etc and head home etc or continue till last train/orders, leaving me thinking they may be interested as we had an evening out chatting away, but with the disappointment I will later find they not interested.

Doinmummy Thu 17-Apr-14 01:23:47

Do not go to his flat. But more to the point you MUST lose the ' I will go along with things regardless of whether I want to or not for fear of upsetting someone' attitude.

Dirtybadger Thu 17-Apr-14 01:29:28

If it were me, the date would be off (completely). How can anyone think inviting you around for dinner at their flat is normal? As for dressing up (even if you were meeting in public)- I'd prefer someone to be able to make their own decision on how they'd dress. Wouldn't occur to me to ask because I always insist on being scruffy

Dirtybadger Thu 17-Apr-14 01:31:30

Just be honest about it. "No sorry I'm not interested in a date anymore. I am very uncomfortable that you would think it appropriate to have a first date in your own ir my own home." At least if he's not a right strange one he will know better for the next woman, then.

Boleh Thu 17-Apr-14 01:34:53

Yup, I tended to do 1st date coffee or a drink (can make it quick if it's dreadful), 2nd date dinner out, 3rd date something we both wanted to do - mutual hobby, cinema trip or dinner at someone's house.

I second the advise above to meet in a public place and let someone know where you'll be and that you'll text when you are safely home.

wyrdyBird Thu 17-Apr-14 01:36:41

Yes - what Doinmummy says ^^

Don't even think about going to a private space with a man you do not know.
Keep first dates public.
Never fear upsetting someone if you have to. If you value your personal safety, it's something you have to learn to do.

AdeleNazeem Thu 17-Apr-14 05:36:16

no, no, no!....That is absolutely not normal.

You should always meet in a public place first time ... also, don't think as it as a first 'date', you are just meeting him. 'dates' are what you start to have when you know you like the other person. You've not even spoken to the guy yet.
You (or he) could meet and not find anything interesting/attractive/likeable in the other. There are also sadly lots if loons in the internet , scarily how hard it is to pick them out from the crowd by messages alone. I saw someone for a few weeks before discovering he'd given me a fake name (yep, married)

he is either;
- desperate to get his legover
- a crazed serial killer, or
- hopelessly inexperienced!

if he is lovely, and I do hope he is, he will respect you for taking care of yourself.

FolkGirl Thu 17-Apr-14 06:09:47

Onmyown You'd be more than welcome to come over to the Dating Thread. Lots of other people's experience for you to draw on over there! wink

I used to meet in a public place and only give myself an hour. I used to meet for a first date in the daytime always, and in a well populated public place. I also used to get as much info as I could about them (full name, email address, phone number, OD name and any other significant info I'd gleaned from them such as where they lived/worked) and give it to my brother. I also texted him when I arrived and then made an excuse to go to the loo about 10 mins into the date so I could text my brother and let him know it was ok. And then I would text him again as I was leaving.

I didn't do that for more than the first few first 'dates' I went on, because after that I was more confident in both my judgement and my ability to walk away if something wasn' 'right'.

But I agree that the first meeting is not a real date. It's a quick 1 hour lunchtime coffee to see if their OL persona matches their RL one and to see if you want to go on a date with them. It's not a 'date' in itself.

What he is trying to arrange is a shag. Especially if you only joined yesterday and he asked you for your number and tried arranging this on the first day of messaging you.

Remember what we tell children about stranger danger. Don't go anywhere with a stranger. Good people know that children are told not to go anywhere with people they don't know so will be ok if you say "no" to something. If they are not ok with it, then they aren't a good person. It's more important that you keep yourself safe than it is you don't do something just to avoid upsetting someone who is asking you to do something they know they shouldn't be asking you to do in the first place.

We learn these rules as children so that we can keep ourselves safe throughout our lives. The rules don't change smile

OD can be a lot of fun though! Stick with it, but you owe these men nothing but common courtesy. Don't forget that.

Santaclaws Thu 17-Apr-14 06:12:50

Excellent post folk you've said it all brilliantly smile

Onmyownwith4kids Thu 17-Apr-14 06:43:59

Thanks for wise advice and folkgirl I will join you on the dating thread and update! Have texted him and made excuses and suggested quick drink instead. Going to have to lose the worrying about offending people mentality!

FolkGirl Thu 17-Apr-14 07:08:19

Aw thanks, Santa wink

Onmyown You will have to stop worrying about it, yes!

I treated it as a way of getting back 'out there' and flexing my dating muscles (was in a similar position to you) rather than as a means to finding a boyfriend/partner and went out with some men I'd never have met otherwise. I really pushed myself outside my 'comfort zone'. It was fab.

ErranGrimsdale Thu 17-Apr-14 07:17:12

Listen to Folkgirl, she is very wise.

Thislife Thu 17-Apr-14 08:14:46

You just meet the guy briefly somewhere public! If you went to his place, how could you escape if he turned weird?

You can usually tell within seconds if the person you are meeting is your type/'normal'/someone worth getting to know a bit better. You can also tell if they are absolutely not your type/odd/someone you don't want to spend 5 minutes with. Always have a quick exit strategy.

I can't believe you would consider going to a stranger's house, however polite you are!

chaseface Thu 17-Apr-14 08:38:55

didn't 't want to upset him by saying no

Unless you do lose this mentality then you are not safe to be dating, online or otherwise.

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